Friends Got A Problem

[urban gypsy]

Hi, to you all,
My wife and I are in a dilema. One of my wife's lady friends turned up on our doorstep yesterday evening in floods of tears, apparently she got home from work early and found her husband dressed as a woman.
After the intial shock all she could do was shout and scream at him, called him some very nasty names, then she broke down and walked out.
This was the point at which she turned up at our house.
Now my wife can sympathis with her as it was fairly similar to how she found out about Joanna.
Now she has admitted she still loves him but thinks he might be gay and fancy men more than her.
My wife has tried to give advice but keeps being asked how she knows so much on the subject as the friend does not know that I cross dress.
Now at this point is where we could do with some advice.
1. Do we just support her through this and keep quiet about Joanna?

2.Do we let her Know about Joanna and show her that it not so bad to have a cross dressing partner?

3. Should one of us approach her husband and find out if it was a one off or if it was a regular thing?

4. Do we just get them back together and then step back and let them get on with it and keep well out.

5.Give her this forums address and let her deal with it herself?

So come on girls the more advice the better.

[Raychel]

If you and your wife are happy together and are having fun with your crossdressing, then I would definitly let her know about Joanna. It will take some explaining about how much fun you have, and she may still not accept the idea. But at least it will let her know that not all crossdressrs are gay or want to be with men.

I would also give her this address of this forum, there is a tremendous wealth of information here and a very cross section of people. She will be able to find out what crossdressers are really about.

Maybe you could also get with her husband and let him know about Joanna also, That way the 4 of you could work thru your issues together, after all 4 heads are better than 1

Keep us informed

[Julie York]

Do you not recall your cousin....the one you don't talk about? The one who is a crossdresser and that is WHY you know so much about the subject? But who happens to be a very nice person with a loving wife and so on and on.....

There's your answer.

[Lawren]

First of all. Are you and your wife good friends with her or did she just randomly pick an aquaintance to run to? Could Make a difference in your approach. I do think that Joanna will be "brought out" in the end but I would suggest that it be done very gently. Your neighbor is probably very confused and distraught right now and more such surprises may be the last thing she needs. If she is already asking your wife how she knows so much about crossdressing husbands then it will be easier to break the news to her. I wouild suggest that you like the the ladies talk, as they will, and let things take their course. Eventually, probably sooner than later, she will have to talk to her husband about. The more informed she is at that point the better off she will be to handle it correctly. I would not let her husband know that you know as this might cause a division between them. He may be very touchy about "his secret" getting out to the neighbors through her. After Joanna is introduced refer her to this site so she can gain insight into the situation. Then allow her to approach her husband on her own as this is more or less a "pillow talk" situation for them. After she has had time to smooth thing over in their home would be the time to approach him with Joanna. Hopefully, you will develope a friendship through this common ground.
Well, thta's my $0.02 worth. I hope it helps.

[urban gypsy]

The girl in question is probably my wife's best friend have have known each other for years. Her husband comes to classic car shows and jet skiing with me regular. and I would call them close friends.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

i know what i have to say wont be much help but i just have to say it REALY CHAPS MY ASS that sooooooooo many small minds jump right to " are u gay?" when they see a man wearing womens clothes,,but not a millisecond of thought is given to a woman in pants if she is a lez...

i know a few gay men and they wouldnt be caught dead wearing womens clothes...

with all the other problems in the world today ur s/o crossdressing should be wayyyyyyyyyy on the BOTTOM of ur list of worries...

crossdressing as far as i know never killed anyone....its like tv, if u dont like what u see then change the channel,or look the other way...


ok ill shut up

[urban gypsy]

I feel that the comment that you always hear when a man is found in womans clothing are they gay is a preconcieved idea. but it does always seem the natural response, my wife asked me the same question when she found out about joanna. but as she now knows and most of us on this forum that it is not the way of most cross dressers to want a same gender relationship.

[Donna]

It is always best to let other people handle their own issues.

Donna

[urban gypsy]

Its hard to let friends as good as these struggle through this without a little help

[Jenny Beth]

Joanna I'm not sure what I'd do in your shoes but it's obvious you can't ignore what happened. I suppose the first thing I'd do is to tell your friend that his wife came over very distraught and told you everything. No doubt he feels like his world just came crashing down and he hasn't a friend left, let him know that you are still his friend, he too needs someone to talk to. Maybe he's a member here, who knows? Secondly this is something they have to go through together and mentioning Johanna could complicate things, so for now I'd just play it cool and act as if this is no big deal. You and your wife are in a position to help both of them simply by giving them a shoulder to lean on, right now they need it.

[urban gypsy]

Hi Jenny I think you could be right. and introducing joanna could be the wrong move at the momment. But just being there could be the right disecion.

[Brianna Kylee]

what i think, is that you should just let her calm down first. talk to her more about the issue, and then tell her about joanna. this might help her out a lot. especially since she will be able to confide in your wife about this since she has already gone through the experience.

[Kiera]

Wow! I wonder how often a circumstance like this happens???

My advise is this.... If you are not comfortable in others knowing about your dressing, I would not tell your friends outright that you cd, obviously they are not at a rational point with level heads at the moment. There is always the chance of one of them outing you in the midst of confrontation.

At the same time I think you ought to try and help... I was lucky to find a woman who has accepted me for me, but only time will tell if your friend has as well. As I have read from this forum, many SOs do not tollarate cding. I would give them a little time to let the recent discovery sink in, definitely refer them to some of the many sources of "positive" information on the web, and if they want to talk... simply listen and respond with the insight that only another open minded person could have...

Good luck...
Kiera

[Teddie]

Do you not recall your cousin....the one you don't talk about? The one who is a crossdresser and that is WHY you know so much about the subject? But who happens to be a very nice person with a loving wife and so on and on.....

There's your answer.

I like Julie's answer to this, at least for a start. It may come to the point that you your fem side comes out to them, but you have to play that by ear. I hope you can bring her to seeing that her husband probably isn't gay. But, as most of us know, just a part of him.

[Rachel Morley]

Gosh this is a tricky one. I suppose my advice would depend upon the security of your marriage and specifically the security of the crossdressing status in your relationship.

If you can be sure that your wife accepts your crossdressing as part of you, and it is all of you that she loves, then no matter what your wife's friend says to her she will still be ok with you, your dressing, and ultimately your marriage.

I say all of this because I believe that the best way to help your wife's friend is to tell her about you and your situation. She probably feels alone and isolated about all of this. To find out that her best friend also has this going on in her life and nothing bad has happened is a really going to help her.

But, on the other hand if your wife secretly doesn't accept your crossdressing and you do "spill the beans" to your wife's friend she may negatively influence your wife against your dressing and ultimately damage your relationship.

It's a tough call.

[DonnaT]

If your wife is comfortable with her friend knowing about you, then I'd say it's time to open the discussion fully.

Note, that your wife's friend may take issue with y'all keeping mum about your secret should she later find out. Another one of those trust issues that keep popping up. After all, she opened up to y'all, trusted y'all with this and probably hopes it goes no further than y'all. She deserves the same respect.

There are some benefits to be gained by being open as well. Just imagine the fun you four can have with an enfemme party. Or imagine you don't need to run and hide if you're dressed and they come to the door.

[AngGG]

I like everyone's responses to this thread, they have given some very good advice.

From a personal point of view, I have to say I felt very isolated when I first found out. Having an accepting gg friend that I could talk to openly would have probably helped me get to the point where I am today faster. :wink: Good luck to you.

[HaleyPink2000]

Seems quite the thing that might have been on the books for us all HUH?

Wife finding out in some way or another and talking to her friends about us.

First thing is to keep it to yourselves about them. Their security should be as paramont as your own. Be sure this is done. Keep their secret between just you and them.

Secondly, if I may. Don't beat around the bush if they are friends then make every effort to help. There is no butting in thing if they come to you. Myself I'd have him over for a chat with you all and his wife. Tell them both at the same time. Wear your black and white Ref Shirts and blow the whistle when things start to go wrong. Call time outs etc. Remember they are in the same mode you had been in a while back.

Lastly for you both, you and your wife. Love each other without limits. Put no limits or boundaries in your love, for one and other. Let nothing stop you from your feeling for each other. Be assertive to your wife, and let her know how much you care for her “ Big Time”.

Love to you and yours.
Haley:)

[sue_donim]

Do you not recall your cousin....the one you don't talk about? The one who is a crossdresser and that is WHY you know so much about the subject? But who happens to be a very nice person with a loving wife and so on and on.....

There's your answer.


Personally I agree with julie.
Also if you or your wife mention Joanna at this moment in time your wife's friend may think that you both already knew about her husband and have been deceiving her all this time.

Hugs
Sue_donim :)

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Until your friend's wife calms down -- and you can be sure telling her might not have unintended consequences -- it's probably better to be discrete.

Whether it's a cousin or just "someone you know," I think Julie's idea is a good way of being able to be informative without disclosing more than you want to. In fact, you can always say you're being vague about that "someone you know" to respect their privacy.

As far as approaching the husband, that's a delicate question. OTOH, he may be freaked out that his wife has told someone about it. OTOH, he probably could use some support, and your secret is probably going to be safer with him. OTOH, given the drama is in his life, he might be tempted to tell his wife as proof that's he's not the only one. So again, it's probably better to start with just saying you know someone. As to whether to approach him, you're probably in a better position to judge that.

It is probably useful to give one or both of them a link to this site, especially since it doesn't look like you've got a photo posted (which might give you away -- but you might want to change your profile location to be a bit vaguer).

[Phoebe Reece]

Joanna,

It's a tricky situation balancing your own need for security against your friends needs for understanding about crossdressing. You and your wife are in a unique position to be very helpful and possibly rescue your friends from a serious conflict.

If it was me, I would definately take the chance to go ahead and tell both the distraught wife and her husband about my own crossdressing (after consulting with and gaining concurrance from my own wife, of course). That way, I could easily provide reference not only from my own life experiences, but could direct the couple to outside resources (such as this forum) with some authority.

If the situation was reversed, wouldn't you want your close friend to take a chance to help you out?

[CharleneCD]

Exelent advise from all sides. My take is, discuss all decisions with your wife beforehand, and work on them together. If you do decide to tell them, remember that there is now the opportunity for others to find out about your crossdressing. If you decide to out yourself to them you will need to trust your wife to know the best time to tell her GG friend.

Warnings aside, I think there are many good reasons to think about coming out to them.

1. If you dont and they break up, you risk losing friends.

2. Helping friends out feels good and makes those friendships deeper.

3. And lastly we all enjoy sharing our dressing with others. How much better can it get than to share it in person with friends.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.