The Crossdressers Connundrum

[Katrina82]

So for awhile I've been cross dressing. I absolutely love it and hate myself for loving it. It's such a taboo topic of society and something almost no one can accept. These sociological views have then trained me to hate myself for doing it.

So I go through phases where I buy up lots of stuff. (cheerleading uniforms are my fetish, hee hee:devil:) Then I eventually get sick of myself for doing it, get afraid of being caught and loosing friends, family and gf over it. I then throw everything away...a purge you could say.

These purges have gone on a couple of times now and I don't know what to do. So after doing so good for so long after the last purge, here I am...back again and LOVING it!

I went to Goodwill today and got a few blouses, a couple of cap sleeved tops, a short denim mini skirt, and two black skirts. This is big news for me because I've never been shopping for girl clothes before and actually gone through with the purchase! (I mean in person, not online and not with any GG friends to help me make the purchase)

So right now I'm wearing my denim mini skirt, some black pantyhose and my blue cap sleeve top(it stretches down real long so I'm thinking of layering it with another top) and feel so wonderful! I want to get some heels again and try my hand at makeup for a first time. :)

So who here deals with this same issue, what have you chosen to do about it? Obviously not stop CD'ing, because otherwise you wouldn't be reading this, right? lol What do you all recommend I do about my "conundrum"?

[LitaKelley]

I love cheerleader uniforms too. :) Unfortunately though, I don't own any yet, because finding a set with right size bottom and top is difficult, and the prices are often high... SO, next time you feel the need to purge, don't throw them away, sell them, lol :) I love the pleated skirts with long sleeve tops, like in your avatar <3

[Natalie Wood]

Katrina,

I totally understand your how you must be feeling. You love how you feel when you cd. You cannot tell anyone, or so you think. And it sounds like there is a sense of guilt at times.

Don't ask me how I sense this, but I sense that you are getting close to telling someone close to you. I am here to tell you that you should tell someone significantly close to you. It is a gamble of course, but I know that it will change your life for the best. You will feel better in every possible way. But the time has to be right for you and you probably have to confide in just the right person.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I could tell my wife. NEVER lol. But after hiding it for 14 years I went through a two month period where it was screaming to come out. I can't explain it but I just couldn't hold it in anymore and I told her. We have been so happy ever since. There were many unknown, pleasant surprises that were discovered due to me allowing her to know. It really helped our marriage to be honest with you.

I just think that if you can, you should maybe try telling your gf, or a relative who is close to you. You may be surprised at what comes from it.

[Natalie Wood]

BTW, I hope that was the conundrum that you were talking about...lol. If it was about just purging then sorry for that advice.

[sterling12]

You already named Your Poison! You have labeled this "A Conundrum." My, ( and about everyone else's) Definition for Conundrum is: "An unsolvable puzzle with no logical answers." So.....in my estimation, you are stuck with it!

If that is so, your best coping strategy would be TO ACCEPT IT. Instead of purging, feeling guilt, feeling remorse, and feeling shame. How about you start to feel good about the unique person that you actually are? If we agree it is unsolvable, no point in wasting effort trying to analyse and correct The Situation. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life pissing and moaning about something you can't effect?

Your choice, I think. "Acceptance" may lead to happiness and contentment. Denial....well, you already know where that path leads. You have a long life ahead of you. Use it well.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[FrannieGrl]

My dear girl, You must tell someone who is a confidant. Usually it is better to tell a female friend, because they will more
easily be able to deal with this news. DO NOT share this with anyone who is a friend of your wife or girlfriend first, because
they may be the first to jump and tell your SO.

If you have any gay friends, they may be able to help with this too.

I have found that the easiest way to come out is to find out about others in the CD community in Your city or area and
meet with them and enjoy some sisterly company. while meeting with them, you each get made up and dressed, before
going to a club where they have been before.

Once You join a group like this, monthly meetings or more often You can meet with one or more of them and go to other
clubs or shopping or movies or out to dinner together.

This will create a wonderful release of Your feminine self. Then You will be able to express your desire and need to other
women who are close to You.

Frannie

[Jess Marie]

ugh. I want my own place because I envy you. I would love to dress in a mini skirt with some pantyhose and lounge around the house. I am stuck in guy mode all the time, except when I am sleeping, where I throw a bra on, but other than that guy mode and panties under. You have to accept who you are because you cannot afford to keep purging. It gets expensive because I purged once. MISTAKE! I think I hate myself more after purging than I ever did for dressing. Just look at yourself in the mirror when you are dressed, take a long look at the woman standing in front of you, and embrace her as you.

[Gocaps14]

I believe I am going through the same kind of thing, cominfg out to my wife months ago and then retracting it last week, each time believing I was being honest with both myself and my wife. Sometimes, I wish I didn't have the feelings I have other times really embracing and enjoying my feminine side. I say this a lot in my posts, maybe just to remind myself, I have chosen to place my family first, crossdressing second, and I conduct myself accordingly. I express myself here and occaisionally, I can underdress and very rarely, I can slip into something of my wifes. Not neccessarily ideal but its what works for my life.

[Karren H]

After years of torment.... I accepted myself for who I am and what I like... I know its really tough. But if you try real hard..... I'll bet you can take that denim skirt and throw it in the trash!! Once and for ever!!! Purging denim is always acceptable imho. Now go buy something soft and preferably pink! :)

[GirlJess]

I have purged twice myself, and gone through a long period of having my 'clothes' in storage. The guilt associated with my desire to dress recently caused me to end a two year relationship with a very loving and supportive GF. I get the sense from your post that you have friends who know? (... and not with any GG friends to help me make the purchase). I would imagine you have used them as a social support network, but if not you should consider that. As the other posters mentioned, I think talking to those close to you about it is key to understanding and accepting it, and I think that is far more healthy and sustainable than trying to repress the urges.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Put me on that yard sale list dear....definitely if you have a Virginia Tech cheerleader outfit!


Em

[Ericka2]

"Purging" myself is what I used to do best, my recommendation? Accept yourself about your persona, and move on where and with whom you think will be accepting of yourself either as male or female. I stoped purging myself when I got divorced and accepted the fact that I have two different people living in one and fund an accepting wife, I have saved lots of money by stop purging myself but now cannot get enough of shopping..lol.

Love,Ericka

[Tina B.]

Oh to be so young, I remember all those guilty feelings, and purges. Hopefully with time you will learn to accept yourself, Most of us older crossdresser's have gone thought it too. But some where after I turned 32, I started to accept the fact that this is just who I am, and I didn't turn out this way to hurt anybody, I'm just trying to get through life finding just a little peace of mind, and happiness, and I try not to find it at others expense, but I see no reason that I should live an unhappy life, just because I have a need to express my feminine side. I didn't ask to be red headed, left handed, or transgender, why do I only need to ask for forgiveness, for being trans? You are not a bad person because you dress, it's just who you are, but you are the one that has to learn to live with it.
Tina B.

[Billie Jean]

I have purged more than once and it was starting to get real expensive. I get lots of cute clothes and shoes at GoodWill and the cashiers have never made any comments of the derogatory kind. Billie Jean

[DebsUK]

I never get the self loathing thing and don't purge, but I do get to the stage when a few things go on and I start thinking that CDing makes things a whole lot more complicated than it needs to be and kind of put it on the back burner and lose interest for a time. Sodding annying and I hope it doesn't happen this time around. I like presenting as female, it's so liberating

[danielle_from_cal]

I must have purged about twenty times, until about three years ago. Now when I feel like purging, I just hide my things away and fight off the "urge to purge". Then after a few months (or whatever) I get everything out of my hiding spot and it's Danielle time! I usually get some new eyeliner and mascara (because that cannot sit around all that long without causing eye problems), but otherwise I am ready to go.

My advice is to never purge unless you cannot find a hiding spot for your things. If, after a year or two, you still want to purge, then do it. But I will bet you will be glad that you kept your things.

[Fab Karen]

Listen to the witch:
SURRENDER Dorothy

[Rachel Morley]

So who here deals with this same issue, what have you chosen to do about it?Who else deals with a purging issue? OMG ....tell me about it. I wouldn't mind betting you that the majority of CDers have, at one time or another, gone through the purging stage. I think it happens when we are not quite there yet in regards to our self acceptance and we're still allowing that toxic "guys are not supposed to be doing this, least of all liking it" type of thougts to overtake us.

What do we do about it? That's a tough one. In my case I got involved with a GG (who is now my wife) who initially thought it was fun and harmless (providing I don't want to transition) ... then that changed everything as it was all about self expression and the only person's thoughts and feelings I truly cared about was ok with it. I don't know your situation at home but somehow you have to get to that either: "I don't care less" .. or "life's too short" .. or "I accept how I am" .. type mode before you don't want to purge any more. :2c:

[Stephenie S]

There is NO doubt what so ever that purging doesn't work. NONE. Purge away. Do what you must. But know this: YOU WILL BE BACK. It's just a fact, dear. Every CD has done this. Well, at least 99.9% of CDers. So pack your stuff away. Sell it on the forum. But don't trash it all. You will want it back again some day. Guaranteed.

[Janine cd]

Katrina, I know what you are going through. I am a senior crossdresser who has experienced the same doubts as you have. I have purged my wardrobe at least half a dozen times and have thrown away thousands of dollars worth of beautiful feminine attire. I married, thinking that loving a woman would end my desire to crossdress. that was not to be. I soon discovered that wearing femme clothes was really a desire to be a woman as possibly as it could be without transitioning. I struck a balance, pretending to be a male caregiver while secretly desiring to be a woman. After 47 years of pretending, the desire to be a total woman still persists. God bless you. I hope you find the way to peace.

[Lucy_Bella]

Not much you can do but get dressed buckle up and enjoy the ride!! I have gone through many purges myself ,the time to build up the courage to buy all that stuff just to let it hit the dumpster not to mention the cost.. We all learn as we go but I have found the best way to learn is to just do it....
I have been a life time dresser , not full, I didn't start dressing complete until 4 years back..Since then there has been no looking back for me, .. I have to admit , that when dressed I love it!! I feel complete and at ease ,like a ton of stress has been removed from me.. I do not feel any quilt until I am back in male mode, I feel quilty because of the time it takes away from my family, I am not out nor will I ever be OUT to my family if I can help it.. So I am very private about my activities so when dressed I wish sometimes they didn't live with me ..Thats awful I love my kids and I want them here , but the urge is so powerful I get quilt..

I will say I have gone very far in my dressing , further than I could imagine and have only a short time ago had only dreamed I could have gone..I have no major regrets as of yet other than wishing I explored this harder when I was 20 years younger.. But we have to play the cards that have been dealt to us and I have no regrets in waiting either .. Had my wife not been such a cheating B#tch I'd never would have ventured out this far..

[Chastitycd]

I personally have never purged. I am trying to learn to live my life to the fullest. Im so scared im gonna be 60 years old one day and wake up one morning and regret that Ive wasted my life and wished I would have done this or that. So I just turned 30 and im trying to learn to live this way. Its good to hear that you put your family first, but ill be the devils advocate and say this, dont put everything before being you all the time. Otherwise youre gonna hate yourself eventually. You have to have some you time. And in my opinion if your wife or SO whichever be the case TRULLY loves you there shouldnt be a problem. how you do this however is up to you. Just remember you only get 1 life. I would hate to think I lived mine and dies by other peoples standards. My 2 cents...

[Roberta Marie]

Katrina,

For me, it was a cycle that lasted well over 40 years. It was not until I first started to understand that there is nothing wrong with who I am that I was able to break that cycle. I am transgendered, in the broad sense. Part of who I am is feminine. Just like part of who I am has brown (although now thinning) hair, part of me has brown eyes, part of me is right handed, part of me loves my wife, part of me likes chocolate, and part of me hates coffee. All of these parts, and many more, are what make me, well, me. This is the way that I was created. I believe that I was created this way, and that there is no sin in being who I am. Coming to that understanding, to that realization, was the first step.

You have no reason to feel guilty for being who you are. You have no reason to feel shame for who you are. It is those that cannot see past our clothes, those that cannot see that we are not evil people for being who we are, those that cannot see that an african-american is not evil for the color of his skin, or those that cannot see that an asian is not evil for the shape of their eyes, it is those people who cannot get past their own prejudices to see us for who we are that should be feeling the shame and guilt.

It was not until I could purge the shame and the guilt that I was able to break the cycle of feeling the shame and guilt and trying to purge who I was. Purging is good, as long as we purge the right things. Purge the guilt. Purge the shame.

[Frédérique]

So for awhile I've been cross dressing. I absolutely love it and hate myself for loving it. It's such a taboo topic of society and something almost no one can accept. These sociological views have then trained me to hate myself for doing it.

Then you should never have allowed yourself to be “trained” in this manner. If you hate yourself for crossdressing you only have yourself to blame. Really, I wouldn’t waste any time worrying about what is “right” and what is “wrong.” It’s OK to crossdress, OK? You have the right to hate yourself for crossdressing, but why not do the opposite?


So who here deals with this same issue, what have you chosen to do about it? Obviously not stop CD'ing, because otherwise you wouldn't be reading this, right? lol What do you all recommend I do about my "conundrum"?

If I were you I would continue to crossdress and be happy. As far as I’m concerned, there is no conundrum…:hmph:

[Katrina82]

I love cheerleader uniforms too. :) Unfortunately though, I don't own any yet, because finding a set with right size bottom and top is difficult, and the prices are often high... SO, next time you feel the need to purge, don't throw them away, sell them, lol :) I love the pleated skirts with long sleeve tops, like in your avatar <3

You think I got that outfit in my avatar all in one purchase than you're crazy! lol. I had to buy like 4 auctions to get that. The shell, skirt, bloomers and leotard all were different auctions.

[Katrina82]

Then you should never have allowed yourself to be “trained” in this manner....

That's like saying you should not let yourself be trained to think killing is wrong. Part of being a human being is getting our morals and values from heavy influences from society.

[Katrina82]

Gosh, so many great and well thought out answers. Thank you everyone so much. This is truly a great forum!:thumbsup:

I was thinking today..."Just accept it...it's who you are". That basically sums up the majority of what most said here. So I started thinking a lot about that. Does it mean I am a part time cross dresser? What does that mean?

I like to wear woman's clothes because it feels good to look like a woman. When I do cd and look down at myself, I see a woman. Yes, I wish I was a woman and could be one. I guess that makes me a little transgender...but at 28 I think it's too late to make a change that would make me completely passable. Aside from that I'd loose my gf, whom I want to marry, and most of my family. That'd devastate me!

So I'm stuck cd'ing. I sometimes wonder if it's nothing more than a fetish. But when I do CD, just like others here say, it makes me feel peaceful and relaxed. I look forward to it at the end of the day. I get to shrug off my heavy, construction worker(just imagine if the macho guys at work knew...ha!), male body and put on my frail and gentle feminine form. It's then when I really feel relaxed.

So that is who I am... a dude that likes to pretend to be a lady by wearing their clothes because he could never truly be a woman. Better than nothing I guess. I suppose you all are right. I will always feel like this, I need to accept it, move on, enjoy life and find some cd friends and an most importantly an outlet that allows me to be girly in public.

Perhaps it's time I get a good wig, makeup and some fashionable clothes and go to a bar. I hear T-girl Tuesdays at Hamburger Mary's is pretty good. :)

[Phoebe P.]

I LOVE THIS!!! Chastity you are a goddess!!!

I personally have never purged. I am trying to learn to live my life to the fullest. Im so scared im gonna be 60 years old one day and wake up one morning and regret that Ive wasted my life and wished I would have done this or that. So I just turned 30 and im trying to learn to live this way. Its good to hear that you put your family first, but ill be the devils advocate and say this, dont put everything before being you all the time. Otherwise youre gonna hate yourself eventually. You have to have some you time. And in my opinion if your wife or SO whichever be the case TRULLY loves you there shouldnt be a problem. how you do this however is up to you. Just remember you only get 1 life. I would hate to think I lived mine and dies by other peoples standards. My 2 cents...

[Lucy_Bella]

Katrina,
You will figure out what works best for you , in my case I perfer more freedom but I place family value a head ,, This also keeps me in check ,it tames the never satisfied beast ...But more than any of that..It's who I really am and thats hard to change, I know I do not want to live 24/7 as a women ,that would become boring, dressing for me above all is an escape..
It's taken me a long time to accept it ( not 100%) adjust my life to fit it in and become a better person by doing so.. Don't get me wrong I still have issue about the urges but I keep myself at a happy medium..