Telling your child

[Bridgette]

Hi all, I am writing to ask a bit of a personal question in regards to telling your child/children about your other persona.
I just found out that I am going to be a father. I am an extremely casual cd & my wife knows about this as well.
I accept that my clothes will be shoved away in a bag, away from prying eyes, & I am prepared to dress up when my child/children are not around.
I would like to know at what age of the child/children did you tell them about the other woman (being yourself).
Yes I know that this can be a very touchy topic, but there are a few of us who are or have gone through this.

Bridgette.

[katesometimes]

Hi Bridgette!

That's a tough one...in some ways I would say they should be exposed to the other woman all along, so it seems normal to them. I didn't do that with my kids (23,19, and 8) and I don't know how I could come out to the older ones right now and will definitely not tell the younger one because she will tell everybody! So far just my wife knows about Bridgette.

[Cynthia Anne]

I agree that is tough! It would be nice not to have that secret from your kids! But are they not going to tell everyone by the time they start school! I'm mixed on it because I wonder how it will affect them! True you want your kids to follow in your foot steps, but how close do you want them to follow! Sorry not much help!

[5150 Girl]

Hi Bridgette!

That's a tough one...in some ways I would say they should be exposed to the other woman all along, so it seems normal to them.

I agree 100%, especialy if you're out...
But like the ohter poster said, if you're not already out, they will likely acidently out you.

[AliceJaneInNewcastle]

Don't hide it. Just allow the child to see your crossdressing as part of your home life. The more normal they think it is, the less likely it is that your child will out you.

My son has known from infancy and he's now 7yo and hasn't outed me. Then again, I've reached the stage where I don't really care if he does because I'm a lot more out than I used to be.

[BRANDYJ]

This is a tough one for me. I sit on the fence about it. since to some crossdressing is partly sexual and out of the "norm" that society accepts, I think it can be harmful for young children to be exposed to their daddy's crossdressing. Once in school, they will learn that the other kid's daddy's don't dress and act like woman. They could soon feel like outcasts or that their own daddy is strange. It could harm their socializing in those very formative important years before and during puberty. In some ways it's like leaving the bedroom door open during an intimate encounter with their mommy! Of course I am basing this on the CD that will never transition or be out to the rest of his family or at work. I'll call it the casual or hobby CDer. My opinion might change for those that are transitioning. Sadly, I think it's a selfish desire to be able to dress around their children at home with little regard for how this might effect their kids as they begin to socialize with other children. May not be a popular opinion, but for most, I don't see a good reason to tell the kids. I know everyone's lifestyle is different, so yes, I do kind of see some of the reasons as to why tell etc. Adult kids or older teens may be a different thing with me.

[KrystalA]

That's a very tough question. My kids are now in their 30s and still don't know about my femme side, and at this stage of life, I dare not tell them because I know they would not be accepting. The only thing I'm worried about is, should I die suddenly, they'll find out when they clear out my closets, and what will they think of me then?

[JulieC]

I just found out that I am going to be a father.

Congratulations!!!! :)


I am an extremely casual cd & my wife knows about this as well.
I accept that my clothes will be shoved away in a bag, away from prying eyes, & I am prepared to dress up when my child/children are not around.
I would like to know at what age of the child/children did you tell them about the other woman (being yourself).
Yes I know that this can be a very touchy topic, but there are a few of us who are or have gone through this.

Each person/couple has their own choices to make in regards to this. None of us have a 'right' answer for you. We can only relate what we have decided, what we have done. I strongly suggest talking it over with your wife. It doesn't have to happen now. But, sometime over the next couple of years a few heart to heart discussions about this would be very useful. Whatever you decide, decide it together. It's a together decision.

For my wife and I, we decided not to tell our kids. There's a variety of reasons, and in no particular order: First, kids have enough trouble in school with other kids picking on them without these other kids ever finding out their dad is a crossdresser. Their knowledge of it could severely impact their day to day lives. Second, expecting children to keep a secret is unreasonable. But, it would have to be a secret in our case, as our economic situation could be dramatically affected by common knowledge of my crossdressing. Third, telling them and then trying to teach them how to keep a secret, and how serious it is to not keep this secret really teaches a lesson to them I'd rather they not have to learn at such an early age. Fourth, I would gain the benefit of them knowing should they accidentally discover me, and discovery would go easier then, but the chances of them discovering 'Julie' are very, very slim. Fifth, I would never dress in front of them, even if they knew, so I gain little by them knowing. There's just no added benefit to them knowing.

[Jason+]

Bridgette,

This has been my experience with it:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?141416-Telling-the-young-ones..&p=2294420&highlight=#post2294420

[Jessica_Dillon]

Don't hide it. Just allow the child to see your crossdressing as part of your home life. The more normal they think it is, the less likely it is that your child will out you.

My son has known from infancy and he's now 7yo and hasn't outed me. Then again, I've reached the stage where I don't really care if he does because I'm a lot more out than I used to be.

We've kind of taken the same approach with our two daughters. (5 and 2) and will continue with #3 gets here in May. It's been kind of fun though, with girls. My 5yo is now pretty excited about having nail-painting nights! It's totally normal to her. But...this is something you and your wife have to learn for yourselves. Every one raises children differently...that's what make parenthood such and great thing...and learning thing...and frustrating thing...and everything in between!

Most importantly...CONGRATULATIONS! Fatherhood is unquestionably the best job in the world!

[LitaKelley]

I need to make a decision on how to tell my oldest daughters, 12 & 10, because I am considering transition and they'll need to know. I am out, and am pretty much full time with some exceptions, but my oldest daughters don't live with me, so, at this point, they don't need to know, yet.. however, my youngest, only 5 whom does live with me, does know, because I'm dressed every day and she's great with it all, although she's perhaps too young to understand the reasons, etc, she is accepting of it and it's "normal" for her to see me en femme.

[Sapphire]

Firstly, congratulations on becoming a father to-be and I hope that everything works out well for you and wife. Parenting can be a wonderful and very happy experience – so try and keep that positive aspect foremost in your mind.

You state you are a “casual” CD, which I take to mean that you do not have such a strong desire to crossdress that it impacts very significantly on your day to day life. With that in mind I would suggest that you seriously consider not revealing the truth about your cross-dressing to your child until he or she is mature enough for this knowledge not to have an adverse impact - this could well be "late teens" or maybe even never. What matters is that you put your child's best interests first.

I, for one, do not regret having put off revealing the truth until the children were, at least in my estimation, sufficiently mature for it to not have negative consequences. As it turned out there weren’t any – but there could well have been had they been much younger.

This is a decision not to be made lightly.

[RachelOKC]

We've never hidden it from my two year old and don't ever plan on it either. Here's a bit from a now closed post: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?141416-Telling-the-young-ones..&p=2299791&highlight=#post2299791

If you want to keep feeling shame about your CDing, then don't tell. If you want to add another layer of inconvenience to your life, then don't tell. If you don't want to teach your kids first hand about tolerance, open-mindedness, and respect for differences in others, then don't tell. If you like secrets and subterfuge, then don't tell. If you don't want the kids to someday respect you for your honesty and strength, then don't tell.

I just couldn't live with myself if I had to be that closeted and I wouldn't want to be that sort of parent either.

[sissystephanie]

My late wife knew that I was a CD when we married, and we agreed to Not tell the children we had!! I agreed to never dress, at least outwordly around them and never did during the almost 50 years we had together before cancer took her. She died in 2005 and I finally told both my children, who were of course grown, in 2009. Their response was; "that's O.K., just don't dress around us!" I don't think it is a good idea to tell young ones about being a crossdresser, unless you want everyone to know. They do not know how to not tell stuff that shouldn't be told!!

Only the parent really knows his/her children, and whether it is safe to tell them. As has been said, the decision cannot be made lightly!! I made the decision because I am getting much older, and didn't want them to learn about me after I was gone! I don't think that is fair to them!

[Sally24]

If you dress very much I think it is unrealistic to expect that kids will never find out on their own. Maybe if you never go out, and have only a small collection of clothes, and no pictures on any computer. After I had been going out for 5 years we told our grown children. My daughter, 28, was still living with us and had some idea. My son, 25, had no idea. Both have been really supportive. If I had been actively dressing when they were younger I would probably considered telling them then.

[Chickhe]

Have not done it because I'm a fair weather CDer in the closet for the most part, but I come out to play on halloween and keep it to myself on other days. My only concern is keeping a 'normal' social circle for my kid... I don't want wrong information making her life difficult. Anyhow, she sees me dressed once a year and gets a kick out of it, has even told her friends at school...the word on the street is..Daddy does it on halloween for a gag. The topic comes up some times and we just teach her that basically its just clothes and doesn't matter who wears what. Someday I'll probably dress up in front of my wife and daughter on a regular day...it has to be under the guise of a party or something and she can put 2 and 2 together later when she is mature enough. I want to keep it fun.

[Roberta Marie]

Bridgette,

Congratulations to you and your wife. Whether or not to tell you kids is a decision that you and your wife will need to agree on. All I, or any of us here can do is tell you our stories and opinions, but the decision will be yours.

I did not come out to my wife until we were married for almost 30 years, and at that time, we decided not to tell our 5 then mostly adult kids. Then one day, while I was dressed and making lunch for my wife and I, one of our sons walked into the house. He seemed to take it OK, but a few days later, at a party with his older brother, had a bit too much to drink, and spilled the beans. My wife and I decided then that it would be best to tell them all in a manner that we might have some control. Most of them have, over time, come to varying levels of acceptance and tolerance. But, two of the common comments that most of them have said, is, "This has changed our entire image of the father that we grew up knowing," and "Why would you not allow us to know our father completely all of our lives." The one that is the most understanding is our youngest, who is gay, and has had to deal with the closet himself, and the conflicts that go along with trying to figure out how someone so drastically "different" fits into the family and into society.

On the other hand, we have some friends that have 2 daughters that have always known that their father was a crossdresser, even when their father was in the military. For them, it was simply part of who their father was, and they never had any problems with the kids outing him. Now their grandkids are being raised similarly, and it is not at all uncommon for them to see their Pappaw in a skirt rooting for his favorite football team on TV one day, and in jeans giving them a ride on the tractor the next.

One of my current regrets is that my daughter, who is one of the ones who is struggling the most with my gender "issues" saying that she feels cheated that I did not share this with her as a child, does not want me to dress in front of her kids. I feel that I am making with my grandkids one of the same mistakes that I made with my kids, but at my kid's insistence.

We do not live in a black and white, right or wrong world. This is a tough issue, and I don't think that, at this point, there is any right answer. All wed can do is to get as much information as we can, however limited and flawed that may be, and make the best decisions that we can at the time, knowing that there may be consequences and regrets as a result.

[StaceyJane]

A little over a year ago my then 19 year old daughter surprised me by writing a letter saying that she knew all about my crossdressing and gender issues.
Talk about having a heart attack and stroke at the same time. Since then I have come out to the reast of my family and I have no regrets. It's wonderful to be open about this with my family.

Since I got that letter my daughter Britney moved away with her new husband to fort Bragg, N.C.
They came into town for Christmas and while they stayed at his parents house they did come by to see me several times. (my wife was away due to a death in the family)
One evening they came by the house and I was totally en femme, I had just come back back from having the picture taken that I use for my avatar now.
I made no apology and nothing was said. I just spent the evening with my daughter and her husband while en femme, I even go to meet my newest grandbaby that evening.
A couple of days later i got a Christmas present from my daughter.
Some very nice perfume.

[DanielleLee]

Bridgette,

First and foremost, congratulations. Children are gifts. Unfortunately, they don't come with a manual. Seeking advise from fathers, uncles, brothers and as you already did, even here. Listening to advise, if needed, from trusted sources is one of the best ways to help you make informed decisions.

Now... onto Rachel


We've never hidden it from my two year old and don't ever plan on it either. Here's a bit from a now closed post: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?141416-Telling-the-young-ones..&p=2299791&highlight=#post2299791

If you want to keep feeling shame about your CDing, then don't tell. If you want to add another layer of inconvenience to your life, then don't tell. If you don't want to teach your kids first hand about tolerance, open-mindedness, and respect for differences in others, then don't tell. If you like secrets and subterfuge, then don't tell. If you don't want the kids to someday respect you for your honesty and strength, then don't tell.

I just couldn't live with myself if I had to be that closeted and I wouldn't want to be that sort of parent either.

Rachel, I find your post to be extremely rude. I would suggest that you refrain from the urge to imply to other fathers what "sort" of father they are or that their parenting skills are lacking, because they have chosen to NOT tell their children now or later. Important decisions like these need to be thought out, discussed with and agreed to with SOs and based on the needs & safety of the children involved. IMO... my needs, as did anyone elses on this board, became secondary to those of our kids, the moment we became fathers.

I don't need to openly wear feminine attire, in order to prove or to teach my children about open-mindeness, respect for our neighbors or to teach tolerance for the differences in each of us.

" if I had to be that closeted "... sounds like their is some concern about secrets there....

DL

[Julia Welch]

I don't know why some people fell the need to share this burden. I say 'burden' because however normal we think we may be, society in general doesn't see us that way. If your children find out then by all means try to explain it to them, but otherwise keep it quiet .. really!! .. they don't need to know.

[RachelOKC]

Rachel, I find your post to be extremely rude. I would suggest that you refrain from the urge to imply to other fathers what "sort" of father they are or that their parenting skills are lacking, because they have chosen to NOT tell their children now or later. Important decisions like these need to be thought out, discussed with and agreed to with SOs and based on the needs & safety of the children involved. IMO... my needs, as did anyone elses on this board, became secondary to those of our kids, the moment we became fathers.

I don't need to openly wear feminine attire, in order to prove or to teach my children about open-mindeness, respect for our neighbors or to teach tolerance for the differences in each of us.

" if I had to be that closeted "... sounds like their is some concern about secrets there....

DL

I'm glad you found my post provocative and I appreciate your thoughts. I sincerely do not believe that in the year 2011 being transgender is something to hide from the family, so I simply don't. My family is part of my TG life and my being TG is part of our family. If we TG's cannot get past the fear and self-loathing that keeps us from being out and ourselves with our own families, then how do we expect the rest of the world to accept us for who we are?

As far as the that closeted remark, feel free to parse and dig at every word. You don't need my approval and I don't need yours...I do need my family's however.

[Susan Hewitt]

to be honest hun i'm not sure i would do it. at least wait until after they're 7 or so to protect their developmental yrs.

[Bridgette]

Ladies, thankyou all for your opinions & advices. Due to certain circumstances, the other persona will be closeted for quite a while.

Love Bridgette xoxo

[GG Kathy]

First congratulations and second good luck

[Anne2345]

I agree with those who have stated that there is no right or wrong answer on this issue. I believe everyone has to make their own decision on this, based upon their own personal circumstances and needs. However, I would warn that telling one's children could have consequences, particularly if told at an early age.

I am sure the parents out there will agree with me - a young child does not understand the concept of what happens in the house stays in the house. Young children are capable of repeating anything to others, with no filters. I am continually surprised by my own young daughter that when I think she is paying the least attention to something I am doing, that she is still soaking it all in, and storing that information.

Both my wife and I have made the decision to not tell our child. We are, however, raising her to be respectful, tolerant, and understanding of others. Unfortunately, not all of society is accepting of us yet. Both my career and my wife's career, however unjustly, would suffer negative consequences if this information became public in our community. And I have no doubt this would be true of many of you.

The simple fact is that I have put too much blood, sweat, and tears into obtaining the education I have, and the career I enjoy. Some may suggest it is not fair that I withhold such information from my child. I would counter by stating that I need to continue to provide for my child, and that to risk my ability to do so would be the greater offense.

Perhaps one day, later on down the road, when she is older and more mature, the subject may come up. Unless and until that day arrives, the consequences out weigh any potential benefit she may gain from knowing about it. And as long as I raise her correctly, to the best of my ability, I simply do not believe that she would obtain any substantive or additional benefit of knowing this at this stage in her life.

For those of you that have told your children, and are in a position to do so, more power to you! But I am not going to judge either way whether it is right or wrong for any given parent to make their own decision. Every case is different and personal, and must be viewed in its own light.

[darla_g]

I totally agree with Anne about not telling my 2 kids, especially when young. She makes some excellent points I fully support. What purpose does it serve? It didn't involve them so there was no need to know. They are both late teens now. and now especially I am glad i never said anything about it.

I thought about it for quite a while and even PMed with a girl on another CD web site who was told by her father at age 15 (this was close to my kid's age) . After mulling this over for a while I weighed everything and decided not to since essentially it would only be used as ammunition in any of the inevitable arguments a parent has with their teen.

Nothing wrong if someone feels a compulsion to tell their kids, but it was a decision i made and it was the right one for me in the long run. What it did mean was I had to take my dressing times as they could come (business trips, and weekends when the clan would go away). I know sometimes we can be quite selfish about our desire to dress and the timing so being forced to work around this was a good thing because it put everyone else's needs first.

[Fractured]

Bridgette, it sounds like you have weighed everything and decided on a course of action. May it work out well for you.

I am still fighting through this decision myself. When I opened to the closet door to my wife one of the ground rules she laid down when she accepted it was not to screw up our kids heads. They are currently 6, 4, and 2 (and we are waiting an awfully long and scary time to find out if there is another on the way). My six year old made a comment that Mommy shaves her legs but Daddy doesn't. If she only knew what I did and did not shave. And a few weeks ago we painted toenails, my six year old again made a comment about being lucky since she bet that a lot of dads wouldn't let their kids paint their toenails. Whether it is right or not, society has placed barriers and standards on what is considered acceptable. Family and friends will most likely accept you regardless of how you flaunt those standards but my opinion is that society as a whole will not. As an ex-submariner I am dealing with the outcries of retired submariners about women being let to serve aboard submarines and people having pink towels specifically because they knew no one else would take their towel due to the color. I feel that this society would not appreciate knowing about the panties in my closet. And I have no desire to expose my kids to possible ridicule that can come from their unknowingly sharing the fact that Daddy has high heels and a bra in the closet.

It looks like many people do share and just as many do not. It is a highly personal decision.

[april_lynn]

It is nice to see that everyone struggles with this to some degree. My wife also put the stipulation in place to not tell the kids. They ate very young so that's ok, but I do worry about them later finding out and feeling lied to or finding daddy shaves his legs or wears panties or nightgowns and having to find excuses why. I feel like being open and honest might be better, but I know that my wife probably gets to make this decision. She has been so accepting and supportive of me that I do not want to be selfish. Maybe when they are older she will think it is better to tell them. Anyway, reading everyone's experiences really helps!

Thanks,
April

[Joann Smith]

I i knew what i know now ...my kids would have grown up knowing about me ....

Joann

[RachelOKC]

I feel that this society would not appreciate knowing about the panties in my closet. And I have no desire to expose my kids to possible ridicule that can come from their unknowingly sharing the fact that Daddy has high heels and a bra in the closet.

American society once didn't approve of interracial marriage, women wearing pants, or ownership of real property by people who were not white males. Society is often wrong about a great many things that people in the minority do. When enough people in the minority demonstrate that there is nothing to be feared, society will change.

Children are going to be picked on for anything and everything, including who and what their parents are. Believe me, I got made fun of for a lot of things about my parents. Their cars were the oldest on the block. My dad looked kind of like Hitler. He wasn't good at sports like the other dads. He was called a warmonger since he was in the military. Those all hurt, but you know what? My parents told me to turn the other cheek because there was nothing to be ashamed of. Should we be ashamed of being transgender? I don't think so, and I don't think that society gets a vote in the matter.


After mulling this over for a while I weighed everything and decided not to since essentially it would only be used as ammunition in any of the inevitable arguments a parent has with their teen.

Kids (and many partners) will use anything in an argument. If we're not ashamed of ourselves and have taught our kids to respect differences in others, then why would this be more problematic than something else? I think it only becomes ammunition when we load it with the potential to wound - the fear and self-loathing that so often accompanies being transgender. We don't have to feel these things, and we don't have to let other people use them against us.


I i knew what i know now ...my kids would have grown up knowing about me ....

Why you would have done things differently Joann? I'm curious to know what you would have done and said.

[Fractured]

American society once didn't approve of interracial marriage, women wearing pants, or ownership of real property by people who were not white males. Society is often wrong about a great many things that people in the minority do. When enough people in the minority demonstrate that there is nothing to be feared, society will change.

Children are going to be picked on for anything and everything, including who and what their parents are. Believe me, I got made fun of for a lot of things about my parents. Their cars were the oldest on the block. My dad looked kind of like Hitler. He wasn't good at sports like the other dads. He was called a warmonger since he was in the military. Those all hurt, but you know what? My parents told me to turn the other cheek because there was nothing to be ashamed of. Should we be ashamed of being transgender? I don't think so, and I don't think that society gets a vote in the matter.



Kids (and many partners) will use anything in an argument. If we're not ashamed of ourselves and have taught our kids to respect differences in others, then why would this be more problematic than something else? I think it only becomes ammunition when we load it with the potential to wound - the fear and self-loathing that so often accompanies being transgender. We don't have to feel these things, and we don't have to let other people use them against us.

Like you said, kids will ridicule you for any reason if they feel like doing so. I'm not ashamed (I think) of this aspect of me but I feel that there is no point in providing extra ammunition to those that want to use it. I don't know if I have gotten a thick skin over the course of my life (which I think has happened) or if my kids are extremely sensitive (just looking at them funny can cause the oldest and middle kid to run away in tears). We've already managed to give our oldest daughter the initials BJ. Also, I am in an "introductory phase" so to speak - I am just starting to build up a wardrobe and find out exactly where I fit in. If I can reduce the confusion and ridicule that I know my kids are going to face by keeping some aspects of my life hidden for a period, I shall. I believe I will share this side of me with them at some point but not for a while yet. They'll see me dressed up on Halloween and other costume parties but otherwise their world has been rocked so much already that I am keeping under the hat for right now.

[leannejames2011]

I, for one, would like to tell my child, but I can't. My ex-wife knew of my CDing. She even participated in it by helping me dress and buying cloths. During my divorce, she made a big deal about it. With a closed minded judge, I was ordered not to dress around my child. Because children sometimes slip with secrets, I'd rather not be brought up on contempt charges concerning my clothing choices. Therefore, I don't dress around my child. I don't even talk about it. I do use TV (more specifically cartoons) as a way to expose the child to CDing. Just notice the fact that Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd, Spongbob Squarepants, Patrick Star, and Sheen (From Planet Sheen) have all dressed in a dress. I feel by exposing my child this way, it will be easier when I do get a chance to tell.

I have to say it is up to the individual to tell or not. If we decide to tell, it again should be up to the individual to pick the time and place to reveal the secret. I also feel that the individual should consult the SO before coming clean. Lastly, I feel that it isn't the judge's place to decide how a family is ran when the physical safety of the children are not an issue. As for my child knowing about Leanne, how will that cause any physical harm?