I finally told my wife

[cassandra.932]

I have been cross dressing since my teens off and on. After I got married Cassandra re-emerge again and I was caught twice by my wife and forced to purge. After the last round which was about 2 years ago. A few months after that Cassandra emerge again till now.

Since joining this forum, I knew I had to tell her. I was just gathering more facts and understanding so that I can answer whatever questions that may be asked.

Crunch Time

Before we slept last night, she started asking me why I liked women's clothing and am I turning into a gay. I told her no and that is a misconception.

Then she asked me whether I still does it. Naturally for me, living a live in a lie is very difficult and emotionally draining. So I said "Yes, I could not stop". Then she said "I could not accept a husband who wears my type of clothes no matter what". I had to chose between family or Cassandra.

Then I sincerely appologize to her. I did not tell here before we married is because, at that time I tought Cassandra was gone for good. I did try over the past few years to get rid of Cassandra, but could not stop her from coming back.

We did not talk since then. I think she needs the time to get over the shock. :eek: The response I get so far was actually better than expected.:) I would not know whether I will get a severe delayed backlash latter. All I could do is hope for the best and expect the worst.

As for Cassandra, she would have to hibernate for the moment:sad:.

Any views, comments and advice especially from those who have been through similar situation would be most welcomed :). I need your emotional support.

[Cynthia Anne]

It sounds as though she is going to stay non excepting! I think it's time to be totally honest! Let her know that this started a long time ago! Perhaps you both need to seek counceling together! I wish the best the best for you! Hugs!

[Stephanie Miller]

Your in a very tough place. If you let her "think" about it without giving her, or her finding on her own ( very unlikely,) proper information on crossdressing - she will only reinforce her thought pattern that crossdressing is wrong. If she had better information on it already she may not have the thoughts she does already.
With that said.. the only real way she is going to get proper information is by you giving it to her - which in it's own right may be taken as you pushing instead of giving her the space she thinks she needs.
You know her best. Good luck.

There is a very good section on this site that maybe you could print off and leave on the coffee table for her to look at? It might at least start a conversation.

[Natalie Wood]

I don't even know what to say. I just read this to my wife sitting next to me. Her first words were "People are so mean and care only about themselves." It made me think. Why would your wife make such an ultimatum? I guess I am speechless and sad that an SO would do that to their loved one. That seems very unfair. But I guess that is reality for many people. I know you are not alone.
I wish you the best. I hope that someday she can grow as a person and accept you for who you are. I am sorry, but to me it just seems a little shallow to judge someone on the clothes that they wear.

[Presh GG]

First off, I'm sorry for what you are going thru.

Now, IMO, Please take your wifes hand, tell her you love her but... You were Born Transgender... It is not something you can stop being.
Tell her the truth, as much as you know about yourself, you will never stop loveing her and this is not a choice, it is who you are.

Then,..LISTEN..., hear what she needs from you and find a way to meet somewhere in between where you can both be happy.

This will not come overnight, but If you [ and she ] are honest with one another , you have a good chance of getting there.

Cassandra, how long have you been married? your age ? Any children?

I wish you the best,
Presh GG

Ahh come on Natalie, there is an awful lot more to this than "just clothing "

[Jenniferathome]

I am sorry it did not go well for you. I just had the best CD day of my life in telling my wife. Stay honest and let her set the boundaries. She may come to the point of toleration.

[Haley Heather]

I don't know what to say other than I wish I could give you a hug :(

[cassandra.932]

First off, I'm sorry for what you are going thru.

Now, IMO, Please take your wifes hand, tell her you love her but... You were Born Transgender... It is not something you can stop being.
Tell her the truth, as much as you know about yourself, you will never stop loveing her and this is not a choice, it is who you are.

Then,..LISTEN..., hear what she needs from you and find a way to meet somewhere in between where you can both be happy.

This will not come overnight, but If you [ and she ] are honest with one another , you have a good chance of getting there.

Cassandra, how long have you been married? your age ? Any children?

I wish you the best,
Presh GG

Ahh come on Natalie, there is an awful lot more to this than "just clothing "

Presh,

I am married for 17 years with 2 teenage daughters.

[Eryn]

All I can advise is to keep talking to her. Silence will only let the misconceptions and doubts grow. Talk about your love first and reassure her that it isn't changing.

[cassandra.932]

Hi all,

Thanks for your support. I would take all your advice applicable to me.

[Phoebe P.]

Hey Cassandra! My wife and I don't have kids, but we've known each other since high school. It sounds like your coming out was much like mine. I've been dressing nightly for nearly 2 months and the only time she is angry is when I get in to her makeup! XOXO!!!

[Alice B]

When I came out to my wife I first researched the net (not knowing about this site) and found all the articles and research papers I could find on the subject. I then printed them out and highlighted all the sections that discussed who and what I was. I gave them to my wife to read after first letting her know that I was not at all gay, loved only her and am no different than I had always been, other than the fact I enjoyed dressing. Once she had had time to read and digest the material we sat down and had a honest talk. We established rules as to when I could and could not dress. Since then (3-4 Years ago) she has given me more and more room to explore my female side. Always being sure to reinforce my love for her.'

'You are in a tough spot and keeping the lines open to talk is vital. This has worked for many members on this site, but not all. Some have been forced into the ultimate decision. I hope that is not your case. Good luck.

[Phoebe P.]

Which I did tonight...

[KristyPa]

Cassandra,
I always thought I would grow out of it and I never have. That's why we don't tell anyone upfront. I've recently came to the conclussion I won't, I'm close to 50 years old.Time creeps up on us I guess.
I have read on this site some of the people pounding other's saying, "you should have been honest and told her upfront".
Going back to the thought of growing out of it. I really never thought at my age I would still be doing this. I remember when I was in my teens thinking to myself, I won't be doing this when I'm eighteen.
So why would I go thru the hassle of telling someone about something so embarrassing when you thought you would grow out of it, my gosh I still don't have a clue why I still do.
I know this for a fact. If I told my girlfriend, she would tell everyone we know, I couldn't in any way deal with that. So don't feel guilty for not telling her.
You may want to think about showing her some of the articles on this site, even though if I showed my girlfrind this site she would think I was even more weird.
I completely understand your wife not understanding this behavior in any way, I don't understand it myself.

[GG Kathy]

Cassandra talk to her let her see this site and maybe do some research. She may come to understand but then she may not just keep reminding her how much you love her.

[Jeannie]

I always feel saddened when a marriage or relationship starts falling apart because of this thing we do. I do agree that the more information that is presented the better it is, however when someone is unwilling to accept the spirit of which it is offered the more difficult it is for that information to do what it is intended to do. Getting someone to accept something that is completely out of their vision of what is the norm is most difficult in any situation. All I can do for you is to hope that it works for you in the way you want it to and that your wife will value you as the person you have been for the last 17 years and that she understands that you are still the loving husband and father that you always were, except now you can understand her view point a little better and you want to still be there for her and maybe you are more willing to watch a movie that she likes or maybe you would like to go shopping with her and Cassandra is willing to tell her that that dress makes her butt look to big try this one instead. I wish good luck and hope this all works out for you. Oh and maybe you could get her to visit this site and show her what is going on in the world and that you just didn't make this all up by yourself.

Sincerely,

Jeannie

[Angie G]

My wife accepts my dressing out of love. She knows I'm not gay. I only dress at home 5 DAYS A WEEK. The other two days the weekend she gets her husband.She just doesn't want it in our bed.Hope things work out for you Cassandra.:hugs:
Angie

[Alicia Ryanne]

I went thru this very thing a fwe months ago. My wife's initial reaction was that I violated her trust by not telling her sooner adn she was half ready to walk out the door. The problem is, you have to come to terms with it yourself before you can tell your SO and many wives simply can't get past the fact that something was hid from them. In my case, my wife loved me enough to want to read at least something on the matter so i bought a few books on Amazon.
Re-assure her that you love her no matter what. Give her some time, maybe get a book or two like "My Husband Betty" and let her read it. She may feel more at ease with a better description of who you are from a third party(book) and be able to relate to the author as well as the people mentioned in the book. Ask her if she'd be willing to read a book or some material on the matter.
If shes really adoment about not even wanting to talk about this, then your in for a very hard time. However, if you can give her time now that she knows, maybe you can talk to her about it some time down the road.

[DebsUK]

Hi Cass. Sorry to hear your wife can't tolerate Cassandra. I think it is more difficult to compare your situatioin in a fairly conservative society in Malaysia compared to the more liberal west. How westernised is your wife? Has she visited the west much or mixed with a lot of expats?I think your biggest problem is that she thinks you might be gay since I think I'm right in thinking that crossdressing in SE Asia is more associated with transvestite prostitutes. The only suggestion I can think of right now is to read some of the posts on here about coming out to your wife and maybe printing some off that you think might make sense. Also try getting hold of the film "Just Like a Woman" which is a good, fun and sympathetic account of a heterosexual crossdresser starring Adrian Pasdar, (who also played Nathan Petrelli in Heroes, fact fans) though cinematically it's a crap film

[Christine1954]

Hi Cass, I had a very similar experience to you, my wife being totally against my dressing as Christine. We have been married for 37 years and our children are grown up and have children of their own. My wife found out about my crossdressing many years ago and I supressed the urge to push it as I did not want to lose her. She knows beyond doubt that I only love her and would not do anything to hurt her, similarly this is the same for her. After discussing my needs and desires a few months ago we came to a compromise. The situation has improved as the weeks have passed and she now feels more comfortable with me dressing and will even do my makeup for me when I dress fully. Listen to the advice from all the previous posts and try to inform your SO in any way you can, reassuring her and confirming your devotion to her. Hope thing work out for you both, Christine.

[Anne2345]

Hi Cassandra, and thank you for the warm welcome in the new member's section. I really appreciate it!

As I said in my introduction post the other day, I have a wonderfully supportive and understanding wife. I do not take it for granted, and I recognize that I am quite fortunate. However, as I alluded to in my abbreviated story, my fortune did not happen over night, and it certainly didn't happen by accident. Both my wife and I worked extremely hard to make it work it, and to get to the point where we are now.

As with you, when I first told her, she was angry, confused, and probably disgusted. She asked questions such as whether I was gay, did I want to become a woman, etc. She came close to breaking up with me several times over it (we were dating at the time). CDing was a completely foreign and unknown entity to her. Her preconceived notions were generally negative, and mostly untrue. Probably the biggest hurdle I had to overcome with her (other than being scared out of my mind that I would lose her) was education. Secondary to that, but a very close second, was convincing her that I was the same person she had fallen in love with. Also very high up on the list, and I can't stress this enough, was convincing her that Anne was not a threat to her or her own femininity.

Through education, patience, and hard work (among other things) comes understanding. Luckily for me, after the initial shock, she was more or less patient with me, and gave me the opportunity to present my side of the case. Before I told her though, I prepared thoroughly, and obtained all supportive and educational materials I could find for her. I also invited her to do her own research. We had many, many conversations about it all. It was hard and quite difficult talking about my CDing in that manner, particularly when I had never talked to anyone at all prior to that. But I was completely honest with her on everything, and held nothing back, no matter how silly the question or discussion (it wasn't silly at the time, but you get my point . . .).

Like I said in the other post, I had tried to retire Anne in fear of losing my soon-to-be wife, but as we all know, it just doesn't work that way. And if I didn't tell her, she would figure it out anyways. Regardless, she deserved to know. It took awhile thereafter, but she did come around. In the beginning, she offered me very restricted conditional acceptance. I grabbed it quickly and was thankful. I was more thankful that she chose to stay with me and work on our relationship. By that time, though, she had learned that there is no magic switch a CDer can just turn off.

As our relationship progressed further, we got married. With time, she came to understand that Anne really brings me joy, that I need Anne, and that she is a part of me. She also understands that Anne is not a threat to her, and that I am not some crazed nut. She is my wife, the love of my life, and she knows that.
We try very hard to accommodate each other on our individual needs, and our needs as a couple. As a result, the strict boundaries she initially set in the beginning have all but disappeared over time. Of course there are still reasonable boundaries, and a time and a place, but this is true of all things in life.

Had someone told me that my wife would one day not only fully accept Anne, but also eventually help nurture her and develop her further, I would have thought that person was crazy. I wouldn't even allow myself to dream that it was possible back then. Fortunately, it was possible, and it happened. For me it wasn't easy, it took time and work, and it was quite painful at times, but my wife and I did this as a team, and as a team we have prevailed. But oh how I wish this site had been available to us back then!!!!!!

So hang in there, and get to work! You can do this! You have been married to her for 17 years, and have children together. Nobody knows you as well as she does. You're still that same person, but you're also Cassandra. Just as I am Anne. Good luck, and I hope that there is at least something of value in my two-cents worth here!

[Anne2345]

wow. I didn't realize how long my post was until after I posted it and saw it come up on the screen. sorry if I rambled on and got carried away again!

[AKAMichelle]

Tough spot. But if you don't spill the rest of the story, then you have no hope of her understanding. She only has bits and pieces of the info and that is causing most of the issues. You need to level completely and put all of your cards on the table. It won't be easy and may be worse for a while, but in the end you will have a much better understanding of each other. Now I can't tell you that she will learn to accept you, but she can only accept when you tell her everything. Then and only then will you have any chance of her grasping everything about cd'ing

[ReineD]

Any views, comments and advice especially from those who have been through similar situation would be most welcomed :). I need your emotional support.

I haven't gone through this, but I can give advice. I would not just leave it up in the air for her to bring up at a later time.

Tell her that you love her, you are her husband and you want to continue to be her husband, and you've wished this away just as much as she has, and at times you even convinced yourself that it was never coming back. But you were wrong. Tell her that most people don't understand about the CDing because other CDers are just like you ... terrified of being left by their wives, so they stay in the closet. This is why there is very little known about it. And then ask her if she loves you enough to try to find out more about what it is all about. You can also tell her that you love her enough to not want to force anything on her, but you do ask that she at least learn enough about it to know it is not a sickness or a sin.

You can also tell her about this forum and say that we do have a section for the wives who, just like her, don't know the first thing about it. We don't try to force any beliefs on the wives who join here. We respect wherever anyone is at along their journeys.

[cassandra.932]

Dear friends,

I am very encouraged for the support I am getting from all of you. Thank you so much. I would take whatever advise that is applicable to me.

I managed to re-open communication with her yesterday.

As expected, the second round of backlash came. I got another round of scolding. I was perceived as trying to justify Cassandra by me doing my homework on internet on the topic of CD. Cassandra is not very well received. She could not bring herself to accept Cassandra. I fully understand how she feels as there is a feminine part of me in Cassandra. Put it the other way round, it would be difficult for me to accept a CD husband as well. I feel so sorry for her because I understand her so well. Sometimes I also wonder if I had been fair to her. So I explained to her that I do not do this by choice and it has been proven that it is beyond my control.

I told her, it is a no brainer that I would choose her over Cassandra on her ultimatum to me. But I have no control over Cassandra. She can purge me, but I cannot promise that Cassandra would not appear again sometime in future as it has already happened many times before. If she realy think that CD can be cured, I would want to be cured. I suggested that she get me a therapist who have handled many transgender cases before and I would go for consultation. Well, she said that would not be necessary, as she could help me. Then I asked that she had not even read about the materials I printed for her understanding of CD, how on earth is she going to help me. Well, I pleaded for her again that if she sincerely want to help then at least read about it first. She said she would give me a reply later. OK, I would give her time to think of an answer.

I always view things positively. For this time I can conclude the following:

1. I was not force to purge as happened 2 times before (at the moment). Last 2 rounds instant purging, no questions asked.
2. The backlash I got was rather muted compared to previous times
3. Communication to her is still open. Last time cannot even talk about this topic. Totally wrong and not negotiable.

As it is now, I would give some time and continue to talk. This would be a long drawn issue because I understand her for being a typical conservative Asian woman. Furthermore, society in this part of the world is totally uneducated about CD (which include myself few months back). I can't imagine doing this and just can't explain why I am doing this. Back then, I thought there is something wrong with me.

Once again, I am very happy with the support from all of you caring friends. Thank you so much. I will keep you all posted on my progress.

Cassandra.

[Anne2345]

Based upon the conclusions you stated, it sounds like some definite progress has been made. That she is allowing further communication is great. I cannot bridge the cultural gap, and pretend I know how CDing is perceived there, but most here in the States are totally uneducated about it, too. :( But your point is well taken. Hang in there! As long as communication remains open, hopefully her willingness to address the topic, educate herself, and consider it further will increase, too. Giving it time, as you said you will do, is undoubtedly a wise move. As always, I wish you well!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Cassandra, Theres no easy answer to this one every story has a different
ending all I can say is good luck keep us advised.

Orchid

[Angiemead12]

Cassandra,

First off good work for getting it off your chest. With my partner it took about 8 months for her to getting around with letting me wear panties, the 8 months were loaded with lots of communication between each other, I had bought 4 books, researched internet topics, read forums and was prepared to answer all questions thrown at me with honesty.

Now I understand what your wife is going through, 17 years is a long time, she feels deceived and lied too obviously. But if she wants to save the relationship then she has to understand this side of you is not a phase, its there for good. But remember she fell in love with a man not a woman. This is testing her woman hood, she may have questions go through her mind like is she not woman enough for you, or your going gay, and you will leave her for another man. If your communication skills are good then you will manage to hear between the lines and translate the worries she has with this.

My partner is worried that people will think she is a beard in the relationship and Im the real woman and that she is only with me for security, society is tough on people who are different.

Give her time but dont deny your feelings, but also dont impose cassandra on her and expect her to accept it right away. If the relationship is strong then you will both find a middle ground that you can agree too as any good relationship is give and take.

Keep us posted on your status.

[susan2010]

Similar to my story. Now I'm living alone, soon to divorce. Even though she knew I dressed before we married, I minimized how much I had done it and still needed to dress. Almost 20 years of marriage gone.

[linda allen]

This may sound harsh and unsupportive but I don't mean it to be so please think about it:

You can stop dressing. Like smoking cigarettes or drinking alcohol, it is something that you do and something that you have control over. If you don't have any women's clothes and don't buy any, you will not get up in the morning and put them on. Same for wigs, makeup, etc.

I'm not saying that it is easy, but you can do it if you really want to.

Is this the best solution for you? Maybe, maybe not. If your wife demands that you give up dressing to keep the marriage together, you may resent her for doing this and the marriage will not be pleasant.

I hope she will come around to your point of view and accept your dressing, at least on a limited basis. Best wishes.

[Presh GG]

Oh , I don't recommend quiting [ I'm a gg wife of 35+ years ]

For those of you who've read this, skip to the next post

Many years ago when we got together it was the "anything goes 60's mentality" THEN after marrage we moved to what was going to be our home for the next 34 years and I wanted to be friends with our new neighbors, so I did the usual female flip.[ I'm not proud of this ]
Anyhow, without a word to me , my dear husband decided to quit. .. for 2 years, God it was awful, He became a differant person, mean to me , mean to our amimals and going thru a silent hell.

I had no idea why but now I know it is not something you want to put yourself or your loved ones thru.

You are who you are.
One more point I think Reine brought up, Don't make your life together a don't ask don't tell relationship, that's no way to live for either of you.
It's up to you to talk to her, outside of a therapist , you're it.

Presh

[GG Kathy]

It sounds like she's willing to listen and that's a start. Remember keep telling her how much you love her. As some others have said maybe set some boundaries. Please keep us updated.

[cassandra.932]

Dear sisters and friends,

With your caring support I feel very obliged to provide you with an update of Cassandra.

The other day I had a conversation with my wife.

I guess, I can try some tights/leggings as these are also commonly worn by men.
I was wearing my normal working pants over a pair of tights on my way out of the house to work.

"Hi dear, how do you like my new socks", I said.
"Nothing unusual", she said.
"Approve?", I asked.
"Yes, It is just very normal what, nothing special", she said.
"No pantyhose, thinner socks also OK for you right? Does it pull up to the waist like pantyhose?", she teases me yet again about my dressing.
"Yes", I said on my way out to work.

After a month or thinking and conversation, for my wife, she is the kind that would not accept my dressing, but would be able to tolerate. I have stopped dressing for one month and it sucks. I cannot stop thinking of Cassandra. Everytime, I come accross a GG in nylons and heels, it would remind me of Cassandra. I had to dress. Luckily, for me a sister from this forum suggested that I should underdress. I thought about it and leggings over working pants would be my way of doing it. A little of heels and skirt, occassionally would do not much harm, I think.

I plan to explain to my wife bit by bit over long periods of time. From the conversation above, I can use to explain to her that wearing tights is very normal as no one would noticed them. And they are commonly worn by guys due to cold weather, exercise and the latest fashion. I would than explain that there is no reason to disallow me to wear them.

In the meantime, I would also continue to re-assure her my love for her in other ways as an ongoing process. This would build a strong foundation for our relationship for whatever challenges we would face in future.

As for Cassandra. I have started dressing again. One month break was very difficult. I plan to dress discretely and reveal to her slowly, step by step as she is ready to accept more of Cassandra, I would reveal more. In the meantime, I have already drop hint to her that I have started dressing like wearing tights as a first step. I guess I had to manage that delicately.

I know I can't force her to accept Cassandra, whether she accepts Cassandra is not important for me anymore at this point. As far as I am concern, I have come out to her and told her the truth. Giving her the whole truth about Cassandra head to toe in one big bang would freek her out.

Yes, between her and Cassandra, I chose her, I have said that I would try but never promised that Cassandra would disappear forever. However, one day she would have to understand that it was not my choice that Cassandra is part of me that cannot be separated. I am no longer in fear that she happen to find out more than I have revealed because she already knew that Cassandra's closet is somewhere in the house. She would not be suprised if she happen to stumble on them.

Thanks to sister "Maria in heels" for her support and idea to under dress. It goes a long way for me.

Well every wife is different and with your advise, I have chosen to manage my situation like this.

I hope this post can give some ideas to those of you who have problems with SO accepting your dressing.

Anyway, I share some of my under dressing at work and work outs photo I have taken.

Picture 1 - Cassandra at work
Picture 2 - Some toe streching
Picture 3 - On my way back from work, a litte of heels and skirts would do no big harm I guess.
Picture 4 - Pre-dawn exercise, I asked someone in the park to take this for me. He didn't notice anything.
Picture 5 - Cycling.

hugs,
Cassandra

[PatyR]

It's good to know that things seem to be getting better.:hugs:

When I came out to my then girlfriend, news was not taken well; it was a process, but I was not aware of it.

This process began over 15 years ago and it took a while, but she ended up accepting it. I truly believe that communication was the key factor and the fact that I love her, and she knows it, really helped!

Every path is different, I hope yours ends up well.

[Midnight Skye]

I really feel for you Cassandra. Hang in there! The biggest difficulty between my wife and me, was her understanding that my girl side and me were not two seprate people. Once her view of both merged, things became much smoother. There are alot of different emotions and bumps. The betrayal your wife feels... that can take some time to go away (though it sounds like that's starting to subside). I really hope she finds it in her heart to work with you and figure out boundaries that work for you both. I wish you both luck!

[karen88st]

Hi Cassandra, reading through your post, seems like you and your wife are making baby steps in the right direction. Apparently she accepted you wearing very feminine tights, which I see as a very good sign. I agreed with everyone here, take it very slowly and don't push your limit too much or too fast. It takes time. As long as you continue proving to her that you are still the same person she knew years ago, I think she will eventually change her mind and accept Cassandra as part of you.

[SamanthaS]

Good for you. I hope everything works out for the two of you ;)