Need Advice

[amie2889]

Hello all.
I'm quite new to the idea of crossdressing, and i would appreciate it if i could get feedback/advice on ways my partner and myself can deal with his crossdressing.

I recently found out that he has been crossdressing for years, ever since he was a child. We have been in a relationship for 5 years now, and engaged for 2. Prior to me finding out, i have never suspected anything.
Then one day he spoke to me about his crossdressing and how he feels he has no control over it, and that it is something he feels the need to do.
I don't know much about crossdressing, and i would be lying if i say i wasn't shocked when he told me. To be frank, and i don't mean to offend anyone by saying this, but i was questioning our relationship in the sence that, does that mean we can still live a life together, and have kids or will he leave me one day over it :S
Because i love him so much, i am willing to understand and educate myself about it as much as possible, and i don't wish to walk away from our relationship.
I guess i just want to hear from those of you who are married or in a relationship of sort and have experienced a situation like this. I guess i just want some hope that this relationship can work now and in the future.
And what should i be expecting?

Thank you

[christinac]

Amie, I really don't have an answer to your question, but I highly encourage you to read the threads and posts here because you will gain a lot of insite on crossdressers and the transgendered from several different angles in every type situation you can possibly think of.

Also try reading some of the old closed threads, because there is a lot of information in those threads that may answer some of your questions.

[GG Kathy]

Well I think first you have to find out if he/she is a cross dresser or if he/she is transgendered. Then if he/she is transgendered, Does he/she want to have surgery. Then you have to decide if you can go on this journey. I say ask the hard questions, listen to the answers and do not make a hasty decision. As in any relationship, it will take a lot of patience and work. Just remember you fell in love with the person not necessarily a man or a woman. I have been with my SO for 17 years. This is something that has emerged recently after being buried a long time. We have children and no matter what I can not see me leaving. (because of my love for my SO not because of the kids.) I have said it before and I'll say it again, be grateful the "other woman" in his/her life is him/her and not a stranger. I wish you luck and happiness. If you need to talk although I am not an expert I will help if I can but I know I can listen if nothing else.

[Sedona]

Amie, and the issue has to be raised. As you're a woman, and he's a guy, your first question is very possibly: Does this mean my man is gay?

Well, probably not. But, he's going to have to have that conversation with you. I think I speak for a lot of others on here in that we're not gay at all (really, at all), we just like to "dress up" from time to time.

Good luck and be well!

[darla_g]

I think the idea of his dressing being out of control needs to be brought into a more appropriate perspective.

First if you have been going out/engaged for such a lengthy period he can certain suppress his desires to dress so that you never knew. That is not out of control, that is very much under control so that he might not do something that might not be appreciated by you. The fact that he confided this in you is very important and a big step. I think his statement that this cannot be controlled really says this is part of him and there is a strong underlying compulsion to dress and now he feels he has a partner he can share this with.

I think as someone pointed out there is a question of whether he just likes to dress or whether he feels like he is trans gendered. Big difference here. You probably share the common misconception that he must be gay which actually turns out to be true in a very small number of cases.

You can have a normal heterosexual relationship and it can be acceptable to both of you if you are truly in love and open minded. Good luck.

[AnnaCalliope]

Kathy summed it up pretty good. You need to find out if he just likes wearing the clothes or if actually wants to be female. Also be prepared in the long run for that answer to change. At age 16, I thought my life would end if I didn't transition by 18, but then my parents divorced and I realized that my siblings needed their older brother to be around a bit longer to help pick up the pieces and get our lives back on track, so I delayed my plans for transition, and almost got married, twice. Now I'm back on the transition bandwagon and I've no intention of getting off again.

A lot of younger CD/TG, especially heterosexual men, think that getting into a long-term relationship with a female, moving in together, settling down and having kids will make the need to be femme somehow go away. It doesn't. My best advice to you would be encourage him to see a gender therapist and be open to attending the sessions with him if he's okay with it.

[SandraAbsent]

Amie,

I think you are in one of the right places here. Take some time read through the threads, especially the GG section. Its amazing that you are supportive of her and I wish you the best. It is very hard to "come out" to the ones we care about and there is a tremendous amount of fear on both sides of the fence. Take some time to talk to her and develop an idea of what dressing means to him mentally, physically, and emotionally. Establish what you boundaries are and work with her to expand them as you both come to a greater level of comfort.

My last relationship I told my then girlfriend on the 2nd or 3rd date and after a month together, we were going to support group meetings arm and arm. Its a little different for me because I live more of my life as Sandra then I do as "him." It was important to me that she accept me otherwise the relationship just would work. Taking steps and establishing boundaries was exactly what we did and so by the time she saw me fully dressed it came as no surprise. I guess this should be nothing ne though because communication is the 100% most important thing in any relationship. God bless you and good luck babe!

[Jenny Wilson]

Hi Amie,

As others have noted, is your beloved transgendered or a crossdresser. TGs have been born into the wrong body and many want to set things right by undergoing SRS (sexual reassignment surgery). Crossdressers, often termed transvestites, simply feel the need to dress in women’s clothes, but have no desire to transition to becoming a woman.

As for, “is he gay,” the number of gay crossdressers is thought to mirror the percentage of gays in the general population, so a guess is 10% (one generally accepted statistic) of crossdressers are gay.

These are questions that you fiancé needs to answer, but he/she may not be totally certain at the moment. That he/she is involved with you to the degree you two are engaged indicates it is likely he/she is not gay, but bisexuality should not be ruled out. Some serious soul searching needs to be done.

The advice to read the posts here, and anything you can get your eyes onto, is excellent. There is no one answer that sums up CDing for all of us, as we are all individuals. Note though, that many of us have been married for a long time, many decades in a lot of cases, and have had solid marriages. Sometimes our spouses have known and have accepted our CDing, sometimes they’ve known and tolerate it, and sometimes they’ve known and hate it, to the point that separation and divorce has resulted. Obviously, keeping something this important from our spouses is disingenuous, but invariably our lack of candor is a result of fear of the consequences of “coming clean.” For your fiancé to have told you was a major leap of faith.

Other point to note are:

1) Gender refers to what plumbing you were born with.

2) Gender identity refers to what gender you think/feel you are, regardless of the plumbing.

3) Sexual preference refers to whom you’d like to get cuddly with, same sex, opposite sex (both based on what plumbing you have) or both sexes (heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual).

Another concept to consider is that there are spectrums for sexual identity. For example, some women are “girly girls” and others are fairly masculine in appearance and then there is the entire range spanning those extremes. The same can be said for men – there is a range from “he men” to effeminate acting men. Yet there are girly girls who are heterosexual and girly girls who are lesbians. There are masculine (usually termed “butch”) women who are heterosexual and there are others who are lesbians. There are he men who are heterosexual and he men who are gay. There are effeminate men who are heterosexual and there are effeminate men who are gay. And there is the whole spectrum in between the extremes who are either heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. The bottom line is that you can’t pigeon hole people.

Women expect their men to be “men,” manly, not sissies. To find out your man wants to dress up as a woman shatters your image of “your man.” You have the feeling you have lost your “rock to lean on,” your “protector” may not be able to shield you. It’s as if you woke up one day and now the sky, which has always been blue, as you have been taught to expect (unless you live somewhere where cloudy, gray days is the norm), is going to be bright green from here on out, or from now on the sun is going to rise in the west and set in the east. Your basic beliefs have been shattered.

On the other hand, how about the pressure you, as a woman, feel to live up to the expectations society places on you? How well do you live up to those expectations? How feminine do you feel all of the time? Doesn’t it vary? From what I’ve read, most women these days resent the pressure to look feminine all of the time. They want to have the freedom to not wear dresses or skirts, not wear high heels, not have their makeup and hair done perfectly all of the time. They realize they aren’t a “super woman” (an unrealistic myth perpetrated by women’s magazines in the late 70s or so) and never will be.

This has gotten to be a long response and yet it hasn’t even begun to fully explore some of these points. Plus, I’m certain that some of what I’ve said will garner some ire on the part of some, but it is a starting point for discussion.

Good luck in your research and my compliments to you in your curiosity and open mindedness. I hope that all works out for the two of you.

Jenny

[Eryn]

Amie, welcome to the forum. You're pretty sure to find a lot of information here and I applaud you for seeking understanding of your partner.

One thing that nobody has yet suggested is that you get your 10 posts in and join the private FAB (Female at Birth) forum. That's a private forum open only to genetic women and you might find it more comfortable to discuss certain issues there.

When your partner says that he feels that he has no control over his crossdressing he is probably speaking in a broad sense. Since he managed to hide it from you for some time he probably has better control over it than he thinks.

For other answers all I can suggest that you do is talk to your partner. You obviously want your relationship to continue and you should be reassuring about that. Your partner is likely scared to death that he has ruined your relationship and he may not have a good understanding of his own path so don't be surprised if he answers "I don't know" to some questions. Talk, listen, and talk some more. Keep the lines of communications open and you'll have taken a big step toward getting your relationship back on an even keel.

I wish you both well, you're a very caring partner.

Eryn

[Julogden]

Hi Amie,

You'd probably be best off applying to join the forum here for females only, as we have several wives and/or girlfriends of CD's here, and they would probably be a big help to you. There are some requirements before you can join the F.A.B. (Female At Birth)forum, click here (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php?faq=pf#faq_gg_forum) to see what's required before asking for admittance.

Hang in there, and try not to worry, there are plenty of couples who are happily dealing with this.

I hope you and your partner both become members here and find all the support that you need.

Carol :hugs:

[Alice B]

Welcome. You have made a big step in coming to our site and asking. You will find lots of support and help here and there are many married cross dressers with children. I would suggest trying 3 things.

1. Go on the web and find as many articles about it for review. There is a wide spectrum to see.
2. Sit down and have an open and honest conversation. Don't be afraid to ask questions, especially those that you are worried about. Hopefully your SO will be totally open and honest.
3. Then establish ground rules for his dressing that you are comfortable with. That can range from total participation on your part to restricted times and places. It is all based upon your comfort level.

I did this with my wife and once we had ground rules things have gotten better for both of us and our strong marriage is gotten stronger.

[2SpeedTranny]

I guess i just want some hope that this relationship can work now and in the future.

Of course it can! Just depends on how sane you both are. Not much else really matters.

And run away from here before you hear any more horror stories! They'll soon have you thinking your fiance is about to dive off the deep end, and I rather doubt that's the case.




And what should i be expecting?


Expect nothing at all... go with the flow... in a Zen sort of way. If you're right for each other, you're right; if not, you're not. :)

[ReineD]

Hi Amie, and welcome to the forum! :hugs:

I see that many members have already suggested you join the FAB (female at birth) forum, after your first 10 posts. There's a link under my signature for this, and I invite you to do so. :)

=====================================
First though, I'd like to clear up some of the terminology, just to keep it consistent with the rest of the forum.

"Transgender [TG]" is an umbrella term that comprises everyone who crosses gender boundaries in some manner, although many people mistakenly confuse it to mean that someone is transsexual (which I explain below). The main subgroups are:

Crossdresser [CD]: mostly men who predominately identify as men, but who enjoy expressing femininity. (There aren't very many Female-to-Male crossdressers).

Transsexual [TS]:
a) Male to Female (MtF), or Transwomen, who feel they are women born in men's bodies and who wish to transition or live full time as women.
b) Female to Male (FtM), or Transmen, who feel they are men born in women's bodies and who wish to transition or live full time as men.

Dualgender [DG] (again, mostly birth males): a little used term, but one that more accurately reflects a person who has managed to strike a difficult balance - he fully identifies as a male when not dressed, and as a female when dressed. My own SO identifies as such. He has no desire to transition or live full time as a woman.

=====================================

I want to add that just as there are hetero and homosexual men, and hetero and lesbian women, there are also hetero, homosexual, and lesbian transgenders. In other words, gender identity is not generally thought to be tied to sexual preference. So it is incorrect to assume that a crossdresser is gay. There are gay crossdressers, but there are more who are heterosexual. They marry women, and they become fathers.

=====================================

Next, I'll add my voice to the others who suggest you should determine if your SO is transexual (not transgender, since everyone here is transgender to a degree). Does he feel he is a woman trapped in a male body? Would he like to have breasts, a vagina? Would he like to feminize his body in any way with major surgery, or take Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT)? The statistics show the majority of crossdressers/dualgenders don't want to take it this far, but it would be good to have an open and honest discussion about this, before you get married and have kids.

=====================================

Last, you are welcome to read all the posts here, but be forewarned this forum is comprised of members across the entire transgender spectrum. And nobody puts little tags next to their names to tell us whether they are TS, or CD, or what I like to call TSQ (questioning whether or not they are TS), or even if they are using the forum for fantasy. :) So until you've developed your sea legs and you can determine from reading posts what fits and what doesn't fit your situation, your best resource for information will be your SO. You can read posts here together and use them as a springboard for discussion, to help you both gain an understanding of where he's at with all of this, and what your comfort levels are. Your discussions might be heavy in the beginning, but you'll see, soon it will all fall into place, and you'll become a pro with all the acronyms just like the rest of us.

And one last thing ... there are things that might be scary to you now. I don't know you, but maybe the thought of body shaving might cause concern, for example. The importance is for both of you to go slowly with this. You need to try to understand that his needs are real and give him the space to express himself, and he needs to understand that you will need time to catch up to him. So hopefully, you both will reach the place of delicate balance somewhere in the middle, as you both continue to grow in your understanding of what this is all about, where it is going, and how it fits into your relationship.

My advice: your bf will get answers for himself all the sooner if he doesn't feel he has to hide anything from you.

I hope I haven't given you too much information all at once. :hugs:

[Tanya C]

Hi Amie
I'm a crossdresser who's been married 36 years to a wonderful woman who has always known about and accepted my cding, so consider my situation testamony to the fact that cd marriages can work out just fine. But communication is the key to accertaining just what you're getting into. For example, does he intend on remaining a cder or is he considering transitioning to a full time woman, because transitioning is a much different scenario from crossdressing, it just looks the same. And also keep in mind that cders occasionally transition late in life, but the majority of us remain cders. And beyond that point, even transitioning doesn't necessarily mark the end of a relationship, but it is a game changer.
The odds are you will be just fine but on the other hand no one can predict the future. But consider this, he was honorable to tell you up front about his cding as opposed to keeping it a secret for years. It also shows a degree of self-acceptance and confidence on his part, and I would imagine that is an attractive quality.

[erickka]

Hi Amie. You have come to the right place to get an education and really understand this crossdressing thing. Everyone here is very kind, honest and straightforward, and will help in every way possible. I too am a lifelong crossdresser who has been married to the same wonderful lady for 30 years. Although she is not accepting of my crossdressing, we have an understanding which does not hamper our relationshio in any way. Another "proof positive" on the other end of the spectrum, that relationships can still work out just fine, Best wishes to you, and welcome to the forum!

[Joanne f]

The only person who can truly answer your questions is your partner, but this is complicated by the fact that not everyone knows where they are going with it themselves as it is quite a diverse thing .
If it is just cross dressing then that can range from the occasional wearing of something feminine right through to going out fully dressed just because they like the feel of the feminine clothing, although most will put it all under the transgender title i feel transgender is slightly different as you can feel like you are both male and female at the same time or at different times so i personally think this is slightly different than some cross dressing , then you get into transsexual which is a different kettle of fish altogether as TS means that you are in the wrong body for you gender .
Now not all will no exactly what they are or where they are going with it as it can be a process of leaning for the individual and some of this learning can only happen with acceptance , and it can take time to accept who you are and this is helped by knowing that others will or do accept you then you can find you own individual level of it , you partner may have already reach his level of dressing by now in which case you will have little to worry about but even if your partner does believe that he/she is transgendered there still can be a future of life together as some on here will be able to tell you and not all TS transition .
These are just my thoughts on the situation and your partners may be very different so the only way is to keep talking to each other about it and say how you both feel about it .
Just one more thing there is this saying " the pink fog" and that is usually when a CDer has been allowed to have a free hand in their dressing and usually go`s way over the top with it for a while , that does not mean they will stay like that as it just means they feel suddenly free with it and things will normally calm down after a while .

[Shelly67]

Aime , I feel for you .
I'll only suggest this - be kind to yourself ,let the shock fade - show your partner this email . Try to be kind to each other . If you firstly can cease the stress you feel together , then in a calmer situation perhaps you can talk . There is no rush ,but you both need answears to questions . Please , both of you take your time . By talking , if it gets emotional try to agree on keeping the communication short , agree one thing , if it gets too heated back away .Don't torture each other or yourself . I should think youre both emotionally exhausted right now .
Just love each other .
I wish you both all the very best .
Good luck .
Shelly x

[Deanna B]

hi i just wont to say i am married and have kids and i just wont to dress i am happy here and i love my kids and my wife . my wife under stands a bit so if you like to talk to her
look me up and you to can chat she would love it because i told her 8 , 9 months ago so it is a bit new for both of us. you take care love deanna.

[NicoleScott]

1) Gender refers to what plumbing you were born with.

SEX refers to what plumbing you were born with, not gender.

[Julogden]

Hi Amie,

As others have noted, is your beloved transgendered or a crossdresser. TGs have been born into the wrong body and many want to set things right by undergoing SRS (sexual reassignment surgery). Crossdressers, often termed transvestites, simply feel the need to dress in women’s clothes, but have no desire to transition to becoming a woman.

As for, “is he gay,” the number of gay crossdressers is thought to mirror the percentage of gays in the general population, so a guess is 10% (one generally accepted statistic) of crossdressers are gay.

These are questions that you fiancé needs to answer, but he/she may not be totally certain at the moment. That he/she is involved with you to the degree you two are engaged indicates it is likely he/she is not gay, but bisexuality should not be ruled out. Some serious soul searching needs to be done.

The advice to read the posts here, and anything you can get your eyes onto, is excellent. There is no one answer that sums up CDing for all of us, as we are all individuals. Note though, that many of us have been married for a long time, many decades in a lot of cases, and have had solid marriages. Sometimes our spouses have known and have accepted our CDing, sometimes they’ve known and tolerate it, and sometimes they’ve known and hate it, to the point that separation and divorce has resulted. Obviously, keeping something this important from our spouses is disingenuous, but invariably our lack of candor is a result of fear of the consequences of “coming clean.” For your fiancé to have told you was a major leap of faith.

Other point to note are:

1) Gender refers to what plumbing you were born with.

2) Gender identity refers to what gender you think/feel you are, regardless of the plumbing.

3) Sexual preference refers to whom you’d like to get cuddly with, same sex, opposite sex (both based on what plumbing you have) or both sexes (heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual).

Another concept to consider is that there are spectrums for sexual identity. For example, some women are “girly girls” and others are fairly masculine in appearance and then there is the entire range spanning those extremes. The same can be said for men – there is a range from “he men” to effeminate acting men. Yet there are girly girls who are heterosexual and girly girls who are lesbians. There are masculine (usually termed “butch”) women who are heterosexual and there are others who are lesbians. There are he men who are heterosexual and he men who are gay. There are effeminate men who are heterosexual and there are effeminate men who are gay. And there is the whole spectrum in between the extremes who are either heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. The bottom line is that you can’t pigeon hole people.

Women expect their men to be “men,” manly, not sissies. To find out your man wants to dress up as a woman shatters your image of “your man.” You have the feeling you have lost your “rock to lean on,” your “protector” may not be able to shield you. It’s as if you woke up one day and now the sky, which has always been blue, as you have been taught to expect (unless you live somewhere where cloudy, gray days is the norm), is going to be bright green from here on out, or from now on the sun is going to rise in the west and set in the east. Your basic beliefs have been shattered.

On the other hand, how about the pressure you, as a woman, feel to live up to the expectations society places on you? How well do you live up to those expectations? How feminine do you feel all of the time? Doesn’t it vary? From what I’ve read, most women these days resent the pressure to look feminine all of the time. They want to have the freedom to not wear dresses or skirts, not wear high heels, not have their makeup and hair done perfectly all of the time. They realize they aren’t a “super woman” (an unrealistic myth perpetrated by women’s magazines in the late 70s or so) and never will be.

This has gotten to be a long response and yet it hasn’t even begun to fully explore some of these points. Plus, I’m certain that some of what I’ve said will garner some ire on the part of some, but it is a starting point for discussion.

Good luck in your research and my compliments to you in your curiosity and open mindedness. I hope that all works out for the two of you.

Jenny

Hi Jenny,

Going off on a tangent to the original subject: A very nice, helpful posting, but I think you've possibly got a couple concepts confused.

Gender is usually, in our community, taken to mean the same as gender identity, that is, our inner image of whether we are a woman or man. It doesn't have anything to do with genetic sex, which is what (usually) determines our "plumbing" at birth.

Sexual identity/preference/orientation determines who we are attracted to.

Carol

[UNDERDRESSER]

Aime , I feel for you .
I'll only suggest this - be kind to yourself ,let the shock fade - show your partner this email . Try to be kind to each other . If you firstly can cease the stress you feel together , then in a calmer situation perhaps you can talk . There is no rush ,but you both need answears to questions . Please , both of you take your time . By talking , if it gets emotional try to agree on keeping the communication short , agree one thing , if it gets too heated back away .Don't torture each other or yourself . I should think youre both emotionally exhausted right now .
Just love each other .
I wish you both all the very best .
Good luck .
Shelly xThis is a good one. Amie what you do, and where you go now, both depend on you and your partner. What do you need/want/feel? What does he need/want/feel? Does he just want to dress occasionally at home, in private? Does go out dressed? Or want to? If so, how convincing is "she" How do you feel about going at as "girlfriends"? You need to have some talks, find out where he is with this, where he thinks it's going, then explore what your attitude is.

We are such a varied lot on here, some just like the fabric, the look or feel, some of us feel we have an alter ego, that is our feminine side expressing, a few want to BE a woman and transition.

What you can expect depends on all those factors, you need to talk with him more. For myself, I am not in a relationship, and haven't been for some time. I am straight, and I would love to find a special woman to share my life with. Crossdressing is something I would have to tell my SO about if I find one, I can't see myself keeping that from someone I love. For you two, it might make the relationship stronger and deeeper, it all depends on the two of you, good luck.

[rachaelsloane]

Amie,
As the others have told you, the fact that he told you says a lot. Work with him on his CD'ing and your relationship will be stronger and if you need to set guidelines I am sure he will abide by them.
The Best,
Rachael

[Presh GG]

Hi Amie,

First welcome,
Yes, only your boyfriend can tell you how far he wants to take his dressing but keep in mind it will change and escalate over time and yes, it IS a true Need for a cd to dress. They can become extremely depressed if they are unable to do so. [ my experiance with my husband and all the cds I've known ] So what is true for him today might be totally differant in a year or two.
Getting and staying on the same page is most important.

To join FAB [ female at birth ] you will need 10 posts so may I ask how old you are ? That's another post

I am a GG , married 35 years, and am happy to talk with you if you get confused... It's alot to take in at first.

Best wishes to you,
Presh GG

[darla_g]

I'm sorry but I don't necessarily agree with you Presh. I think a lot of people may wish to escalate their dressing but I think everyone eventually reaches their "comfort zone". That comfort zone may be higher or lower than it is at the current time.

[Jilmac]

I have been dressing for 52 of the 66 years of my life. I was open and honest when I told my first and second wife (previously to marrying them) about my dressing. Neither one had the means to persue answers or advice as you do, so they each formed opinions based mostly on fear. Niether one approved and I kept it hidden most of my life. I am dating a wonderful woman now whom I have told about my dressing and she started asking me questions to which I gave honest answers. She also joined this forum to gain more knowledge about crossdressers and their significant others.

Please have a heart to heart talk with your partner, try not to be confrontational or analytical. Try to keep an open mind while reminding yourself of all the reasons you love him. You mentioned that he said that his dressing was out of control, perhaps that was his way of saying that it is a part of him as a whole and will never go away. I honestly can't speak for anybody else, all I know is what worked for me. As far as your other concerns (and again I'm speaking for myself), My crossdressing didn't affect my sexual desire with either wife, raising a family, work, or any other responsibilities. If your partner's attributes are what attracted you to him in the first place then perhaps his dressing can turn out to be just one expression of his true personality.

[charlie]

Hello Amie!
At least you are coming here, asking questions and trying to see if you can get your head around this. There is a part of this forum...the FAB female at birth part that is wives and girlfriends of crossdressers that can answer your direct questions best. My wife has not left me either. I am a crossdresser, but only view my dressing as some strange part of my dichotomy. I'm not gay, love my wife and family and do not want to be a woman. I think I'm like most of the posters here on the forum. Sign up to the FAB and get the opinions from other women who have had your same thoughts and worries.

[Nisha]

Amie.. get the book "My Husband Betty" by Helen Byod. It gives a good insight into cross-dressing and relationships.

<http://www.amazon.com/My-Husband-Betty-Love-Crossdresser/dp/1560255153>

My suggestion is to try being with him when he dresses. Go out a few times, get a feel of it. May be help him with make up, dress or even shop. You will get to know a different person as your partner.

Keep an open mind. Understand and take a decision. It will affect both your lives. Just don't try or even hope to change him. It won't happen.

-Nisha.

[Rianna Humble]

I realise that you want to hear mainly from those who are in a relationship -which I am not - but I would just like to add one thing to those who have already encouraged you to have a deeper discussion with your boyfriend. Whilst you need to find out what (s)he feels and how (s)he sees him/herself, you also should not be afraid to express your own feelings and anxieties during that discussion.

Your boyfriend has already shown that he respects you by telling you about his cross-dressing. I believe that shows that he wants to be honest with you and share the whole of himself with you.

For the record (since Reine is quite right that you cannot tell just by reading our responses to you), I am a transwoman, so please feel free to take that into account when weighing up what I have written.

[PretzelGirl]

Amie, there is one thing I always preach about reading this site to learn. While this site is a great knowledge resource and just as effective a therapy outlet, it is also a firehose of information. Just as you can say that there are all these differences between cultures and you belong to one, there are many aspects of all the people that are here and your partner is just one, a subset of all that we do. So soak it in, but please keep your mind open because until your partner says "I do this" and "I like this", then you don't know what is rolling around in that mind. We are all different but it all gets talked about here.

Thank you for coming and exploring. I think that you having an open mind is a great indicator of the strength of the relationship of your two. Have patience as we are used to being closed about this and you may have to talk often and for a while before all the comfort zones open up. The best of luck to you!

[Presh GG]

Thank you darla g,
Perhaps I should have left it at change, not so much escalate... depending entirely on where s/he is at now and eventually most comfortable.

Good night,
Presh GG

[Joanne f]

Well i am inclined to agree with you on that escalation is a good word to use in a lot of case`s as i have often used the expression of letting the horse out of the stable door :D, it is often a new found freedom that some will take full advantage of until there is some tightening of the reins by their wife/SO as it needs to be a two way thing not freedom for one while the other just sits and puts up with it .

[amie2889]

Thank you all for your advice and welcoming thoughts.
Each of you have helped me in some way.

I'm going to take upon the offer to join the other chat group.

Thanks again
...... =)

[Jenniferathome]

Amie, I came out to my wife about two weeks ago. It was the best thing I ever did for our relationship. She doesn't understand my need to dress any more than I. Sadly, cross dressing is not easy to explain but it is a deep rooted thing. My wife's view is that male and female is a continuum, not two discrete points. She has been fantastic but I asked her to set the ground rules so she is comfortable. For example, she said hanging my dresses in our closet was ok so I did. She also said she is not ready to see me in a wig and makeup, so she will not. Cross dressing is only a small part of one's life. You should set the ground rules so you are comfortable. Here's and upside for you: he'll never have a secret again. You can have a long relationship with total honesty. My wife and I are happier now than ever. Honesty did that.

[MrKunk]

Amie also remember some of us can be really discreet. I for one did not come out to my family or friends for 15 years. I am 28 now. I am heterosexual and am still interested in women, however I feel like a girl over half the time, so some people I run into have asked whither or not that would be more lesbian like mentally wise. To that I say they are asking the proper questions, but for that there really are not proper answers.

[AmyGG]

Hi Amie

Im the wife of a CDer and went through what you are going through about 8 months ago. Its a shocker isn't it???!!! My hubby couldn't come across as more manly if he tried and to have this bombshell was quite a shock. We are working through it but it hasn't been easy. Its up to you how you want it to work. I found that compromise is good. Make sure he knows of your views and what you are comfortable with and work on that. Honesty is always the best policy. My hubby and I have been married for nearly 10 years and have children. This is something I do not expect the children to be exposed to but do allow fem clothes that can be unisex. The up side of this that I have found is that clothes shopping is much easier - he is more willing to give his honest opinion rather than the shrug of shoulders I quite often got before. We also have girly nights when we sip wine and do each others nail varnish. He also has more perfume than me which i tend to use sometimes. We also have quite similar tastes over some things so anything he buys that doesn't quite fit usually comes my way!!

All I can really say is that if you really love this person there are good points to this but again your feelings and needs also need to be met. Even a normal relationship is all about compromise.

Im new here and haven't got my 10 posts yet to enable people to chat to me but if you would like to chat in the future please feel free to look me up on here.

Take care. Take one step at a time and be positive.

AmyGG

[kimdl93]

. The up side of this that I have found is that clothes shopping is much easier - he is more willing to give his honest opinion rather than the shrug of shoulders I quite often got before. We also have girly nights when we sip wine and do each others nail varnish. He also has more perfume than me which i tend to use sometimes. We also have quite similar tastes over some things so anything he buys that doesn't quite fit usually comes my way!!

AmyGG

I really appreciated Amy's perspective, and particularly that she acknowledged the "up side". The benefits are there, and they can be substantial, if one is able to see and experience. I'm a better spouse, I am certain, because I can be who I am, can express my femme side, and can enjoy girly things that I might have otherwise denied myself.

[june58]

I can imagine your shock when he told you. My wife and I were married for about 8 years or so before I told her and she was probably as shocked as you were. Based on our experience I would say is take it slowly and respect each others feelings and opinions when you talk about it. I took us several years and a lot of talking before we worked it out. We are still together happily married and she realizes it is just a part of me. She understands and tolerates it and we do a lot of shopping together. I have no desire to try to pass or go out while dressed, but it is nice to be able to dress and be myself at home. We also read a couple of books about crossdressing.

If you love each other you can work it out and come to an understanding. I wish you the very best.