Crossdressing dads and dads to be

[chloe_cross]

Hi everyone. Long time reader, first time poster.

So a little about me: Life long part-time CD. Recently married and expecting. My wife knows and accepts, but doesn't really support it. And so far I have been OK with that. After dressing with her a number of times, we decided that I would only dress when she is out. I have also explored my sexuality (before meeting her of course) and know that I not only prefer women, but have found one that I love enough to bring a little one into this world.

My question is: How do CDing dads reconcile their feeling towards dressing with feelings toward fatherhood?

We have about two months until our daughter joins us and I have been going through something. I usually dress to the nines with wigs, heels, hose, corset, and a full outfit, but lately I have been sneaking one or two items when she's asleep. I almost got caught wearing heels in the kitchen while doing dishes late one night. I have also been drinking a little more than usual which I think may be a vain attempt to quell these urges. That part is what worries me the most. I have the utmost confidence that I will not be drinking with a baby here, but I'm not sure what will happen with the urge to dress.

Any advice would be helpful.

[kimdl93]

Number 1. Don't be drinking to manage other desires, particularly if you've consumed enough to impair your judgement. Believe me - I know this from painful personal experience.

Number 2. There's nothing to reconcile between the desire to dress and parenthood. Yes, you may not be quite as free to dress as you are now, once the little one is around, but this child, and your marriage SHOULD and MUST always be your top priority in life.

Number 3. I don't know about the circumstances when you dressed with your wife. Maybe over time you can come to some other level of compromise. This can change if you keep the conversation going and remain empathetic to her needs and feelings.

[Christy_M]

I treat this like any other part of my life where I am not out...I try not to put myself in a situation where I will get caught. When my 4 year old caught me in boots with 3 inch heels She told me I was supposed to wear my own shoes to which I replied "these are my shoes." I say this to say when you take chances you might get caught and then have to do damage control. I am not strong enough to quell the urges so I try to minimize chances to get caught. I hope this helped but after reading my response it seems to be ram ling...Good luck either way and congrats on the new addition.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Hi everyone. Long time reader, first time poster.

So a little about me: Life long part-time CD. Recently married and expecting. My wife knows and accepts, but doesn't really support it. And so far I have been OK with that. After dressing with her a number of times, we decided that I would only dress when she is out. I have also explored my sexuality (before meeting her of course) and know that I not only prefer women, but have found one that I love enough to bring a little one into this world.

My question is: How do CDing dads reconcile their feeling towards dressing with feelings toward fatherhood?

We have about two months until our daughter joins us and I have been going through something. I usually dress to the nines with wigs, heels, hose, corset, and a full outfit, but lately I have been sneaking one or two items when she's asleep. I almost got caught wearing heels in the kitchen while doing dishes late one night. I have also been drinking a little more than usual which I think may be a vain attempt to quell these urges. That part is what worries me the most. I have the utmost confidence that I will not be drinking with a baby here, but I'm not sure what will happen with the urge to dress.

Any advice would be helpful.

You are going to have problems. You said "we" decided, then 'you' started 'sneaking'. Big warning flag here.

You are drinking now, you will be drinking when the baby arrives then soon after.

The 'urge' will be there.

You should honor your spouses agreement.

Kelly

[Sophie86]

Number 1. Don't be drinking to manage other desires, particularly if you've consumed enough to impair your judgement. Believe me - I know this from painful personal experience.

Number 2. There's nothing to reconcile between the desire to dress and parenthood. Yes, you may not be quite as free to dress as you are now, once the little one is around, but this child, and your marriage SHOULD and MUST always be your top priority in life.

Number 3. I don't know about the circumstances when you dressed with your wife. Maybe over time you can come to some other level of compromise. This can change if you keep the conversation going and remain empathetic to her needs and feelings.

I agree with the above.

I am out with my wife and to a certain extent with my children. They know that I dress, but I don't hang out around the house dressed up with them here. I'm not sure if that will ever change. My feeling now is that when I'm around them I should be 'Dad'. I got out dressed, though, and that means they will see me as I'm getting ready to walk out the door. The only comment this got last time was from my son. When I walked out of the bedroom in my skirt and blouse, he said: "He's doing it again!" Other than that, they didn't make a big deal out of it.

[RachelOKC]

Chloe, I'd recommend that the first thing you do is try to reconcile your TG identity with your wife. I think that's probably a bigger issue since sneaking around doesn't exactly imply a positive situation for either of you. If you're compensating for your feelings and needs by drinking, then you really might want to consider talking to a therapist. Working things out between you and your wife first is a much surer way to happiness with the children later on.

IMHO, there is nothing wrong with crossdressing or being TG in general so there is nothing wrong with your children knowing - period. There is no need to live in shame, especially as far as the family is concerned. I'm not just saying it, I live it. My 2 year old sees, knows, and has been with me on all sorts of outings. The kiddo is starting to ask questions and we answer as honestly and forthrightly as possible. Difficult? Certainly. Embarassing? Sometimes. Knowing that I'm teaching him diversity and respect for others? Some of my proudest moments.

Early congratulations, and get lots of sleep now while you still can.

[Kiera79]

This is my take on the situation, I have three ages 10,6,4 the oldest is my daughter and even when I dress she calls me daddy. My sons same. They don't care as long as Im here for them. My family and friends are there no matter how i present. Every one is different in how they accept things, its all in the upbringing. When we are born we know nothing except the main things eat, deficate, sleep and cry. We are taught by our family's what is right and wrong. So it is up to US as parents to teach our kids the right way to live. As for your situation hiding is never good at all. Nor is going behind her back doing something she asked you not to while she is home. Also drinking never solves a problem it just masks the issue you are trying to deal with. Talk to her and tell her how you feel and go from there.

[bimini1]

I have a 3 month old. There has been some additional guilt about it since she has come into our world. I feel she is entitled to life without having to deal with this confusion. I tried to dress with her and my wife upstairs but feel some shame for having to hide from my own daughter during that time. There is something that does not sit right with me about that.

[Diana Rae]

Never crawl into the bottle for any reason. It simply makes things worse. When the little one comes, I guess it would be ok to dress during the very early years, but you might want to rethink it later on. You have to consider ridicule from other children. This, unfortunately, is a fact of life. Just my $.02 worth from an old broad.

[Chastitycd]

Youre probably not gonna like what I have to say but....sounds to me like you have a few issues to deal with and not just the OP question. When you say "we compromised" and then say now that youre sneaking around, that tells me you and youre wife didnt compromise at all, she told you what she wanted and you gave in. If it was trully what you wanted then you wouldnt be altering your habbits. Ive gotta ask, did your wife know about your crossdressing before you were married? You will find a split vote all over this forum on hiding things and whether its ok or not. This is my opinion take it or leave it, but if your wife knew about your deisre to CD and married you why did she change the rules? If she didnt know and you came "out" to her later then this is something you are gonna have to deal with since you hid this from her and im sorry to say but lived a lie until you did tell her. I cringe when I read these posts that talk about hiding and lying to SO's, its no way to live your life and remember you only get one life. Once youve lived it you better be happy with how it went cause theres no going back. I would say you and your wife needs a night out somewhere you can be alone and talk for a while (take the opportunity now before the baby comes cause there wont be alot of chances to go out afterwards) and you and her need to make this decision. Im afraid though you may not find a right or wrong answer as theres pros and cons to each side. I wish you the best of luck and hope you dont hate me for what ive said, but its my opinion. And stay away from the bottle.....its bad....and it takes away money that you could be spending on your wardrobe! :)

[Annaliese]

One start to drink to reconcile to something wrong, not your crossdressing but the sneaking. You love your wife then keep the agreement with her untell it can be change. The more you sneak the more you will drink, babys and drinking never mixs.
Most of what you are hearing is from experince, we learned the hard way.

[JohnH]

1. Don't drink to the point where you lose your judgement. i got very argumentative with my wife about my crossdressing while I was intoxicated, and I could have done something wrong with injuring my wife. I am now very careful of how much I drink if at all these days.

2. Don't hide your crossdressing activities from anyone. Keep it open if you do it.

3. Remember men wearing traditionally feminine clothes is considered "crossdressing" only because society says it is. Your children can get used to your wearing dresses, heels, etc. It is really not good the constraints men endure of what they can wear or how they groom themselves.

Johanna

[RachelOKC]

This is my take on the situation, I have three ages 10,6,4 the oldest is my daughter and even when I dress she calls me daddy. My sons same.

I'm Daddy to my son also, even in girl mode. Mommy is Mommy, not me. We may work something different in the future, but for now Daddy is it. A TS friend worked out with her wife for their son to call them Mommy M and Mommy T.


I have a 3 month old. There has been some additional guilt about it since she has come into our world. I feel she is entitled to life without having to deal with this confusion. I tried to dress with her and my wife upstairs but feel some shame for having to hide from my own daughter during that time. There is something that does not sit right with me about that.

Bimini, she's entitled to have parents who don't feel shame about who they are, especially when they aren't doing something wrong. If you teach her right, she'll respect you all the more for you being yourself - not someone somebody else wants you to be.


When the little one comes, I guess it would be ok to dress during the very early years, but you might want to rethink it later on. You have to consider ridicule from other children. This, unfortunately, is a fact of life.

Ridicule is indeed a fact of life and the fear of such is why so many TG's hide in shame. Rather than a make misguided and probably fruitless attempt to protect my children, I'd rather teach them to stand up for their rights and the rights of others. Name calling hurts but pride makes up for it a lot. It's never too early to teach what is right.

[Anne2345]

I have a 6 year old daughter, and I can honestly say that parenthood is amazing. I would not trade it for anything in the world. That said, the decision to tell one's child, in my opinion, is strictly a personal decision, and must be weighed against a variety of factors. Whatever a child hears or sees, that child will ultimately, and innocently so, report it to someone else. As much as I would love to live in an accepting society, that is simply not the reality where I live. As a result, right or wrong, both my wife and I have made the decision not to expose our daughter to my CDing or tell her about it at this age, or anytime in the near future. That is not to say that one day, when she is older and more mature, that we won't address it then. We may. But until and unless that day comes, my wife and I are otherwise doing our absolute best to raise her as a kind, accepting, understanding and tolerant person.

Consequently, however, I am more careful about Anne and her appearances. Sometimes it's after my daughter goes to bed. Sometimes my wife will take her out somewhere for a few hours. Regardless of when and under what circumstances, I find time for Anne, and it works out quite well. Having a family and a child is the most fulfilling experience of my life. And with Anne completely alive and kicking, it's all the better!

It just occurred me - there is a huge downside to my method of parenting. I wear socks to cover my toes when I am with my daughter. Talk about a huge personal sacrifice . . . . Sigh. :(

[ReineD]

Number 1. Don't be drinking to manage other desires, particularly if you've consumed enough to impair your judgement. Believe me - I know this from painful personal experience.

Number 2. There's nothing to reconcile between the desire to dress and parenthood. Yes, you may not be quite as free to dress as you are now, once the little one is around, but this child, and your marriage SHOULD and MUST always be your top priority in life.

Number 3. I don't know about the circumstances when you dressed with your wife. Maybe over time you can come to some other level of compromise. This can change if you keep the conversation going and remain empathetic to her needs and feelings.

Chloe, please read this again, especially point number 3. You need to work towards your wife and you being on the same page. It might not happen overnight, but I can't tell you how important it is to do this. Not only for your marriage, but for your child. Kids pick up on everything and you do not want to raise your child in an environment where there is sneaking around and hidden resentments. And drinking. Which brings us to point number 1. This is equally important.[/QUOTE]

[chloe_cross]

Thank you all for you kind words of encouragement and tough love that I needed to hear. I will make strides to change my bad habits (drinking) and deal with my urge to dress.

A lot of you stated that it sounded like a one way compromise when "we" decided that I would only dress when she is out. this is so very true. But it is also the truth that we fell in love quickly and when I told her about Chloe, I almost lost her. So the idea of redefining is frightening as well.

I'm not sure on where I stand oon whetered or not my baby wu

[SusieK]

Chloe,
I agree with most of the advice given so far. I have another suggestion to add, assuming it's agreed with openness. Everyone is entitled to some 'me time' whether that is for cross-dressing or more conventional hobbies (yes, I realise that for CDing 'hobby' doesn't cover it). There's no doubt that finding 'me time' gets way more difficult with babies and young children around, and their needs should always come first. However, if that is to the detriment of your well-being, then it will prevent you from being the best parent you can be. If you can have scheduled time for you, time when your wife can do her thing, and time when just the two of you can be together, then for the majority of the time when you are a family together you will be able to focus with all your heart. Hopefully in terms of CDing, a schedule would give you something to look forward to, and quell the urges to sneak.

[eluuzion]

hiya cc,

It appears you may be confusing New Year's resolutions with expecting a baby, :heehee:.

Sounds like you are going through the pre-fatherhood paranoia stage, where you question your ability to live up to whatever expectations you have decided to burden yourself with. Just make sure you are worth more alive than dead, and you will be just fine, :D.

Children are complicated, but the commitment is not. It is actually pretty straight forward...they always come first...period. Every decision is one that is guided by selecting the course of action which results in the best possible interests (outcomes) of/for your child. Regardless of the capabilities or moral compass of the the mother involved, your duties are to step up and do whatever needs to be done to give your child what she/he needs to enable her/him to flourish in a cognitively and emotionally supportive and stable environment.

It is a full time 100% commitment, not a series of compromises based upon the daily weather and trying to "juggle" your own personal agenda and interests.

You are all in or you are not. In my mind, it requires making that one decision of being "in" or "out" and backing up your decision with personal integrity and character. It was an easy decision for me 18 years ago. I've never regretted it and never will.

but that is just me...

Good Luck...:hugs:

:love:

[cdbrandi]

Hey,
I am married and we have a 2 year old girl. I get dressed up to an extent almost every day depending on what I am going to be doing (I am a stay at home dad as I was recently disabled and can not go back to work right now). My wife and I talked about this before the our daughter was born and we came to the conclusion that if she sees me dresses as a guy and as a girl on a regular basis it will just be normal for her and not something strange, so that is how we have been dealing with it for the last 2 years.

[Lucy_Bella]

Chole,
Story is very simular to how mine was over 25 years ago ( except question of my sexuality ). I've been a father 3 times over now , my wife knew of my desirers AND AT FIRST I could dress in front of her. Soon I was not able to dress anymore and to be honest the birth of my first child took the desires away for some time.

But of course in time the desires came back and my wife ( with no understanding ) would have nothing at all to do with it..Ihad to keep it hidden and when she caught any sign I was doing it ..Well it just drove a wedge into our marriage .. I finished raising our children in fact I still have my youngest and my Grand child with her husband still living with me ..My wife and I have been seperated for over 3 years now and I will never go back to keeping any of my desires hidden from her or anyone else I choose to have a relationship with.

Good luck and congrats on the new daughter..

[RenneB]

To bring a child into this world is one of the greatest joys of my life. I'm tearing up just writing about it.... You will look into their eyes for the first time and see God. It's really a miracle. With a teen girl and a preteen boy, I know what I'm talking about. You will then find a new emotion. It's called the parental protection mode. Something I never thought I'd see as I had only heard about. You will sacrafice your own life to save theirs. Really it's that amazing.

I'd dump the bottle as for me it only adds calories. After a few beers, I tend to forget that I can't fit into my lil' black dress and the next time I get in the comfy clothes ... I was right. Diet Coke and power bars for me.

The wife thing and coming out, well I'm not going to weigh in on that one as I feel to each her own. That is do what you want when you want to. No one right way or answer as I see it.

Renne.....

[GingerLeigh]

Number 1. Don't be drinking to manage other desires, particularly if you've consumed enough to impair your judgement. Believe me - I know this from painful personal experience.

Number 2. There's nothing to reconcile between the desire to dress and parenthood. Yes, you may not be quite as free to dress as you are now, once the little one is around, but this child, and your marriage SHOULD and MUST always be your top priority in life.

Number 3. I don't know about the circumstances when you dressed with your wife. Maybe over time you can come to some other level of compromise. This can change if you keep the conversation going and remain empathetic to her needs and feelings.

I agree wholeheartedly. The kids are always FIRST IN EVERYTHING. Quell your desires, it will be neccessary at least until the baby goes to school and you have some private time. Unless you have somewhere else to do it privately. Booze=bad. Poor way to control your urges. It can become a habit which is worse than the dressing. Go online, read here or anywhere that tickles your fancy. It isn't fully dressing but it helps.

[Sophie86]

So much has been said about putting the children and wife first that I want to push back on that a little. My wife and children are extremely important to me, but it's understood within that context that I have my needs too, and a right to a certain amount of "me time." My wife and I also need time for ourselves away from the children, and the children have to learn that there are limits to what they can demand of other people. Otherwise, they'll end up being spoiled brats who think that the rest of the world owes them a living.

So that's just me pointing out that making other family members your top priority shouldn't mean that you live like a slave to their whims. Don't forget what you owe to yourself. :)

[RachelOKC]

So much has been said about putting the children and wife first that I want to push back on that a little. My wife and children are extremely important to me, but it's understood within that context that I have my needs too, and a right to a certain amount of "me time." My wife and I also need time for ourselves away from the children, and the children have to learn that there are limits to what they can demand of other people. Otherwise, they'll end up being spoiled brats who think that the rest of the world owes them a living.

So that's just me pointing out that making other family members your top priority shouldn't mean that you live like a slave to their whims. Don't forget what you owe to yourself. :)

Well said Sophie. If you give everything and leave nothing for yourself then what kind of parent will you be?

GingerLeigh, why is it necessary to quell your desires and / or do it privately if you're not doing something wrong? I just can't buy in to the concept that there is something wrong with one's children having knowledge of the parent's crossdressing.

I understand that some people have much to lose by being out or outed but our culture of silence, secrets, and shame only contributes to that. Teach the children love, openness, respect, and pride and they'll do that in the future. Teach 'em silence, secrets, and shame and they'll probably do that too.

[Lorileah]

My question is: How do CDing dads reconcile their feeling towards dressing with feelings toward fatherhood?



I don't believe that wearing certain clothing would preclude you from being a father. That is a biological function. Now being a "dad" is totally different.

Dad's teach their children right from wrong. Dads teach their children to be tolerant, helpful, kind, caring, loving. Dads show that it isn't what you see outside that counts it is what you can "see" inside. The child won't look at you after it is born and say "Man...who is that and why is he wearing a dress." They just really don't care as long as you hold them, feed them and care for them. Do the clothes keep you from that? There are many here who would say that the clothes would actually make you a better dad because as we know the magic material found in women's clothing automatically make you more maternal. Ok, you know that isn't true, so why do you believe that what you wear will make you a better or worse father? Does your brain change?

We can't change your wife's mind because she has been told and taught that a man who wears women's clothes is bad in some manner. Even though deep down inside she knows that isn't true of you. And maybe with time and observance of how you act like a dad, no matter HOW you are dressed, she will see that the dressing is not a threat to her or anyone. But the child, you have the opportunity to mold, to show the wonders of the world beyond the sphere of your community. You have an awesome opportunity here to make your child a loving caring person.

Any man can be a father, that isn't a hard thing to do, it just takes 30 seconds usually, but you have the ability to be a dad now, not one who teaches or shows intolerance and hate but one who can show what a great and diverse world we live in. The clothes are not a bad thing. It is a learned response to fear and ignorance. Drinking to excess IS a bad thing as it can lead to health issues and mental problems. Choose your battle here. Be a father? Be a dad.

[GingerLeigh]

Well said Sophie. If you give everything and leave nothing for yourself then what kind of parent will you be?

GingerLeigh, why is it necessary to quell your desires and / or do it privately if you're not doing something wrong? I just can't buy in to the concept that there is something wrong with one's children having knowledge of the parent's crossdressing.

I understand that some people have much to lose by being out or outed but our culture of silence, secrets, and shame only contributes to that. Teach the children love, openness, respect, and pride and they'll do that in the future. Teach 'em silence, secrets, and shame and they'll probably do that too.

Then your level of comfort is greater than mine. I don't think my kids need to know about my crossdessing. It has always been, and will continue to be a private affair. If you plan on have total freedom to walk thorugh the house enfemme with family around, then I guess they better know about you. I have no such intentions, so it is unneccesary to chirp a word. You can still teach your children about love, respect, acceptance and tolerance. You don't have to be a crossdesser.

Ginger

[Lorileah]

You can still teach your children about love, respect, acceptance and tolerance. You don't have to be a crossdesser.

Ginger

true that. You don't have to be a CD to teach your children. BUT by hiding it you are implying that there is something morally or ethically or legally wrong also. It is a subtle way of teaching when you hide. It can extend to other matters in the child's life. Isn't it lying by omission? Is that a good thing to show or teach your child? Hey it's ok kid, just don't get caught. but daddy why is it wrong? because the world says so, but it is harmless One thing that the members of this forum could benefit from is not being ashamed about what they do. That is a learned response. It is a learned response to someone else's ignorance. By sneaking and hiding you imply what you do is wrong. Do you believe you are a bad person? Do you believe that what you are doing is wrong? If that is what you believe shouldn't you stop doing it? If in your heart you believe you should not do something then you should not do it, even in secret. You don't have to tell the world but you should tell those who are close to you and many here don't give children enough credit in many instances. They are smarter and more willing to learn than we think they are.

[Byron]

So much has been said about putting the children and wife first that I want to push back on that a little. My wife and children are extremely important to me, but it's understood within that context that I have my needs too, and a right to a certain amount of "me time." My wife and I also need time for ourselves away from the children, and the children have to learn that there are limits to what they can demand of other people. Otherwise, they'll end up being spoiled brats who think that the rest of the world owes them a living.
So that's just me pointing out that making other family members your top priority shouldn't mean that you live like a slave to their whims. Don't forget what you owe to yourself. :)

Very much agree with this point of view. :)

[JohnH]

Ginger,

I wish to say in my opinion in no uncertain terms, do one of two things:
1. If you crossdress DO NOT HIDE IT.
2. If you cannot crossdress openly, DON'T DO IT AT ALL.

Crossdressing in secret is destructive - people can sense that you are hiding things from them and if they ever discover you, the results are devastating.

Johanna

[Ericka2]

Ouch! I adore my children and will never do anything to hurt them, emotionally or physically, therefore, I will wait until they reach 18 to tell them, in the mean time, I chew my own tail.......

[LeeAnnRose]

Chloe,
I know just how you feel on this. I think you have gotten some really good advice so far. These are separate events. There is the CD'ing and your relationship with your wife, there is the fatherhood, there is your dressing, and there is drinking.

Let me start with the kid. Your life will change, period. The decision between you and your wife is will the CD'ing be known to your child. My wife and i decided it would not. I don't live in a place where this behavior is easily accepted so keeping it on the DL is a good idea.

This of course comes to getting better rules with your wife. I know I think I have things down to what is ok and not ok, but it is still a subject I am not entirely comfortable with around her. . . .(wait before you answer)

I would be lying if I told you I didn't grab some of the hooch myself. Sometimes it is just not feasible to dress-up and relax...or clean the house...or do work...so having a drink or two to take the edge off and trying to get to bed early is a trade-off. I did start drinking a little more heavily at one point and it was mentioned to me by the wife. It led to a conversation of why, which helped keep conversations in the open and stress a little lower.

Maybe if your wife takes a day trip with the baby to Mom's or you snag a day off you can get some longer dressing time to make you more comfortable for those times you can't dress.

Hope it helps, if only a little.

(Oh and that wait part, grab yourself a therapist. Before you go in, inform yourself. Be ready to talk about where you are and what you are feeling. You are there to make your decisions, they are there to listen. They should not tell you what you will be doing, but they should be helping you get to where you need to go.)