Am I transsexual?

[Nick2Nikki]

Time for a little background information:

I have been depressed for the last four or five years. It's a rather serious depression, and though I've been on pills and undergoing counciling for a bit over a year now, my situation hasn't gotten any better. My depression doesn't just stem from my emotional side, but from my logical side as well. I wish to commit suicide, and have practiced, but I haven't made a serious attempt yet. I guess it's just part of my nature to want to plan and make sure I'm able to do it before I really try.

I've only been crossdressing for a little under a year now. I do have memories of wanting to crossdress or be a girl before that, it's just that about a year ago I had an opportunity to try crossdressing, and ended up wishing that I had been doing it for awhile. Of course one of the questions that I'm sure many crossdressers ask themselves at the beginning is whether they want to become a woman, or if they just like dressing up. I thought that I knew my answer--that I was just dressing--but now I'm not so sure.

My reasons for thinking that I'm just a guy mostly have to do with my personality. I don't think that anyone would call me girly (unless I'm acting that way on purpose), one of my friends put it this way: "Nick is the only guy I know who can insist he's the manliest man ever, while wearing a dress, and have me believe him." See, I have a logical analytical mind, one that rejects emotional solutions (since they're not really solutions). I've got an engineer's brain, mixed with an artist's. I thought that since I fit the stereotype of a very "male" brain, there's no way that I was a woman caught in a male body, right?

Lately, however, I've begun to doubt my earlier answer. After all, there must be women with my sort of brain, right? It seems silly to think there aren't, considering all the girls that were in the science and engineering programs at university. Plus, if I could go back and choose my body when I was born, I know that I would always choose to be a female. I think I would be perfectly content to have my male (?) mind trapped in a female body. But does that mean that I should consider transitioning?

If I were to transition, I think now is the right time. I'm 21, and highly considering going to art school for the next four years, meaning that I don't have to worry about my career while transitioning.

But one thing in particular has had me wondering about transitioning: I know that many with gender dysphoria experience depression as a result of their condition. I don't think that gender identity is part of my depression, though I don't really know if I can be sure. Post-transition transsexuals have lower depression rates than the average population, so is there a chance that transitioning could be a (partial) cure to my depression?

So, it boils down to two separate issues: Am I transsexual? and what role does my depression play in considering transition?

Sorry for the long post, but obviously I've got a lot on my mind.

[sandra-leigh]

Your summary does sound as if you are transgender, but I am not at all good at evaluating whether someone is transsexual.

Depression can certainly influence desire to transition. I had a rather deep depression with a seemingly rapid onset (I had just been thinking I was sort of unhappy...). After about 7 months of medical treatment for the depression, I realized that I was a cross-dresser. In experimenting with my cross-dressing, I found that cross-dressing was a far better treatment for my depression than the medication was. Last year (about 7 years in), I decided to try HRT. Yes, I wanted the more obvious body changes, but more importantly I needed to see whether the hormone thearapy would alleviate my depression. My progress on anti-androgens has not been fast, and has not been trouble-free, but so far it is affecting my depression -- when I'm not tired out by the side effects, it feels like my IQ has gone up by at least 20 points, in that I am able to process information of higher complexity and faster and on a quite wide variety of topics.

Now, to be clear: the fact that I am finding that effect on me does not say anything about whether you would be less or more depressed with hormones. My biochemistry appears to be a bit unusual, and some things that affect some people have little effect on me, and some things that would not be noticable to most people have extreme effects on me. (No, my blood isn't green :toungeout:)

[Melody Moore]

No one here can determine if you are truly transsexual, not even a qualified pyschologist can give you those answers,
however this is something you have to talk to a qualified pyschologist about. They are the best people to help you
get to the root causes of your depression & your gender identity issues. So my advice is get professional help ASAP.

[christinac]

No one here can determine if you are truly transsexual, not even a qualified pyschologist can give you those answers,
however this is something you have to talk to a qualified pyschologist about. They are the best people to help you
get to the root causes of your depression & your gender identity issues. So my advice is get professional help ASAP.

I couldn't put it any better if I tried! Like Melody said "get professional help ASAP".

[Nick2Nikki]

Right, I have been seeing professional help for a little while now. Tonight I'm going to bring up the topic of transitioning, and see where the conversation goes from there. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if transitioning might be right for me. As far as I can tell the answer is likely yes, though a part of me isn't so sure.

[christinac]

I really have no advice to offer there other than encouragement to continue with the professional help. Please keep us posted on your progress.

[Melody Moore]

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is if transitioning might be right for me. s far as I can tell the answer is likely yes, though a part of me isn't so sure.
This is the very reason you need to talk more about your pyschologist. Sure from all accounts that you have given so far it seems that you are most likely transgendered. But having said that if someone else tells you you are transsexual when you might not be and you follow that advice there is going to be deep resentment in your heart about your decision. If I told you I thought you that were transsexual and then you went out and started transitioning then later found out that this wasn't right for you then you harmed yourself or committed suicide which you have already mentioned then the guilt of that would destroy me as well.

The decision to transition can only be yours and noone elses. A therapist is there to help you sort out & rationalise issues and help you to make the most informed decisions, but like the rest of us here, they don't have the answers, those answers must come from within because you know yourself better than anyone else. You will find out soon enough that this is the way things have always been for every other transsexual person on this site.

Please don't think we don't care because we do, but this is the most valuable & best advice I can
offer you right now. Is all we can do is guide you here, we cannot help you - only you can help yourself.

[christinac]

Once Again, I cannot put it any better if I tried. Nick2Nikki I highy encourage you to take heed to Melody's advice. But like I said before, please keep us posted because even though we may not have all the answers for you, we really do care.

[mistunderstood]

First I want to say hi. You sound like me but in reverse. I am a FTM. I think like you do. I am not a very emotional or girly minded person. My mind is geared toward male things. I like to play football I like to play hockey I like things to be physical. I hate to be neat I hate it when people are emotional I do not get it when girls flirt. In my mind I am male but my body says girl. I to discovered that I have What is called Gender Identity Disorder in counseling. Counseling was a place to sort it all out. I am still in counseling and discovering new things about my-self. So do not lose hope.

[Aprilrain]

The only thing I would add is that you may want a therapist who is versed in gender issues.

[BreenaDion]

Get a Gender Specialist to work out your Transgenderism. As far as your depression, transitioning did solve my depression really fast. I started getting depressed at the onset of Testosterone at puberty, and had it for decades but wasnt a hindering factor. after my last 2 children where born in the mid 90's it came back again an bad. By 2000 I had to deal with Seasonal Affective Disorder also. Just about cost me my marriage. At 04 it got so bad I had to get meds or find myself dead or in jail. Through events of 08 an 09 I stated to transition at age 54 and my depression whent away. I got off meds at beginning of 09 cuz it wasnt working, figuring I get chemically clean an try psychologist or a psycyatrist . Transition cured me even lightened up my SAD also.
Good luck
Breena.

[Nick2Nikki]

Well, I went to counselling, and thought there wasn't a great deal of time spent discussing the possibility of me transitioning, I'm nearly certain that it is the right decision for me. First of all, I'm pretty sure that I do want to be a woman. Secondly, If I later end up finding that I made the wrong choice, then what's the worst that could happen? I'd become depressed and suicidal? I can't see any downside to transitioning, at least none that I consider serious enough to make me think that it isn't the right thing for me. I'm not sure what the procedure is for starting hormone therapy is in Canada, so I'm off to do some research before setting up a visit with my doctor.

[Melody Moore]

I should also mention that transitioning also settled down all my long term anxiety & depression issues
almost instantly because I was no longer living a lie & being true to myself & truly felt free from any of
the expectation to conform to my physiological sex for the first time in my life. I let the real person who
so happens to be a female come out instead of trying to repress the part of me which just came naturally
and was a lot more dominant in my personality & emotions.


First of all, I'm pretty sure that I do want to be a woman. Secondly, If I later end up finding that I made the wrong choice, then what's the worst that could happen? I'd become depressed and suicidal? I can't see any downside to transitioning, at least none that I consider serious enough to make me think that it isn't the right thing for me. I'm not sure what the procedure is for starting hormone therapy is in Canada, so I'm off to do some research before setting up a visit with my doctor.

Good Stuff Nikki, now you are starting to show us that you working this out for yourself
and you have arrived at that same point where you feel there is no other option for you.

Diagnosing Gender Dysphoria or transsexualism is very difficult and its
extremely hard to understand if this is what is really affecting us or not.

I know quite a few transsexuals who never really cross-dressed and if they did it was more to do with trying to discover their true
gender identity rather than anything sexual, especially if this happened in early childhood. Many also seem to also have problems
identifying with and also relating to same sex peers that stem right back to early childhood. Some transsexual females also engage
in hyper-masculine activities trying to fit in with male peers or prove themselves to be a man.

There can also be a sexual side to dressing up as a member of the opposite sex as well that usually comes out from puberty
onwards but this cannot be the sole basis for wanting to transition. There has to be underlying gender identity crisis with your
gender identity to be diagnosed as true transsexual. So can you tell us anything about anything like this happening with you?

[Inna]

Hey Nikki, sorry about the depression thing, but unfortunately such is a gateway everyone of us must pass. As to "AM I TRANSGENDER" question, I believe that anyone asking this question already knows the answer, however, deciphering and digging deep to uncover it, takes tremendous effort in time and therapy.

My own little test to see more clearly the person within is to set aside all the aspects of life that associate guilt and responsibility. So imagine you are alone without relationships of importance, survival is not based on providing because all your financial needs are simply covered, you are being presented with a possibility to transform into a woman within very short period of time without hurting or disappointing anyone. Your new life will not be dependent on job performance or where you fit in society because, as already pointed out you are very well off, till the end of your life. Would you do it???????????????

[sandra-leigh]

I'm not sure what the procedure is for starting hormone therapy is in Canada, so I'm off to do some research before setting up a visit with my doctor.

Procedures vary by province; there is no federal standard, as health care is a provincial responsibility. For example here in Manitoba, there is no provincial standard, so in theory any doctor can prescribe HRT here.

Alberta de-funded GRS within the last 2 years, and was heading towards defunding HRT for transgendered people; I don't know if they reached that point.

Have you connected with Illusions Social Club (Calgary) or Calgary Girlfriends? Illusions Calgary is reachable online (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/illusionssocialclub/) as is Calgary Girlfriends (http://ca.groups.yahoo.com/group/Calgary_Girlfriends/) (you will need a yahoo account to access either of those pages). There are almost certainly some people in Illusions who know the hoops in Calgary. (I used to follow the discussions of Edmonton Illusions and they knew the Alberta procedures.)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I would add Nikki that starting things like HRT, and meeting personally as many tg and ts people as possible are very helpful in answering your questioning..

i think your approach is very healthy. Asking am i transsexual is basically saying "i'm transsexual, but what can i do about it? what WILL i do about it?"

so you are already on the advanced program because you are figuring out what to do..

[Pythos]

First off, and I am sure you have gotten this often. Don't kill yourself. If you do that the idiots win. Leave that course of life available for the CEOs that mess over workers, or the dictators that are on the verge of being lynched, and so on.

Now, I know where you are coming from when you say that your freinds say that you are the manliness man in a dress. I look at it as a compliment. I can be fully decked out, and still not really pull off being female. Know why? CAUSE I'M NOT!!!!

Forget about transitioning for now. Take the more untraveled course and that is, be a male, with feminine style.

The only reason I myself would want to be female is so I could have more freedom of appearance and expression of my emotions other than anger, and jealousy.

I know I get depressed when I feel I have to hide myself in order to be acepted and how much I am limiting myself socially by doing what I do. But who's fault is that really? Is it mine, or is it because society is illeducated because people like you and me hide.

HIDING HELPS NO ONE.

I don't know how many times I have to say that until I see other men respectfully presenting unusual styles for men, as men or androgynous (I don't include true transsexuals because they are a different kettle of fist)

I for one don't really like the false chests. Long hair is not inhearently feminine, neither are shaved legs.

Nicki, or Nick, I have seen those pics and you like me have a light and lithe body build. This is both a blessing and a curse. I used to hate my build, but I quickly got over that. I realized that the great maker made me this way. No amount of weightlifting got me to bulk out, and I am now grateful for that.

The depression you speak of I think is due to the percieved un-acceptance that you feel you will experience. If you are going into art, I don't think you will have to worry about that.

Hang in there, and chin up. Life will get better. Just.

[Nick2Nikki]

Pythos, I was wondering if you would comment. For awhile I figured I was in the same boat as you, a guy who liked dressing with a feminine style. I certainly have no problem living that way, and I would continue to do so if I thought that was the right course of action for me. THe problem is, I don't really think that that is the right path for me, but rather that I should consider transitioning.

I certainly haven't been hiding from anyone. I decided from the very beginning that dressing was not something that I should be ashamed of, and therefore not something I should have to hide. My family and friends know that I am a crossdresser, and all of them have seen me dressed at one time or another.

Kaitlyn, I do have one crossdressing friend, and one MTF transsexual friend. I intend to give my transsexual friend a call; hopefully talking with her will give me a better idea of what I should prepare for if I start hormones.

My dressing is not sexual in nature, though I find it difficult to understand exactly why I do it. As for identifying with girls more than boys, I do remember that that I was the only boy in a group of girls, or would hang out with the girls rather than that guys, but that was back in grade school. Since then I've tended to have more guy friends than girls, though since my group of friends has been steadily shrinking, I don't read too much into that.

[Inna]

Hey Nikki, I am so glad you are talking and analyzing and planning. Whenever someone mentions the end I shiver, I was standing 2 feet away from abyss and when I think of anyone else being there it hurts as well. I know as well that when in depression words of encouragement do not sound so vibrant but I know they do get to you. You are so young, oh my, deciding to transition at your age opens a galore of opportunities for "normal" life ahead. You know it will not be all roses, and real hard at times but you are doing this not for anyone else but you. YOU baby, just wholesome beautiful you. I love you very much and encourage you to live in truth, Alexia.

[Teri Jean]

Nikki, I would say transgendered but only with the help of a gender therapist will you realize whether you are TS or not. As a TS I have seen a number of individuals who had some form of depression while exploring their future. The one thing is you need to get some professional help and do not consider the S word. There is so much to live for and so much ahead of you. Take the courage to find out what is there and move forward. BTW, I am a TS-F, 62 yrs young, widowed and two daughters. I am a machinist by trade and work in Building Repair for a university but most happy being artsy, in particular wood sculpting. Nikki please hang in there.

Teri Jean

[Nick2Nikki]

I talked to my transsexual friend this afternoon, and I think that talking to her really helped me. I'm still not 100% emotionally on board, but maybe I shouldn't expect to be. Transition is a big change, so it's naive to think that I know exactly how I would feel about it before actually experiencing it. That said, I'm nearly certain that it is the right path for me. My friend gave me some information about how the process works in Alberta, so I'm going to try to start the process as soon as possible. It wounds like I shouldn't expect to be able to begin hormones (legally) any sooner than six months from now, so I'll still have some time to continue pondering my decision before starting meds. That also give me some time to try living full time as a woman, which I suppose is the next step for me.

[Melody Moore]

That also give me some time to try living full time as a woman, which I suppose is the next step for me.
That is a really good idea, I did the exact same thing before I started hormone therapy to see how comfortable I really felt living in my new gender role because I understood many of the effects of hormones are irreversible. Even before I started on hormones I passed very well as a female & all at the age of 47 years old. And going by your photo here I don't imagine you would have too many issues with passing as a female being so young & androgynous in your appearance.

The more settled you are in your new gender role the easier it will be for doctors & pyschologist to assess your gender identity disorder & suitability for hormone therapy. I had two appointments with two different doctors within 2 weeks at the same gender clinic and was prescribed hormone therapy after the 2nd visit. The doctor at the first visit told me that she was blown away by how naturally feminine I was and how comfortable I was in my gender role as a female. However she wanted a second opinion to support what she believed in the first place. The 2nd doctor had the same kind of reaction to me & said the exact same things. Both doctors thought I was having electrolysis and already on some type of hormone therapy when I wasn't on anything. It was just tidying up little things like thinning down my eyebrows and removing facial & body hair using an epilator & learnt how to do make-up & dress properly without overdoing it that was helping me a lot.

So I think your decision to start a real life test is the best way to find out what is best for
you and how convicted you are in your decision to transition. You really are a much more
mature & further along in your journey than I first thought and seem very much ready for this.

[Nick2Nikki]

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

Never before has that been so true for me. 11 AM was h-hour for me, I showered, cleaned up my nails, threw on some girl's jeans and a pink sweater I really like, and was ready to begin my life as a woman. I went to the mall, got my hair cut in a more feminine style (plus it'd been more than a year since my last cut anyhow), then I got my ears pierced. I tried to keep up a feminine voice the whole time, but I was slipping up non-stop. That's okay though, I'm sure I'll be proficient soon enough. I've also set up a doctor's appointment for Saturday (I need to update my insulin prescription), so I'll make my family doctor aware of my intentions then.

My dad gets home from a long business tomorrow night, so that's when the interesting part begins. I feel sorry for him, as he was just really coming to terms with the idea of having a crossdressing son; I hope the idea of possibly having a daughter instead isn't too much for him. I'm sure he'l be okay with it eventually, it's just that he's been pretty good about my choices so far, so I feel bad about putting him into a possibly more awkward situation. It's going to be an interesting ride home from the airport, but I've got a good idea of what to say to him.

Next thing on the agenda for me is to go and buy some more clothes. I have several outfits, but certainly not enough if I'm going to be wearing women's clothes all the time. I guess it's off to Goodwill tomorrow to get some basic clothes.

So, I'm exited for the future, with a touch of anxiety. That's okay though, because the only way to know if this is right for me is to try it, and that's what I'm doing. I just hope I don't have a heart attack!

[Melissa Jill]

Good luck with everything!
Reading your initial post, it sounds like you're a bit like me...but a few years in the future, so make sure you keep updating us!

[Nick2Nikki]

Well, day two.

I talked with my mother and brothers over the phone last night, and let them know of my plans. They were mostly okay with it, though my mom made a few funny comments. She doesn't understand why I would want to be a woman, which I understand, but she again assumed that I would be looking for a boyfriend, when I had told her in the past that I am definitely attracted to women. Her response, "but you can get women now!" I had to point out that I could theoretically get men now too, and there isn't anything sexual about wanting to transition. My dad got home from a business trip today, and he seems to be taking it fairly well. Of course he needs time to think about it, but I'm sure he'll accept it in the end.

That's one hurdle down, many more to go.

[Simply_Vanessa]

sounds so exciting :) I think you'll do great no matter what you decide to do.

[Louistoalana]

I've been reading this thread very attentively as I am 21 too. I started dressing around 2 years ago but for a long time have felt that I'd rather have been born a girl. I go through cycles but usually something that depresses me (break-up with a girlfriend, receiving a bad mark at uni, a lack of direction in life in general) triggers transgendered feelings in me. However when I'm happy with the way things are going the feelings go away so for me it's very frustrating.

I am very happy for you that you seem to have taken control of things

[Nick2Nikki]

Hmm, I started this thread to ask the question, "Should I transition?" and now it's become a sort of transition progress thread....

So I made another small step on my journey today; I went to my general practitioner and told him about my intention to transition. After asking some basic questions, such as if I been seeing counselling, how long had I felt this way, was everything physically normal in terms of sex organs, etc., he agreed to write a letter of recommendation to Dr. Warneke, the "gatekeeper" for all CID issues in Alberta. I guess I just have to call Dr. Warneke's office in a week or so to see if they got his letter, and to set up an appointment (or see how one goes about doing so). So, it's a small step, but an important one.

I'm also starting to realize that I really do need to start perfecting my use of makeup. While do shave very thoroughly every morning, my beard hair is still noticeable. I was hoping to be able to go without having to put on concealer and foundation every day, but I think I would blend in much better with a little makeup every day. And I really can't say I'm living as a woman full time if nobody in their right mind would mistake me for one!

Oh, and I really, really need to get better at using my girl voice. I'm still using my guy voice 90% of the time. I need to change that.

[Céleste_B]

Congratulations & kudos for taking this next giant step! Hopefully everything will go well at Dr Warneke's office!
I guess like everything else practice makes perfect. The makeup & voice will take a bit of time to get up to par, but don't be afraid to ask advice from your group of support people, I'm sure at least one of them will be glad to help out!

[danielleb]

Nikki,

Sorry I'm late to the party with this response, but in regards to your initial post:

I've been depressed in some form or another for several years, and more intensly over the past three years. For me, I'm sure that alot stems from my TG issues and the discrepency over seeing myself as inescapably male, and never capable of becoming what I truly want. I read into your comment of "I wish to commit suicide..." as being carefully worded, as I would have done. I hope that this is true for you: I don't really ever want to commit suicide, but life seems so hopless that I wish I could allow myself to commit suicide.

I've been cross-dressing in private for as long as I can remeber (2-4), so I didn't really question myself in that regard. I don't think you have to question it if you don't feel a need to. It's only recently that I began to question myself. In large part because I already knew the answer, and didn't want to have to face the issue head on at this point in my life.

The question of whether or not you want to be a woman is such a simple connection of words, but the real issue is so much grander, as I'm sure you and the rest of us here know. To disconnect from who and what you have wanted to beleive yourself to be for so long. Every other aspect of life comes into question, including the validity of life itself.

It's easy to mold your own perception to fit what you want to see. I never thought I portrayed many "girlie" traits to others, and my gender identity was certainly never in question by anyone I knew. I think the description of your very own brain fits neatly into the textbook transexual. The mere idea that you connect emotional and rational ideas speaks for itself. Your rejection of the emotional is simply your own reasoning that you need to respond as you've learned other males would.

Speaking from my own experience, for years I would never have connected GID to my depression. Simply because I couldn't mentally allow myself to even bear thoughts that felt outside masculine. You may not see the connection, because you are denying yourself the capability.

No one else can tell you that your transexual. The answer is within yourself. The key is that you have to be truly open to yourself and allow yourself to recieve the true answer. Casting aside preconceived notions of what you are, want to be, or could be.

I would say that the depression only plays a role so far as it's acting as a sort of warning to you that something in your life is unsettled and you need to adress it to keep moving twoards contentment. I wouldn't look to transtion as an end all for your depressive thoughts. If it works out that it is, great! But the decision shouldn't be based on something so simple.

[Nick2Nikki]

Danielleb, thanks for your well-considered response. Your description of my suicidal feelings is just about right on. It's a feeling that I want to be dead, rather than specifically wanting to kill myself. I feel fine right now though, and am hopeful for the future right now.

I know myself very well, better than most people know themselves. So for me the question wasn't really quite so much whether I wanted to be a female, but whether my perception of what that might mean matches up with what it actually entails. I just got to the point where I decided that the answer couldn't come from introspection alone, so I talked to some friends, asked the question here, talked it over with my therapist, and finally decided that while I was pretty sure, the only way to be sure was a real life test.

It's for that reason that I can't be sure that my depression is linked to any gender issues, because I tend to be pretty honest with myself. Of course it'd be great if that were the case, as solving my gender issues should then help clear up my depression issues (or so one can hope). But really I think that my depression goes much deeper than that, so I imagine it's something that I'll have to do battle with for awhile.

Though I would never say that my rejection of the emotional has to do with any learned preconceptions of how I should think as a male. I dislike decisions made on emotion based on the very idea that they just don't make sense. I've seen situations where men make stupid emotional decisions just as often as women have, though the driving emotions tend to be different. It's really just part of my personality type.