fear

[Rachel Lea]

The fear of telling my wife that I cross dress is beyond my understanding. I know I need to tell her but I just can not being my self to do it. I have tried to set the stage, but I just can not start to utter the words.

[Kate Simmons]

Yeah, it can be tough. You never know what will happen. My revelation eventually led to our separation, although it took years for that to eventually happen.:straightface:

[KrystalA]

When I was looking for an opening to tell my SO about my crossdressing, an ad for Victoria's Secret came on tv, and I said "How come girls get to wear soft pretty underwear and guys have to wear drab guys underwear?" She answered with something like "I don't know. Semms kinda unfair, doesn't it". And things progressed from that point to her full acceptance of my CDing. You just have to find the right opening moment and go slowly from there. Good luck.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Rachel

Have you tried writing it all down in a letter. This will enable you to give it to your wife to read while you are there to answer her questions.

[Kathryn Philips]

I came out to my wife making love to her. I knew that she was homophobic (and still is) and that she also thought all men who dress as women are gay. My thought process at the time was that if I told her while engaged in a clearly heterosexual activity she might break the link in her mind between crossdressing and sexual orientation. The results where not good, but that is another story, my story.

I think it does matter how you tell you wife. How she takes it and what happens next is very much related to her personality, upbringing and outlook to life, an little about how and when you tell her. That you have to tell her, I agree, just hope that in your case it works out and that you are to continue dressing, if not in her presence, at least with her consent.

[ReineD]

Yeah, it can be tough. You never know what will happen. My revelation eventually led to our separation, although it took years for that to eventually happen.:straightface:

Denise, with all due respect and to be fair to the OP, you're not telling the whole story. I don't want to cause you embarrassment or grief but I remember years ago you said that you ended up taking the CDing way too far and this is what caused your divorce. If I am wrong please tell me and I will stand corrected. But I don't think it's fair to the OP to not tell the entire story if there is more to it. :sad:

[NicoleScott]

Come on, Reine. We know that you are an advocate for telling all to our spouses, but also the truth police? ..........the whole truth, and nothing but....
Denise said that the revelation eventually led to separation. Those of use who had pretty good and normal marriages while privately crossdressing found our marriages ended eventually by the revelation. Denise's post doesn't require more information to be truthful or helpful.

[Jessica_Dillon]

Rachel, if you're that twisted up inside over the issue, then yes, you're right. It's time to tell her. Recently, another gal here told her wife. She had written a letter, and rehearsed it several times so that she didn't have to worry about losing her train of thought while mid-discussion. It ws beautifully written, and also very honest. If you're looking for the right words to say, and nervous about getting through it, this might be an option you'd like to investigate. anyway, good luck with all of it.

[Katesback]

Typical definition of telling wife= Telling wife with the assumption that you can escalate your crossdressing related activities.

This site is filled with the stories of telling the wife, some semblance of "acceptance", rapid escalation that brings the crossdressing activities to a front and the wife is now innundated with it. Finally the whole thing ends with a separation because the wife was never expecting nor preparred to deal with this.

[Tanya83]

A question to ask yourself, what is your desired result? Be sure to know and be prepared to handle which ever way it goes. One thing for sure though, the longer you wait, the harder it becomes.

[leah kernow]

My thoughts are that you do have to be extremely careful and weigh-up the risks before embarking on disclosure. No one can really tell you what to do as we don't know you or your relationship well enough. What I would say is that you should have some idea about how she might feel about the whole subject of crossdressing, her beliefs and understanding of difference. Before I disclosed I knew that I had to really 'know' and accept myself, the questions and fears that would be forthcoming would need answering,exploring and re-assuring. I had a positive outcome but it doesn't mean to say that everything will be alright in the future, it's about mutual respect and transparency. Leah

[Haley Heather]

At some point years ago I made the conscious decission to be open about stuff like this with anyone I started having feeling for, while I have endured some heart ache, I found the most wonderful and accepting woman as a result.

[Debglam]

Hi Rachel,

Fear? Absolutely! When I sat my wife down to have the conversation I was more scared than I have ever been in my life, including war! It was like jumping out of an airplane for the first time and either the chute was going to open or splat!

I don't think it is appropriate to suggest that you tell or don't tell because I don't know you, your wife or the condition of your marriage. These are all things that YOU need to consider in making your decision. I will say I also needed to tell my wife, did so, and it was probably one of the most positive things I've done in my life. The relief of being completely open to the most important person in my life was liberating beyond belief!

All I will say is if you do tell her, take things slow, be prepared for some pendulum swing regarding her feelings on CD'ing, and continue to be honest and open. At this stage of the game, it IS about her. Give her time absorb this.

Look at some of the other posts on this forum for some very good advice on how to tell her. Good luck!

Debby

[Haley Heather]

I agree with Debglam, but fear can lead to irrational behavior and needs to be dealt with in some fashion, "fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side." Yes, I just quoted Yoda, but there is a lot of wisdom in those words if you ask me.

[Cristi]

You must have some indication about how she might react. Is she homophobic at all? How does she react to people who are outside of the mainstream and express themselves in different ways? Has she ever reacted to crossdressers in a TV show or movie negatively? Does she value personal expression and openness?

If you ask yourself questions like this first, you might realize that 1) it will not be a big deal with her or b) she is closed minded and not likely to accept this news about you.

If you really think about her personality, there should not be any surprises when you finally break the news.

I told my wife (GF at the time) while we were still dating. I was nervous, but knew that nothing terrible was going to happped because she was/is a very open minded person who'd already had a TG friend in the group she hung out with.

[msginaadoll]

My belief whenever these telling or not telling things come up is. Expect the worst. If you can live with the possible ending of the relationship definitely tell. That way you are prepared. Hopefully that wont happen but its best to be prepared for the worst

[AKAMichelle]

Relax. It took me almost 2 years to finally tell her. Keep trying. You will find the courage when the time is right to utter those words.

[docrobbysherry]

Rachel, u know yourself AND your wife better than we do!

If u feel such fear from just the thot of telling her, maybe u have GOOD REASONS? I believe, when it's necessary, you'll tell her!

[Veronica Lacey]

When my wife and I were dating I decided to tell her; was probably about the third month in.

We were in her apartment bedroom and her room mate was out for the evening. She was sitting on her bed and I was in her closet admiring some of her things. I wish I could recall what it was we were discussing but whatever it was I simply chose to put on some of her hose, a blouse and a skirt and walked out of the closet (indeed, how poetic.)

The look on her face was that confused look bordering some where between disgusted and "oh, this is funny" look. Then I said that I have enjoyed wearing such things for years. We talked a bit that evening and a few discussions ensued over the following weeks. Seventeen years later she does not fully accept it in front of her but is okay with me doing it at home when she is out, such as today. It has not been idyllic but I certainly am grateful for what she does accept and am thankful that I found the courage to just tell her.

Certainly not easy after being married for any length of time. I believe that Katesback has a good point about understanding what your personal expectations will be after telling your spouse. I always feel that it is best to believe that informing your spouse is the first tiny step to years of her getting used to it all even if she is initially okay with it. You have had your entire lifetime to try and understand who you are and it may take her a long time as well. It is almost like getting a new room mate after years of living solo. It takes a long time to deal with the extra personality in the house.

I hope you can find the right words and timing to do this.

[Kate Simmons]

Come on, Reine. We know that you are an advocate for telling all to our spouses, but also the truth police? ..........the whole truth, and nothing but....
Denise said that the revelation eventually led to separation. Those of use who had pretty good and normal marriages while privately crossdressing found our marriages ended eventually by the revelation. Denise's post doesn't require more information to be truthful or helpful.Thanks Nicole. Basically my escalating the CDing openly is what eventually led to the split between my wife and I. We are still not divorced. Mainly what it was was that she did not want to be with someone who was "half a man and half a woman" (her words not mine). When all was said and done I was just myself anyway, gender presentation notwithstanding.

[Christy_M]

I have to say that only you can determine what is best for your situation. As I have mentioned to many others, weighing the consequences and making decisions based on your ability to live with those consequences is the most important step. I would not necessarily recommend a letter except to use as a script but that is my opinion. It feels a little impersonal to me. If you lay out what you want to get across on paper so you don't miss any important points and allow all the questions to flow without being defensive I am sure it will go a long way to helping her feel valued in the conversation. Whatever you choose, good luck. As I am sure you know from your time on this site, there are a number of people on this site who are here to support you and listen as things progress. I speak from experience becasue the ladies here have been so wonderful to me as I went through this myself a few months ago.

I am so happy to see the responses to this post being supportive and positive while at the same time taking into consideration the OP's own needs to understand the consequences in her life that this revelation will create. It wasn't too many months ago where someone posted something similar to this and was blasted with negativity and shame for not blurting it out without regard for the damages it would do. It warms my heart that we have considered the OP's feelings. This is yet another example of why I get so much from all you girls on this site. Thank you for being there.

Christy

[Melissa Jill]

I agree with Debglam, but fear can lead to irrational behavior and needs to be dealt with in some fashion, "fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side." Yes, I just quoted Yoda, but there is a lot of wisdom in those words if you ask me.

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering.

[Haley Heather]

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering.

D'oh! I cAn't even get my own quote right. lol :o

[Rachel05]

Goodness me I used to think that it would be best to tell her and just never ever got round to it, she found me out in the end and the end result wasn't half as bad as I thought, she is not accepting and will not have anything to do with it but she knows now and so it makes it easier for me that is for sure

[Eryn]

Typical definition of telling wife= Telling wife with the assumption that you can escalate your crossdressing related activities.

This site is filled with the stories of telling the wife, some semblance of "acceptance", rapid escalation that brings the crossdressing activities to a front and the wife is now innundated with it. Finally the whole thing ends with a separation because the wife was never expecting nor preparred to deal with this.

I do tend to agree with Kate's first statement. For many of us, telling the wife occurred because we were at a point that continued activity would lead to discovery. "Escalation" is pretty much inevitable when the level of CDing perceived by the spouse was zero to start with.

I don't think (and fervently hope, for my sake) that every such revelation leads to eventual separation. Yes, there are a lot of such stories here, but there are also stories of open CDers being happily married for decades. I think that it is a matter of communication in both directions. If the CDer becomes too self-absorbed and ignores his wife's feelings it will harm the marriage, but that same principle applies to every other avocation.

[ReineD]

Thanks Nicole. Basically my escalating the CDing openly is what eventually led to the split between my wife and I. We are still not divorced. Mainly what it was was that she did not want to be with someone who was "half a man and half a woman" (her words not mine). When all was said and done I was just myself anyway, gender presentation notwithstanding.

Thanks for responding Denise. I wasn't meaning to put you on the spot, it's just that I remember your story and I never forgot the post you made when you shared the remorse you felt for having had that huge pendulum swing, before you settled in the middle as the person you are now. I am sorry that your marriage ended it up the way it did.

Katesback expressed perfectly:


Typical definition of telling wife= Telling wife with the assumption that you can escalate your crossdressing related activities.

This site is filled with the stories of telling the wife, some semblance of "acceptance", rapid escalation that brings the crossdressing activities to a front and the wife is now innundated with it. Finally the whole thing ends with a separation because the wife was never expecting nor preparred to deal with this.

There is a difference between a wife not accepting the CDing conceptually and recognizing it as a need but then being utterly overwhelmed when her husband goes into a major pink fog and goes way faster than she can catch up with. I wrote a fairly typical scenario recently describing how a wife must stretch in order to keep up with her husband, and if you are interested in reading this, Rachel Lea, here it is:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?106619-If-we-GG-s-could-say-anything-The-good-and-the-Bad&p=2426835&viewfull=1#post2426835

Granted the wife in the scenario I constructed is the ideal "accepting" wife, but if there is a divorce because of the CDing, it is because she just can't take all the changes in that quickly and she feels utterly left behind. I know there will be a million little exceptions to my story, but it's the best I can do without writing a tome to take into account all the different possible permutations. I hope you get the idea.

[GG Kathy]

Rachel you will know when the time is right, but please make sure you tell her before she finds out herself. Just make sure you remember to tell her how much you love her.

[Natalie Wood]

Rachel,

Just based on my experience of telling my wife 6 mo ago I can assure you that it will be better if you be honest with her rather than her finding out another way. And most importantly is this: Your wife knows something is not right. I assure you this because although you are hiding it well I am sure, there are subtle, slight nuances that appear in your daily life with her due to your cd'ing. So by you sharing what you are going through may just relieve her of any other thoughts that she may be having.

I was in the same, exact spot as you are in right now. I did not know why or how, but I could feel the urge screaming for me to finally tell my wife. I couldn't believe I was doing it once I sat her down to talk. I had to hide my face as I spoke because I felt ashamed. But it all worked out and we are very happy with the cd'ing. It has changed our lives for the better. And I was worried that she would leave me. I didn't give her enough credit. Just be honest about your feelings and most importantly is this...GO SLOW AND LET HER ASK QUESTIONS. I found that advice very helpful for me.

Wishing you the best!

[CDSamantha]

There is a lot of great information and advice in these responses. As people have stated, you will know the right time and place to tell her if that is what you truly want to do. I have not arrived at the right time yet. I hope it all works out got the best for both of you.

Samantha Anne

[Phoebe P.]

I've just recently started to dress en femme in front of my wife. We've known each other since we were 14 when we started dating. That was 27 years ago. You could say we know each other! It used to just be panties or stockings, but I always left clues. Finally when I started leaving nail polish and lipstick on our sheets she called me on it. I meant to put on the makeup, but didn't mean to mess up the sheets! She didn't know the extent and that's when it came rushing out. I explained a/b my childhood experiences. She was ticked at first. Grabbed a bunch of her female clothing and threw them at me. I slept in the guest room that night. She's ok now and I've been dressing nightly for a/b 3 weeks now. 90% of the time she's ok, but there are still those nights she gets moody (Like I'm one to talk a/b being moody!).

I'm not one that usually beats around the bush (as has been brought to my attention a couple of times on this board... :doh:). I am not one who often avoids confrontation for better or worse. With me it's rip the band aid off and deal with the pain.

You have to do what is right for you. What is right for one is not right for all. Take everything with a grain of salt and do what is best for you and your wife.

[Rachel Lea]

Thank you for all of the words of wisdom and encouragement. For the past 2 years the urge to tell has been very strong and I believe If I do not tell I will be found out in the near future and that situation would be too uncontrolled. I have to be alone with my wife because I do not want my children to find out at the same time that my wife starts dealing with the news.

I know I will be able to discuss the matter better from all of the suggestions and points to consider express by all of you girls.

[Raychel]

Hello Rachel,

Telling your wife can be a very stressful thing to do. It would be best to write things down and prepare your speech as best as you can. Be sure to tell her exactly how you feel about her. And try to time it when there are no other stresses in her life. This can be a very dificult thing for any woman to deal with. Then after you tell her, give her some time to think it over, talk to her when she is ready. And go at her pace.

You know her best and I am sure that you have an idea what her reactions can be. Be prepared for anything.
I am hoping for the best for you. :hugs: