A Walk in the Middle of Nowhere

[Stephanie Brooks]

I was born a boy 48 years ago. Hard to believe I'm still here, alive on this planet. I was born into nothing, not as bad as it could have been, not as good as it could have been either.

My programming wasn't quite right. Inside I'm wired to be a girl. I should have been a Mom, should have had the relationships girls have with their mothers, sisters, and girl friends. My mom and dad kinda influenced the programming when I was 3. They thought it was funny to make me wear my sister's dress. Maybe I'd have still been gender confused if they hadn't done anything, but that's life.

In addition to gender issues, my brain doesn't completely work as it does for others. Asperger's Syndrome, combined with a Mensa qualified cerebrum, means I am subject to weird responses from people - negative criticisms that are extraordinarily complimentary.

Case in point: One day I was presenting something I'd done at work. (It was a technique to measure the gnarliness of polygons on a spherical surface. It was really quite simple.) One guy with a Ph.D. said, "That problem's probably been solved somewhere by a bunch of Ph.D's already." I told him, "You're probably right. I looked, couldn't find anything, and had to have the work done in 2 weeks, so I just did it."

On the other hand I have the emotional capability of a child. In another thread I said I didn't know what it was like to be lonely. It isn't that I've never been alone - I feel alone all of the time actually - but alone doesn't equal lonely.

I read something that said 70% of all communication is non-verbal, and Aspies (people with Asperger's Syndrome) are essentially blind to non-verbal communication. Body language, voice subtleties are lost on an Aspie. I don't know if that's right, but it's probably close.

Imagine a world where you are cut off from nearly everything that's being communicated. You're face-to-face with someone and they say something. "You've done a great job! We're cutting the project." The latter part is easy to objectively measure. What of the former? Is it true? Is it a lie? You can't tell because you're reading this in text on a forum. In real life, you might be able to tell if the person is telling the truth or lying. To me, I still only get the text portion.

I must live in The Real World with real people.

I came from nothing. A week from today I brief our Sr. VP and other senior managers on the results of a piece of research I just completed. The person for whom I did the work believes the VP will find some money to continue the work in the next fiscal year, maybe a quarter million. I'll present our work, our results, our recommendations. We'll joke about things, we'll get real serious, and I might even come off as being somewhat normal. I've briefed these folks before. Not bad for coming from nothing.

I'm married. We've been on the rocks mostly on transgender issues. On learning of Asperger's however, it seems much of our troubles are in communication. A year ago I purged virtually everything. That was September 12, 2004. I figured that by now we'd either solve gender issues or be divorced. While gender issues aren't solved, I go out as Stephanie once a month. Learning of Asperger's has made it so that when I think Tracy is saying or doing something against me, I stop and reconsider, and we talk. While things aren't great, home is no longer the hostile place it once was. I'm learning.

I have a daughter. I try not to make her into me. I try to do things she likes to do. I try to be a good parent. I know sometimes I really am a father, sometimes just a parent, maybe father, maybe mother. I don't know. She's almost 7, so the fundamental things are already established. She's now in first grade. Her class did a mural at school, where each of the students had to draw themselves. She drew herself as the tallest; physically she's second shortest. Guess she's doing okay.

I walk through life. I'm alone in a world filled with people. Inside I'm a girl, unless I need to project Physical Strength. So often I don't know who is genuine and who isn't. I like walking late at night, because I'm alone with the Moon and the stars.

I'm not lonely, just alone.

[Stephenie]

Nothing wrong with being alone. Under the stars or out at sea I love to be alone atimes. And I am happy for yopu that you don't know of lonelyness.

Nice to know more about you Stephanie.

[Georgette]

We are never completly alone only at times lonely, I know because I felt like you at one point in my life, and I had 23 employees working for me if you think that youare alone, It is mighty lonely at the top that is when I know that I am never alone, I put my feelings and trust in God and I am not trying to get you to believe in something that you don't want to, but this in just my input on your thread. I hope I didn't offend you or that you feel I am intruding into a plce in your life that I am not wanted, but you laid all of your feelings out there and expected a comment , well I'm commenting to you the only thing that I have used to get me through that lonesome and vacant feeling, is my Trust in God .
Please read my sinature. :)

[DonnaT]

Really deep stuff there Stephanie, and answers to some unspoken questions. Thanks for sharing yourself with us.

What I don't get is why you feel alone?

I use to climb the mountain behind my house when I was a kid, just to be by myself. I would get up to a nice high cliff and sit and think. Although no one was around, I didn't feel I was alone in the world.

[Stephanie Brooks]

Thanks Stephenie!

No offense at all Georgette! Suffice it to say I'm agnostic. I see much simplicity in the universe, but I figure all I have is what's on this planet. As far as being lonely, once I thought I knew the experience but found it to be false.

Thank you DonnaT! Why do I feel alone? It would be easy to say, doesn't everyone? I knew a girl in college who expressed the need to be with someone in her life. I never understood that. I've never needed anyone. I guess that loneliness would require togetherness in order to be understood. I've really never felt togetherness either. (Sometimes I wonder how I've survived so long in a marriage.)

[Khriss]

-the title says it all ........I get it..........

.....too......

[Emily Ann Brown]

Thanks dear,

That was to me such a beautiful piece. Wow, I feel like I know so much more about you now. You're even more beautiful on the inside....


Emily Ann

[Sharon]

It's a wonderful, concise auto-biography of yourself, Steph, and written so well and non-defensively. Thank you so much for opening yourself up and sharing with us these things that are part of what makes you "you". :)

[Marla GG]

Stephanie,

Thank you so much for that beautifully written account of what it is like to be you. Sharing your perspective with others is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.

I have done some reading on Asperger's over the years. I also have an astronomical IQ and in my early teens I was diagnosed with a condition that is related to Asperger's: prosopagnosia ("face blindness"). While that may not seem like much of a disability, it does make social interation very difficult because I am unable to recognize people unless they have some unique combination of distinguishing characteristics that I can artificially memorize (baldness, tatoos, piercings, moles, unusual voices -- those are my only clues). While I don't experience the human world exactly as you do, I can relate to the experience of having to learn and practice social skills that come naturally to other people, and having to compensate and "fake it" in the hope that, as you so eloquently put it, "I might even come off as being somewhat normal." As a result I am not a very social person, although--paradoxically--I love people.

I am happy that you and your wife are finding ways to improve the communication between you, and I am also happy that your daughter is growing up to be someone who sees herself "standing tall." It is true (and sad) that you cannot be a mother, but you can still be as nurturing and maternal in your parental role as any genetic woman is. Your little girl is very lucky to have you as her dad.

Oh and Stephanie.....I'm so glad you decided to stay. :hugs:

[sportschick]

" I can relate to the experience of having to learn and practice social skills that come naturally to other people, and having to compensate and "fake it" in the hope that, as you so eloquently put it, "I might even come off as being somewhat normal." As a result I am not a very social person, although--paradoxically--I love people"


Boy Marla, can I ever relate to that. I know many people feel that I'm unfriendly, and the only friends I have are those I share a stong common interest with...I envy those who are charismatic and can relate and take an interest in people from all walks of life..I wish I could.

Stephanie, very nice and heartfelt image of how you experience the world..how many people do we unfairly judge, if only we could get behind what they project on the surface. Thanks for that though provoking glimpse.

[Lauren_T]

Stephanie, it seems that your solitude has served well to develop your powers of introspection... I've also found that to be one of the major benefits of solitude (as opposed to loneliness) :thumbsup:

[Wendy me]

wow thats so intresting sometimes we don't realy know who we are , oh we think we do then when we think abought it ...we are ever changeing.. this i can tell you for shure we truly won't know were we are going untill after we have been there...till then we just need to do them small steps.....and dance when we can.....

[Lauren_T]

The problem with other people is how their observations reduce a person full of potential and indeterminate probable states to a single collapsed wavefunction.And that will continue to be true, simply because it's easier to do so. The average human does not like to actually think any more than they have to... Categorisation, while indispensible to scientific enquiry, is a crutch for the mass of humanity, one that brings about atrophy of critical thinking skills. :(

[Stephanie Brooks]

Khriss, thank you! I know you do. |-)

Thank you Emily Ann!

Thank you Sharon!

Marla, what can I say? Thank you. The IQ doesn't surprise me. Bright women shine.

Regarding prosopagnosia, back in August I went to my 30th high school class reunion. I was one of the very few people who hadn't changed, which put me at a disadvantage. Others would come up to me and say, "Hi Steve! You haven't changed. Good to see you!!!!!" In a few instances I was thinking, 'Who in the world are you?!' For an evening that can be interesting. I couldn't imagine an entire life like that. But of course you have to do that every day. You're a brave soul, Lady.

It's good to be here, good to be back. Thank you! :hugs:

sportschick, how true! I would guess that everyone has some challenges in their lives. I figure I'm free to judge one person - me.

Hi Lauren_T! Solitude. Over half of my work hours are done outside the "normal work week". Saturdays I have this entire building to myself. ^_^ I stay up late at night after my wife and daughter have gone to bed. I thrive on it. It's essential for me to regenerate.

Katya, how true.

Hiya Wendy! I figure we're all trying to make our way through life one step at a time. And yes, dancing is essential. Need to play. On the days when Alice and I are waiting for her bus, people driving past probably think we're nuts. Sometimes we're dancing like kids on the sidewalk. Doesn't matter, we're having fun. :twirl:

[Julie York]

That's a fascinating piece of writing Stephanie. Have you ever read "The Fascinating Incident of The Dead Dog in The Night" (I think that's the title?) It is a remarkable book and very funny.....but maybe not so funny if you have Aspergers

I was wondering.....If you have trouble 'reading' the intentions of people because of the lack of signals that other people see....(but you don't see them)...then what the hell must you have made of me?! Sometimes I am so ironic in my writing and humour even 'I' don't know when I am being serious. If all you were reading were the words.....Wow! Confusing.

(I'm being serious now btw).



.

[Stephanie Brooks]

That's a fascinating piece of writing Stephanie. Have you ever read "The Fascinating Incident of The Dead Dog in The Night" (I think that's the title?) It is a remarkable book and very funny.....but maybe not so funny if you have Aspergers

I just bought a copy of it last night on the way to the couples' counselor. (I bought Yet Another BIG Cup of Coffee at the same time.) A friend outside the forums recommended it.


I was wondering.....If you have trouble 'reading' the intentions of people because of the lack of signals that other people see....(but you don't see them)...then what the hell must you have made of me?! Sometimes I am so ironic in my writing and humour even 'I' don't know when I am being serious. If all you were reading were the words.....Wow! Confusing.

(I'm being serious now btw).

Most times Julie I end up smiling when I get caught. There was one incident a couple of months ago when Crispy was being a naughty shark. She was trolling a line that was clearly absurd to everyone else, and I just took it for absolute truth. I still love Crispy, long as she doesn't nibble my toes.

But yeah, it's hard to know. My default is people mean exactly what they say. Sure there's risk in that, but for me it's worth it.

[KELLYANN]

STEPH, no one walks alone in this world. your god will guide you. believe in your heart. and others who truly love you. :)

[Stephanie Brooks]

STEPH, no one walks alone in this world. your god will guide you. believe in your heart. and others who truly love you. :)
Thank you KELLYANN. I appreciate the sentiment.

It just isn't that way for me. I have no god. "Heart" is irrelevant to me. "Love" is a supremely challenging concept to me, something intellectual, not felt. I do walk alone, and it's okay.

[Sweet Susan]

Very nicely written. Reflective, expressive. Nicely done. You've probably spoken for many people on this forum, and they will find themselves in what you have written.

I tend not to put my trust in any being, supernatural or otherwise, that I can't see, feel, or hear. I've never spoken to a god and had it answer me, and I don't believe anyone who says that they have communicated with god. Not sure if that makes me agnositic, pessimistic, atheist, or realist. It's just what I believe. I've never felt alone in my thoughts, beliefs, or sexuality. I yam what I yam and that's what I yam.

I love your avatar, by the way. Is it you? It looks very much like it could be.

[Stephanie Brooks]

Thank you Sweet Susan!!!

Regarding the avatar, no it's not me. I wish! The profile picture is, however.

[Fiona K]

As ever a thought provoking post, we all can be lonely, even when surrounded by the people we love, sometimes a good thing sometimes a bad..... we can decide that for ourselves.
Thanks again Stephanie
Fiona
xx

[Lilith Moon]

Thank you Sweet Susan!!!

Regarding the avatar, no it's not me. I wish! The profile picture is, however.

And very cute you look too.

Just another Aspie here with an IQ in the 99th percentile checking in. Your most eloquent description of your world view struck a chord here. Although I also like people it is "as through a glass but darkly" and I am also "alone but not lonely" being often read as unfriendly, especially when I ignore people who I should recognise but don't. The ability to read and recognise people does get better with age, although I think I shall never be perfectly fluent at it. There seems to be an awful lot of people like us around here. I wonder if there is a connection between Aspergers, high IQ and crossdressing ?

[Laurie Ann]

Stephanie

A beautiful post you really poured your heart out. I have always enjoyed what you have to say very thought provoking and many times filled with dry humor (my favorite kind). Remember that you never walk alone when you look at your lifes footprints when only one set appears God is carrying you and always watching over all his children. BTW that technique you were working on sounds like you are trying to make a golf ball fly farther. I am really glad you found your way back to this place.

Love Laurie Ann

[Stephanie Brooks]

Thank you Fiona!

Lilith, thank you. <*blushes*> On connections, who knows? I've seen nothing either way, though it would be interesting to learn. Ultimately for me, it's not what we have, it's what we do with it that matters.

Hi Laurie Ann! Thank you! I like "Footprints", but still I see no God. That's okay. On the technique, it was to determine the gnarliness of geographical shapes similar to cities, states, or countries. It was a matter of determining relationships between the actual area of the shape and the predicted area assuming a non-gnarly boundary.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Wow, again, Stephanie! I find what you said here strangely beautiful, in a kind of haunting sad way. I have worked with folks, professionally, with Asperger's, so I know of what you speak. Your description of Aspies (to borrow your phrase) is 'spot on' as our friends across the pond would say. I can't imagine what it must be like for you to have a gender issue on top of Asperger's--difficult, confusing, overwhelming..........and a host of other adjectives. Anyhow, my hat off ta ya grrl! It sounds like you've done well by yourself and your family. :)

[uknowhoo]

Dear, sweet Stephanie,

We all come here for many similar, or sometimes different reasons.
Most of us keep coming back because that which we find is fufilling, or satisfying on some level. That is certainly the case with me.

This is the first time though, that I have ever read anything of true substance here. Your eloquence and introspection have created such a beautiful piece. Yet it gives us pause, and a chance to step back and look at life, and ourselves from a different perspective.

Thank you.

Tammi


p.s. I certainly hope and expect no one will take my aforementioned comment about substance the wrong way. this wasn't your run-of-the-mill panty thread, if you know what I mean). :o

[Stephanie Brooks]

Thank you Kew. |-) To me it's just normal.

You know, it was your own girlie who planted the seed for this in her thread, "Missing ....". She said she was lonely. I said I didn't know what loneliness was. Then I thought about it. (And now the clue hammer strikes this thick skull. I hope things are well between you two.)

Thank you Tammi! ^_^

[simonbear7]

And very cute you look too.
There seems to be an awful lot of people like us around here. I wonder if there is a connection between Aspergers, high IQ and crossdressing ?

Hi, Simon here. I mainly hang out over at Livejournal, where I have just set up an Aspie_trans community because some friends of mine and I got talking (on IM) and realised we knew quite a lot of trans people. As I understand it,
(and I may be wrong here), I see cd people as being 'somewhere in the middle', not cisgendered (gender as defined at birth) but not transsexual, but somewhere in the middle.

Obviously I'm also an Aspie, but I"m FTM transsexual. I'm on this board because I have a lot of cross dresser friends and also find that I'm attracted to the ones I know, whether they are dressed or not, we have much in common.
Take care everyone
Simon

[norbie]

Oh Dear Stephanie,
its so good to share, and as you share your inside with us-so I share myself with you.
I think that I know how it looks in your deep inside. I am married, have two great boys over 25, and I am very, very lonely.
Its hard for me to communicate with people and I so do love people. Everybody in my town respects me, greets and smiles at me, and jet I am very lonely inside.
I think there is not to much we can do about this, accept our fate, get a hobby, do sport....
I also think it must be so much harder for you, being in a different world with your Math, its not so easy I think to communicate with other people, I hope I could be wrong there.
Whatever happen in our lifes there is always someone who truely loves us - we just have to find this love....
Feels with you my Dear,
Norbie

[Angela Burke]

Hi, Simon here. I mainly hang out over at Livejournal, where I have just set up an Aspie_trans community because some friends of mine and I got talking (on IM) and realised we knew quite a lot of trans people. As I understand it,
(and I may be wrong here), I see cd people as being 'somewhere in the middle', not cisgendered (gender as defined at birth) but not transsexual, but somewhere in the middle.

Obviously I'm also an Aspie, but I"m FTM transsexual. I'm on this board because I have a lot of cross dresser friends and also find that I'm attracted to the ones I know, whether they are dressed or not, we have much in common.
Take care everyone
Simon
Yeah! there's also a mutual admiration society somewhere no doubt, if there ain't I'm sure you'll find one or start one up!

Love Angela XX

[Stephanie Brooks]

Thank you simonbear7, norbie, and Angela XX!

[Julie York]

p.s. I certainly hope and expect no one will take my aforementioned comment about substance the wrong way. this wasn't your run-of-the-mill panty thread, if you know what I mean). :o

Dear Sir/Madam,
As a regular contributor to the forum I must object, in the strongest terms, to the comments made by one of your members, Mz OoohTammi. I for one, have contributed many a panty thread which, I believe, were both beautifully crafted and thought provoking. It is only by truly understanding panties that we come to know our deeper selves. I have indeed explored this subject in many a late night session, pondering on the questions of the Universe and Panties. So much so that I have combined my theories into an all encompassing religeon "Eden and Panties...The True downfall of Man." It is this cavalier attitude to panties and panty threads which, in my opinion, has seriously undermined the quality of reporting in what was a respected forum on the subject.

Yours Sincerely.
Mz Gemima Duck (BA Hons. OBE.)



[Sorry Stepahnie. You can have your thread back now.] :D

[Katiegirl]

Thank you Stephanie for a very thought provoking post, for those of us who have not knowing came across the condition of Asperger, it gives a great insight on how hard it must be to a sufferer.

I must omit that I can "read" a person very quickly and I can't think how I would cope without that ability.

I can understand what you say about being alone but not lonely, I find that I am lonely in crowds and feel cut off whereas I treasure the times I am alone after a hectic day at work.

You have a great understanding of your problem and that must help you to cope now and hopefully in the future.

:)

Mind of a Woman, Body of a Man, Life is a Bitch

[Stephanie Brooks]

Julie, :D

Katiegirl, thank you!

[Lisa Maren]

Hello Stephanie

Thank you for allowing us such a profound glimpse of what's inside of you. You're beautiful. :)

Girls, this post strays somewhat from the topic of crossdressing, so please forgive me? I want to reach out to Stephanie and Marla.

I can somewhat relate to you and Marla, Stephanie. I, too, have a very high IQ and I have ADD. There are three types: Hyperactive, Inattentive, and Combined. I am the Inattentive type. While ADD has several positives, it also presents quite a few challenges. I have a lot of trouble following group conversations, for instance. My mind wanders and that's it. I'm lost. As for odd replies, imagine the replies I have received when making a comment on something after the participants of the conversation have already moved on to other topics. My mind absolutely shuts down when I'm nervous and thus I've had problems with things from test taking to talking to a girl if I'm nervous -- and I'm always nervous around girls. That's probably fairly normal, but when my mind shuts down, it's difficult. There's more but I've said enough on that for now and besides, I try not to dwell too much on the negatives.

I will say that in another of my threads (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15026)
I brought to the table the theory that my ADD may have played quite a significant role in the development of my femininity and crossdressing. If the article I read was correct, my femininity and CDing could have arisen due to profound or total interference in the discipline, learning style, and social interaction that are supposedly most effective for boys -- more or less all of the basics of functioning as a boy. On top of that I was developmentally behind (small, immature, etc).

Anyway, I wouldn't change my femininity or CDing for the world now since they're simply too much a part of me to be extracted. It would be akin to remodeling a house by ripping out all of the bedrooms. It just doesn't work -- the house is then unlivable.

Hugs,
Lisa

[Stephanie Brooks]

Yes, this will probably deviate a bit.


I can somewhat relate to you and Marla, Stephanie. I, too, have a very high IQ and I have ADD. There are three types: Hyperactive, Inattentive, and Combined. I am the Inattentive type. While ADD has several positives, it also presents quite a few challenges. I have a lot of trouble following group conversations, for instance. My mind wanders and that's it. I'm lost. As for odd replies, imagine the replies I have received when making a comment on something after the participants of the conversation have already moved on to other topics. My mind absolutely shuts down when I'm nervous and thus I've had problems with things from test taking to talking to a girl if I'm nervous -- and I'm always nervous around girls. That's probably fairly normal, but when my mind shuts down, it's difficult. There's more but I've said enough on that for now and besides, I try not to dwell too much on the negatives.

Lisa, I checked your profile, expecting you were a programmer. :D Funny how some of us can do some amazing things with our brains and yet remain challenged with doing things others do naturally.

ADD. With me anyway, there are a lot of similarities to what you described, especially when commenting on a topic everyone else has dropped. For me it's a problem with listening. I listen, then I think. By the time I can respond, everyone else is off on something else.

I'll check out your thread. Thank you!!!!!!

[uknowhoo]

An Open Letter to Mz Gemima Duck.

My Dear, sweet Mz. Duck,

Well, I just don't know quite where to begin.

Having had several terrible bouts of rheumatiz lately, I had indulged in a overly generous dose of medication on the day in question. Now, with a clearer mind, I can see the aggregious error of my ways. So it is with the utmost sincerity, and more just than a twinge of embarassment, that I extend my heartfelt apology to you and other the other fine ladies of the forum, for my cruel and thoughtless commentary. Furthermore, I hereby pledge to redirect the tithing of 10% of my earnings to Eden and Panties, and to work tirelessly towards the advancement of the lofty goals of your organisation.

I can only pray that one day you will be able to forgive me.

Yours in panties,

(Ooh) Tammi