Lisa Maren
09-23-2005, 07:23 PM
Hi everyone.
Do any of you have ADD or another learning disability like I do? (I have ADD).
(This got quite long, so please bear with me!)
I was reading an article just now about the differences between boys and girls. One of them is that boys need rules and discipline. They're also attracted to games that have clear rules as well as clear winners and losers. Another is in the way that they best learn right from wrong. Boys learn that better with punishment. Girls evidently learn it better if you have them think about how they would have felt if the offense had been committed against them.
It occurred to me that my ADD (plus my smaller stature, 5'4") would have been quite enough to derail all of that for me, to cause all of the boy-related things I mentioned to be aversive and even scary for me. I didn't know I had ADD until I was a teenager and so I had no extra help with it and I always found it impossible to make teachers and parents -- and even peers -- happy with me. Thus, trying to win a sporting game was impossible because I couldn't compete with the larger, stronger boys around me, plus I probably had difficulty paying attention anyway. lol So I didn't give a rat's @$$ about who won or lost -- if I ever cared to begin with, which I really doubt. The point is that even if I had cared, I would have stopped because there was nothing I could have done about that anyway. I was always afraid of rules and discipline because I could never (remember to) follow the rules and I could not seem to avoid getting in trouble -- just classroom trouble and peer trouble, though, not anything violent or dangerous or illegal.
Imagine, then, what must have happened when I stumbled into the world of girls! My only sister, whom I adore, was born when I was 6 and while I watched her grow up, suddenly one day she was wearing a bra and suddenly another day she was wearing pantyhose. Her clothes were really pretty (and made me jealous). Naturally, I would have observed my parents treating her differently than the boys, being a little easier on her and things like that. There were daytime co-ed summer camps (and later an overnight camp) and intra-school functions like (ballroom) dancing school during my grade school years. Suddenly I would have found myself around all these people (girls) who didn't care who wins or loses and who worry a lot more about each others' feelings than about who wins the game, and who probably hate discipline, too. I would have (Would have?) felt like I belonged for once and could fit in and not be made fun of and they always seemed happy with me. I found people I could identify with, who were like me, or at least far more so than the boys.
Anyway, I believe I now have a ridiculously strong candidate for the possible origin and driving force behind me "synching with" femininity, wanting it within myself, reinforcing it within myself, hearing myself say that I prefer it, and even a damned good explanation for why I would turn to something like that for a release instead of something more boyish! Look at what I was seeking release from! I still believe that part of my femininity is emotional, that I am mostly a feminine person anyway -- I always was the sweet and gentle type. I remember doing things to emulate girls, too, at early ages. One time I saw my neighbor girl chewing on her pony tail and I tried to chew on my hair, too, but of course mine wasn't long enough. Another time I saw a girl toss her hair backward by moving only her head and I tried to do that only to have my father advise me that only girls do that. Another time, I was sitting in the front seat of a car next to a girl somewhere around my age and I had crossed my legs like a girl. I remember her telling me that only girls do that. Boys put on foot on their knee. I think she even showed me. Besides I was playing with mom's pantyhose by three years of age at the latest. I remember when I was 9 or 10, I found a pair of white tights in my sister's room that didn't fit her, but did fit me. (I know because I put them on!)
Anyway, there's also the conflicting messages about masculinity/femininity in me that I received from my domineering mother; most of you probably know all about that. lol If I was physically affectionate with her, she always encouraged and reciprocated that. If I acted up at all like a boy would, she would get annoyed. If I wanted to take a hot bubble bath like her, she would gladly help me with that -- at least as a small boy. The bubble part of the bubble bath approval was dropped later, though. As for my father, he did work a lot of hours as a lawyer, but he was around enough. My father, while masculine, does show some femininity. For instance, he's very emotional at a "tear-jerker" type movie, so here's the implicit message that some femininity is okay even in a boy.
My parents did not encourage my CDing. In fact, they always did their best to discourage it -- but I don't think I was ever actually disciplined for it, just advised against it, rather gently and without any penalty. And of course, in that is yet another conflicting message. They're saying it's not okay, but they're not punishing me for it! (Though in retrospect it's probably a good thing they didn't. It just would have been better if they got me a few things to dress in at home and simply advised me to only do so at home.)
Now we have me not exactly being penalized for femininity, and me embracing femininity as a solution to all of my problems relating to my inability to do things right as a boy. If my theory is correct, then these two things would have been working with each other to encourage me to feminize!
Anyway, I've gone on long enough now! I just wanted to share this line of thinking in case anyone might benefit from it or identify with it.
Thanks for reading!
Hugs,
Lisa
Do any of you have ADD or another learning disability like I do? (I have ADD).
(This got quite long, so please bear with me!)
I was reading an article just now about the differences between boys and girls. One of them is that boys need rules and discipline. They're also attracted to games that have clear rules as well as clear winners and losers. Another is in the way that they best learn right from wrong. Boys learn that better with punishment. Girls evidently learn it better if you have them think about how they would have felt if the offense had been committed against them.
It occurred to me that my ADD (plus my smaller stature, 5'4") would have been quite enough to derail all of that for me, to cause all of the boy-related things I mentioned to be aversive and even scary for me. I didn't know I had ADD until I was a teenager and so I had no extra help with it and I always found it impossible to make teachers and parents -- and even peers -- happy with me. Thus, trying to win a sporting game was impossible because I couldn't compete with the larger, stronger boys around me, plus I probably had difficulty paying attention anyway. lol So I didn't give a rat's @$$ about who won or lost -- if I ever cared to begin with, which I really doubt. The point is that even if I had cared, I would have stopped because there was nothing I could have done about that anyway. I was always afraid of rules and discipline because I could never (remember to) follow the rules and I could not seem to avoid getting in trouble -- just classroom trouble and peer trouble, though, not anything violent or dangerous or illegal.
Imagine, then, what must have happened when I stumbled into the world of girls! My only sister, whom I adore, was born when I was 6 and while I watched her grow up, suddenly one day she was wearing a bra and suddenly another day she was wearing pantyhose. Her clothes were really pretty (and made me jealous). Naturally, I would have observed my parents treating her differently than the boys, being a little easier on her and things like that. There were daytime co-ed summer camps (and later an overnight camp) and intra-school functions like (ballroom) dancing school during my grade school years. Suddenly I would have found myself around all these people (girls) who didn't care who wins or loses and who worry a lot more about each others' feelings than about who wins the game, and who probably hate discipline, too. I would have (Would have?) felt like I belonged for once and could fit in and not be made fun of and they always seemed happy with me. I found people I could identify with, who were like me, or at least far more so than the boys.
Anyway, I believe I now have a ridiculously strong candidate for the possible origin and driving force behind me "synching with" femininity, wanting it within myself, reinforcing it within myself, hearing myself say that I prefer it, and even a damned good explanation for why I would turn to something like that for a release instead of something more boyish! Look at what I was seeking release from! I still believe that part of my femininity is emotional, that I am mostly a feminine person anyway -- I always was the sweet and gentle type. I remember doing things to emulate girls, too, at early ages. One time I saw my neighbor girl chewing on her pony tail and I tried to chew on my hair, too, but of course mine wasn't long enough. Another time I saw a girl toss her hair backward by moving only her head and I tried to do that only to have my father advise me that only girls do that. Another time, I was sitting in the front seat of a car next to a girl somewhere around my age and I had crossed my legs like a girl. I remember her telling me that only girls do that. Boys put on foot on their knee. I think she even showed me. Besides I was playing with mom's pantyhose by three years of age at the latest. I remember when I was 9 or 10, I found a pair of white tights in my sister's room that didn't fit her, but did fit me. (I know because I put them on!)
Anyway, there's also the conflicting messages about masculinity/femininity in me that I received from my domineering mother; most of you probably know all about that. lol If I was physically affectionate with her, she always encouraged and reciprocated that. If I acted up at all like a boy would, she would get annoyed. If I wanted to take a hot bubble bath like her, she would gladly help me with that -- at least as a small boy. The bubble part of the bubble bath approval was dropped later, though. As for my father, he did work a lot of hours as a lawyer, but he was around enough. My father, while masculine, does show some femininity. For instance, he's very emotional at a "tear-jerker" type movie, so here's the implicit message that some femininity is okay even in a boy.
My parents did not encourage my CDing. In fact, they always did their best to discourage it -- but I don't think I was ever actually disciplined for it, just advised against it, rather gently and without any penalty. And of course, in that is yet another conflicting message. They're saying it's not okay, but they're not punishing me for it! (Though in retrospect it's probably a good thing they didn't. It just would have been better if they got me a few things to dress in at home and simply advised me to only do so at home.)
Now we have me not exactly being penalized for femininity, and me embracing femininity as a solution to all of my problems relating to my inability to do things right as a boy. If my theory is correct, then these two things would have been working with each other to encourage me to feminize!
Anyway, I've gone on long enough now! I just wanted to share this line of thinking in case anyone might benefit from it or identify with it.
Thanks for reading!
Hugs,
Lisa