Ups & Downs

[janelle]

Hello all;
Last night I almost did something very stupid. I was in 1 of our parks & thought about jumping in the river. As you can see I did not. What I learned while I was thinking about it that my problem that I wrestle with still having my male parts. Work ( company) treats me as a male in almost ever way. Also when I take a shower I am reminded that by the courts & all I am still male, hell even my Medical records say that. All of this has lead me to be in the nut house twice now for 6 days each. I am at a loss of how to get past these things. My therapist says use ratiacle acceptence which things you can not change! Well I believe this can be changed if one knows how, so I drive myself crazy trying to find away. So I ask:

Do any of you know how to not let all the above get to you?? Its even bad when I shower, I get sick to my stomach some times, so as you can see this is a living hell.

Again I no longer know what or how to handle this & thus the bad thoughts of leaving this world. (for me, I know the other side will be beautiful so I have no fear). I hope this is enough info for you all to use your thinking caps.

It is my hope that EVERYONE will give input on this.
THANKS EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Mega hugs to you all.

[JohnH]

Please don't take your life. I have been unemployed ever since April 2009 and I have thought of taking my life feeling that I am useless. I have had to take a deep breath and say to myself that things will get better.

What I really hated was being coerced to have my hair cut so I am more able to find employment. I have come to accept that since hair will grow out.
I'm assuming you are on hormones.

"My therapist says use ratiacle acceptence which things you can not change!" - what do you mean by ratiacle - do you mean "radical"?

If you could give us a few more details such as:

Are you on hormones?
How is your financial situation?
Do you have a significant other (SO) and what is the relation with that person?

May things get better for you.

Take care,

Johanna (male name John)

[Stephenie S]

I think he meant rational, as in "rational acceptance".

Always remember that taking your own life, while it is your right, is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There are many successful transitions here on this forum. It IS possible. It CAN be done. Many, many guys have been happily successful in their quest to solve their gender disphoria problems. That's pretty much what this forum is all about

But listen. This is important. YOU HAVE TO DO IT. transition is a VERB. It's an ACTION. You have to DO it. Sitting around dreaming, wishing, hoping, planning, talking, and posting are all for naught and will get you NOWHERE but depressed.

So put on your big girl panties and get started. Find a therapist, start hormone therapy.

Remember, you can always change your mind.

But if you take your own life, there will be no going back.

Stephie

[janelle]

Yes I did me radical. Yes I have been on hormones for serveral years now & living as a woman for at least 3,1/2 years now if not longer. The money is a hang up but I have applied for a grant & praying I can get one. My weight is a problem but am working on it very hard. As for as a SO, there is no one. I seem to work 6 & 7 days trying to save money to help out But then my 2 trips to the nut house have killed much of the saving factor for me.

If I could only find a way to accept that ugly thing between my legs & let the crap I get at work go & seeing "M" on tons of things I come in contact with, I would be ok, I just have not found away tyo do that.

As far as death goes, yes its a end all, but for me I know where I will be going when I die & I know my life there will be very peaceful, much better than any thing here on earth. I have never quit on anything but I am just about at the end of my rope, thats why I asked for advice. This is family here, we all feel each others pain & share the things we know, who could ask for anything more.

As I close this note, let me tell you I will keep calling for help before I do something stupid & pray I find a way to fix it all. Take care all & I look forward to more advice.

HUGS

[JohnH]

One thing that keeps me going is thinking that I am placed on this earth to help others on some way that only I can do.

I'm thinking as a real world example of a Christian who had a walk with the Lord who took his life. He was on dialysis and he had a rough life before straightening out his life. I had a stepson who may have avoided a life of crime and incarceration had he been able to talk to the dialysis patient.

There is an old movie about a man who thought of taking his life. I forget the title of the movie. In fact, someone told him that with his life insurance that he was worth more dead than alive. If he never lived, several bad things would have happened:
1. His wife would remain a spinster.
2. The house he would have lived in would have became uninhabitable.
3. The town would have had strip bars.

Think of this - if you are a Christian and you took your life the Lord would be very sorely disappointed that you did so.

Take care,

Johanna (John)

[Chickhe]

You have someone helping you which is good. I went through a really bad depressiion and I can tell you it is a long road to feeling good about yourself. I'm only a CDer and my issues were a mountain of other stuff too...well it took some time to figure it out, but in your case, I would say don't become discouraged by something you can't change today...maybe tomorrow you will better luck. It is good advice to do some things that have mad you happy in the past and get a lot of exercise, get out of the house etc... The main thing I found, was I had to decide to get better and I really put effort in to it.

[Stephenie S]

As far as death goes, yes its a end all, but for me I know where I will be going when I die & I know my life there will be very peaceful, much better than any thing here on earth.

HUGS

Whoa there Nellie. You know where you are going? Suicide is a sin, a serious sin. It also happens to be a crime.

S

[janelle]

This is true but I have prayed often for forgiveness if it comes to that. The thing I have learned is God wants to know where your heart is & if its on him I believe he will forgive me. I try to focus on him everyday & for the most part that is what gets me thru these bad days. I guess none of us will really know until he calls us all home. Thanks.

HUGS

[Kaitlyn Michele]

all we can to you janelle is to take good care of yourself..one of the things about transsexualism is that we feel worthless and ashamed..

this is a symptom of our situation ...it's not your fault, you share your wonderful humanity with all of us...we are all just people...there is nothing to be ashamed about and yet many of us feel this so powerfully..

your sadness is well understood...i have been there...I've stared at impossible and it sucks.... the only way to do it is day by day... i did stupid stuff..self medicated in various ways...but through desperation came small actions and step by step things changed..


i have read your posts over time, you can do this...you are smart and strong...you said yourself ..."focus on him everyday...gets me through..and NONE OF US KNOW UNTIL HE CALLS ..."...well guess what...HE NEVER CALLS on us to die byour own hand...never...

[janelle]

Well put Kailyn. Your right I do feel ashamed & worthless & I know its because of all I gave up to be me. What I still don't understand is why God does not answer my prayers for help so I can be me. If he won't do that, they why not call me home, what have I to offer any one???????????

[JohnH]

Janelle,

You are not the only one who is going through rough times. Please consider:

I have been out of work since April 2009 and I have asked to Lord to call me home after he did not give me a job. I guess I have to change a few attitudes before the Lord will bless me. And I have had times when I felt ashamed and worthless. I have to remind myself things will get better.

So please remind yourself things will get better.

Johanna (John)

[Charlena]

We love you Janelle, I have had thoughts similar to yours but we never know what tomorrow will bring. I am still here learning to be me, and starting to fight for my rights as a person. Depression can be debilitating but we can beat it. Good thoughts to you my sister. Lena

[Melissa Jill]

Janelle, please take care of yourself. I would hate for you to do something stupid like end it all.
If you ever need someone to talk to, you are more than welcome to talk to me. Really, do not hesitate to contact me if you want to talk, I really dont mind.

Im not a religious person at all, but if there is a God, then I believe there is a reason for everything, we just don't know what that is.

[janelle]

Thank you one & all. This has been a 5 years project & have done many of fights for my rights & all that goes with this. I have taking parading past just about everyone at work just to use a rest room. I just don't know how to get over feeling sick when I shower & touch that area. I don't understand why God has let this happen to me. & maybe the biggest, why do people think we are freaks & if they get to close or try to get to know us, that they may catch this horrible thing we have. I guess I can go on living this way but it will not be a happy life. Thanks everyone, you are all truly special.

HUGS & ------------------{-------------@'s for all