How important is it for you to feel comfortable with your Therapist?

[Wendy_Marie]

How important is it to you to feel comfortable with your Therapist? How important is it for the therapist to seem comfortable with you?
Some of you may know my story as I have recently come to terms with the facts that for me anyway…my dressing is more than just a hobby and is in fact something that I am working my way towards going on Hormone Therapy and living enfemme 24/7/365.
I started therapy back around the first week of February and my next appointment scheduled for Thursday will make my fifth session with this therapist. I presented as a male for my first two sessions and then with the help and assurances of several members of this forum I have attended my last two appointments dressed enfemme as Wendy.
I noticed the first time I attended session enfemme that my therapist seemed a little nervous and not nearly as talkative as he had been for the first two appointments which I attended dressed as a male. Again as some of you may remember I went through a bit of a crisis myself trying to decide on what to wear as I wanted to appear conservative with a well put together look…? I wore my best Jeans and a nice Black sweater as it rained very hard that day but, at the last minute I threw on a pair of 4” pumps and turned an otherwise casual conservative look into a very feminine outfit that seemed quite appropriate for the weather.
The second session I dressed for I wore a pair of denim Capri pants, my strappy sandals with freshly polished toes and a flirty looking Calvin Klein Tee shirt….I felt my attire was again casual and conservative but it seemed to me as though this took my Therapist off his A-game. And it seems that the more I attempted to talk openly about my need to dress and interact with others as a female to this man…the more he attempted to steer the conversation towards the male activities which I related to him in my first two sessions dressed male were interests of mine.
This therapist is new to this profession only recently having graduated school and being hired at this center, information which was related to me by the director of the center where I am a currently being seen at. I was told going in that if I had any issues or felt uncomfortable with being assigned someone so new in the field to my case to let her know and I would be assigned a different therapist. Now I don’t have a problem with giving anyone a chance…everyone has to start somewhere right? Plus, to me going to therapy isn’t necessarily about being in my comfort zone…I don’t want someone who is just going to agree with everything I say, I want real feedback.
That is why I asked in the beginning of this thread: How important is it to you to feel comfortable with your Therapist? How important is it for the therapist to seem comfortable with you?
Well, after giving this plenty of thought I have decided that the new guy deserves his three strikes before I make a final decision on asking for a new therapist or not…as far as I am concerned the last two visits has resulted in his garnering two strikes and I have decided that for my next appointment I am not going to make it easy on him.
If my being dressed enfemme is a problem for him then I am going to test out this theory by wearing the girliest most feminine clothing I have. I have this cute little black skirt that rides just above the knee, a pair of black pantyhose decorated with dots and a tight sage colored short sleeved sweater with a plunging neckline. Using the tape method I have fairly nice and believable cleavage in this sweater and I really love wearing it. In the interest of making an attempt to remain somewhat conservative in my appearance, plus since full on evening attire might look out of place before the lunch hour, I’m going to wear my black Mary Jane flats for comfort and throw on my cute little button up black sweater as it is supposed to be rather chilly on Thursday. I should have plenty of time that morning to apply my make up and style up my wig…and I intend to take full advantage of it.
This is going to be my acid test for the freshman therapist from this facility…if he acts weird or makes me feel uncomfortable then I think I am going to go to the director and take her up on her offer to have another therapist assigned to me…
Do you think that I am being unfair or unreasonable here? I would love to hear your comments.

[JenniferR771]

You should ask for a therapist who has training or experience in transgender issues. At the least try to find someone who has been to a seminar, taken a course, owns a book, any experience would be a help.

[Wendy_Marie]

The center which I am going to specializes in Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual and Transgender therapy...I was referred to them by the Gay and Lesbian Organization center here in my hometown...as i stated, h is new and I have been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Everone has to start somewhere but if he isn't comfortable with me, then I sure have a problem with him being the one who is documenting my case for HRT.

[Rachel Mari]

I think you're giving him the right chance. Another course would've been to talk to the director and give a status report of how it's going with him.

I think it is important that both you and the therapist feel comfortable with each other. I don't think there would any bad feelings if it was decided to get a different therapist.
Too bad that then you have to start over and get the new person up to speed.

Just my take on it.

[Chloe Renee]

You should be completely comfortable with your therapist. Otherwise you will hold up subconscious walls which will hamper your development. My therapist said to me " therapist are like shoes sometimes you need to try a few before one fits."
When I started therapy I went to my first two sessions in male mode. After that I started dressing how I wanted to be seen. The therapist commented on how much calmer I was, when I presented my true gender.

I also understand the situation of your therapist being new. Both my wife and I have gotten our therapy from the local LGBT center. Their therapists and counselors are grad students interning. Upside low cost easy to test drive different therapists if needed. Downside some therapists may not be comfortable with trans issues, or generally inexperienced. Myself, had no problems being part of a learning curve to help my brother and sisters.
Good luck hon.

[gwenbeth]

I think it is important to be comfortable with your therapist and they need to have a certain comfort level dealing with you. with my previous therapist, whom I had seen many times for other issues, when I told her that I was a crossdresser, she had this completely stunned look on her face. It was at that point I knew I needed someone else. My current therapist, rather than being uncomfortable with me dressed, actually suggested that I come to a session dressed. His comfort level help me with accepting and expressing my self.

but thats just my $0.02

[Christy_M]

If you are not comfortable with your therapist, you will have trouble communicating your feelings and/or thoughts. If you can't get there quick, you need to find another one. They are too expensive to settle.

[Maria in heels]

I have to say that I commend you on being able to remain calm and give the "green pea" 3 strikes before you call it quits. Imagine his choice of speciality, and it has to be something that you cannot learn in just a textbook. Maybe he is trying a bit too hard, and too much textbook, because if he is to asses you, he may be trying to steer you back into Male things to see how you will react. HE may not be as smooth as he should be in trying to "play out" these issues to see what you are really about, hence his strange "pushing" in certain directions. This is me just giving my opinion and the benefit of the doubt to this young person....

Overall, you must be comfortable with your therapist, but remember, you cannot be comfortable after only 5 visits...imagine an older, more seasoned therapist who would get along great with you, only to have you discover that he/she is just using their years of experience to "fool you"....

[Sarasometimes]

Trust your gut. I spent many $$ teaching therapists about CD's. I of course didn't realize it but I did wonder why I wasn't getting more understanding as to how to best manage it with my current lifestyle. I found a GLBT group and wow what a difference.

[Jennifer Sophia]

I think you need to feel comfortable talking to them and feel that they can actually help you. I recently saw a therapist for two sessions, during the second session I asked her if she had treated any transgendered before. She replied no, and while I liked her, I didn't think I would get adequate therapy from her because of that. It costs to much time and money to stick with someone and figure out 6 months down the road, its not going to work out.

[VtVicky]

You need another therapist right away. It sounds like more energy is going into playing "gotcha" games than into therapy. I would hope that he is getting professional supervision, so, it might be useful for you to discuss your discomfort with his supervisor.

I suppose someone could make a case that your transference/resistance issues should be part of your treatment. But, I would argue that, for whatever reason, (youth, inexperience, unresolved issues of the therapists own, etc.), your therapeutic interaction has been so colored, that it is past time for a change of therapist.

Every new therapist has to start somewhere. But, with you dressing to assualt his senses, he has lost control. He needs to learn from his mistakes, fix what needs to be fixed in his skills or techniques, and move on.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to expect to feel comfortable with your therapist. However, do you think that there might have been something you could have done to make things flow a bit easier? It is NOT your responsibility to make your therapist comfortable. But, purposly making him uncomfortable, seems to be a bit more confrontative than necessary. Is it possible that you are so threatend by therapeutic intimacy that you are driving him away?

Lots of possibilites. I think it could prove very therapeutic to discuss this interaction with your new therapist.

Good luck.

[sterling12]

BUT, before you dismiss this young man; I think you owe him a chance to "shift" his focus. Why don't you try an honest conversation with him about your feelings, and perhaps he will be smart enough to clarify how he is feeling. It is often called A Therapeutic "Relationship," and that's exactly what it is! Both of you need to try and understand The Other Person, and to explore this Transgendered Journey together. I personally feel that's the only way you can make it work. Perhaps with some candor, you two might just make a "good fit." A Good psychologist learns to help The Client help themselves, and acts as "A Facilitator" as you explore your particular Case.

Trust me, you could possibly get into a worse situation with an "Experienced" Clinician. They typically have a lot of preconceived ideas about what and whom we are. They have a tendency to try and come with their very own Pet Theory, which often involves a kind of "One Size Fits All View" about The Transgendered. Beware of People like that!

Either way it goes, if you have a worthwhile talk and interaction with him, you will never have to wonder if you somehow got it wrong! When and if, you make a change you won't be second-guessing yourself.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Gina X]

My Son is a qualified therapist and he told me the most important thing is to strike a rapport and it doesn't matter how many qualifications or diplomas they have rapport is the most important thing then of course they need to specialise a little in your particular type of problem HTH .....................

[Rogina B]

Like Sterling and Gina said..You have a WHOLE lot of talking to do,before you can have it work.Speak for a bit,and ask them what they are hearing and thinking..Engage them for real..test them to see if they are hearing you...I don't know what you are paying,but you have to feel you are getting what you want.

[noeleena]

Hi.

For me its about being who you are. if your not comforable in your self then its a total waste of time for two people .
Iv never ever been to a therapist . because im one strong woman & im in front of a lot of people with our groups. & talking with many people .

if you have selfesteem self assurance & selfworth & strong enough in your self in what you are as a person . then thats different. . if not then have some one who you trust & can be , as we say at home with.
For some they think they know what its like being trans the difference is they are not trans so really dont have a clue .

You know the saying if youv never ridden a horse till you do you have no idear let alone know .

There is another detail i see he may be in a better frame of mind if he has some one else with him & for both of you. another women in the room.
because in closed rooms a male would be better with a male as your presenting as a woman it can be unnerving for him just a thought ,

Dressing down may allso be better. not so much make up as he has to look at you while talking.
all the best

...noeleena...

[Wendy_Marie]

Well today turned out to be one of those Good and Bad days for me... One of the best days for my dressing and make up and even the therapy appointment went very well.....But for some reason my wife chose today to drop the bombshell and all but gave me an ultimatum. I say all but gave me the ultimatum to quit or she was leaving me because I asked her outright and she avoided the question.
I almost didn't go to therapy because of this but after thinking about it I finished my make up ain the car and went anyway.
My therapist didn't seem the least bit fazed with my dressing today so maybe he has just been having an off day or two?....I am going to stick with him though as he is already very familiar with my situation....I will just keep an eye out for those quirky little moments.
I did tell him about the issues with my wife and he asked me if my dressing was worth ending my marriage over? I told him that I didn't have an answer to that question at this time. He responded by saying that it would be useful for me to know and then after talking for a long while he recommended that I make a commitment to spend a trial period of between 2-weeks to a month....dressed and living as a female to see if this is what I really want to pursue. Hey, I am all for it, but I don't think to wife will be very keen on the idea. I am going to bring it up to her this evening though and see if she is willing (Which I already know the answer will be No.) So I intend to ask if she would want to take another trip back home vin the next few weeks to her families home in Georgia as she is always wanting to go for more visits anyway while I complete this excercise and sort through this... Wish me luck, cause I am going to need it.

[kimdl93]

I'm glad that today's visit with the therapist went well. I'm more than a little disheartened by the turn of events with your wife. Lets hope that you can be another place between ultimatums.

here's the therapists very reasonable question asked in slightly a different way - if not for the cross dressing - would you want to continue your marriage?

[gwenbeth]

Wendy
I really feel for you. My own marriage has pretty much crumbled apart. And while there was a lot that was not right in our relationship the crossdressing was the catalyst that finally made it broke apart. In part because the crossdressing finally got me seeing a therapist who diagnosed and helped me with my depression, thereby allowing me to realize how bad things were. And also in part because my wife's attitudes about me dressing made me unable to emotionally trust her. If you zapped me with a ray today that made me never want to crossdress or feel girly again, I would still be leaving because I have realized how bad she treats me and how she made me feel like I can't tell her anything without the fear of her using it against me somehow. So as for me, i would still leave her even without the crossdressing but I wouldn't be at this point without it.

You are going to have to look at your own relationship and make that call. Even though our spouses did not choose to be married to a crossdresser, and they have a right to be upset about that having been kept from them, it is their choice how they deal with it. So are you being treated with respect and sensitivity? or are you being treated badly? Do you notice that this is how she always treats you or is the way she is acting out of character? Does she seem open to compromise or has she taken an absolute stance?

If you just want to vent feel free to PM me

[chrissie]

Working in mental health I think that therapy, at some time, will be uncomfortable as we are 'challenged' and doing work about our thoughts, feelings and behaviour...

This work would be expected to be undertaken with respect, empathy and genuineness...

[Wendy_Marie]

My last therapy appointment did go well and I have decided that I am not going to ask for a new therapist at this time. The situation with my wife has taken a turn in a new direction....She finally told her own therapist about my dressing and has opened up a line of communication for her to openly discuss her feeling there.
she came home telling about all this and seems to havecalmed down for the time being any way...although I still remain guarded and uncertain....I am trying to remain open and communitive.