Guess I'm not so lucky....

[Jessica86]

I have had a wonderful relationship with my wife of two years. I opened up to her about my dressing about a month ago. She has tossed me things to wear, and even told me she found it "Sexy" and a way to "Spice things up." Well, its been about a week since she has seen me in that way. I decided to ask her last night, if she was still okay with everything. She just BLEW UP!

First, she said she originally thought if she tried to enjoy it, it would go away. Then, was the "I love you for who you are, and what you do is your business. I will still love you." Meaning....I want you to stop. Then, she would say things like "I like that you do it." "It's good you enjoy both sides of yourself." Followed by things like "It freaks me out," and "I just don't see you as the kind of person to do that." It feels like she is saying agree followed by disagree, followed by agree again....I just can't make sense of it.

I explained everything to her again for her understanding. She kinda blew it off, and said she just doesn't understand how another woman would be okay with it. Then, she would say she encourages me to do it. ???? So, after talking for a while, she finally came to the conclusion that she doesn't feel comfortable with it. I told her I understood, but wished she hadn't lied about it. She is disabled, and has a false eye. When she told me, I didn't mind. Her family sometimes sees her different as well as friends. You couldn't tell by looking at her. She popped her eye out at a restaraunt and said "You ok with this?" Thats how she told me. I told her I loved her, and nothing would stop me from loving her just the way she was. I love her to this day, and honestly, forget about her disability from time to time, walking on the wrong side of her where she can't see me. My question is, how can I love her for something most guys ask me "How do you deal with that? I couldn't," then I tell her this, and she is just "I don't want to see it. I'm not okay with it." She would be devastated if I told her I didn't want to see her eye anymore. Crossdressing is part of me I can't fix permanently. I feel devastated because now, its like she gave me a taste of everything that I wanted, and then took that life away.

I wanted a life of her knowing, accepting, and treating me the same because that is what I did for her, and still do to this day. I love her, and I don't want to lose her over this. She says she isn't leaving, but I've heard those words before, and come home to a completely empty home. My ex wife did that to me. I have a son, and right now, I just can't stand the thought of losing him too. I love them both. Why are people so obsessed with something that happens about once a week? It shouldn't be a big deal. I don't choose what she does, so how is it right she choose what I do? I feel like the only person in the world who had a great life for a month...just to have it taken away. She was lying this whole time about it. I'm not upset with that as much as how much I am upset she doesn't love me for who I am. I hope this makes sense.

[Sophie86]

She's only known for one month. Give her more time. Don't push. Let it percolate some more. She may come around yet.

[Briana90802]

I agree, I told my SO along time ago and let it simmer for a while before bringing it up again. Women,GGs, have a tendency to let their own thoughts simmer before actually coming to a conclusive decision, and even then nothing is ever concrete.

One thing i would ask is if she's having a problem with what she feels OR a problem with what everyone else will think of her? Most of the time women are looking for reassurance that things are ok.

Good luck.

[Alicia_lynn419]

Wow... not sure what to say, other than I've been there myself with an ex wife... nothing hurts worse than having acceptance and have it yanked away. I agree with Brianna above... Give her time.. she may be more concerned about what people will think of HER if they know about you... My ex wife was......

[SusieK]

She was lying this whole time ? Take a step back and think about the overall situation. She is almost certainly trying to process what you have told her, and may not know how she feels about it from day to day. Do you feel the same about your dressing all the time?

It is possible that she has been telling the truth the whole time, and the truth changes. It is also possible to hold contradictory beliefs at the same time (for example a logical view and an emotional view)

In terms of her disability, I suggest that it has no relevance at all to the current situation. This is not something you can trade points on.

Try to look at this from her perspective, and give it time. Just because she knows it exists doesn't mean she wants to hear about it all the time. To avoid further deception, let her know the scale of your dressing if she doesn't already know, let her know that if she has questions she can always ask and then leave it at that for a while (a few weeks at least).

[gwenbeth]

Unfortunately we all have our limits on what we can deal with, especially with our romantic partners. It is very hard to love someone unconditionally. And while we might be able to overlook some traits, there are others that we are unable to overlook, no matter how big or small they might seem to the other person. We spend a long time looking for that special someone because we are trying to find someone who can fulfill our vision of the ideal mate. And when we marry someone it is because we see them as fitting inside this box. And I myself am as guilty of this as my wife is. because as much as I thought we were right for each other when we married, nine years later she no longer fits in my box.

I don't think that your wife lied about it. It just took a while for the reality of it to sink in. what is happening is that each of you is changing the shape of your ideal mate box: your box now has "must accept my crossdressing" and your wife's now has "must not crossdress" So the question now becomes can the both of you change yourselves and the shape of your boxes so that both sides can be happy, or is this something that will lead to only one or neither of you being happy?

[DonniDarkness]

I took Years to come to where we are with crossdressing as a couple.....really jess

Slow down give it time, you love her and she loves you back.

There were times when my wife has said "GRRR WTF" and over time came back and said "Yeah that was unfair of me".....its part of the acceptance process i think. One holds anxiety about things sometimes and then all of sudden poof it hits the fan.
Just try to be patient and keep the conversation going.

Keep your chin up

-Donni-

[Jaydee]

Jess,
I remember reading your thread about coming out to her. I was glad that it seemed to be going great and I was keeping my fingers crossed for you. You are not the first CDer to have their SO say they were okay with dressing then change their minds and no accept it. If threads here are any example, it happens fairly frequently.

I don't think she was lying when she first said she was okay. She was probably trying very hard and hoping to get used to it. Now that some time has passed, she is realizing how difficult it will be to accept. Give her time. In the mean time I would suggest scaling back and keep it out of sight for a while. Good Luck. Keep the lines of communication open. We are all hoping for a good outcome for you.

Jaydee

[Rianna Humble]

I can't remember the exact reference now, but there was a very good thread a while back about why sometimes an SO will seem to blow hot and cold in this way. You only came out to her a month ago, so her feelings are probably still in turmoil, don't push. Don't try to bargain her into acceptance "I accepted your false eye so you've got to accept my cross-dressing" it doesn't work like that. Above all, don't accuse her of lying or of being irrational.

Listen to your wife's feelings more than to her words. You have had a lifetime to come to the point you are now and I will bet that you had mixed feelings about it on more than one occasion. This is the time for you to show understanding and to support your wife in coming to terms with her feelings.

[Anne2345]

Jessica, I agree with the vast majority of responses herein. Give her time. It has only been a month. It has taken many of us here, I suspect, much longer than a month to even gain partial acceptance from our wives. And some are unfortunate not to gain any acceptance at all. So you are probably ahead of the curve in this regard. Educate her on CDing. Do some research, provide it to her, discuss it, answer all of her questions, be patient with her, and work through this as a team. If necessary, seek counseling. My wife is incredibly supportive and understanding about me, but it took time and a mutual effort to get there. It did not happen over night. It did not happen in a month.

Also, I could not agree more with SusieK, in that your wife's disability is completely irrelevant. That is great that her disability means nothing to you. That shows that you are quite an accepting person yourself. But this is totally a different animal, and at least preliminarily, from what you have said, IMO, you have gotten off to a more than reasonably good start. Also, kudos to you for being honest to her about it. Everybody is entitled to approach this issue in the manner they deem best, and people's circumstances differ across the board, but when I told my wife years ago, that was the best thing I could have done. Although initially she was angry, confused, and disgusted, she gave me the benefit of the doubt, respected my honesty, and most importantly, gave us both an opportunity to work through it all. At least in my case, had I not been honest about it, I doubt we would be married today.

So give your wife a chance to figure out that you are still the same person she knew that she married, just with an added bonus. :) Try not to push too hard, be understanding, and patient. I think you have been given some great advice by the other responses in this post. Good luck, and I wish you the best!

[alexis GG]

I agree with what the majority here are saying give her time, she needs it. This is a big thing for her to take on board and she will be having many mixed feelings about it. You should also talk to her about it as she will no doubt have many questions about your sexuality etc, This is normal. It was for me when my ex told me that he was a crossdresser, I had many questions for him, which went on for quite a long time.
But you can also tell her that she would be more than welcome to come and join us here, we do have a section for GG's only where she can come and talk with other supportive wives/ g/fs etc, sometimes that can help immensley and put many things into perspective for her :)

[Fab Karen]

Continue to talk ( that doesn't mean push for what you want ), listen, and ask questions ( "are you saying...?" ) rather than assuming about something that was said. These things are key to relationships regardless of being a CD.

[Holly]

I can't remember the exact reference now, but there was a very good thread a while back about why sometimes an SO will seem to blow hot and cold in this way...Here (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t) is the thread Rianna was referencing. It is an excellent piece, written by a GG and the insights are invaluable to a TG who is wabnting to help theirt partner through the process of understanding. Bear in mind, your wife is still processing the information you so recently shared with her. The others who have said you should be patient have advised you well. Stay at the ready to share your thoughts with her but don't pressure her. And without fail, love her as you have always loved her.

[BRANDYJ]

I am with those that do not think your wife lied to you. She is processing this new discovery and trying to be accepting and fighting whatever negative feelings she has about it.
I also believe you are asking for to much to soon. Be patient and don't push it. Let her come around in her own time. Don't make the mistake of making this a constant topic of discussion. Let her bring it up. I think you just need to be more patient and at the same time, do what you can to show her you are the very same man she married. Also try a little romance. Try courting her again....be romantic. Thank her for just being there for you in all other ways. From what little you tell us, my bet is she will come around sooner then you think. I mean, damn, it's only been a month? Slow down!

[sweetjan]

I would give it some time. Talk to her about it. There maybe a way you could crossdress while she is away,( shopping, work,ect.). My first wife did not aprove and I crossdressed while she was gone and the kids were in school. My wife now helps me and is fine with it. Your wife may not have a problem with it if she does not have to see you. I hope things will work out for you.

[Presh GG]

Hi Jessica,

I agree with the others, I'm wondering too if in the past month you have given in to a bit of pink fog. ? " Oh gosh , she knows so I can go 100 miles / hour in expressing my needs.?"
That's normal, but not the best way to ease into support.
[ I'm one of those that thinks acceptance and support are two very differant things ]

Just remember to hold her, show her you love her , just a kiss and hug can say more than you realize. Whatever you do , don't take this out on her in anger, She is trying... Give her the support she needs and I'm sure she will repay you in kind.

Best wishes,
Presh GG

PS
Don't forget the FAB section here . She needs someone to talk to too.

[Jessica_Dillon]

I think the vast majority of responses on this are right on. I agree with what everyone else is saying. A month is not very long, and many people take years to come to an understanding couples place on crossdressing. Just give her time, and maybe even slow down a little. As for your wife, if you can adjust quickly, that is you. Unfortunatley that same level of understanding may have set the bar just a little high in your own expectations. Just keep loving your wife, as she clearly loves you. Give her time, and don't push too hard. When exciting and new cease to be that, and become something different, it takes a whole new level of understanding and care.

[docrobbysherry]

PLEASE remember. This is DIFFERENT PERSON! Don't think she will do something, just because your other wife did!:straightface:


------------------She says she isn't leaving, but I've heard those words before, and come home to a completely empty home. My ex wife did that to me. ------------------

[larissa-laurie]

I enjoyed a year or so of wearing alot of longerie and skirts or dresses with my wife but only for bedroom sex, etc. Then I added a wig and heels once and she went ballistic. So it has been closet type dressing ever since. Until this week that is, as she came home, I barely got my skirt and slip off but she saw me in my pantyhose and freaked out again. So it is don't do it or she will leave. I don't want to lose her so I have to stop most of my girly enjoyment or be super extremely careful and limit the longerie I get to wear.

[AKAMichelle]

Be patient. This sounds like a typical female response. She may go back and forth several more times before things begin to settle down. Don't push her and don't accuse her of lying again. That will only make matters worse. She is having a tough time dealing with this and she will have to work through it. Hopefully it will lead to the response that you want. It took my wife over 2 years to begin to accept it.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

I'm in agreement with everyone who says that this isn't really dishonesty on her part. She's known for one month. It's also something she didn't know about you for two years of your marriage and whatever time you spent together before you were married. On top of that, you forced the issues out of her by bringing it up. It's a little unfair to her, you should let her process it as she needs to. Also, it might be helpful to talk her into checking out the FAB forum on her and talk to other wives who have had to deal with it.

[Roberta Marie]

Jessica,

Reading your post, it seemed vaguely familiar. Then I realixed that the way you described your wife's actions was surprisingly similar to some of the descriptions that I read in a thread here, written by CDs describing their cycles of purging and acceptance of themselves. When you think about it, she may be going through some of the same feelings, first loving you and accepting you, then wondering what's wrong with you, then wondering what's wrong with her for loving you, then loving you then accepting you. Perhaps, just like we have to come to the realization that there is nothing wrong or immoral with us expressing who we are, she needs to come to the realization that there is nothing wrong with her for loving you for being who you are. We all to often feel that we are judged by who we fall in love with and who we are seen with.

Previous suggestions of keeping up the communication are probably spot on. Just remember that the most important part of communication is listening. Listen to her with love and compassion, trying to understand her emotions and her point of view.

I think, too, that it's important for you to be at peace with yourself about your crossdressing, that you understand, not just in your head but in your heart, that it's OK to be who you are. That will make it easier for your wife to come to feel this about both you and her.

[JamieG]

Jessica, listen to the many wise voices your are hearing her. I don't have much new to add except +1 to the advice you've been given and my story as an example. I told my wife eight years ago, after knowing each other for five years and being married for one. We've had the same roller coaster, with ups and downs, including a huge blowup as recently as last year. Yes, its tough on you, but remember its no walk in the park for her either. Keep talking and try to understand where each other is coming from and what your needs are. BTW, after that last blowup, my wife profusely apologized to me and things have never been better between us.

One last thing, I think Roberta makes an interesting point I've never seen before:



Reading your post, it seemed vaguely familiar. Then I realixed that the way you described your wife's actions was surprisingly similar to some of the descriptions that I read in a thread here, written by CDs describing their cycles of purging and acceptance of themselves. When you think about it, she may be going through some of the same feelings, first loving you and accepting you, then wondering what's wrong with you, then wondering what's wrong with her for loving you, then loving you then accepting you. Perhaps, just like we have to come to the realization that there is nothing wrong or immoral with us expressing who we are, she needs to come to the realization that there is nothing wrong with her for loving you for being who you are. We all to often feel that we are judged by who we fall in love with and who we are seen with.


If nothing else, this helps to put things in perspective.

I wish both you and your wife much happiness!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jess, It's going to take more than a month to change what your wife thought she knew about you and life in general.

Orchid

[Tara Lutschich]

Oh yes you are LUCKY!!! There are about 6 billion people around about half and half M/F who adhere to M/F, natural. Some of us cross the natural lines naturally. You did good by telling her when you were ready and she did good by accepting first off. Only think about this from her ingrained perspective of she's the female and you are the male. It fundamentally violates her expected role in life and your relationship. Thats not to say it can not work out as there are many examples of such. Connect thru your female self.

[Chickhe]

Well...you need to make it a fun and positive thing for her. Don't approach it like it is a problem. Show her you have accepted yourself and invite her but also accept that it may not be her cup of tea... like you took up bowling and she doesn't like bowling.

[Jessica86]

I am so thankful for all of your responses. I guess I was a bit too angry with my wife, instead of trying to understand it. Its hard to know what goes on in that head of hers sometimes, but since we have talked, we've done better. My problem is that I haven't dressed since then, and have a strong urge to bring her out. I can't describe it. I am happy she told me this, and by no means am I trying to bargain with her using her disabilility. I would never do that. Well, guess we just play the waiting game until she brings it up.