Why we don't tell

[gwenbeth]

There have been a lot of threads lately about not keeping our secrets and telling or not telling the ones we love. I got to wondering why do we worry so much about keeping our secrets? The main reason is fear. We fear what others will think of us. We fear what other will do us. But I think that the most important person that we keep the truth from is ourselves. For the longest time I could not admit to myself that I was a crossdresser. I knew what I did, I knew I liked what I did, I knew I wanted to do more, but I could never accept that label for myself. Even after I told my wife, I still did not call myself a crossdresser. We have so many labels in life that we are reluctant to take on new one, especially when it is one that many people, including some of our loved ones, react negatively to. So all those years that I did not tell my wife, part of the reason was fear of how she would react, what she would think of me, but just as big of a part was the fact that I could not tell myself. We think that we will grow out of it. We think that we can keep it under wraps. But eventually that day comes, when the desire is too much, when we realize that we have to have an outlet for this, when we realize that it is a part of who we are and it is not ever going to go away. Only when we are able to see for ourselves who and what we are, are we then able to tell others. Now that I have the courage to accept who I am now, I am able to consider what my future might hold.

What was holding yall back from telling your loved ones.

[Michelle 2]

Very well said Gwen! I totally agree and approve your message.
Michelle

[LisaM]

I was 14 when I read about Jan Morris undergoing SRS in 1972. I finally understood why I was so confused about my gender. I already knew about other transsexuals like Christine Jorgenson but I had always convinced myself that I wasn't like those transsexuals.

Jan Morris made me re-evaluate my thinking and it was heart-breaking. I was just like them. I had always wanted to be female-from my earliest memories but I had always ran away from it. Now I finally began to realize that I was no different than so many others that hid in the shadows.

But I made another mistake--I decided I was too tall to ever pursue SRS (I was 6' 3") and I turned my back on my identity.

I have always kept this a secret beacause of fear, lack of acceptance, and the belief that I could never be believable. I have had many blessings in my life but I still wonder if not accepting myself was not a mistake.

[Janine cd]

I think GwenBeth is right about fearing to accept ourselves for who we are. I spent 20 or more years of my life believing that what I most desired was wrong. I have wanted to be a girl since I was at least 4. I have agonized with those feelings for most of may adult life. Only recently have I decided to accept myself for what I trully am.

[AllieSF]

I also think the reasons that so many including myself do not tell friends and family and work about this side of us is fear. However, I think that are many different types of fears and reasons for those fears for not telling. There are those like you who are afraid to accept who they are, which I think is only part of the whole. Others have so much to lose by going public to all, including job, income, career advancement, friends (close and casual), family and spouse or partner. Others don't tell because they see no need nor a strong reason why to expose themselves to all the difficulties and potential negative impact of coming out could cause. I am in this group. I am single, have grown kids and no one needs to know about my private life except those that I feel comfortable telling. What I am doing will not affect my kids, so why complicate my life and theirs by "coming out" to them. The few benefits are far outweighed by all the potential negatives. I sleep well, accept who I am and am very comfortable in keeping my secret to myself.

[Ericka2]

If I could summaries why I can't come out and be open about my other identity I surely be one happy camper, no other reason then what would others think, not sure why I worry so much about it, maybe because since childhood I was tought to reject such things, like being gay is wrong, crossdresers is wrong etc.. After so many years or being programmed this way is so difficult to just say screw that, since I think I made a huge mistake and passed on the same sentiments to my own children, I guess now is just a waiting game, they'll know either by discovering me or jus wait until they get older for me to tell them.......and the pretending continues....

[docrobbysherry]

However, I believe it's the fear that MOST people will require an explanation! And then, either misunderstand what u tell them about CD/TG/TSs, or believe what they WANT to believe, or BOTH!:sad:

Remember that game where u whisper in someone's ear? And, they whisper it to the next person? And so on and so on? Then, the last person speaks the words out loud and they r unrecognizable by the person who started it off?

I think telling your family mite go like this:

"I need to tell u that I'm a CD, (TG or TS). Which means I dress in womens clothes occasionally. If u have any questions, I'll be happy to answer them! But, first, let me assure u I'm not gay. I may want to go out dressed from time to time, just to be with others like me! But, just to hang, NOT have sex! I'm not going to have SRS and become an anatomical female. And, I still love u as much as always!"

Your SO hears, "I'm thinking of becoming a woman and I may be gay".

Your kids hear, "I'm going to go out and have sex with others like me"!

Your friends hear, "I've become a perv"!

Now, let's say by some miracle THEY actually hear and understand u correctly and repeat it exactly the way u explained it, to those THEY tell. U can BET some folks along the line WILL hear or think it the OTHER ways!:eek:

[RADER]

What can relay hurt is being labeled a sexual pervert of some sort.
People do not understand the meaning of a cross dresses or a trans.
or how they feel; they just look at the fact that it is not socially
normal in their eyes. Then out comes the Labels, the kind that can
hurt you, your standing in the community, work etc.
Being Gay now has a less impact than being a cross dresser, and most
Cd's are labeled Gay even though they are not. If they only educated
this in schools, maybe we would get an even break.

Rader

[Loni]

as for telling my friends, i know a bunch would like for me to not come by there place anymore.
but not ready to be full time..yet. so best if they did not know anyhow. but if any tried to put two and two together, they would understand why i am in girls jeans and tops.

.

[Cheryl T]

We all fear REJECTION.
We are social beings and the thought of being an outcast creates fear in us. While we NEED to be ourselves we also need to belong and the thought that others might see us as "freaks" and rejects us keeps us from telling others, especially loved ones who we need love and reassurance from most.

Years ago I was engaged to a wonderful woman. I decided to tell her, to not keep any secrets. I was rejected without hesitation. That ended our relationship. When I found the woman who is my wife I could not bring myself to tell her as I feared a recurrence of that rejection and the loneliness it would bring. We hide all our lives because we are different and misunderstood. The pain of our secret is moderated by the fear we will be tossed aside and left alone. Telling a loved one is the most difficult thing we can do. The exposure of oneself to rejection is unnatural. Self-preservation is a natural instinct.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Gwen,

You hit the nail right on the head girl!

I had for years had those same feelings. I had not told my wife thinking, after we get married I will quit, after this, after that... so many lies to myself.

It was not until I admitted to myself that it was ok to be who I am that I felt at peace with myself. I told my wife, and although she cant really understand why, she does understand that it is a part of who I am and we make things work.

So, I guess I am saying be true to yourself and honest with yourself and those you love.

Jenny

[Marcia Blue]

Gwenbeth, What a great thread.

Fear is a very strong motivator. We are wired to use fear, as an emotion, to trigger protective responses. This may be an event that causes us to seek safety, for our physical body. What we are discussing here is fear, triggering a protective response to our relationships. I value my wife and children, more than anything else in the world. This caused me to not fully come out, to my wife for more than 20 years. She knew that I had dressed before our marriage, but thought it was a done thing. I came to call myself a CD, circa 1996. I told my wife the full extent of my feminine side in 2009. Yes, fear was what caused the delay in coming out to my wife. The fear of my wife's response was overwhelming. She has a very liberal outlook but, things can have a different outlook when they are in your house. She continues to have a hard time with my CDing at times. My children have not been told, although I feel that at least one, my have a clue. I want to tell them but, my wife has reservations. Again fear is triggering a protective response. I am sure that sometime in the future, that they will be let in on the secret.

[Jolene]

I accept who I am and embrace it. Feeling no need to have to come out to anyone in my life, I am happy to hear that it works for some of you. The fact is, many people, even those who love us will never understand any of this. Even I do not understand this but it is who I am.