Question from Anonymous GG to transitioned TSs

[ReineD]

This is a bit off the beaten track, but some of you may have noticed we have an 'anymous GG' option in the M2F CD section, for a GG who wishes to ask a question without having her identity divulged. I've received such a request from a GG whose spouse is TS, and the GG asked if I would post her situation and questions here. I hope this is OK, so here goes:



A few years ago my spouse came to realize she is TS and wanted to transition. She is in her late 30s. When she told me this initially I wasn't supportive, so she left. She began to live full time as a woman, and started HRT. Three months later I was able to get beyond my initial objections because I love her so much and I cannot see living my life without her. So I learned about this, took some time to look inside my own heart, and I rallied round because I realized that I want to stay married to her and support her through her transition. I didn't blame her for being reluctant to come back home at first, since she needed to build up enough trust that I meant it when I said that I am willing to be married to a woman. She says she does love me and we've tried to make a go of it even though she has maintained her living arrangements elsewhere. She is sharing a place with another TS. One of the things agreed upon was to wait a few years before undergoing SRS, both to help ease me into this final step but also because the funds simply aren't there for us at the moment. She's been coming home a few days per week, and even though I would love nothing more than become fully involved in her current life as a woman with all the other TSs she has come to know, she has been reluctant to incorporate me in it. It's as if she cannot mix the two.

I want to also say that before either of us knew that she was TS, our marriage was very happy and I felt loved by her unconditionally.

At any rate, a few months ago she told me she was finally ready to come back home, but at the last minute she changed her mind and she finally said that she simply cannot live her life as a woman and be with me. Apparently I trigger her male feelings even though I am fully prepared to live with her as a woman, both publicly and privately.

This is my question, and I ask this only to those who have transitioned and have experienced the need to divorce yourselves from your past life in its entirety, even a supportive spouse: Why is this? Why was it not possible for you to continue to be with your wife even though she was willing to stay the course?

Even though I realize that some of you who haven't gone through a transition may think my spouse is making a mistake to let me go, I do only want to hear from the TSs who have experienced similar feelings as my spouse. I'd love to know why you felt this way, and did you ever come to regret your decision to leave the relationship? In other words, do you think there is hope that she'll want me back eventually?

Thank you all in advance for your insights.

[Katesback]

For those of us that simply want to be women there really is no easy way but to cut the ties and move on. When I used to visit my parents I saw that even though they tried to accomodate me they really werent and you could tell they were holding on to the past in some ways.

It was very frustrating and I basically cut all ties with them and my past life. I often feel like I have nothing anymore and cry at times. On the other hand I can live my life with the most minimal possible amout of my past following me wherever I go.

Thats the emotional side. There are a lot more reasons to cut the past out such as not haveing to deal with the expectations of a spouse, being able to start dating men, ect. ect.

[Stephanie Anne]

What Kate said. It boils down to the emotional turmoil we suffer through being forced into a gender that is not who we are. You can tolerate only so much and soon enough you have to make a decision.

Transition is a personal journey and not something to be done based ont eh feelings of others. The statement here: "One of the things agreed upon was to wait a few years before undergoing SRS, both to help ease me into this final step but also because the funds simply aren't there for us at the moment", is the biggest tell tale sign that she will never be able to grow so long as she lives in that relationship.

The delusion that their marriage was happy leads me to believe the wife really did not ever communicate and understand her spouses struggles.

I go through the frustration at work and with family myself where my past is still very real and it is frustrating at times having to be reminded of a life I never chose.

My advise is to accept she will never go back to her old life and should not be guilted in doing so.

[Katesback]

I did not catch the "agreement part of the story". That is also something I see all too often. An agreement. I know a lot of TS people with Orchies because there was an agreement and the wife wanted to retain some semblance of the man she married. IT is all a big mess! You can actually see in these peoples eyes that they know they ONLY did the orcie because it was a compromise.

I have to say that I am all for someone being who they are regardless of the consequences. Transition is a thing that some would call selfish and no doubt it is. Transition is also an event that really cannot be done successfully without a 100% effort. That 100% effort means one has to do whatever it takes to succeed and if that means NOT living under the expectations of other people then so be it.

The trans world is FILLED with people that do not give 100%. Nearly all of these people suffer greatly and its really sad to think about thier situations. Many cannot accept that they have to live thier lives for themselves and so they take BABY steps. They take herbal hormones, go to support groups for 15 years with no change but talk about what they are going to do, they hide in the closet when the wife is home and pretend to be crossdressers, they seek out trans friends that are just as miserable as they are and sit around and talk trans stuff all the while these friends are not really doing them any favors because they are essentially being an enabler. They are enabling disfunction basically. The best part of all is when someone who KNOWS calls them on all the bulls__t they get all defensive. Go figure.

The very small few that actually do say "hell with it I am going to be me"....... well they do take it all seriously and the fact is that staying with a spouse is very often counterproductive to thier 100% effort. As I said before it easy to say it is selfish but then it is also easy to say it is selfish to expect someone to PRETEND to be someone they are not.

Katie

[Aprilrain]

I have to agree with the previous responders. Though I could not bring myself to ditch my kids (frankly I think you'd have to be in a desperate way to do that) I could live with never seeing my spouse again. Then again ours has not been the best marriage anyway. If my kids chose to chuck me to the wind for my choices then so be it that's them not me. Obviously it would hurt but so does living a lie in front of them. It hurt to the point of suicidal and homicidal thoughts. That's way crazier than saying good bye to loved ones who can't accept you.

Like Stephanie Anne I have to wonder how happy the marriage was before. I know I got really good at keeping my true thoughts and feelings hidden away, often so deeply that even I couldn't access them but there they were boiling under the surface. Often I honestly believed I was upset about one thing but in retrospect it was clearly related to gender disphoria.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Hello,

Hello,


I would like to respond if I could please.

You sound like the type of woman that is a very rare exception.
What I mean is the overwhelming majority of spouses leave after the revelation has been made that he is actually she and the TS spouse has to transition.
In my case I lost my spouse and everyone that was associated with us.
In my opinion it sounds like you have compromised and are willing to stay with your spouse despite all of the turmoil and drama associated with transition.
I would have given anything and everything for my wife to have stayed with me.
I want to say thank you for staying with your spouse and offering your love and support.
Continue your attempts at reason concerning surgery while continuing your support.
Your a shining jewel amongst the dark realities so many of us face.
Thank you for being there for your spouse.


Julia

[BreenaDion]

You sound just like my wife. Thou I am different in the way I lived my life but the last 2 yrs im the same as every one else . I did also have the erge to purge the marriage. Its the same as purging ur clothes at a earlier time, I wanted to purge my wife of 22 yrs. She didnt totally support me at first but I took the advice of my Gender Specialist an stayed in the marriage. She told me that it would be easier for me to transition at home with my family, so I did take her advice. That span of time while I started to transition came alot of emoitions about purging the marriage, I resisted an as it stands now over a yr later im glad I didnt purge.
Dont know how ur transitioning spouce is going to handle your lack of support. I do know lacking support to a TS is mostly a death warrent, in a multied of ways. Lack of support from a spouse is one of the worse things you can do an not easy to forgive or over come. One of the reasons why suicide rate of TS is so very high. Be nice of you to show unconditional love but we dont know how she is going to percieve it or act on it.
Counsiling might help but not always the answer, has to come from with her to forgive you. Good Luck.
Breena.