Need Some Advice Please

[Chastitycd]

Let me first say 2 things, 1 I understand that there are alot of posts about this subject here but every situation is a little bit different so I figured I would talk about mine. And 2 I am beginning to believe there may not be a right or wrong answer to my dilema. Anyway heres my story. Im a 30 y/o CD who crossdresses freely in our home (and we've been out a few times but still working on the depratment :D ), my wife is extremely supportive and is even a member of this forum. We have a 3 y/o son who is as smart as a 7 y/o. The discussion has been coming up lately alot about how we are going to handle this with him. The way I see it is we have 2 options. 1 We can introduce it to him at an early stage and let him grow into it or 2 we can wait until hes alot older and then break it to him. Unfortunately there are pros and cons to each one and we seem to be stuck in the middle. If I tell him now and let him grow into it theres a host of pros and cons like my son would grow up with the understanding and toleration of others that he needs, I dont have to break our trust with each other one day, and of course we can continue being the family we are, all pros for the scenario. Cons, well do I really want to add another issue for him to grow up with in a world thats already so tough on kids, kids also like to talk and as im not out to my family and dont ever plan to be unless it just happens this would be a problem, also other kids can be very mean when they find a "weak link" in the kids around them.
The other side of the fence, waiting till hes older and telling him then has pros and cons as well. Pros, my son will grow up with one less "worry", theres no danger of him saying something to people around him. Cons, I run the risk of losing my sons trust, respect, and our relationship which hurts me so bad just to think about it, and hes also sooo smart he may figure it out on his own if we dont tell him. I have hid nothing from my wife, she knew about my CD'ing before we met, but this is a child and children cant choose their parents. This also means we would have to change the family that we are now (Chastity comes out whenever we want presently). So there it is ladies, my dilema. I hope you all dont think this is like another "should I come out to my wife?" and "Ive got to hide" stories cause thats not the case at all. We are just having trouble finding the right answer that will affect our sons life one way or the other. I have watched you ladies give some damn good advice to the posts on this forum, now im asking for that same good advice on my situation.

Thank you very much for your time,
Chastity

PS- if you need more information just ask, ill be monitoring this post off and on all day.

[Gillian Gigs]

You talk about losing his trust, if you do not tell him. There is a lot of things that parents do not tell their kids,and that does not cause a loss of trust, or anything else. The younger they are the more likely your lifestyle will accidently become public. You would be amazed at what they hear and repeat, even if they do not understand it. Discression is the better part of valor, if you ever say anything, it is best left until someone knows how to keep a secret, and why they should keep it. I have never met a parent yet that did not think that there child was a genius, being smart is one thing, knowing how to use those smarts is another. When will he learn the whys and wherefores to secrets and what they are about, who knows.

[Melissa Jill]

I say be open about it with your son. There may be a few slip ups where hes blabbed to friends or teachers or whatever, but your relationship with your child is much more important than what others think.
As for the potential bullying aspect, this is a toughie. If some kids find out, he could get dealt a lot of abuse for it...but how would someone find out, by the time this could become a problem your child will have matured enough to know to keep it a secret.

[Cynthia Anne]

Dang if you do dang if you don't! Dang decisions! I also have mixed thoughts on this subject! What chance is there of him seeing or hearing something about it? I would think the chance of that happening is very high if you hide it from him! How will it affect him! I wish I could come up with the right answer! I hid from my kids, and have lived to regret it! But every situation is differant! Since my time everything has changed and kids have really changed!

[Gerrijerry]

Just my 2 cents. Kids tend to find out even if you don't tell them anyway. They will find your clothes and put it all together. Mine did. When I desided to tell I was shocked to hear. Oh please I new years ago you did that. I don't think it is about when the child is ready to hear. I think it is when are you ready to talk about it. Children are very smart and todays children know what is going on in the world. As for family finding out thru your child. It can happen just be ready. However will that really hurt anything or make your life simpler.

[PretzelGirl]

This is a tough decision. I don't know that there are a lot of people who have posted here and told the long term results of exposing their children to "this thing we do". I know I told my two daughters as adults and can tell you that they accepted and they didn't feel that I hid something from them that I shouldn't have.

So if you decide to expose him while young, it will be a bit of a dice roll. There are opinions to go by and not a lot of hard evidence. Good luck!

[Lorileah]

If it is something that you do as a normal part of your life, your son will consider it as a normal part of life. This is especially true from a young age. It is easier to instill good habits than it is to break them as they say. So you teach your child manners and you teach them how to act in public when they are young, that will and does continue into later life. Same for knowing that things are different in the world and that just because things are different they don't have to be bad. If you wait, others will get the chance to imprint the child to their skewed way of thinking. You are not born with innate concepts as to what clothing goes with what gender, that is a learned response. And it is hard to "un-teach" something. So by waiting you roll the dice as to who gets to tell your child what is correct. Wouldn't YOU like the option instead of some closed minded hateful overzealous misinformed bigot?

Ball is in your court right now. You are the idol of the child. You have the ability to mold his mind so that he doesn't hold hate or prejudice. His friends at this point don't have the incorrect information, so you can be the one who plants that information. When he starts school he will start to get input from people who have trained their children to hate and to make judgments based on lack of knowledge OR incorrect teaching. If you have planted the correct seed your child will process this and probably come to you to seek information. If you have blown it off and delayed it then when little Johnny says something that is mean or prejudiced that will become gospel and he will not seek your input because there is no reaso to question it.

I stay with always be truthful in this matter early. That stands for people you want to spend a long life with no matter what age (SO's and Children and friends). You won't have to take the child aside and say "Hey Dad wears girl clothes and he gets a kick out of it" all you have to do is wear them and don't make a big fuss about it. If it appears to be normal around your house, it will be normal around your house, no questions asked

[docrobbysherry]

Tell your kid when your READY to be outed! :eek:
Don't, if you're NOT!:doh:

How can u explain, "It's OK", on the one hand? But, "Don't tell anyone", on the other?
I think you're adding an unnecessary burden to your child's life!:sad:

Someone said, "Your kids will find out anyway". Maybe, and maybe NOT! My teen daughter has NO CLUE! Even tho I have fem things stuffed all around and in every closet! And, I'm SINGLE! She's even found a few things left out but has NO IDEA!:brolleyes:

[JulieC]

If Chastity is, as you say, coming out whenever you want should I take that to mean your three year old has seen you crossdressed frequently? If so, he already knows.

Bottom line, this is a personal choice you and your wife have to make together. The only right answer is the one you both agree on.

For my wife and I, we've chosen not to tell our kids. There's multiple reasons.

As you note, it could be very hard on our kids from a number of perspectives. Ok great, they grow up in a home where they have a great understanding of tolerance, a first hand experience. They also have to grow up with the knowledge that mommy and daddy would prefer if they keep their daddy's crossdressing a secret. So, you're teaching your kids to keep secrets. Alternatively, if you don't care if they keep it secret, then the whole world will know. Your child will be relentlessly picked upon by other children, and that can have a psychological impact. "Why can't I have a normal daddy like everyone else?" There's a kid in Ohio who recenlty had has arm mangled by a bully, all because he was a male cheerleader as his school. That's reality. That's life. You shouldn't live in fear, but you also have to take into account the life your boy has to live.

For us, another aspect is that I have no desire to dress in front of my children. They've never seen me dressed past the age of a few months. So, I tell them, and for what gain? That they might be more accepting if they discover me?

As for breaking trust and ruining your relationship with your son; I personally don't see that as a problem with my kids. It's not something I want to share with them anymore than I wish to share with them the inner details of my sex life with them. It's none of their business. Parents don't tell their kids everything. I think a wife has a right to know. A child doesn't.

We raise our kids with a strong understanding of inclusiveness and acceptance of alternative lifestyles and views. My children have been exposed to a broad variety of cultures, beliefs, personal challenges, and more. I fondly remember my daughter and I getting into line behind someone with an artificial leg at a fast food restaurant. The guy was wearing shorts, and making zero attempt to obscure his artificial limb. My daughter sees this, looks at me while pointing at him and says (with a smile) "Daddy! He has a robot leg!" The guy turned around with a big smile on his face and then demonstrated for her how he could turn it around 360 degrees. She was amazed and loved it! My kids don't have to know I'm transgendered in order for me to help educate them about diversity.

[ReineD]

One compromise is to wait until your child is a little older, say grade 1 or 2, and at about the time when you explain where babies come from, you can simply tell him that some people like to dress in a gender opposite to birth, they are called crossdressers, and there is nothing wrong with this but it is something that most people just don't understand. You can then tell him that you are a crossdresser, and let him decide whether he wants to see you dressed like a girl or not.

Take your cues from your son ... he won't steer you in the wrong direction. :)

[Chastitycd]

Thank you ladies for the advice so far. Unfortunately i still dont know what to do and may never will. Im still kinda waiting for someone to "turn the light on" on an answer for me, but I think im fooling myself.

[Eryn]

Thank you ladies for the advice so far. Unfortunately i still dont know what to do and may never will. Im still kinda waiting for someone to "turn the light on" on an answer for me, but I think im fooling myself.

Probably true, but the aggregate of the information will help you with the decision.

One thing that is just about sure that eventually the wrong person will find out about Chastity. If you decide to tell your son you should first acknowlege that reality. The secret, once told, cannot be untold.

[Phoebe P.]

I'm sure there are things I don't know about my parents and I don't want to know. I love them just the same. It's their life not mine. Unless you want to dress in front of him I wouldn't worry about "keeping secrets" from a child. I obviously know my parents had sex at least 3 times (I have 2 siblings), but I don't want to think about it or know any details. There's NO way my Dad dresses, but even if he does, I have no desire to know about it. It's not like I want to get dressed up and watch a football game with him! It wouldn't bring me closer to him.

Sometimes less is more. Just my inflation adjusted $2...

[Sophie86]

You talk about losing his trust, if you do not tell him. There is a lot of things that parents do not tell their kids,and that does not cause a loss of trust, or anything else. The younger they are the more likely your lifestyle will accidently become public. You would be amazed at what they hear and repeat, even if they do not understand it. Discression is the better part of valor, if you ever say anything, it is best left until someone knows how to keep a secret, and why they should keep it. I have never met a parent yet that did not think that there child was a genius, being smart is one thing, knowing how to use those smarts is another. When will he learn the whys and wherefores to secrets and what they are about, who knows.

I agree with this on both points. Children are on a 'need-to-know' basis, and some information is best kept from them until they're mature enough to handle it. I think they can deal with the knowledge that dad likes to dress up from an early age, but only under the condition that you wouldn't suffer bad consequences if they accidentally outed you. If you have good reason to worry about your job or a serious rift in the family from being outed, then you should not place the burden of such a secret on a young child. In that circumstance, you should wait until he's old enough to know better than to blab.

Children are used to the fact that we dole out information to them a bit at a time as they get older. It's not a breach of trust that we don't expose them to information that they're not old enough to process. It's part of our job. I recently told my 14 yr old daughter about being a crossdresser, and she did not call me a liar-by-omission or a fake or anything else of that sort for not having told her sooner. Maybe if I had waited until she was 30, she might be a bit upset. Otherwise, I really think that's a non-issue.

[deebra]

Don't tell him ever, keep this private between you and your wife and in the bedroom. Apparently you don't feel compelled/required to tell him about all the sexual and "different/kinky" things you and your wife have done in the bedroom. Cding is not the normal thing a dad or man does. It will be confusing and embarassing for him and if he tells his friends it will be extra embarassment for him. The people on this forum that say tell him are adults and their cding is with other adults, children that are learning values as they growup donot need this added confusion and embarassment. Put him first and handle your need to cd in private.

[sissystephanie]

When my wife and I married back in the mid 1950's, she knew that I was a Crossdresser and fully accepted me as such. We agreed that I would never dress openly around our children when we had some, and we would never tell them. She passed away just a few months shy of our 50th anniversary, and our 2 children still did not know. They do know now because I told them, and they are both O.K. with me dressing.

I think it is better to wait until the children are older before you tell them. One reason is very simple! Young children talk a lot, and tell things that maybe you don't want told! The other reason is that older children are more understanding than young ones!

Of course if you are already dressing in front of your child, even though he is young he already knows you wear clothing like his mommy wears!! Most men don't do that!!

[Chastitycd]

Don't tell him ever, keep this private between you and your wife and in the bedroom. Apparently you don't feel compelled/required to tell him about all the sexual and "different/kinky" things you and your wife have done in the bedroom.

Let me say that my CD'ing is not just a sexual practice or not just a fetish or kink. Being Chastity puts me into another world, free of stress, free of everyday weight that is put on a typical male, especially one that runs their own business. The sexual aspect of my CD'ing is maybe 35% of my total reason for CD'ing. I can dress for the evening over a few days and never have sex and quite enjoy my time of escape from reality.


Cding is not the normal thing a dad or man does.

This is exactly the attitude and morals that brought up this discussion, so that some how either by my being open with my son, or not being open and teaching him otherwise, to not be influenced by what society deems "normal" or "abnormal." Teaching my son to be tolerant of people no matter who or what they are or what they wear and so on..... For me to completely shoot down the idea of being open with my son just because you and society say its not "normal" defeats the purpose of what im trying to accomplish.


The people on this forum that say tell him are adults and their cding is with other adults

I couldnt disagree more. There are countless stories on this forum who have decided to tell there children and live their lives just fine CD'ing not only with their wives or SO and their children.

im sorry deebra but I feel like most people on this forum are fighting a war, whether they want to look at it that way or not, against society and how what society says is right and wrong cant always brainwash people and our children. If ive misunderstood your reply im sorry but this is how i read it.

[Rachel Mari]

I asked my therapist last Monday whether or not I should tell my children about my CDing.

I have 3 children, 34, 15, 10 and was wondering how would be the best way to handle this. I think the 15 yo son and 10 yo daughter would probably be fine with it. They're both pretty easy going. The 34 yo would probably be ok about it too, but he just had his first child last Monday and has a lot on his mind right now. Don't know if I'll tell him or not.

Anyway, she susgested going to Transparentcy.org. I went there to check it out but both my wife and I need more time to study to come up with what we think will be best. It's a decision that once made, it would be difficult to take back.

[Jessica_Dillon]

Tough question Chastity. Also a good one. The only way I can answer it is that you and your SO are going to have to make a parental decision on what works best for the two of you, for your child, and for your family. I've got two little girls. 5 and 2, and a baby due in May. We've opted for the grow into it method. It seems to be working for us right now...but there is only one guarantee in raising children and that is there is no guarantees. (Probably a good thing cuz there'd be a lot more population problems is there were with kids!) I don't know what will or won't work. For us...it took a lot of thought and discussion, and still does. I wish you luck though. I'm sure your son will be proud of you no matter how you chose to raise him.

[busker]

Thank you ladies for the advice so far. Unfortunately i still dont know what to do and may never will. Im still kinda waiting for someone to "turn the light on" on an answer for me, but I think im fooling myself.
Just about the year you were born there was an interesting book published called the Hurried Child. It is still a good book to read for any parent. Part of the authors message is that parents are pushing their children to grow up too quickly, denying them the opportunity to BE A CHILD. In part, this is what you are contemplating doing. You want to have your cake and eat it too by "telling" or "showing" your child your other life. It is just adding a burden to that child in order for you to have a clear conscience. You want to turn your child into an adult before its time. There need to be adults and there are children, so let your child grow up as any other child who has a parent that is not a cder.That could mean limiting your cd time or location but then that is what it is all about--priorities, which in this case is your child. You also create the possibility that your child will think EVERY male likes to dress as a female and that could really backfire if he begins to emulate daddy. "well, daddy does it" could really bite you in the butt on the wrong day. You want to talk about things that are age appropriate with your son, not string theory when he only understands 2+2. you are the adult. It doesn't take any rights away from your child by NOT telling him. I'm dubious about "childrens rights" any way, because rights is a big subject that sometimes even the Supreme court doesn't get right. If by leaving something out, you do not alter a life, than you can safely do it until it is appropriate. Best of luck with your decision.

As an added thought, there is some mention of teaching your child tolerance. well, every child can be taught tolerance and good morals and not have a parent who is a crossdresser. those two ideas are mutually exclusive. You CAN teach your child all those things about accepting other people who are different in some way and still not have to say that you are a cd. Besides, most children are already tolerant, it's the parents that teach them bias. Just watch any group of children from different cultures playing and you will see for yourself.