Who's boots are these? She asks.

[RenneB]

Whew. That was about the closest call I've ever had. The SO comes out of the master bedroom this evening with this pair of knee high boots and asks "Who's boots are these?" Ahhhhh.... I said, I picked them up at a thrift store for you to try on. She says no thanks and asked what I was going to do with them?

Oh, I don't know, how about if I like wearing them... Are you serious she replied? Ahhhh. long pregnant pause here.

No, dear I bought them for you. I thought you'd like to get back into heels.

Well okay she says but then says she doesn't want them. That's okay, I take them back and donate them. Quickly the boots (my most favorite pair of shoes) get placed in the bottom drawer of the dresser... for now.

Then to top it all off she closes with "it's better they are for me than you". Well, I think I have my answer if I'm going to come out. Ahhhh No.

Renne is getting a bit slopy. Too much stuff and it's leaking out. I'm going to have to come clean one of these days. Just not sure when...

Renne...........

[Maria in heels]

wow Rennee...that is some awakening that you just experienced. I hope that everything will work out for you

[Alice B]

It's time to have the talk. The sooner the better or it could lead to troubles down the road. I would bet that she already suspects.

[RenneB]

My heart is still racing. Almost like when my folks found my crumbled up leaves from a favorite green plant in a baggy. I came clean with them. They said don't do it in the house and keep it away from your siblings. Somehow, I just hit the edge of the universe and try to peer to the other side. I'll stay on this side for a while longer...

Renne.......

[Cynthia Anne]

Ouch! I agree with Alice! The "Talk" is going to happen anyway! So you should start it! If she starts it, there will be a rainy day in paradise!

[giuseppina]

Hello Renne

I agree. It's time for the Talk. The longer you leave it the more difficult and unpleasant it is likely to be.

Good luck. :hugs:

[Tanya C]

One thing is for sure, it will go much better if you tell before she makes another discovery.

[Eryn]

I agree with everyone above. You've been dishonest about the boots (you wear the same size?!) and this will come back to haunt you. OTOH, it can provide you with an opening topic for The Talk:

"Dear, I want to talk to you about the boots you found yesterday. I wasn't honest with you and it has been bothering me ever since..."

[Rogina B]

Most grownups don't need someone to pick out their footwear.You can hide your dressing desires out of marital survival,however,you need to get a whole lot better at it...

[Shari]

Do you think you subconciously left them where she could find them? If you think you did, it's time to come clean.

If not, you better get busy making sure the rest of your items are well hidden. No need for a replay if she finds a bra or pair of panties.

[Marcie R.]

I think you just received a reprieve and nothing more has to be said. My advice is to find a specific hiding place for all your special clothing. I found a special place in the basement furnace room, up in the rafters, behind some insulation. This has worked, for me, for several years.

[noeleena]

Hi, Renne .

I sure hope your baggy is long gone ,

As to boots . youv been put on notice . next time the fat hits the wall.

...noeleena...

[DonniDarkness]

yeah, hide if you must....but she already knows....and everyday you dont come clean will just make her more angry.....

For most SO's its the lying....not the dressing. Others who have had the talk will back me up on that fact

-Donni-

[Kittie]

It's my opinion that you shouldn't hide things. It will eat at you like a bot fly larvae in the brain. Especially if it has become an integral part of your life, like it does with so many.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

That was a close call.

[linda allen]

My advice is to find a specific hiding place for all your special clothing. I found a special place in the basement furnace room, up in the rafters, behind some insulation. This has worked, for me, for several years.

I was going to suggest the same thing. The dresser is not going to cut it. Rafters, above a dropped ceiling, false wall panel, attic, hidden in the garden shed, etc.

Since I haven't told my wife either, I'm not going to give you that advice. Each of us has to make that decision ourselves.

[RenneB]

Thanks sooo much girls. If I didn't have soooo much at stake here, I'd make it public knowledge. I so much want to come clean but since her first reaction was negitive, I don't see her being open minded.

In packing up yesterday, the boots just didn't fit. And gosh darn it, then blended in with the bedspread. I know the day will come when openness and honesty and forgiveness will reign, but for now the two lives need to be kept apart.

Oh yes, the baggy is long gone. Too many years peeing in a cup to remember what that stuff was like.

Thanks again for all the adivce. You gals are the best.

Renne (.)(.)

[kimdl93]

RenneB, there's a problem with "testing" your SO's reaction in this manner. The context is "who's boots are these". Worst case scenario for her is that someone else left her boots in your closet. Its already created a negative, threatening tone for any discussion that might follow. And that off the cuff comment "it's better they are for me than you", really isn't a fair indication of her reaction to cross dressing in general or to your cross dressing in particular. I think you owe her and yourself a grown-up, rational conversation to explore both her attitudes and your interests.

[darla_g]

This sounds like a terrible impasse. It sounds like crossdressing is a dealbreaker for your wife. All this stuff hiding things etc is prolonging the inevitable confrontation.

In the end after a discussion either she accepts this is part of you and wants to be with you or she will force you to quit. Then you have to make a decision about what you want to do.

Being deceitful like creating an elaborate hiding place if discovered is even a bigger issue should it be discovered. Just ask some of the GGs here.

Be aware if you do decide to have the "talk" that this site is an excellent source of experiences as a number of people have written about this. But expect the standard set of questions (eg.. Are you gay? . Do you want to become a woman? etc)

[Rianna Humble]

Whew. That was about the closest call I've ever had. The SO comes out of the master bedroom this evening with this pair of knee high boots and asks "Who's boots are these?" Ahhhhh.... I said, I picked them up at a thrift store for you to try on.

Sorry if I seem a kill-joy, I don't see this as a narrow escape, I see this as a lost opportunity to be honest.

Time and again we read from GG's that they got upset because of the dishonesty and were left wondering if their SO could lie about something like this, what else would they have lied about?

Your tale contains several missed opportunities to "have the talk", I just hope you don't come to regret that in the future.

[gwenbeth]

You do need to plan to have THE TALK with your wife. You need to be mentally prepared for every thing. Look over the numerous post here and know what questions you should expect your wife to ask and know your answers to them. And you must be prepared for a wide range of outcomes -- every thing from "great we can go shopping together" to "If I had know that about you, I never would have married you". And as things go on, be prepared for a lot of change. As the reality of it sets in your wifes attitude will probably change, and as you face your wife's reactions, your attitudes about dressing will probably change too.

One other thing to consider is the current state of your marriage. A strong healthy marriage will handle this better than one that is having problems. In my case, my marriage had a lot of issues and coming out to my wife (combined with me coming out of years of depression) has only served to break it apart.

i wish you the best

[Chickhe]

In may case I would say they are for my next halloween costume... I don't think she is ready for any of my female stuff to make it in the bedroom take away valuable realestate from my male stuff... seems like having it boxed up like my other hobbies is the right place for now and signals no change in lifestyle.

[JulieC]

Speaking abstractly here, and not picking on you ReneeB...

Too often we as CDers think we're getting away with something. It's often that case that people don't connect the dots, and just go on with their lives. But, people aren't dumb either. So many times I've seen stories here where a CDer has "the talk" only to find out that their wives have known for years. There was a recent one in fact, where the wife knew because every time she came back in from out of town, her clothes were a little out of place.

You can't see through other people's eyes. You have no idea what they are seeing, hearing, and finding. You can't know because you're not them. When you live with someone long enough, you get to know every detail of their lives. Everything from how often they cut their toenails, to whether they wad up their toilet paper or fold it, to whether they like catsup or mustard on their hot dog, to..to..everything under the sun AND moon. To think we can hide indefinitely, keep CDing hidden indefinitely...the chances are very, very low.

[Rachel05]

That's what got me caught eventually and you know the feeling of dread I used to have about being found out didn't turn out half as bad for real, my wife doesn't want any part, but at least I don't have to hide my things quite so deep, not that I was doing a good job anyway as I was found out!!!

[RADER]

You might want to put on the boots, when the two of you are alone, and just walk
up to her and ask "What do you think" maybe as a Ice breaker.
Then say I have something to tell you. Now if she is screaming through the roof
at this time, than just walk away until she calms down. But like others have said
in the posts above, It is time for THE TALK.
Good luck.

Rader

[Eryn]

You might want to put on the boots, when the two of you are alone, and just walk
up to her and ask "What do you think" maybe as a Ice breaker.

I completely disagree. Shocking someone is not a good way to ask for acceptance.

IMO, the way to approach it is to pick a quiet time when the two of you are alone and otherwise unstressed. Tell her that you're feeling bad about something and need to talk. That will put her in an empathetic mindset and then you can proceed to the talk.

Remember, talking is a two-way street. It is as important to listen to your wife as it is to tell her about your feelings. She will have doubts and fears, particularly about how far your activity extends. Address them, but don't promise anything you can't live with. "I don't know" is an acceptable answer if it is honest.

"The Talk" is a start. There will be many talks as you both work your way through the issue. Give her plenty of time to assimilate the situation. This is completely new for her and requires considerable adjustment. She probably won't have anyone to talk to about it except you. The FAB forum here might provide an outlet for her.

I wish you good luck.

Eryn

[Rachel Morley]

Then to top it all off she closes with "it's better they are for me than you". Well, I think I have my answer if I'm going to come out. Ahhhh No.
That sucks :( ... I hear you though. Before I was married, I had a GG friend (not even a girlfriend) who I thought about telling because I had the feeling she would be cool with it. Boy was I wrong. I was talking about the idea that I might wear some big hoop earrings and she made an "off hand" comment about how big hoops are are "only for girls" .... I was gutted :( This clearly shows as it does IMHO for your wife too that she is not open to the idea of a guy doing something that is socially thought of as "just for girls". :(

[Haley Heather]

I think you probably know your wife better than anyone here and should use that to decide how best to approach this subject and when, but with what I am understanding of this here boot ordeal I would have to agree that she probably suspects you of something.

[GG Kathy]

Renne, I have to say if she made the comment better for me than you she has her suspicions. When I had mine (suspicions) I did some searching and found out, and as previously stated I was more hurt by the deceit than the dressing. I think you may need to have the talk just make sure you keep telling her how much you love her.

[Gocaps14]

I came out to my wife several times, the first before we were married,with a positive reaction. That was what I needed. But as time went on, her views changed, mine didn't and more and more problems arose, until today where we are not in a good place.

[AshleyJones]

The only people that know about me are my best friend two ftm guys from my old high school the last girl friend I had knew that i had multiple gay/ lesbian and a couple of trans friends. I "jokingly" said on a few occasions after said friends had been brought up "what would you think if I were trans?" she flat out said each time that she wouldn't be able to handle that. For two and a half years I never said a thing about my being trans. we recently broke up and I still haven't told her. The worst parts are that every now and then she would claim that I act like such a woman and I would just play it off with a sarcastic thanks as if i didn't appricaite it while inside I was screaming "if only you knew" and that occasionally I browse photography of women on art websites and fantasize about looking the way they do (admittedly some of it would be nude photos honestly only artistic not porn) when she would find that i was looking at said photography I forced to let her believe I was just being a pervert and sit through the ensuing argument for fear that the truth would be much worse.


I came out to my wife several times, the first before we were married,with a positive reaction. That was what I needed. But as time went on, her views changed, mine didn't and more and more problems arose, until today where we are not in a good place.
I truly hope things work out Gocaps14

[JulieC]

Renne, I have to say if she made the comment better for me than you she has her suspicions. When I had mine (suspicions) I did some searching and found out, and as previously stated I was more hurt by the deceit than the dressing. I think you may need to have the talk just make sure you keep telling her how much you love her.

Renne, read this and take it to heart. Once a person begins to suspect, they may start looking in earnest. And as the lady I'm quoting agrees shows an example of, most women married to CDers are more hurt by the heaped upon lies than the CDing itself. Putting on a pair of your own pantyhose isn't a breaking of trust. Hiding the pantyhose is.

You know your wife better than anyone here, but I suspect as do many here that she already has an inkling. What you do with that knowledge is up to you.

[JenniferR771]

I think her comments were a hint that she suspects. However they are also a hint that she does not approve. Could be worse. Be ready for the talk, but a little gradualism might be helpful. Wear some pantyhose in the winter"for warmth"--judge how she reacts.
Start wearing lip balm, using women's deoderant, knee highs under your sneakers. Shaving your armpits. Girly cologne. T-shirt with kittens--she will give you a signal--be ready to be a receiver. Go long.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Reene, I've got a bad feeling that this isn't going to end well.

Orchid

[Fab Karen]

The more lies you tell, the harder the excrement will hit the fan.
And using places like "the bottom drawer" is asking to get caught.

[TGMarla]

Sigh. You should really just sit her down and tell her. It's a tough, nasty thing, but you really ought to do it. I tried very hard to conceal it all, and I didn't manage to do it. My wife knows, doesn't get it, doesn't like it much, and doesn't talk about it with me. But our marriage is as good or better now than it ever was. I know everyone's different, but it's a lot easier on you if it isn't a huge secret.

[RenneB]

Y'all are just a wealth of information and advice.

I really appreciate the chat girls on this issue. Each of you have made a real and profound statement on laying it all out on the table. I don't know if it's my vast compartmentalization of relationships over the years, of which having Renne wear comfy clothes is just one, or it's the fact that givin' the odds of keeping the house and this way of life or living in an appartment paying alimony, I'm going to go with the "we'll have the chat.... later". Not sure when, but I will get there.

We have a few other irons in the first, non-CD related, that need to be resolved. In the next two months those should be answered and then it'll be a topic.

The right place at the right time. I'm an enginerd by education and career and you should have seen the maticulous planning just to get down on one knee and ask for her to marry me. I had everything planned out from the dinner to the limo to the ring but what I couldn't plan was the answer. Back then, I could handle the 50/50 chance of her saying yes or no. The stakes weren't that high. No and I get the ring back, I'm out the charge for the limo and dinner, but that's it. Yes and I'm in for the time of my life.

Thanks again girls and I will keep y'all in the loop as this moves forward...

Renne.....

[linda allen]

If your wife finds women's clothes in your house, she has to think one of two things - they are yours or they belong to some woman you're bringing to the house (an affair). Neither is good.

[Jessica_Dillon]

Renee, she already knows. Time to come clean. In fact, her comment, "Better they are for me that you" was probably her way of letting you know she is aware, and was giving you a chance to be honest. You'll read it all over this forum. Our SOs are far more clever than we think, and we are not nearly as good at covering up as we believe. She didn't hit the wall so far, so you're probably going to be safe to sit and talk to her. I'm also assuming that you and your wife don't wear the same size shoe, and she probably also noticed that the boots were way too large for her. Give her the credit she deserves and talk to her.

[vickyv]

Damm. She knows. How you deal with it is the question. Still in the closet here,

[jonie]

If you don't lose the boots and she finds them you'll have the talk on her terms. Warning