Exhausted trying to tell the world who you are?

[Sejd]

I get exhausted running my head against the constant negotiations in partnership about how, where and when I can be this beautiful part of myself. Does anyone else feel this struggle?
Although my wife is very understanding, It's still pretty much a solitary life for this girl. I know it can't be different. Why? because we have to accept the limitations of our partners or get out!!!! I have chosen to stay in, so I'm stuck in this situation. How do you all deal with living with a chosen partner who can't stand your fluffynes?
:D

[Katesback]

Sounds like you could just as well put this post in the crossdresser forum. I know I sould harsh but the fact is you have made a decision and now have to live with it. The problem is whining about it wont do you any good and you wont get any sympathy from me. You just have to go pretend to be a boy for the rest of your life and enjoy it! Very simple when you think of it.

Katie

[Sejd]

I really resent that post.

[Steph.TS]

I'm afraid I don't know what to do in your situation, I am weighing my options carefully, I don't date, I'm single, and I'm doing ALOT of thinking about my future, it may cause me troubles, but I need to work this out for myself as well.

[Zenith]

Look closely at the life you have. Realize that you stand to lose some or all of it by transitioning. And ask yourself if female is what you truly are. If you can be happy expressing your feminine side in other ways then take it as a compromise and be happy for those moments.

Few of us escape transition without pieces to be picked up at the end...

[BreenaDion]

Ya I agree Zenith,seams my wife likes me better when im not so dressed in frills. I am just another woman trying not to attract attenion too. Just to fit in, but she does like it when im dressed up more at home in private but thats a rarity cuz i dont have that fetish any more.
Breena.

[Melody Moore]

The problem is whining about it wont do you any good and you wont get any sympathy from me. You just
have to go pretend to be a boy for the rest of your life and enjoy it! Very simple when you think of it.


I really resent that post.
Sometimes we all need to hear things that we don't want to hear, so I have to agree 100% with Kate.

Either you get use to your life which requires you have have to live in 'boy mode' or get out. Your life is
only as difficult as you are making it, If your decision was to stay in a difficult relationship then that is
YOUR PROBLEM & no one else's I am afraid to say. Stop wallowing in self-pity like a whale & fix the issue.

Sedj, you have reached the crisis point in your life that all transsexuals arrive at where we have to choose
between happiness and ongoing un-happiness. Your happiness will mean that you lose a special person you
care about, but at the same time you will also be losing someone who obviously does NOT support you!!!!!

The contradiction here is in your own statements - you say your wife is understanding, but she cannot stand
your 'fluffynes' apparently. So the truth is she is not so understanding & accepting of you as a woman at all!
So when are you going to accept that your wife will NEVER accept you as being a female? There is no use in
trying to hide it now she knows the 100% truth about who you really are, so repressing it will not help anyway.

If someone really loves you unconditionally, then they believe in you and support you 200%. If your wife says
that she loves you but only if you stay as a male, then that is conditional love and that isn't healthy for you
or your relationship. I have never known anyone to be truly happy being in such a relationship, so this is why
you need to start working out what is best for you. You also need to work out if the need to have your wife
in your life is based on an 'emotional dependence', which I think in your case, it is. Sorry if you resent my
comment, but these are the things you need to start looking a lot more closely at & figuring out for yourself.

Ending a relationship is not easy and its down-right scary, but we have to weigh up the pros & cons about
about what we are really getting out of the relationship and work out if it is really beneficial to both parties
to stay in the relationship. In your case I really see little to no benefit at all to staying in this relationship.

First of all you are both unhappy and this is the main reason I think your relationship is more about convenience, or
a need or some type of dependence. With you I am starting to believe that it is 'emotional dependence' because this
is the hardest aspect of any relationship for anyone to work out and get over. Emotional dependence is the biggest
stumbling block for us to overcome to truly be set free. I see it here with some girls who seem very dependant still on
their families and I also see the same stumbling block in your situation which I have followed now closely for months.

I ended a relationship as well just prior to starting my transition, we ended up back together again, but we split up
again later because my partner was not willing to make that social transition that goes along with being in a lesbian
relationship. So I have lots or understanding on all the emotions and issues you face from being in a relationship to
being single again and I am willing to help you understand them all & deal with them. However before you even begin
you have to decide what is more important to you - your relationship with your wife or the happiness of both of you?

So my first question is, do you honestly believe that both you & your wife can ever truly be happy staying together?


she does like it when im dressed up more at home in private
This sounds exactly like the situation with Sedj, this is tolerance, this is NOT 100% true acceptance and this
is why I have brought up the issue about the sexual & social transition that our partners have to go through
in every single relationship where a partner makes the decision to transition. We cannot force our partners
to go through this - if they choose to do it, it must be of their own free will. To expect your partner just
to agree to it is outright selfish & self-centred on your part. If you truly love your wife - then set her free!

How many heterosexual males out there would be tolerant of their wives wanting to transition female to male?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I think Kate is being cruel in her manner of speaking...apparently over the years since I met her, she has moved from being outspoken to being vicious....i wonder Kate if you are going through some of your own stuff...most people that are happy and comfortable with themselves are not so mean and cruel to others..

HOWEVER
The fact that the comment is bitter and mean does not mean it's a false concept..
Sejd, trying to keep the marraige together is a good thing...but what i have seen over and over again is the ts spouse slowly realizing the depths of their predicament...over our years, we older ts's dig this deep hole..and when we try to save our marraige we often find that all we've really done is dig a deeper hole for ourselves...the feelings of love don't go away, and your heart breaks even further...and even worse, by bringing your spouse into your world, you really have caused harm to a person that you love... i know that when i was desperately trying to save my marraige i would have said anything and i would have believed it...i was unwilling to really deal with things...i wanted my wife and family..in hindsight, this felt noble to me, but it was also selfish...the instant my wife told me to leave...my transition brain started ticking and i only then did i realize the enormity of what i had done...

some lucky girls and boys realize very young they need to transition...that's not what i'm talking about...most of us don't...we try to live our birth gender.
folks that transition later often go through incredible sacrifice and risk losing every thing in life they hold dear...

we do this because we feel there is no alternative, sometimes even feeling we'd rather be dead than be our birth gender..

so when you say that you are transsexual, but that you are frustrated by your wife not being supportive or that you are quietly crossdressing, you might get reactions from people that suffered through transition...
and one of those reactions is that if you can "hold it in" then you aren't transsexual...i don't think that at all btw...you may or may not be...that's totally up to you

if you are looking for advice, i would say you need to take a huge step back...think about your gender issue and how you think of yourself...don't let what you've thought in the past get in the way..
we learn more every day...can you really live as a guy?? your current answer is yes...you should be delighted...that's a much easier high quality of life...but that answer isn't making you feel delighted!!!

then you have to share you inner feelings with your wife and let the chips fall...she has rights too...she is better off knowing what you feel on the inside...holding it in will only cause more pain and suffering for both of you, and i would not waste any more time ....if you hold this in for longer...it's not fair to her..what you are calling support is not really support at all....its unfair to demand her true support...she has her own life and feelings...but it is certainly fair to put everything on the table and see if you can earn her support by taking some risks...and btw...taking those risks may destroy your marraige...sorry, but that's the truth and if you are transsexual, you are either going to sit and suffer or take that risk..

i hope you can figure all this out...it's incredibly difficult for everyone..

[Melody Moore]

it is certainly fair to put everything on the table and see if you can earn her support by taking
some risks...and btw...taking those risks may destroy your marraige...sorry, but that's the truth
and if you are transsexual, you are either going to sit and suffer or take that risk.
What isn't fair is anyone being unhappy here and yes this will most likely destroy the marriage,
but instead of looking at this in such a negative light, we should focus on the positive that can
be gained from ending a marriage where 2 people are not happy. There is always a consolation
prize to be found in any bad situation and you only have to find it & appreciate it for what it is.

I found by being on my own again has given me real freedom, first of all I have back my independence,
I can go where I want, with who I want, any time I want without having to ask permission or justify to
anyone else what I am doing. I have more friends & I know this sounds greedy, but I also have more
money in my purse which is a must if you want to transition. I found myself constantly spending on my
last partner and I never had any money for myself because I felt so obligated & guilty if I didn't spend
money on my partner. I went out and spent $50 on clothes today which is something I couldn't do before.

A relationship should be a two way street with give & take, that goes with everything that is materialistic,
monetary or emotional. If one person is constantly taking all the time without giving anything in return then
that is selfish & greedy. But having said that we can't expect anyone to give what they don't want to give
away. If someone is not being truly supportive then we cannot demand that if it isn't given freely to us. If
things are not given to us freely, then we can never claim that they are truly ours, just like if partner is only
tolerant of you being transgendered then then you cannot ever claim that your partner really supports you.

I found more freedom, happiness and a real inner peace by learning to be completely at one with myself &
there is no way I would have ever found that if someone else was involved in my life to complicate matters.

[Katesback]

Katlin I realize my comments are sometimes harsh. I also realize that most of the trans people are not going to tell it like it is to each other. I once was talking to a post op girl years ago. For some reason we were talking about trans stuff and she made a statment that has never escaped me. She said "the problem with most trans people is they need thier asses beat". At the time I totally did not get what she was saying but today I do.

Trans people spend a lot of money and go through a lot of pain and suffering and wallowing because they often cannot make a decision or they make a decision that makes them miserable. SOMEONE needs to call them on this crap and tell them to live with thier decisions and move on.

Am I sweet and fluffy? NOOOOOOO I freaking play rollerderby with a ton of alpha females. We sometimes what to rip each others heads off and we certainly try to tear each other up on the track. Am I going through my own issues? Thats a good question. As I have said before transition really begins after SRS and it is soo true. My latest challenge is simply learning to live a stealthy life to the best of my possibiltiy. It is also a challenge to be a normal girl with dating men and making friends with women and NEVER saying a word about being trans. Damm it is a challenge and that freaking job I had set me back a year or so because I was a professional trans woman. Today I am jsut a woman. What a challenge.



I think Kate is being cruel in her manner of speaking...apparently over the years since I met her, she has moved from being outspoken to being vicious....i wonder Kate if you are going through some of your own stuff...most people that are happy and comfortable with themselves are not so mean and cruel to others..

HOWEVER
The fact that the comment is bitter and mean does not mean it's a false concept..
Sejd, trying to keep the marraige together is a good thing...but what i have seen over and over again is the ts spouse slowly realizing the depths of their predicament...over our years, we older ts's dig this deep hole..and when we try to save our marraige we often find that all we've really done is dig a deeper hole for ourselves...the feelings of love don't go away, and your heart breaks even further...and even worse, by bringing your spouse into your world, you really have caused harm to a person that you love... i know that when i was desperately trying to save my marraige i would have said anything and i would have believed it...i was unwilling to really deal with things...i wanted my wife and family..in hindsight, this felt noble to me, but it was also selfish...the instant my wife told me to leave...my transition brain started ticking and i only then did i realize the enormity of what i had done...

some lucky girls and boys realize very young they need to transition...that's not what i'm talking about...most of us don't...we try to live our birth gender.
folks that transition later often go through incredible sacrifice and risk losing every thing in life they hold dear...

we do this because we feel there is no alternative, sometimes even feeling we'd rather be dead than be our birth gender..

so when you say that you are transsexual, but that you are frustrated by your wife not being supportive or that you are quietly crossdressing, you might get reactions from people that suffered through transition...
and one of those reactions is that if you can "hold it in" then you aren't transsexual...i don't think that at all btw...you may or may not be...that's totally up to you

if you are looking for advice, i would say you need to take a huge step back...think about your gender issue and how you think of yourself...don't let what you've thought in the past get in the way..
we learn more every day...can you really live as a guy?? your current answer is yes...you should be delighted...that's a much easier high quality of life...but that answer isn't making you feel delighted!!!

then you have to share you inner feelings with your wife and let the chips fall...she has rights too...she is better off knowing what you feel on the inside...holding it in will only cause more pain and suffering for both of you, and i would not waste any more time ....if you hold this in for longer...it's not fair to her..what you are calling support is not really support at all....its unfair to demand her true support...she has her own life and feelings...but it is certainly fair to put everything on the table and see if you can earn her support by taking some risks...and btw...taking those risks may destroy your marraige...sorry, but that's the truth and if you are transsexual, you are either going to sit and suffer or take that risk..

i hope you can figure all this out...it's incredibly difficult for everyone..

[Rianna Humble]

Katlin I realize my comments are sometimes harsh.

Harsh is the least of your traits, intolerant, unsupportive and downright viscious are more prominent attributes that you display here.

You could achieve so much if you were willing to help rather than to stand on the sidelines and throw stones. None of this would require you to be (in your words) a "professional transwoman", but in choosing to use such intolerant language, you invalidate what extremely few good points you actually bother to make.

[Sejd]

From some of the answers I have gotten in reaction to my post, I really regret posting at all. First of all. I was not asking to be "Fixed" by anyone. I was merely asking if any other was going through similar experience. I never thought I would get this kind of response. This experience was really sad, and taken in a direction I never expected it to go. As I read my own post again, I don't see any cry for "Please fix me" but only a question if anyone else feel as I do. Those of you who don't, I don't know why you think you need to post your own anger or resentments. Reminds me of when women tells their men "You never listen, you only want to fix things"!!! Listening means to hear and to understand and in response to share some of YOUR OWN stuff. So, yeah, that really didn't work for me.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Melody i understand your point..however, it's being selfish...now i also understand (and i've lived it!) the concept of needing to transition to survive...i understand it is a medical condition that must be dealt with...so our selfishness can be forgiven..
and yes it's better when 2 unhappy people can separate, but here is where we differ..i think you are missing that other person is unhappy BECAUSE their spouse is ts..it's not cancer, its not incapacity, its not a broken bone that needs to heal..

it's a complicated reinvention of an entire person..we are INCREDIBLY needy and self absorbed before and during transition, and its not our fault...its just a result of how we live prior to transition...but the spouse/so/parent/friend/employer/child has every right to take some time and figure things out...and they may not be able to get there...and if you take the position (that many of us take) that spouses, so's, children NEED to SUPPORT us or they get out of my life, then you may get you happiness but you will leave lots of pain and suffering in your wake...and that's not right.,,,

you don't have to compromise your integrity as a transsexual person in order to give the important people around lots of comfort and support that you will be there for them no matter how they feel...if you are not willing to do that for them, why should they be willing to do it for you??

that's what sejd is trying to do...and altho you can tell that we all know this is a road that usually doesn't work out, it doesn't mean she isnt ts, and it doesnt mean she shouldnt continue to try...

[Stephenie S]

Sometimes in this miasma of pink flowers and bonbons, someone needs to speak plainly and truthfully.

Kate does this. Cut her some slack. She has a lot of valuable experience to share. Kate has spent considerable time counseling transgendered people in a professional capacity. She has moved on now to be what most of us really want to be ; a woman. That's all. A woman. Not a transgendered person. Just a plain ordinary woman.

She has made it.

You don't have to like the way she says stuff, but realize she is trying to teach you something. Take what you can and leave the rest (as I have said in the past).

Stephie

[arbon]

Sorry to hear of your struggles and to see how this thread has gone. I only know my own journey and I struggled for a long time with trying to find / keep a balance because I did not want to bring these difficulties onto my family or risk loosing them. My partner, my daughter, mom, dad - there was lots fear in how it would impact those relationships. It was very uncomfortable, very difficult. After struggling with it for a long time I found I had to let go, to be true to myself and accept the consequences for that. So I understand where you trying to maintain your relationship and feeling stuck and trying to maintain a compromise with your partner. I don't know the answers though, it is all complicated and I think a little different for everyone because we have such different circumstances and attachments in our lives. Glad you are here. :-)

[Rianna Humble]

Sometimes in this miasma of pink flowers and bonbons, someone needs to speak plainly and truthfully.

Kate does this. Cut her some slack.

I have already cut her the slack that she deserves


She has a lot of valuable experience to share.

But chooses not to share it but rather to alienate people


Kate has spent considerable time counseling transgendered people in a professional capacity.

If she spoke to them like she speaks to people in these forums, then I pity them.


You don't have to like the way she says stuff, but realize she is trying to teach you something. Take what you can and leave the rest

There's the rub, she isn't trying to teach anyone anything apart from how to be spiteful

[PortiaHoney]

I get exhausted running my head against the constant negotiations in partnership about how, where and when I can be this beautiful part of myself. Does anyone else feel this struggle?
Although my wife is very understanding, It's still pretty much a solitary life for this girl. I know it can't be different. Why? because we have to accept the limitations of our partners or get out!!!! I have chosen to stay in, so I'm stuck in this situation. How do you all deal with living with a chosen partner who can't stand your fluffynes?
:D

Sometimes you don't get to choose to leave or to stay. That decision is made for you.

You sound like you are getting to the point many of us have before - The "fluffiness" becomes uncontrollable or at the least - unbearable. The "wife" decides she can't take it any more and you can't keep the lid on this side of your personality either and (most likely) you find yourself seeking alternative accommodation.

And Katie is right - if you want to have some resemblance of happy that is.

Just be honest, do what you can and see where it takes you. Or go crazy trying to work out that puzzle with no solution. A dog is a dog - it's not a cat. You need to decide what exactly you can live with and accept that. No point in trying to force anything - what will be, will be. I have a trail of failed relationship's to prove this.

Stop trying to convince your wife to accept something she obviously can't. Good luck in your journey.