simply my story

[_Kira_]

Hi everybody!
Probably I'm not extraordinary on this forum..anyways all people 're unique..
Why I 'm typping it now?I don't know..Mb it's my nature and such as most of us I'm actress inside my mind and I need a spectator or simply people who can listen.
Mb It's only my inner loneliness.. I really can understand it..

What 's aim of that story? First I want tell my story
at least whomever. Cause it's secret that can destruct my career, career of my farther, I'm sure that I lost my friends and all that surround me. And I cann't tell it anybody in reallife. Because Russia exclude any cities has bad
attitudes to LGBT. Another cause I 'm looking for mb advice mb hep mb for friend..
At the beginning I think I should be introduce myself..I think I'm TS,
but nowadays only in my mind..I often compare myself with Fiona from Shrek, mb it sounds funny for someone but not for me.
My name 's Kira..I live in Far East of Russia. I'm 25 years old IT(image of rather success man 's my social mask) from tusk till down.
And from night till early morning I can be myself..
Why do I chose this name? when I was a six years old I listened it..It sounded very unusual..And I choose it..When did I feel that I'm a girl? It happened..mmmm..I felt girl inside my mind when mind appeared in my child head :) Most time I ought to think like a "man"( when I 'm at work and etc) and it's sometime very hard or impossible for me..but intuition sometimes helps me..
I can tell a lot of funny and sad situations about me..but I think it's for private conversation.. keyboard-to-keyboard :) Mb this life would be
bearable for me..but year or mb a little less I understand that I have not time for my dream(you certainly know which dream) ...and I understood that I want it as soon as can..cause life is too short..but I don't want harm my parents..and I decided to leave my country..and I started to find max tollerant society..in the end I choose Australia..
now I prepare for IELTS and prepare papers for it spec recognition..but I 'm afraid that I haven't chances.. I 'll plan to take IELTS in april..
by the way somethink stranger..I'm dark haired but I want have long autumn hair..
I want to type greatly more but 4.00 a.m. and I must sleep at least two hours..because tommorow (heh today) my new day in the shell :(((
Sincerelly yours, Kira

PS. time is ticking away..day by day.. :(

[Kittie]

I can offer no advice because I do not know how things work in Russia, but you are only 25, there is still plenty of time for you to seek the help you may need and discover who you really are, this site is a safe place for you to explore and express things and from what I have seen everyone here is non-judgemental and willing to give any help they can. :)

Welcome to the forum Kira. <3

[Zenith]

I am not sure what you are saying, but thought I would share an anecdote. I transitioned while working in a university lab. One of my lab mates was a woman named Lesya from the Ukraine. She told me about a transgendered girl in the small town where she grew up. People there talked about her, but they were not mean. When I started coming to work as Julie she gave me many compliments, and when I met her husband Yuri, she told me that he kept saying that I seemed like a very nice and pretty girl. Much prettier than he thought I would be. :) So I can tell you in my experience, people from Russia may be curious but not mean or cruel.

I even got a Christmas gift from her last year... :)

[_Kira_]

Mb..mb.. All people are diffirent..and russians too..but I think It's rare situation..in general our society (russian society) reject TS..and their relatives too..

hearsay and gossip do their lifes rather hard:( also I know an example..when I was near 17-18 yo I didn't remember accuracy..it seems that it was on 1st course.. I heared about one..she was last-course student.. most of her university classmates taunt she..she ought to leave city.. anyways all depends from point of view..I didn't tell that russians ' mean and cruel..most part 's pretty good..but they have a lot of stereotypes..
I'm sure that for my dream I must go as far as can mb it sounds stupid :( but it's reality .. another trouble I don't want then my parents know about..they also 're conservative.
but I hope all 'll get ok :)
Do you listen "fast car" song by Tracy Chapman? it became song -in-head :)

[_Kira_]

I can offer no advice because I do not know how things work in Russia, but you are only 25, there is still plenty of time for you to seek the help you may need and discover who you really are, this site is a safe place for you to explore and express things and from what I have seen everyone here is non-judgemental and willing to give any help they can. :)

Welcome to the forum Kira. <3 thx a lot! :) also I promise to help forum inhabitants and support team cause I'm webdesigner and php-programmer too :)

[_Kira_]

can made for example it http://kirant.99k.org :)

[Louistoalana]

Hi Kira,

I study Russian, I'd love to chat some time :)

[_Kira_]

it's pretty nice! by the way I prepare for ielts..we can exchange practice in both languages :) I 'll glad help you to study russian.

[Louistoalana]

Ok sounds good :) Давай говорим по-русский!

[_Kira_]

давай:) ты можешь написать мне в скайп

[_Kira_]

you can write me by skype :) it 'll faster than phorum..

[Louistoalana]

OK I'll add you are you on now?

[_Kira_]

certainly, also I have icq account

[_Kira_]

... I don't understand...WHY!!!! I tryed to chat with anybody in chat..and all who chat to me (men or a few women) haven't any problem for all chat till they consider that I'm a usual girl..but when know who I'm they have deleted me just..WHY THEY SO INTOLERANT??? .. but..in other hands they wanna any sex pic and etc..they consider that i'm $$t? but I only want to find person who can understand me


!!! anybody correct my grammar please. I'm ignoramus.. :)

The one day.

The preface: It's a really crazy world.
Where somebody don't appreciate their essence(nature)..
and others that dream to get it for all their life..

Our life is rather wonderful thing. Sometime it's like water surface of calm lake.. Sometime it's like like a stormy ocean..Sometime it turn into pieces..sometime it allows us to pick it and
to build it part by part..
As common It was a cold day.. It's always here..It was snow..the sun was a small dot in the grey sky.. and only small slanting beam of light fighted with darkness in the room..this shaft of light seemed ray of hope..curtains had tryed to stop it but it found small chink..the light touched her cheek and slid to her nose...it seemed that it gamed with she..suddenly all changed and calm room turned to the hardrock concert..as usuall it was the alarm-clock on her mobile..Although She hates hardrock music..but It 's only one way to get up after sleepless night..her left hand decided to stop it madness..it had began to find a phone and unexpecdetly it stopped.. The mind returned control over her body. She had been wrestling with oneself during three of four minutes but it feeled to she that eternity passed..7.45 am.. «Oh! It's relentless time» she thought. And she fallen to the sleep again..certainly it elapsed two minutes and she got up again.. «I need to wash» sad She to herself. Remains of yesterday's «make up» made her pillow dirty. But It couldn't upset her. She smiled sadly.. «Black trace on the cotton, it can be only one proof that I am» her mind sad. She dressed almost instantly. 8.00 am.. she had wanted to drink a cup of coffee, but time passed with awfull speed and she haven't enough time..Firstly She had decided to take her small car, but she was afraid to drive..and as always she changed one's mind..She was waiting the bus a few minutes at the bus station..Small red bus ( by the way that 's called «Ladybird» here ) stopped.. it passed a little more than half an hour and she arrived at work. She has small but very cozy private.. Her work day began as common with great deal of small troubles..All programmers can sad something same about their work. We must solve any problem anytime and anywhere. It 's mind of that job. Some stupid events was happening for all day. And all this time she was trying to fight with her mind. She tryed not think about things surrounded her, because when she saw any woman..it brings pain to her feelings..She felt something like touch to naked wire..and under the calm shell nobody could see tired soul. When she closed her eyes she imagined that her long autumn hairs cared her shoulders..she tryed each dress that she saw during the day..but every sound turned she to reality.
And she didn't know how much times this endless day could hurt her..All surrounds transformed to haze..
Late evening she awaken and
understood that she was at home..She turned off her pc and appeared again in matrix world..she always called web so..In that world she can be all that she want..any time she was a princess..anytime she turned to witch all depended from your current feelings..and it helped her be a little more alive..she imagined that 's it's real her ppearence..she tryed to find someone in www..but she was needed for nobody..somebody take she such as girl..somebody as her male shell..but nobody could try to understand and admit her as she is..Sometimes she cryed..sometimes she felt hope..4.00 am. « It's awfull relentless time» she thought. And her mind fallen to the sleep again..one's place where she felt herself happy..