At the end of my rope

[sarmil]

Hello, my name is Sarah. I am a woman DAM IT!! I am drunk now and it seams the only way that I have the courage to say these things. I am sorry for jumping right in to it. I have struggled for 13 years trying to be happy. I have pushed my female side down so much I have been depressed, suicidal and not happy. I debate on a daily basis to either cut my testicals off or just end it all. For some reason I do not have the guts to tell anyone. Sometimes I can look in the mirror and see who I really am, but some time I look and I am disgusted at what I see. I envy the ladies and gentleman here that have made the choice to become who they really are. I do not have any one that I can talk to. I think that my friends would understand and support me in my transition, but I am afraid to test our friendships. They know that I am not normal, hell I get invited to girls night and the bachorette parties. I have been told on several occasions that I am one of the girls, but sometimes I think that they still see me as a dam man. I am frustrated when I am not included on all of the girls nights, but how can I be, I have not told them who I really am. Can I not be happy? Why can I not tell them the truth? I am so alone. I don’t want to go back to hurting myself for emotional relief. Please help.

Sarah Miller

[Melody Moore]

Hi Sarah.

First of all forget about self-mutilation or suicide - it simply isn't worth it. Don't hurt your genitals because if you
do decide to transition then doctors will need almost everything to reconstruct female genitalia. And as for suicide,
you can easily blotch that and end up stuck living with even more pain & suffering. And besides, having a gender
identity disorder simply isn't really worth topping yourself over. I also went through the same problem with mirrors
& felt disgusted & angry at who I was. So take the mirrors down or cover them up if this is seriously effecting you.

We all have fear about talking about our issues and this is why I am going to recommend that you seek out the
help of a therapist (psychologist) who specialised with treating gender identity disorders, as well as talk to your
doctor about what is going on. None of these people will judge you or be critical of you. They are bound by privacy
laws, so whatever you talk about to them is purely between you & your practitioner or therapist. Talking to a total
stranger is a lot easier than talking to those you are closest with because there is no chance that you can destroy
a friendship.

I would also urge you to try and find a local transgender/transsexual support group, this way you can start
to establish a network of support outside of that you establish with your therapist and doctor. Joining such
a support group will allow you to make friends and also realise that you are not alone - there are more of us
out there than you ever first realised.

Coming out is always risky, but you have to be prepared to lose everything in order to do this properly. Not
everyone will be accepting, but it is also those people you can do with out. Your best friends who really care
about you will stand by you & support you. The same can be said for your family. Some accept it while others
don't. If they don't accept it, then you don't need them in your life. Transitioning is the best way to find out
who your real friends are. I was surprised that all my best friends fully accept me and support me in what I am
doing because they know it takes a lot of courage to be honest enough to live as your true self. I have found
nothing but the utmost respect really because I think I show a lot of integrity by living as my true self.

If your friends already see you as being feminine and accept you already then half the battle is over before it has
begun - so lucky you!!! So put your big girl panties on and do something about your problem rather than being
constrained by paranoia about what other people 'might' think and stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Sorry if this
isn't what you want to hear, but I think it is something you need to hear to help get you out of this rut you are in.

:hugs:

[GinaD]

Sarah, nothing short of dying to save one of your kids is worth killing yourself for. You are so fortunate to have friends that invite you to social events and accept your female side. One of the secrets of life is to be content where your are, and enjoy what is available to you when you can. No one gets this thing called life all on their own terms. We all have to adjust, improvise, and overcome the challenges that come up. Just don't do anything that will not only hurt you, but all of those who care about you. That would be the ultimate selfish act.

[Ericka2]

Hi Sarah, I'm so sad that you feel this way and my sympathy goes out to you, I want you to know that you are not alone, I used to feel just like you but there's help out there, first define yourself and stop putting you last, don't put Sarah on the shelf and stored her away because she doesn't belong there, she's beautiful and wants to shine, PM me anytime, I also could use a good friend....

Love,Ericka.

[StaceyJane]

Sarah,
I just want to tell you that you aren't alone. many of us have felt the same way.
Also there are alot of us from Texas. I'm sure that no matter where you live you will be suprised to find someone very much like you nearby.

Stacey

[transrocker]

i wish i had some advice for you
but all i can offer is friendship and support
*offers hugs*

[Aprilrain]

Melody has said everything that someone in your position needs to hear. There is nothing wrong with you your just scared, we all were at one time. Who wouldn't be? Let's face it this thing is weird but that doesn't make it wrong. I think of it this way, what creator would want for it's creation to suffer beyond reason. All suffering has a purpose of course, if we felt no pain we'd have no reason to discover whats hurting us and fix it! Some times we need to be driven to the end of our ropes so we can move beyond the fear that is controlling us. Let go of your tether and be free.

P.S. I repeat call a therapist!

[danielleb]

Hi Sarah, welcome to the forum.:hugs:

Unfortunately only you can take the first step to get things moving for yourself. However small it needs to be for you it doesn't matter, just have the will to take it! Whether you prefer a therapist, support group, coming out to friends/family, or even finding friends here. If you found your way here (drunk or not:D) chances are pretty good you know what your getting into and where you belong.;)

I will warn you though, it's like pandora's box; crack it open a little and it's not closing back up!:battingeyelashes:


Some times we need to be driven to the end of our ropes so we can move beyond the fear that is controlling us.
Now there's the understatement of the year.:bs:

[arbon]

Hi Sarah

you are not alone in what you are going through, as was mentioned many have gone through this. Just know that this is something that you can get through. A lot of good advice has been shared and hope you listen to it. Think about what steps you can take - what is available to you? are there support groups in your area? is therapy an option? I was feeling much like yourself and had to finally start taking some chances because I could not keep living the way I was. I had to start accepting myself for who I am.
Glad you are here. Hang in there. :-)

[mistunderstood]

Hi Sarah glade you found your way here. You find a lot of great people here who can be a real asset to you. I to have problem with mirrors. Evey time I look at my-self I to want to mutilate my body(grant it I am the opposite of you) but still. I some times put a towel over the mirror or I only use a hand mirror so I do not see what I do not like. If you need keep coming back to this forum if nothing else it can help you not feel all alone.

[Rianna Humble]

First of all forget about self-mutilation or suicide - it simply isn't worth it.

:yt: If I quoted all the bits that I agree with in Melody's post,I wouldn't cut anything out.

Like you, I have considered cutting my bits off or ending my life but I decided there was no future in that (especially the second option).

You do need to seek out some help, and coming here was a good first step, but professional help will be an even better second step.

As Melody says, if some of your friends already see you as one of the girls, then you are half way there with them.

I won't lie to you and say that it is easy coming out, but it is well worth the effort when you get to start down the road of becoming your true self.

[sarmil]

I would like thank everybody for your support and advice. Since posting I have put on my big girl panties and told 4 of my girlfriends. Each one said that they love me and they want me to be happy. They also wondered why it took me so long to tell them. I love my friends. I am relieved that I told them and you ladies. I am in the process of getting professional help. If I was not at a breaking point when I last posted, I am at one now. This past weekend I was a bridesmaid at one of my girlfriends wedding. I was proud to stand on her side, but no happy that I had to dress as a man. I held my self together during the ceremony and the pictures after, but after that I broke down and cried for 3 hours. She was the only one who knew something was wrong. I did not want to tell her at first, because It was her wedding and the happiest day of her life. She keep asking me what was wrong and I finally told her. I was jealous of how beautiful she and the other bridesmaids looked and that I looked disgusting as a man. She was so great and gave me a pep talk and I felt much better after. I would like to thank everyone again for your support, advice and just being here.

Hugs and Kisses
Sarah

[TerryTerri]

Welcome to the forum Sarah. Sounds to me like you're in the right place. Try not to get too overwhelmed with all this. Baby steps will get you where you need to go. I think you're doing the most right thing you can be doing in seeking professional help and spilling your guts to us here on the forum. Most of us REALLY understand what you mean. You aren't wrong! Keep your chin up and get ready for a crazy, mind blowing, scary, rewarding, interesting, NOT BORING, journey with all this and keep us here in mind. Whatever you're going throug, chances are REALLY good that one of us has been through pretty much the same thing. You are not alone at all!!!

btw, at this point pretty much all my friends know about the real me and several other folks (work supervisor, manager, a few selected co-workers, etc.). To my surprise no one has been very surprised and ALL have been more accepting and supportive than I ever expected.

[Melody Moore]

You are welcome Sarmil, that is what we are here for.

I am so glad that things are starting to sort themselves out for
you. Just keep going in baby steps & you will get there in the end.

:hugs:

Damn, look at that, great minds think a like, Terri said the same thing at the exact same time.

[TerryTerri]

Damn, look at that, great minds think a like, Terri said the same thing at the exact same time.

Yep, and being half a world apart that's pretty cool! Unsure about the "great" mind part. Wierd, twisted, challenged mind perhaps, but something more like that if you want truth in advertising here!!! At least concerning my mind!!