the struggle for self acceptance

[Simply_Vanessa]

Hi, everyone. maybe a few of you might remember me from my active posts in the past. I purged hardcore since October. Threw out over $400 worth of things. Deleted all my online personas. and found myself a gym membership...only to eventually find my way to the hospital complaining of extreme anxiety months later.

that was the breaking point for me. trying to deny myself has gotta to the point where it was literally hurting me. I decided finally to be selfish, and stop hiding so much.

so now i'm free to walk with my hips swaying everywhere, having people question my gender just from my mannerisms. and ill tell you..my anxiety is gone. feels like worlds of paranoia are lifted off of me just from being able to walk and talk without a macho filter.

but back to reality..all my friends are straight college bros. im a bisexual closeted cder. I would be terrified of looking them in the eye if I ever told them about my experiences. but the anxiety of keeping vanessa inside is almost too unbearable for me to go back to. yet, I still cant accept myself enough to come out, even though I now accept myself enough to NEVER do something as stupid as purge again.


so my dilemma for you: either, how do I accept accept myself as a bisexual cder...or, how can I learn to balance both sides without the stress and paranoia of being discovered :/ Obviously, I'd rather accept what is already there so I can live a life of no secrets..

[Joanne f]

Well you can if you want to hide your cross dressing and still be active with it , but if you want to be active with your Bi side then you will have to be discovered by at least two people , one being male and the other being female and just remember the ones who you do come out to may have the same paranoia of being discovered so i would not worry to much about that .

[AllieSF]

Hi Vanessa. I believe that you are in the perfect location to deal with your issues in a supportive way. You are in a university atmosphere with a lot of young and searching minds. Yes, some may not approve or "get" what you are doing and who you are. However, if there is anyplace to come out and be yourself, to me it would be where you are now. I think that you would be very surprised by the amount of acceptance, not just tolerance, that you will receive. In addition, and until the state cuts the funding for those services, you should have some access to counseling to help you with your issues for free. Many universities have an on-campus LGBT support group. I recommend you go to the university" health services and ask them for help and recommendations. They are there for you and will treat you respectfully. I think that what will come out of that and any counseling will be the realization that you have every right to be you, however you are. With that knowledge you will be better able to accept yourself and gain the confidence to then be yourself. With that knowledge, self acceptance and confidence, most of your other issues will go away. It is so much better to come out at your age than to suffer and struggle with trying to keep it hidden away inside you for the rest of your life. Good luck and go for it.

[cordgrass]

make new friends :)

[the_me]

so my dilemma for you: either, how do I accept accept myself as a bisexual cder...or, how can I learn to balance both sides without the stress and paranoia of being discovered :/ Obviously, I'd rather accept what is already there so I can live a life of no secrets..

I almost cried reading your post... That is the exact same question I have had for a while now, and have even tried to remedy and it may have backfired... That much will be seen soon.

Decided to tell a younger GG friend that I consider a good friend, and my best GM friend I've known since grade 3. Told both in confidence, seperately, about my dressing and bisexuality. My GM best friend had some mixed oppinions, thought I was joking at first but my (never seen by him before) smooth legs/arms were enough to convince him otherwise.

About two months go by, GG friend and I talking a lot about it in that time, GM friend occasionally mentioning it and acting like nothing ever happened. Found out a week ago my GG friend went behind my back when she admitted to talking to my GM friend who I never once mentioned knew, when I told her specifically to keep it between us. GM friend mentioned while we were drinking, drunk even, on sunday how he really felt, how he didn't want to ever see me dressed and that he isn't too enthusiastic about giving support. "Best" part of that night was they were both in the room, and some other friends playing playstation in the adjoining room! Although the 3 of us were speaking in vague terms about it all, there is no way the other two didn't figure something's wrong... I left shortly after that little conversation, dissapointed and furious at them, and somewhat at myself for missplacing my trust in the two I told.

All week it's been a cycle of rage, depression, and anxiety... Reading your post here and knowing there are others I can relate with is both comforting and bringing all those emotions flooding back... and now I'm babbling.

I hope if you figure anything out you will share the secret, although I'm tempted to just go with what cordgrass suggests at this point, no matter how much I want to avoid that.

[kristinacd55]

Accept it Vanessa it's who you are......and definitely get new friends. Got a support group in your area?

[Nick2Nikki]

Who says you necessarily need all new friends? You never really know what secrets a person is hiding. My friend never told me about his crossdressing because he thought I'd just make fun of him. now here we are, and we've gone on several crossdressing outings together. Giving up on your friends before you give then a real chance to accept the "new" you is probably a worse form of stereotyping than if they found out about you and decided that you weren't their friend anymore because you're a "fag" or something along those lines.

[Simply_Vanessa]

Hi Vanessa. I believe that you are in the perfect location to deal with your issues in a supportive way. You are in a university atmosphere with a lot of young and searching minds. Yes, some may not approve or "get" what you are doing and who you are. However, if there is anyplace to come out and be yourself, to me it would be where you are now. I think that you would be very surprised by the amount of acceptance, not just tolerance, that you will receive. In addition, and until the state cuts the funding for those services, you should have some access to counseling to help you with your issues for free. Many universities have an on-campus LGBT support group. I recommend you go to the university" health services and ask them for help and recommendations. They are there for you and will treat you respectfully. I think that what will come out of that and any counseling will be the realization that you have every right to be you, however you are. With that knowledge you will be better able to accept yourself and gain the confidence to then be yourself. With that knowledge, self acceptance and confidence, most of your other issues will go away. It is so much better to come out at your age than to suffer and struggle with trying to keep it hidden away inside you for the rest of your life. Good luck and go for it.

Yes, my university is actually extremely liberal when it comes to LGBT issues. And I have just started therapy, actually....Im just terrified of losing some very old friends I have. they may be nothing but straight, but theyve been nothing but bros to me so far. Its a shame that just being me will cause some of them to forget about me. (like my fraternity friends)


Who says you necessarily need all new friends? You never really know what secrets a person is hiding. My friend never told me about his crossdressing because he thought I'd just make fun of him. now here we are, and we've gone on several crossdressing outings together. Giving up on your friends before you give then a real chance to accept the "new" you is probably a worse form of stereotyping than if they found out about you and decided that you weren't their friend anymore because you're a "fag" or something along those lines.

I guess I do a sense of self inflicted shame for this hidden life. Even if they were cool with it, it would be hard for ME to hangout with them, because I would feel like I bring nothing but shame..

As you can tell, I really need to learn to accept myself...but I know it will come in time.

thank you for your insight, everyone.

[Sophie86]

make new friends :)

Bingo! That's exactly what I was going to say. If the people who are your friends now won't like you after you come out, then you need to find people who will. Take Allie's advice and start by looking for a support group. Don't limit yourself to just that tiny group, though, because you will find that there are many people outside that circle who will accept and befriend you.

[PetiteTonya]

The road to self acceptance is, for many definitely not smoothly paved and easily travelled. I think many of us struggle, or have struggled with fear, self loathing, shame and guilt.

Sometimes being TG'd can feel quite overwhelming I think. Being a good PERSON. Finding good in others and remaining true to one's values in terms of how one treat others can help. It has helped me and it continues to sustain me.

[Simply_Vanessa]

I barely turned 21 like 3 weeks ago, so naturally I want to go hit up a bar :) So i've found a group in socal that is associated with one of the tg clubs down here...i'll be going out as soon as I get the money I need to unpurge my entire makeup kit ($128)

so yes...I am on my way to finding new friends who can accept me. its one step of many, but im glad to be back on these forums where i'll always have guidance :)