Can I ?

[Anne Elizabeth]

I have been dealing with the feeling that I should have been a female most of my life. There have been many instances and probably not a day goes by without me thinking I should have been born a female. In the last year and half I have been dealing with this out in the open with my wife. God Bless Her for all the understanding and confusion both together. I have been working with a counselor since Oct. I really hurt for my wife and what a transition will and could do for the family as it is now. The problem is since I have been working on my feelings I keep coming up with signs along the road of exploration that I need to become female, the person that I have always felt that I should have been. I keep reading that there is no denying this feeling. The results of not transitioning will or could eventually lead to greater mental stresses or problems.

My question is have some people made a decision to not transition in order to keep the family and been able to live with that decision? My definition of not transitioning is to present part of the time (probably should be 50/50) male.

[Michelle.M]

yes, me. but now that I have the autonomy to do it I am planning to transition in the next year

[Sejd]

Without having read any other answers to your question i would like to concentrate on your last question. And yes, I have chosen not to go all the way because of my love of my partner. that said, I still regard myself as a transexual or transgender if you like. I just had to come to a mental decision about what I wanted for my entire family. The answer I came up with was that I have to live in two worlds. One, respecting my family's needs and two, finding time to be my female me. It is not an easy task for sure, but so far, I have managed to find ways to satisfy the demands. Not everyone feels this way, and I understand this, but that is how it has been for me. Hope this is of some help to you.
Sejd

[RylieCD]

I agree with sejd and michelle. I know I am transgendered and there were many days that I wished i was a female, but after much soul searching I have found that I love the life i have been dealt and wouldnt change it for the world, except for trying to integrate the two worlds into one that is.

[Debb]

+1.

I've made the decision not to transition, with the same reasons as those above my posting. I'm taking it very slowly, I dress for my trip to/from work and once in a while on my weekends ... but I've found it's more than the dressing, and I've been trying to rise above the various stereotypes we all have deeply ingrained about what is to be a woman. Instead, I try to focus on what it is to be me.

[Aprilrain]

Right now my 5 year old doesn't know because I haven't told my parents yet and if he knew he would tell them. That being said I mostly wear female clothing around him and I no longer bother taking off my nail polish but no one would mistake me for female. On the other hand I've started building a life where people only see me as a female, some knew me before and some didn't but either way I feel it's best to be consistent and only present as female now. The only reason why this seems to be working out right now is because my wife and I are separated,I have my own place and days when I spend time with my family and days when I dont.
For me feeling like a female but looking like a male just plain sucks. This state plunges me into depression on a semi regular basis. I feel totally self concieous and out of place. The more experience I gain living as a woman the less I want to go back and the more permanent I want the changes to be. Basically I want to be able to wake up throw on some clothes, pull my hair back and have the world see me as female. For me that's going to take time, hormones and surgery.
As far as my family is concerned they can have me this way or they can have me six feet under because that is where the depression of doing nothing was taking me. Actually the part that really started to scare me was the homicidal thoughts.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

anne no one can tell you what to do..but you are asking it the right way...

you are trying to have the best quality of life for you and your family..

the feeling will never go away and it will very likely get worse...you need to know this...

when your body and soul are in conflict, it causes pain.. so if you are feeling that pain...all that matters is what are you gonna do about it....it's a bad problem to have, but like any problem, you deal with it best you can...it seems you are open and honest, keep doing it...your wife sounds wonderful...here is what you may need to understand...if you are EVER going to transition...the sooner you do it, the better for you and the better for HER!!!

sounds like you are doing everything you can...BUT one huge thing i have seen is how we make promises out of love that WE CANNOT KEEP... no matter what you say, no matter what you think now, life is llllloooonnnggggg!, and when people say the feeling can get worse...listen! because i (and they) have been there...

for what it's worth..i'm divorced, i have 2 teenage girls..we are doing fine..they love me...they cry sometimes...but my need to transition grew inside me for years until out of desperation to live i started to act on it...i am sorry to tell you that this happens to alot of us....it was a wrenching multiyear hell...and i can recall the years before promising my wife that "i was just crossdressing for fun" etc....it seems you are being honest with her and that's a huge part of success ...

ask alot of questions, get everybody's story, and stay focused on the real prize, which is the best quality of life possible for you and your family..

[morgan51]

I have been going thru this for the last 3 months or so. Prior to this time I was seeing a therapist and was medically supervised on h.t. In dec. my dear wife told me she was leaving because she couldn't take the thought of living with me as a woman. I ceased taking hormones and made the decision to remain as I am and make my family and marriage my first priority. This seems to have been the right decision fo me/us today. I truly am living it one day at a time as is my wife. My heart goes out to anyone in this situation it truly is difficult. On one hand I feel I am not being true to myself and on the other I am being true to my wife and marriage. After 2 plus years on ht I am not sure what part m/f I truly am I certainly don't feel male. I present as male most of the time I do have acrylic nails pierced ears , hairless smooth skin, light beard left still working on that! Best of luck in whatever you decide it truly isn't an easy decision.

[LaurenS.]

Do you find that you're getting help from your therapist? Does she specialize in gender therapy? If not then finding one that does might prove very helpful. I am resisting transitioning for the sake of my wife and daughter. Through therapy I've learned to live the "good enough life". Although it's not easy. My therapist works on finding the "middle path". Find whatever works best for you. Some find that they can only live through fully transitioning. Others find they can live by attending several events each year. While others can function by getting out when they can.
I've found help thru low dose hormone therapy. You'll need to find out what works best for you. It won't get any easier but with help you'll be OK. Perhaps better than OK.
All the best,
Lauren

[Lorileah]

I don't think it was a conscious decision at first. Procrastination maybe or just life happened and I didn't really take the time, but now the decision is mostly because I don't think it will change a whole lot in my life (except maybe I can use the red tees) and I am satisfied being the in between.

[Leigh58]

Hi everyone,
I am Ann Elizabeth's wife. I want to thank all of your for your thoughtful responses. This is so hard for him/her. What I want most of all is for Ann to be happy. Family is SO important to Ann. But the fact is, he IS she inside. I can't imagine how torn one must be to be in this situation. I worry that by choosing family and the life Ann has built as a male, it WILL, as some of you have said, continue to get worse. I wonder how one can possibly live a life of denial of one's true self without tremendous suffering. I don't want that for Ann.
Just knowing there are others who are going through the same thing helps. So, thank you!!!
Leigh

[Sejd]

whatever you do, this is not an easy path, and there is not a lot anyone else can tell you because ultimately you are the one who has to figure out if you can live part time or if you need to go all the way. If you go all the way, the chances are pretty big that you are going to see some msajor changes in your family life. Just think how you would react if your wife came and told you she was really a man and wanted to live like that. Would you be willing to live as a "Gay" man in public? Those are the no nonsense realities we are talking about here. It sounds great that you are in some kind of therapy and that you are talking openly with your wife. Do yourself the favor and listen to her as much as you can if you want to keep her. That way you can make up your mind how far you want to go. There are probably as many solutions as there are trans people on this forum. Good luck to you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Leigh

Your post says EVERYTHING about how this will turn out...by being open and honest and loving about the situation..you guys have the best chance of making it..regardless of how you two decide to proceed
the feeling of being "Trapped" in what feels like an empty shell is terrible, but being able to talk about it with loved ones, being able to take small steps with our fear of recrimination are the types of things that can really mitigate the feeling and help you get through..

[Melissa Rose]

I have chosen not to transition for a variety of reasons with the biggest ones being the hurt it would cause to others in my life and the fallout from that. Also, I'm in the later stages of my adult life. I get frequent opportunities to fully express myself as a woman. I'm totally out in the mainstream and have wonderful friends in my female life. It would be different if I was forced into a completely "either-or" situation. Somehow I have found a balance point where I get the best of both worlds. I'm actually very happy with my life and situation which may seem alien to some. Gender, while important, is not everything that define you and your life. Weighing the pros and cons, the plus and minuses, and a few intangibles, I decided not to transition, but it is not a source of unhappiness or regret. So yes, I've done it and I'm happy and content.

[Cindi Johnson]

Women are expected to sacrifice their pleasure for their family. Those who don't are called tramps (or worse). Males can easily get away with abandoning their loved ones; society frowns upon it, sure, but with a wink. The fact that you are so torn between your wants and your family's needs is just another aspect of your transgenderism.

I mostly present as a male to the world, maybe 75/25, although even when in male mode anyone with eyes can easily see through that facade. Yet due to a family responsibility I'm not going into surgery anytime soon. Still, life is fine.

There's no one way in life. Hopefully you will find a solution best for you, your spouse, and your children. Best of luck to all of you.

[christinac]

I have chosen not to transition for the time being only because of business reasons and because of where I live at the moment. The majority of my clientele are not at all and very openly not tolerent of the gay, bi, or transgendered and in this down economy I can't afford to loose any of my regular customers.

[Tara Lutschich]

My primary concerns are 1) my two sons, bith 21+, and thier self identity of dad/mom and what it will do or not do to thier self identity. 2) My current situation which requires my male self for the next 2 years. Until then I'm looking for my Tara 100% place and out to all.

[CharleneT]

I came to a cross roads, where my marriage was already dissolving too fast to save. As well, I was headed down, fast. The depression, self loathing and lack of ability to truly love another person gave way to a much better person now. Because of timely help, and patience on the part of many supportive people. In a very real way transitioning has saved my life. My friends tend to not believe me when I say that I was near death - in some ways that is maybe for the better. So, I could not put off transition for the reasons you ask about. I had to save myself. I do not think that has to be the way though, even if it is commonly the case. I consider myself lucky.

[Teri Jean]

Anne,
I did wait for some of the same reasons but the thing for me was I did not understand the feelings and did not persue them for years. When the family had grown and do to a accident I found I was single and had time to discover the reasons for my discomfort as a male. I wish it would have happened earlier in my life but would not change my decission to transition.

[Bethany38]

Anne,

I can only echo what most of us have said. I am not going to transition anytime soon due to my family life at present. I have met my soul-mate and we have built a life together. My Son, Daughter, and my Wife are, well my life. My Wifes only request, or condition if you will on my trans status has been to please not get rid of Mr. Happy. This is a situation I can live with, and if later down the road things should change for whatever reason, well I will cross that bridge when I come to it. If I had realized in my younger years that I am who I am, things would probably be different. Eventually I do plan to go on hrt, hopefully sooner than later. I cannot wait for the day when I no longer have to play this male role in a stupid play that has been running for the past 42 years.

[Kerrylee61]

Yes you can do it but you need to make a very conscious decision and stick to it. I had to make that very same decision some 20 years ago. The duality of my gender has caused me no end of pain throughout my life including major bouts of depression. It has been much better since I made ``The Decision`both for me but for my loving wife as well.

Kerry

[TerryTerri]

As for the basic question of whether or not you are transgendered. How I was able to conclusively realize that I am transgendered is that, after having gathered a basic understanding of gender related behaviors and such, I examined my past life from a gender context. Numerous situations, relationships and dilemma, when put into a gender context made so much more sense. Those things really nailed it home to me. If I had been a female (which I actually was and didn't realize it), the way I reacted and the difficulties I had became so much clearer. btw, I did this with the wise counsel of a gender therapist. Also, one of my ways I deal with life in general is to try and detach my feelings about my realities. Sort of like hemmoroids. Do you like them or not. Well, it doesn't matter if you like them or not, in regards to if you have them. So, I try to 'factually' sort through thing first and then secondly deal with how I feel about them and thirdly what I can do about it all. My opinion is you need to figure out your reality first and them go from there. Just because you or transgendered, doesn't mean you have to specifically do something with it and what you do end up doing about it all is you you and you alone to decide.
My ex-wife and I got divorced over this. However, she is an awesome soul and never condemned me and we remain BFF through it all. We have a couple of rugrats to raise so it's important we work closely together on that paramount goal. Was it tragic, of course. But, the sun shines again and it is starting to look like her and I getting divorced was a very good thing for both of us. In her own way, she is growing and dealing with things she ran away from while we were married.
Anyway, I have not yet transitioned and I'm not sure I will. I have been on HRT for about 2 years now and between the simple knowledge of the honest malady i have and the medication, my world has been much better. But, I am not saying I won't transition someday. I factor in family, job, finances, etc. since they all are important influences in regards to all this.
Good luck to you finding authenticity and serenity within yourself.

[Sallyatthehelm]

So many of the comments above ring sooooo true and if you are in a discovery phase read carefully and (IMO) take Kaitlyn's advice seriously.

Some 20 years ago, I decided to NOT to transition. I was a single parent and stability and income were critical. Nine years ago, I was fortunate to meet that special someone and openly discussed that, despite a decision not to transition, there was a possibility that mentally/psychologically/my femme side, (not sure what to call it) might demand that this decision be no longer sustainable.

Well time has passed, Kids have moved out and my femme side is in full flight demanding her time in the sun. Modest Spiro' helped for a while but the daily struggle is getting too much. While my partner has been very supportive, she reminds me that the "understanding" from the beginning was that I was not going to transition. She also, understandably, sees therapy as simply "persuasion to accept my transitioning", which she doesn't wish to do.

In addition to everything else: the possible de(con)struction of the life I have built; this perceived betrayal weighs extremely heavy.

So "can I? " As time passes I no longer think I can...but the consequences terrify me.

Sally.