Why we Tell

[msginaadoll]

Lately there seems to be a push for spillin the old I am a cd secret. I know there are the folks that push honesty is the best policy. I am also wondering as was mentioned if there is also a selfish component to it. Now I will be able to dress whenever I want cause my wife/GF/So knows. Or can it be now my secret is out and
I feel free, unloaded of guilt.
So now what if the response is you are a sick pervert, and I dont want you to ever dress again. Should that response be honored, yes honey I know you dont want this in your life and I will honor that. The cats out of the bag, we were honest, now are we prepared for the brutal honesty of the other person. If crossdressing is such a big part of our lives can we and are we willing to give it up for the other person. Is it really an unreasonable request that we do so.
I know there are some people who would say that is an unreasonable request however if the other party didnt know about it is it really unreasonable. The wife wants and expects her husband to be a man not some caricature of one.
Also as we spill our guts now we put the burden on another person. How are they able to cope with the shock there husband/boyfriend is a "freak". If they can handle it great but what if they cant. Some poeple like to toss out hallmark sayings, like well then the relationship wasnt strong, etc.... That is not always the case Realationships are made up of two imperfect beings with strengths and weaknesses.
I gues these musing are coming up as I think about telling my wife my lil secret. I am wondering what would be my reason and how will it affect her as well as me. Am I prepared for a 10 year marriage to end, and am I prepared to deal with the possible ugly consequences. My wife has suffered from depression from years, and does not handle shock well. There is a possibility of self harm on her part.
In the end is my peace of mind and sanity worth possibily destroying someone else? Right now I dont know. So telling is not just about me but does affect others.. Just some musings.

[docrobbysherry]

I've BEEN THERE, Gina!
After years of being very active here and watching my dressing progress by leaps and bounds, for some reason, I developed the need to TELL SOMEONE who knew me!

I told an old girlfriend who I thot would be very accepting. And, she seemed to be, for AWHILE! Then, she suddenly said, "No more, Sherry! Ever!". It has permanently damaged our relationship!

Now, when I get the feeling that I need to TELL SOMEONE, I drink a glass of water, pick up a newspaper and wait until the feeling GOES AWAY!

[suzy1]

A great thread in my opinion.
I have to say that, in my opinion some here do not live in the real world.
Many people see us as freaks. Sorry but the do. We have to face up to it. We do not live in a perfect world.
So we have to do the best we can under the circumstances we find ourselves in.
If we are in a good and long lasting relationship then we probably have some idea what the result will be if we tell.
I would love to know how many members here have read a lovely story of the CDer coming out to there wife successfully and then, letting the thought of doing the same cloud out reality, go ahead only to find there marriage destroyed.
Everyone must make there own personal choice on this but give it a h**l of a lot of thought first.

SUZY

[Shelly Preston]

A lot of this is down to a matter of trust

Also the fact that for most of us dressing wont go away ( I am sure a few people can give up )
If we cant give up do we want to get caught with all the consequences that will ensue, or do we tell our partner
Remember most of us should have explained early on in the realtionship withour partner.

It will always be a gamble no matter which decision you make as not telling can have dire consequences too

Someone once said "a secret shared is a problem doubled"
It will affect your wife in some way she may be accepting but you just never know what will happen

I would say you may want to consider the help of a doctor or counsellor given what you have said about depression and self harm. I know this may mean outing your self to the doctor but you will then get some advice on what you can do to lessen the shock

[Wendy_Marie]

My reason for wanting to spill the beans stem from the fact that for years like most...I hid my secret away behind locked dorrs and drawn curtains...feeling ashamed as if I were doing something perverted and devious. As I have come to accept myself more and more and understand what it is that drives this need to dress and show my femininity in me...I want to open those curtains and come into the light because I am not going to go through the rest of my life feeling like my being who I am is wrong.

[Joanne f]

I am sorry to say but i think the OP has a point in that one of the reasons to tell is so that you can or hopefully can dress when you what to or without fear of being caught, once you take away the honesty thing the other main and biggest advantage that you are going to reap from this if anything is the ability to dress when desire hits you , so is telling really a selfish act or an honest act . when i look back i think i told so that hopefully i could dress without fear so that sounds pretty selfish to me .

[AllieSF]

Great post Gina. I have no one to really tell, or better stated, that needs to know right now. That being said, I do believe that it is always best to let your SO know before getting married. However, for those already married, they need to go through the same thought process that you are going through now and do not let the "tell at all costs" crowd here pressure them into doing something that they otherwise might not and should not do. Yes, there are many circumstances that more than justify a do not tell policy. We are all adults here, in and out of the Pink Fog, and must be responsible for our own decisions and actions. Only the person who may or may not decide to tell can make that decision to come out. No one here can truly know the potential risks and problems for another person that might result from a premature coming out. Thanks for a very thoughtful and well worded post Gina, and good luck with whatever you decide.

[Rianna Humble]

There may well be something selfish involved in telling and,in some circumstances, they might be good reason not to tell.

However, if you are already married, you also need to consider the effect on your wife if you do not tell her and she later finds out. One of her first reactions may well be "OMG, my husband did not trust me enough to tell me this big thing about himself!" which can lead on to "What else does he not trust me about?" followed by feelings of inadequacy because the husband felt the need to hide a major part of himself from his wife.

[Nick2Nikki]

I'm quite young, and not in a relationship, so I didn't have many of the pressures that other people here do. I never really felt that I had a reason to not tell, since I never considered it something to be ashamed about. Also, the more we're in the spotlight, the faster society will be forced to accept us. So while I didn't really actively tell people, I made no effort to hide it, and I always told the truth when asked. Of course now that I go by the name Nikita and am always dressed, absolutely everyone knows now.

So really the biggest reason to "get out there" is to help your fellow transgenders, even if it hurts you. And that's hardly selfish, right?

[Megan70]

...... It has permanently damaged our relationship!

Now, when I get the feeling that I need to TELL SOMEONE, I drink a glass of water, pick up a newspaper and wait until the feeling GOES AWAY!

I have said his time and time again, " Once you tell someone something ( CDing) you CAN'T take it back and un-tell them. "I know of at least one a couple of people that truly regret saying anything too, for they view me differently now and one cut off friendshipp. All because Ii was in a pink fog that night coming home dressed from a philharmonic concert and feeling so cavalier I had to just e-mail and share it down to telling her i was wearing a tight pinching girdle and bra straps falling down. What a complete ass I was , now looking back on it,she didn't need to know my secret that I chose to force on her and now she owned it,.
Think long and hard, you may want to kick yourself weeks, months,or years later.
People will NOT forget what you told them.

Megan

[PretzelGirl]

I am a proponent of telling before marriage. First, I believe there should be complete honesty in a marriage and secondly, if a spouse is going to find out, it is better done before all the investment that comes with a marriage including children. Once married, it does become more complex although I still believe it is a honesty thing. But there is far more to consider in the timing, delivery, etc. I can't see carrying around something so large without my wife knowing. But we all view marriages differently, so I know not everyone sees things that way. But the kicker is that it seems from being here a while that those that hide it have a high possibility of getting busted some day. So even though it gets tougher to tell as time goes on, the person involved has to look at the damage of "fessing up" vs the damage of getting busted and make their call. It is theirs to live with then.

[Eryn]

I'm also in the "honesty is the best policy" camp, but freely admit that it has dangers.

Ever since I can remember I had *very* negative attitudes about my "urge," which I didn't even realize had a civil name or acceptance at *any* level. I considered myself a freak not deserving of any consideration. That sounds pretty silly coming from a middle-aged college-educated person, but one is not always inclined to do research on something that one considers to be "far beyond the pale."

I finally managed to find out a little more about CDing and that there were others in the same boat. At that point the "tell the wife" dilemma came up. Keeping this secret was causing me great stress and impacting our relationship negatively so my decision was that she should know the truth.

It could have gone either way. I made mistakes, moved a bit too fast, and didn't communicate as well as I should have. My wife forgave me these slips and I learned that it was very important to her that she know what was going to happen before it did. Surprises are not good things in this relationship!

One thing, my wife and I have had many conversations and I think that we're closer than we ever were. She understands more about *why* I was the way I was before we had "the talk." I'm calmer and happier now and I think that impacts our relationship in a positive way.

That's why I told. I admit that I had unrealistic expectations, but I am still happy with the outcome so far.

[Rachel Mari]

As I have come to accept myself more and more and understand what it is that drives this need to dress and show my femininity in me...I want to open those curtains and come into the light because I am not going to go through the rest of my life feeling like my being who I am is wrong.

This is exactly how I feel. For years I never wanted to tell anyone, or be seen. As more time goes by however, the desire to tell someone, (other than my wife who already knows and my therapist) such as a friend, is becoming stronger and stronger.
There is the good point of someone you think would be accepting turns out to be not. Where's that paper?

[sissystephanie]

As many of the members on here know, I am a strong believer in honesty. However, that belief comes with some options. There is no option to telling your wife you are a CD!! She should be told, as mine was, before you get married. If she doesn't like the idea, you most likely will not be married!! Sorry, but that is life. Of course, you could quit being a CD but I doubt that would happen! I know that marriages have been broken because of crossdressing, and I am sorry about that. But if crossdressing is more important than love for a wife, than the marriage is probably doomed anyway. My marriage lasted almost 50 years, and she knew I was a crossdresser the day I proposed to her! And she still accepted me!!

However, when it comes to telling other people, that is a totally different option! You most likely do not know who they might tell! Do you really want to risk that? In the many years that I have been a CD, only a few people know who Stephanie really is! As an example, I am very active in my Church. But not one person there knows Stephanie! Nor will they, if I can manage that! Telling family or a therapist is one thing, but telling others is a whole other thing!! Not something that I would want anything to do with!

[BRANDYJ]

It's a matter of telling only those that you feel have a need to know. Or in the case of being married or otherwise in a long term committed relationship... a right to know. I know I could not keep my dressing secret from a wife or long term partner. Not a selfish reason, but it would be hiding a big part of who and what I am. It's part of me. They have a right to know. Aside from that, I have told several GG friends. But not before careful consideration about how accepting or understanding they may be. I felt them out on related issues first. But to tell children or parents even, that have no reason to know about this part of my life would be a mistake. Like the mistake I made once and only once. In a very down time in my life, I told an older brother. BIG MISTAKE since he is one of those holier then thou born again Christians lost in the brain washing of his church.
It's a way to be closer to friends to let them in on your deepest darkest secret and find that they still are your friend and maybe even closer then ever before. I have even told a couple of trusted male friends with good results. But again, it was after very careful consideration and feeling them out on related issues to see just how open-minded they really are. It can be lonely in the closet, so I think we all have a need to have a special someone that knows and accepts us as we really are.

[Megan Thomas]

Some interesting answers to this excellent thread. I've thought about my own situation and for me it's about personal freedom. I've done the keeping it a secret thing and it's stressful. On top of that when that secret becomes known (as they often do) the result is often out of our control. I'd rather have some control of how people find out and react, as much as possible anyway. Another aspect of keeping it a secret is having to hide things away around the house, living with curtains or blinds closed, often not answering the door or pretending to be out when an unexpected caller turns up. I found myself becoming introverted, secluded, and all to ensure I could dress.

Since I decided to be open about my dressing I'm out of the house more often. I am more relaxed, not fearing unexpected callers. I feel in control of myself and my surroundings. I go shopping more and don't worry about what people say or think if I happen to be in Bob mode buying a dress. I also find myself taking more care of my appearance for some reason.

I'm lucky in not having a partner to consider at the moment, but I have had in the past and sometimes they've been fine, and 1 has walked away - one I even sent packing even though she loved my dressing. I take the view if someone I fancy is still around after 2-4 weeks then it's time to tell them, because after that time things are probably starting to become serious and emotional attachment developing. Honesty ought to be the best approach because only when you're honest with yourself can you truly be honest with others. It's a risk but one with rewards...

Has being open about myself cost me friends? No, none at all, but maybe that's because I chose my friends wisely in the first place. However, some did take a little while for it to sink in and things to carry on as before.

Hope that helps someone. :)

[linda allen]

......... " Once you tell someone something ( CDing) you CAN'T take it back and un-tell them.

Very true and very important. And you have no idea how far it will go. Your family, your job, your friends ..............

I think if you want to be a crossdresser, you might as well tell everyone and live with it. If you want to be a person who sometimes crossdresses, you have to watch who knows about it.

[Jenniferathome]

I told my wife that I cross dress about 10 days ago. I did it not to burden her but to be honest with her and with myself. She had suspected for some time but her natural thought was that I must be gay or wanted a sex change (neither is the case). Her relief was almost as great as mine. Now, my situation ended as perfectly as one can hope, but I was prepared for much worse. Women are far more perceptive than men. If you have been cross dressing for a long time, I would bet she knows or suspects. Perhaps THAT is stressing her out. I think that unless your SO has some very strong moral beliefs where cross dressing would be deemed as horrible, the truth will make her feel better. As for stopping if requested, the answer has to be "no" because you'd be lying. This isn't smowing. As my wife put it, "there is a continuum of male and female expression. You may not be 'average' but you are normal." The truth has set both of us free. Prepare your disclosure, keep it brief, practice it, tell her and listen.

[QUOTE=Megan70;2435807]All because Ii was in a pink fog that night coming home dressed from a philharmonic concert and feeling so cavalier I had to just e-mail and share it down to telling her i was wearing a tight pinching girdle and bra straps falling down. [I]What a complete ass I was"

Perhaps it was how you told her, not what you told her.

[RenneB]

Great thread girls. I'm in the separate but equal camp. Those that tell, great good for you, those that chose not to, great for you too.

I can't go back those years before the gold ring and tell her my true desires, so I live with what I have. Right now the thought of paying alimony and losing the house, car, stuff... is just too much of a risk. Someday, just not now..

Renne...

[Tina B.]

Gina, I don't think lately has anything to do it. Seems like it is a weekly subject! As for me, I believe honesty an be over rated, I'm not prone to lie, as much as just omit things. I never tell my wife she is over weight, looks bad in what she has on, or is having a bad hair day. She does not want to hear it. But when it comes to why I told, I'm not good at details, keeping it hidden would have been impossible for me to do in the long run. Should have told her before we where married, but I hadn't dressed in years, and didn't know it was coming back. When it came back on me, the need to dress was very strong. We where having problems, that she didn't know at the time, where connected to my not giving into the need to dress. I was depressed, and filled with suppressed anger. I snapped at everything, and hated just about everything, starting with myself. When I realized what was the root of the problem I knew, we couldn't go on that way. So I told her everything, knowing it most likely would be the death toll for our marriage, but the only thing fair to the both of us. To my surprise, in less than two hours, all the questions she wanted answered where, and she took me shopping, and started my wardrobe, that was over 35 years ago, and our life has been pretty darn good ever since. We've had problems, but we both know we can talk about anything, and work out just about anything, because of the trust build with that little truth.
Tina B.

Disclaimer: this worked for me and my wife, that does not mean it will work for you,and your wife, and you should never do such a thing without giving much thought to the possible out comes, and how ready you are to deal with it, if it does not come out as you wish.

[Sophie86]

The first person I ever came out to was a psychiatrist I was seeing for anxiety and other issues. He accepted it so well, and made me feel so normal, that my first thought was "I should tell my wife!" His response was to discourage me from running home and doing that. I had already told him enough about our relationship that he did not think she would react well. It was not until several years later that I told her, and it was during a time when she had become a good bit more open about sex in general. She took it well, and has been very accepting over the years. She freely admits, however, that my psychiatrist was probably right about not telling her earlier, that it would have freaked her out too badly and might have pushed her away.

I can say this: At the time I was seeing a psychiatrist, my impulse to tell was motivated by the desire to be honest. I hated having to lie and sneak. That is an even more profoundly selfish reason than the hope of being able to dress more often and more openly. Both involve the desire to be true to oneself, though, and I cannot find any fault in them. Hiding one's true nature is an act of self-sacrifice, and there is really nothing noble about it. The only justification for it is if there are other values more important--e.g., wife and children--that would be threatened by the revelation. Each CD has to assess the threat and the relative importance of those values for himself. No one else can do that for him.

[Debra Russell]

I remember telling my wife before we were married -- still in high school that I liked to go shopping with my mom and sisters as I was the youngest and I have three sisters -- it happened a lot! well 43 yrs later after I slowly let her in on my other side, guess what she remembered? how odd she thought that was at the time! Well when I finally told her all there was a mixed reaction from I won't be around for the transition, to why -- you gay and all the rest. I just let it soak in and let her see the reallity of where I was -- I am still her man as I always have been but I think she knows that my femm side is a stableizing size of me and she allows it and I am respectful of her comfort zone. When the earge comes and the pink fog envelopes my consience and I long to tell others of my femm side I think -- do they want to know? What would they do and how would they react and what difference would it make to me? if there is a reason to tell, fine try to explain it other wise unless you don't have anything to loose think about it first -- give the fog time to recede. Usually it's for the best to give a hint of things to come and gradually open a line of thinking and communication when telling any one.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

I know there are the folks that push honesty is the best policy.


I am also wondering as was mentioned if there is also a selfish component to it.

There can be, but not always.


Or can it be now my secret is out and I feel free, unloaded of guilt.

Now that I don't consider selfish at all. Getting rid of the guilt is a good thing, and anything you can do to get rid of it is also a good thing.


So telling is not just about me but does affect others.. Just some musings.

That's right, and you have to decide for yourself...but trust me....honesty is a good thing.

Veronica

[Sophie86]

Now that I don't consider selfish at all. Getting rid of the guilt is a good thing, and anything you can do to get rid of it is also a good thing.

If you do something good for yourself, then you're being selfish. There is a modern tendency to define selfishness as the ultimate in evil, but then people have no word left to describe virtuous actions that are genuinely in our best interests.

[StaceyJane]

All I have to add is from personal experince. Once you get caught you can't take that back either. My wife found out about me and didn't say anything to me for almost a year. She did however tell my daughters and made them promise not to tell. Of course eventually one did spill the beans and tell me that she and her mother knew.
Because I didn't know that my wife knew I couldn't talk to her about her fears. she made some assumptions about me that weren't true. This caused some trouble later on.
Today we have worked it out and even though my wife doesn't want me to dress in front of her I don't have to hide my clothes and I can discuss my adventures out dressing with her.
Plus I have also been able to discuss my TS feelings with her and what I have to do to feel better.
It's not a perfect world but it is better than hiding.

[t-girlxsophie]

I honestly dont feel I have the right to tell anyone whether they should spill all,or not.We cant put ourselves in their shoes.All I can say from my experience is finding out when the relationship is in full flow can be too much of a shock.I vowed if I ever met someone new,I would share all with them and see how things progressed.Im so happy I did that,as I am now in a Truly,Happy Marriage with no secrets

Sophie

[Samantha43]

Now that I don't consider selfish at all. Getting rid of the guilt is a good thing, and anything you can do to get rid of it is also a good thing.Veronica

Is getting rid of your own guilt a good thing if it hurts someone you love? I think that is an act of total selfishness. I'll deal with a little guilt to keep from hurting my loved ones.

[Sophie86]

Is getting rid of your own guilt a good thing if it hurts someone you love? I think that is an act of total selfishness. I'll deal with a little guilt to keep from hurting my loved ones.

While you're sacrificing to keep from hurting your loved ones, why not just go ahead and give up crossdressing too? That way you never have to worry about them finding out accidentally either.

[NicoleScott]

Telling your wife that you're a crossdresser is, as Forrest Gump would say, like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get.

So be careful what you bite into.

[Samantha43]

While you're sacrificing to keep from hurting your loved ones, why not just go ahead and give up crossdressing too? That way you never have to worry about them finding out accidentally either.

I did the responsible thing. I told her before we were married. I didn't want to live a lie.

Yes, I would give it up to keep from hurting my loved ones. I went for many years without crossdressing. It wasn't easy, but I'm not the most important person in my life.

[JamieG]

I think this is a great thread with a lot of well-considered opinions. In the end, this is not a decision to be made lightly. I believe all of our opinions are colored by our own experiences: if we told and it went well, then we encourage telling, if it didn't go well or we are afraid that it won't, then we discourage telling. We frequently hear many positive stories on this forum, but we also hear some very sad ones.

I am in favor of telling, but do not condemn those who choose not to. For me, I told because I felt the secret was beginning to come between my wife and I. Yes, our relationship took a blow, but I think now that we survived that, it is stronger now than ever. In fact, today my wife just said that she wants to go to set up a a booth at a fair selling T-shirts that say "I heart my tranny husband." She was joking (I think ;-) ).

[TGMarla]

Thanks for saying these things, Gina. Well said. It's very easy for anyone who is involved in an accepting relationship to preach to those where the situation is still closeted from everyone. They have great advice, like "Honesty is the best policy!" And usually these things are true. However, there are exceptions to every rule, and more exceptions to the exceptions. No two situations are identical; therefore no single solution can answer all situations.


Now I will be able to dress whenever I want cause my wife/GF/So knows. Or can it be now my secret is out and
I feel free, unloaded of guilt.

Yeah, that'll do it. Now that it's out, I'll parade around the house in front of her in high heels and suspendies. Suuuuuurrre you will.

Telling the SO isn't always so black and white. And it's a hard thing to do. So more power to you girls who just haven't been able to muster it up yet. I get it. And there's a lot more to it than just sitting her down and spilling. My wife knows, but it took quite a process for her to even begin to come to grips with it. I wrote her a long letter detailing it. It was easier that way, since a lot of her questions would be answered before she even asked them, and I could tell it all to her without interruption. It sounds easy on paper, but it's always harder when you really do it.

I'd venture to say that most guys who are at odds with this situation as seeing it as a coin-flip's chance of losing forever the woman he loves. Not great odds. Many choose not to play them, if at all possible.

Anyone in between right now might well benefit from MarlaGG's thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner) up in the stickies all about how to tell your partner.

(She's pretty, and she's got a great name!) :D

[Sarah Doepner]

Why did I tell my wife? I didn't, I was caught and ended up frantically explaining what she had discovered instead. I wanted to tell her but didn't have the strength. But I was tired of hiding something that was significant in my life and needed more air or it would become unhealthy. In fact, it had become unhealthy and something needed to be done, but I couldn't see it at the time. I had been devoting more and more time to my crossdressing, taking more risks and I got what I had earned. I wonder now if maybe it was a passive way of telling since I couldn't do it face to face.

I'd wanted to share it with her but always saw that her life was already full to the brim and overflowing with drama. I didn't need to be the straw that broke the camel's back. So much for that option. When I was going to push the toothpaste out of the tube I wanted to do it gently and slowly so there wouldn't be a mess. I wanted to control the situation rather than just throw the new knowledge out there and hit the spin button. It didn't work out that way.

So I'm very, very fortunate that she took a deep breath and spent some time doing her research before we had the second and much longer part of our talk. She said that many of the things she loved about me were probably related to my feminine side and if crossdressing helped me maintain those good things, well okay. She made it clear that she wasn't pleased with the long term secrecy and lack of trust and that needed to come to an end, right now.

I recognized that it was unfair to load 30+ years of my gradually growing experience on her in two weeks without having an outlet. I told her that she had the right to share this with others if she needed someone other than me to talk to. Her sister, our adult children, close friends, whoever she trusted. I also encouraged her to seek out a counselor or use on-line options (I wish I'd known of this site at the time) if she wanted.

I support the Honesty First group, but would be a hypocrite is I claimed to be one of them. I support the Control the Disclosure group as well, but you see my story. So I guess I have to claim membership in the "One Lucky Crossdressing S.O.B." group.

[evett135]

Why tell? It's my life and it's none of their bussiness. If I am found out, then I'll move or stay away. I am not doing anything wrong, just being me. You would think they should be the ones to give me a good season why they don't crossdress. Maybe they should be happy I am a man that have balls to do anything he wants. I family found out. They started on my case. I moved out. Best thing I did at 17. My ex-wife asked me why I wear female chothes? I told her "because I can and they feel good and sexy.....same reasons as you have". If I would have told them, They would of hated me. I didn't tell them, they found and still hate me. I need "me" not the bullshit that they have to offer. So plan to get away from them and have a little of "the real you". evett135@yahoo.com

[Frédérique]

Lately there seems to be a push for spillin the old I am a cd secret. I know there are the folks that push honesty is the best policy. I am also wondering as was mentioned if there is also a selfish component to it. Now I will be able to dress whenever I want cause my wife/GF/So knows. Or can it be now my secret is out and I feel free, unloaded of guilt.

I wanted to spill the beans, tell ALL, and inform the uninformed because I feel that crossdressing is an amazing, beautiful thing, and I yearn to tell someone about this most extraordinary activity a male can do (if we’re talking about MtF crossdressing). Just imagine – voluntarily emasculating yourself for the benefit of pleasure, however fleeting, and filling your mind with all sorts of alternative sexual ambiguities, real or imagined. Ah, bliss!
:battingeyelashes:

Of course, few people outside of our little “community” can appreciate what we do, so the need for disclosure has to be held in check – I don’t wish to hear any negative comments, but I do understand how non-understandable crossdressing can be. Let’s just say I do not wish to burden another person with unwanted, or unsolicited information, while I’m in the process of hopefully unloading hypothetical guilt. I harbor no guilt about crossdressing, but making another person uncomfortable (via a disclosure) would produce guilt. With this in mind, I’ll just keep things to myself. Each time I’ve told someone I’m a crossdresser (transvestite), I’ve lost a little bit of magic, a very precious substance indeed…
:sad:

[Haley Heather]

Wow, that was very thoughtful and well written Frédérique.

[kimdl93]

I don't know what should be characterized as reasonable or unreasonable. Some people can be very intolerant of the idiosyncracies - others just go with the flow. Which one is being reasonable?

The question is what works in your situation and with your wife. My caution would be that your wife may infact already know, or suspect, or be picking up on vibes that can contribute to depression. You may be mistaken in your assumptions about how she will respond if and when you tell here, and if she already has questions or concerns, your secrecy also may be affecting her.

[charlie]

Hello Gina!
I think that those who advocate telling are those that have been caught. We are called lairs, cheaters, untrustworthy and all sorts of things for not telling our partners and being truthful about who we are. I really think that being open about being a CD with our partner is far better then being found out.