I told my wife!

[Jenniferathome]

Holy cow, I did it and it could not have gone better. For anyone considering telling your wife or girlfriend. I want to give you the play by play. I wrote down what I wanted to say and practiced it a hundred times. This is it word for word:


Sweetie,
I love you and I have something I have to tell you that will shock you and likely change the way you think of me forever. I’ve hidden this since I was a kid and wanted to tell you so many times but I always chickened out. Now, I’ve reached the point of breaking and have to tell you. I don’t know why today is different from the hundred other times I was “close” to telling you but here I am.

I don’t mean to pass my burden to you but I don’t want to hide any more. I am tired of being afraid that you will find out and scared that putting you in some unfair position will cause you to hate me. It would probably be easier for me if I kept this buried but as I said, I reached my breaking point. It’s my only deceit. I feel damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I’m going to beat around the bush here because I am humiliated and scared. I don’t want to lose you. I love you and have always loved you. So, let me first say what this is NOT about:
I have not had an affair. I have never had an affair and I do not want to have an affair. I love you and only you. I love you emotionally and sexually. You are it for me and always have been. You are a fantastic wife and an even better mother. This is not about you are anything you have done or not done. I am so afraid of losing you that my guts are in knots.
I am not gay. I do not want a sex-change or anything along those lines. I like being a straight guy. I love being your husband.
I don’t rob banks or kill people, nothing criminal. I think I’m pretty normal, except….

From the time I was 8 years old I have been keeping a secret from the world, and that obviously includes you. I am a cross-dresser. There it is. My one secret out in the open. I thought I would take this to the grave alone. I kind of wish that you knew and were just afraid of embarrassing me but this is not something someone would reasonably suspect of me. (I found out to the contrary)

I am ashamed that I was such a coward that I couldn’t tell you but at various times in my life this part of me has been weak to the point that I thought I was “over it” but it has never been gone. I’ve had 40 years to deal with this and I still don’t know “why” I do it. I can’t and don’t expect you to understand. All I can offer is to be 100% open and answer any questions you might have. I am sure there are hundreds.

You have complete control of where this goes. I took step 1 now you get to own steps 2 through infinity. IF you want to discuss daily or never, that is ok. Participate or not, want see or not see that anything ok. I get no say in this. You can set any boundary condition you want and I’ll respect it and follow it.

I love you more than I can say. I’d die for you.

Her words,"Honey I've known for years. It's ok and I am kind of relieved."
Me: "Why relieved?"
Her: "I didn't know if you were gay or wanted a sex change or what."
Me: "How did you know?"
Her: "Every time I came home from being away my clothes were out of place, hung differently, that kind of thing."
Me: "I'll do anything you want, as little or as much as you like but I'd really like to just hang up my things in the closet."
Her: "That's fine, I don't care. I really don't want to share my clothes with you because you'll stretch them out." said laughing. "Any time you need to get away, just tell me and that fine too. I'm not ready to see you dressed yet but I love you."

There was more conversation but she is INCREDIBLE! God I love her.

[Kittie]

I'm happy things went so great for you! Sounds like you have been sub-conciously leaving clues in the wardrobe lol. x

[Haley Heather]

that made me cry ...

[Jenniferathome]

I'm happy things went so great for you! Sounds like you have been sub-conciously leaving clues in the wardrobe lol. x

Funny thing is I actually tried to cover up. The lesson here is that if you THINK you are covering your steps, you are mistaken. I am so relieved. 100 ton weight gone.

[Christy_M]

Congratulations. I am so happy for you. I can only imagine how great you must feel having that off your chest.

[Jenniferathome]

Congratulations. I am so happy for you. I can only imagine how great you must feel having that off your chest.

Thanks, I feel like shouting from the rooftops. My love for that woman can't be described.

[Tanya C]

It sounds like coming out to your wife was the best thing you could have done. At one point you told her that you didn't want to pass the burden onto her, but you probably relieved her of some of that burden because she no longer has to live in dark about your cding. You're now free to communicate openly about it and that will help to strengthen acceptance.

[Phoebe P.]

WOW!!! That is an amazingly compelling story! I was so much more harsh when I came out to my wife (I've been using your makeup and wearing your panties, here's dinner, and I'm dressed as a woman) You are a wonderful girl and should be commended!

[Laura De Santis]

hi Jenny
when i read your letter my eyes were watering
i am veery happy for you and your wife that everything goes well
i start to write a plus or minus the same letter as yours for telling to my lovely wife (since 35 years) what i am
can i borrow from yours a few sentences to complete mine
i will also come out to her as you did
i plan to do it in the next few weeks
love Laura

[Jenniferathome]

hi Jenny

can i borrow from yours a few sentences to complete mine


Laura, feel free to borrow any words that seem appropriate. I hope your wife responds well. After 20 years with my wife, I was worried, but deep down, I knew she was a deeply tolerant person. If yours is open minded, there is room to find compromise. Practice your talk. Keep it brief and make the discussion about her and what she can handle. Best of luck

[Phoebe P.]

I wasn't actually that callous. We've been married nearly 16 years and I've been leading up to it...

[Rianna Humble]

Her words,"Honey I've known for years. It's ok and I am kind of relieved."
...
Her: "Any time you need to get away, just tell me and that fine too. I'm not ready to see you dressed yet but I love you."

That is a wonderful response from someone who must be an exceptional human being! Please just remember to take it at her pace now, it would be all too easy to get carried away with the new freedom your wife has given you despite your good intentions.

Have you worked out yet in what creative way you are going to express your appreciation of her response?

[Jenniferathome]

Have you worked out yet in what creative way you are going to express your appreciation of her response?

No, but I won't rule out groveling. She gets a free pass for life. I'll remind myself every day.

[Mary Morgan]

When I finally told my wife, she told me that she had known for some time. When I asked how, she simply said, " you are not as clever as you think you are". And when I did tell her, she too expressed great relief that my secret wasn't something terrible, that I wasn't having an affair or wanted to leave her.

The lesson I think is that women know things, maybe they don't know the details, but they are great observers and they know things. Best not to let them think worse of us.

[Roberta Marie]

It sounds like you married an amazing woman, just like the amazing woman that I married.

It also sounds like you have some great communication going, and that you are genuinely more concerned about her than you are about yourself. I would encourage that, and hope that you continue to listen to her, and understand what all of this means to her.

[Raychel]

I am very glad that you took the time to prepare the proper speech and that all worked well for you.
I have to tell you that I did not have a speech prepared and it did not go as well, No as bad as it could have, alot of crying and turmoil for a while, But we did get thru it.

I am very happy that your wife took it so well.

[Gennifer]

Jennifer, what a great, great story. You are very lucky, but your wife is, too.

[Tina B.]

Jennifer, that's the kind of story that should lend hope to those that have not told yet, because it's hard to find the right love, under any circumstances, people get to feeling that because we cross dress, we can never find happiness with a woman, and it's just not true, there is so many happily married members here. There are women out there that will love you because your a cross dresser, and there are women out there that can love you despite the fact that you are a cross dresser. And plenty of women that fall in between that, such as the DADT group. It's always so nice to here the success story's.
Tina B.

[cassandra.932]

Jennifer,

Well done! I am so happy for both of you.

[Rogina B]

Well Jennifer,you are just getting on the "rollercoaster ride of acceptance"...There will PROBABLY be a whole lot of ups and downs before the ride is finished. There are tons of posts that discuss that. Reine recently wrote an excellant one from the SO of a dresser's point of view,regarding how they have to grow in acceptance as the TG's level of identity changes.If not,the acceptance from the SO no longer matches the situation. There are many interesting comments on acceptance in this forum.

[celeste26]

Two things
first: its great that you've cleared the air now you can just go on living without the heavy weight of this secret
second: it constantly amazes me how men can wear their wives clothes and think they can put them back without the wives knowing.

[NicoleScott]

You put your fate in her hands, and she responded by giving you acceptance with boundaries. Appreciate the acceptance, and respect the boundaries. And get your own clothes. You lucky dog.

[Jessica_Dillon]

Jennifer,
That was fantastic! Well written, and absolutley nothing left hidden about the way you feel for your wife. You are a lucky girl, but then again, so is your wife. Being open with your wife on cross-dressing makes your relationship so much better in the long run. You are an exemplar model for those who have not yet told their SO's, but are wanting to. Congratulations.

[StaceyJane]

I'm so happy for you that you did it.
Being out really changed my life.

[BRANDYJ]

Jennifer. Your words showed clearly that you not only wanted the burden off of your back, but in doing o, cared deeply for your wife. No doubt you love each other. But now that there are no secrets, that love will grow ten fold.
We read other stories of how and when others came out to their loved ones, some turn out not so good. Then we read stories like yours and begin to realize their are more good results posted then bad ones. I could not be happier for you. I'd much rather read stories like yours then to read how others were met with shock, hurt and negative results. I welcome you to the club of those of us that share our complete and true selves with our partners.
Your wife is an extraordinarily tolerant, compassionate and loving woman. If others can see that in their wives, then it can go as lovingly as your confession did. I am very happy for not only you, but for your wife as well.

[Samantha43]

That's a wonderful story Jennifer. Thank you for sharing.

[Jonianne]

That is wonderful Jennifer! As was previously mentioned, it's likely her acceptance will vary greatly, especially as you start to expand your femme side. Often the pink fog of acceptance will push you to want even more acceptance, possibly to the point of going further than your wife is comfortable with. I speak from experience.

Now is the time to spend plenty of time talking to her about boundries and groundrules. They can always be expanded later when she is more comfortable and secure, but you are in a relationship and you want to keep it a healthy one.

Always, Always accept her level of acceptance. And let her know you accept her level of acceptance. You will gain so much more in your relationship with her, by going at her pace and letting her lead.

[Patrice_CD]

Jennifer,
I'm glad to hear how well things went as my wife and I discussed things last night. We aren't as sly as we think no matter how hard we try to cover up. I put on one blouse of my wife's while she was gone for several weeks (I've purchased all of my own clothing but wanted an idea of fit) and when she came home last week she noticed it wasn't where she had put it. Must be that 6th sense the female form has :-) I'm so glad things went well. Stories like these will surely help others with coming out to the SO.
Patrice

[mskanuchi]

Great thing being honest. I was honest from the start with my wife, it's just taken me 15 years to get to a point where I can concentrating on my dressing. Now that the houses are paid for and the financial burden is eased, she's fine with me having my personal fun. We even wen to the nail salon together yesterday, I had a pedi and my toenails are bright pink, was so nice to wake up to this morning.
You're a lucky person, keep it honest and real, you never know just how much pressure it'll take off.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Jennifer,


We have almost recited the same playbook..... and the best think is that my wife also had the same reply. I had told my wife the same way about 4-5 years ago. I can just imagine how nervous and still recall the actual shaking in my voice as I formed the same words you have posted.

My wife is not totally supportive of my need to indulge my female ego, however she is open minded enough to understand my need to be jenny. We have been married 37 years and plan on another 37.

I know you now feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your mind. I think we can be thankful we have such wonderful partners!

[SamanthaS]

Glad to hear your "Out", LOL. Now comes the part where you start buying more clothes :)

[Fran Moore]

Very well done Jennifer, I bet your back and knees feel so much better! We never know how this conversation is going to be received, but sounds like your outcome was very positive. When we had the "talk" over twenty years ago, it did not go nearly as well, and after several years of "turmoil" it finally faded into a "don't ask, don't tell" situation, which is not ideal, but much better than total deception. Every woman is different in how they view this issue, and ultimately deal with it. Sounds like you have a very understanding spouse, and I wish you much success going foward from this point on. Being a little "lighter in the loafers" can be such a good thing for your life in general!

Suzanne

[PretzelGirl]

Woo-Hoo! Congratulations and you did it very well. Love that lady and cherish her.

Isn't it amazing how many times someone waits a long time to tell and then finds out they already knew? We are not slick it seems.

[Amanda22]

Jennifer, congratulations for the way you gently and lovingly had this conversation. You obviously crafted your disclosure very carefully to represent the true nature of how you feel. I don't think this could have gone any better and I know how you're feeling right now. To be in a relationship with no secrets is absolutely the best. I'll send you a PM in a minute. Way to go!!

[Debglam]

Yay Jennifer! That is great news and I wish the best to you and your spouse! I said a lot of the same things when I came out but I guess because a lot of our stories are the same. One piece of advice I'd add to anyone else out there thinking of having "the talk" with your wife is TIMING! Find a time when your SO is not stressed out or distracted and when she can basically take the blow of what you are saying and have time to absorb it.

[Sandra]

I am so relieved. 100 ton weight gone.

Just don't put that 100 ton weight in her shoulders. By that I mean don't go to quick and wanting to do everything now, take things at her pace and continue to communicate

[Inna]

Oh boy, so now it really starts! Truth is liberating, isn't it. Its like letting a little girl peak through a keyhole to discover a new wonderful world beyond the doors, now she wants the key:)

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jenn That was a great story something like mine at first we talked about it than acceptance then rejection
and now she tollerates it but it's a don't ask don't tell kinda thinggie. Allthough all my things are in our closets
and my dresser drawers I don't have to hide anything.

Orchid

[JamieG]

I am to hear that things have gone well for you. I wish you and your wife much continued happiness.

[Di]

Very happy for you BOTH!

[CareBearGG]

Congratulations!! I'm sure a burden has been lifted off the both of you. I believe MOST women can sense when their husband is trying to hide something and finding out that its not another woman, or something along those lines, has got to bring such a sense of relief. I'm glad that you no longer have to hide your true self.

[Lorileah]

they know, they just wait for us to own up.

[Phoebe P.]

Congratulations!! I'm sure a burden has been lifted off the both of you. I believe MOST women can sense when their husband is trying to hide something and finding out that its not another woman, or something along those lines, has got to bring such a sense of relief. I'm glad that you no longer have to hide your true self.
WOW! That is an amazingly good point that I NEVER thought of! I can't believe I didn't think of that as I'm rather OCD. I know now my wife doesn't think I'm cheating!

[Sully]

Yeah, my wife loves it too!!! :-)

//Sully

[kimdl93]

they know, they just wait for us to own up.

So true. Mary M's wife said it well: "we're not as clever as we think".

[AmyGG]

Hi

Well done for taking such a hard step and what a lovely wife you must have. I found out about my husband's CDing about 8 months ago (weve been married for nearly 10 yrs) and I didn't take it too well, all of the usual questions popped into my head - is he gay, does he want a sex change, is he going to leave me etc, but after some soul searching I knew I loved him with all my heart even this new side of him but like your wife, there are boundaries where his female persona does not go and does not do. Although he dresses in male mode when we go out its like having a girlfriend shopping with me. It must have been such a relief for your wife to have these answers from you after knowing something was up. Give her a hug from me and ask if she would like to join the forum for support from other SOs.

Hope everything carries on OK.

All the best.

AmyGG

[Kitty Sue]

Wow that is a great story. Thanks for sharing.

[Jenniferathome]

Hi all, I wanted to offer up an update to my "story" now that it has been about 4 weeks since I told her. As a brief history, I had been hiding my cross dressing for all of our relationship together, more than 25 years total and 20+ of those married. While I nearly had a heart attack upon telling her, it went fantastically and she has been fantastic every day since. Her only concern was that I might want to transition to a woman and when I assured her that I was a cross dresser only, she was completely happy. Today, she even tried on a few of my dresses and said she she'd like to borrow one in particular. She also told me it was fine if I wanted to wear them around the house while she was home! She is even helping me choose outfits while shopping on line. So things are great beyond my wildest dreams but the reason I am relating this now is because of a conversation we had about why she accepts me and advice I had given to all here. I told her that some wives are not at all accepting and even worse. She really couldn't believe it because as she said," I love you so it just doesn't matter. The only thing I can think is that if someone's relationship is already difficult, this could offer a "reason" to get out."

So my message is this: truth is always better. After coming out to my wife, every day is great. The caveat is if you think your relationship is strained, you need to fix that before you tell. I do not think cross dressing is the cause of relationship issues. I think relationship issues cause intolerance of our cross dressing. Dig deep, address your relationship. When that is on solid footing, come clean. You'll be happy. Best wishes to all.

[CareBearGG]

Congratulations on telling your wife! I'm glad things went so well.



Her only concern was that I might want to transition to a woman .
I'm pretty sure this is a concern/worry/quetion all SOs have when they find out about the CDing.

[darla_g]

Great news on all of this. You probably don't want to push it too much right now.

[Babeba]

I'm soo happy that this went well for you! Congratulations, on both your courage and your intelligent, thoughtful wife - she absolutely rocks in my books for the insight she had so quickly I think some (both CDs and GGs) in our community just never figure out.

[donnatracey]

Another successful coming out story. So glad things worked out so well, Jennifer; you are indeed blessed to have such an understanding wife.

[Tina B.]

Glad to hear things are going so good! I remember what that fear is when trying to get it out and tell. But when you get that kind of acceptance right out of the gate, life can be great can't it? Now about that dress the wife wants to borrow, what she got that you want to try wearing, maybe a you try mine, and I'll try yours party could be a fun idea.
Tina B.

[JamieG]

So my message is this: truth is always better. After coming out to my wife, every day is great. The caveat is if you think your relationship is strained, you need to fix that before you tell. I do not think cross dressing is the cause of relationship issues. I think relationship issues cause intolerance of our cross dressing. Dig deep, address your relationship. When that is on solid footing, come clean. You'll be happy. Best wishes to all.

Jennifer, I am so happy that things are going great between you and your wife. However, I want to caution you (and your readers) from jumping to the conclusion that you made. Although I agree that truth is better, and that it's important to have a strong relationship beforehand, I do not think that guarantees happiness. There are some women who simply will not ever be able to accept this and others that might struggle a long time to come to peace with it. Before I told my wife, our relationship was amazing. She was (and still is) my best friend. We spent much time together, had many similar interests, lot's of inside jokes, etc. Despite this and her being an open-minded person (she had two close gay friends) my coming out to her shook her world. She contemplated divorce and we had some very dark months. She felt I had lied to her for all of those years before, and nothing else mattered. The good news is that both of us worked hard over many years to rebuild the trust and now we are in a wonderful place where we are closer than ever. But I still shudder to think how close we had come to the end our our marriage...

[Stephanie47]

I'm really happy your wife is understanding and willing to participate in your cross-dressing. Your marriage had to be on firm ground for her to quickly accept your cross-dressing. And, she had to be comfortable with herself. A successful marriage is one based on mutual respect. There must be compromise. It is obvious your wife knows who you are deep inside and is comfortable with you as a person. On other issues you probably have walked and grown together for twenty five years.

And, you're absolutely correct that cross-dressing may be the excuse for dissolving a marriage that is already in trouble.

[Cynthia Anne]

Every once in a while along comes a great story! I love a story with a happy ending! And yours is at the very top of the list! Hugs!

[BRANDYJ]

I still hold on to the romantic belief that love can conquer all. If a wife loves her husband and their relationship is generally happy, I think most all marriages can survive a husband's coming out to his wife. As I have read over and over for many years, the main anger and hurt in the wife is the fact that the husband waited so long to tell them and did not trust them enough to tell much sooner. Being a CD is a very big issue to hide from a wife. I know I could never do it and thank God I have never had to do it other then my short first marriage at the ripe old age of 17. But that was back when even I did not know what I was for lack of readily available information since there was no Internet back then.
If the marriage is not going well in other areas, I can understand that telling could be the straw that broke the camels back. If it seems that the love is gone then it is a convenient exit point for a GG that is not happy in the marriage. But yes, with love we can conquer all.

[MsGreen]

Thanks for sharing, that was a beautiful exchange. And your affirmation of her, your honesty, and your offer was wonderful -- and must have been difficult!

[wanagione]

I'm very happy for you and I know how you feel. I told my wife in about the same words. She didn't say anything for about a week, I thought that was it. She then came to me and told me that she loved me and it was ok. She told me she was more upset that I didn't tell her. Well, That was 4 years ago, and just 2 weeks ago she went to the Keystone conference dinner and dance with me! Good Luck, Take it slow.