I came out to my wife last night...

[katesometimes]

Not about cross dressing, she has known about that for over 25 years now. What I came out about was my membership here. She was not happy about this. She prefers that I keep my cross-dressing between us and especially did not like that I had shared pictures of me on the site. At her request I have deleted them.

This has been a blow to her trust in me and in my openness to her. I'm going to have to work a bit to regain her confidence in me. I know this may not seem like a lot to most of you, but we have a very close and intimate relationship, sharing everything. She is my best friend and a most wonderful wife, so I'm committed to making things right.

I'm not sure how active I'm going to be here over the next few weeks, certainly a lot less than before. I can't leave all of you and this wonderful site behind, so I'll be dropping in from time to time. Thanks for your support!

[kimdl93]

I think it was better of you to tell her, rather than have her stumble upon the site. Perhaps after the initial reaction has dampened, you can encourage her to visit for herself. On the whole, she may find that this discussion group makes a positive contribution to the lives of CDers and their families.

[Amy Lynn3]

At least you told her. Better late than never they say, as I'm sure you thought nothing of being on this site. Maybe?

[RenneB]

And I thought asquared was more liberal than that. What about the hashbash, does she not like that too? Gee that's only been going on for ohhh 40 years or so.

I still think that this country has it's values mixed up. In europe, Germany in particular, prostitution is legal, speeding on the autobahn is legal, but get caught with pot and you're in the slammer. Topless beaches are no big thing over there. However, over here, get caught with a lil' pot in Ferndale or Asquared and it's a parking ticket. Watch someone get chopped up on the movie and it's PG, but want to watch some female au natural and it's rated R or X.

If I ever get more zeros in my checking account I'm headed back to the fatherland.... I'm getting tired of doorknobs and billboards (niether of which they have over there).

A few years ago, my SO caught me online watching pictures of women without clothes. She said, as long as it's just that and no real stuff, she's okay with my online women. Dressing as one, well that's another story. Still in the closet about that one. for now.. but the door is starting to crack open..

Renne....

[teri50]

You did the right thing by telling her of your being a member on this site...In time she might actually join the site and see all the help that is provided by everyone and the support we all get from one another...At that time she might realize that this site is a good thing...Hope everything works out for you and your SO...

[kristinacd55]

Patience Tatayana....perhaps she'll come around in time. My wife knows i'm on here and my other sites too. She goes from wanting to separate to doing my makeup before I went out last Sat. night....

[Cynthia Anne]

I hope the best for you in making the right decision! Give her time to digest and let her know your love for her! In time, perhaps she will see how this forum has helped thousands to cope with there lives!Hugs!

[MrKunk]

It sucks that your wife can not accept something as simple as you being on a support site. She needs to reexamine why she is uncomfortable with you being here,
is it because she feels you will take more advice out here rather than from her? Is she concerned about her relationship with you? Is she afraid of losing your attention?

[katesometimes]

Hi everyone! Just to be fair to my wife, I don't think it is so much a problem with me being here as it was that I didn't tell her, hid my activity, and lied about what I was doing when asked. That's not fair to her or our relationship.

[Eryn]

While I can agree with her to a degree, it seems like an overreaction for her to object to you communicating with other like-minded persons. It smacks of shoving you deeper in the closet. I belong to several different forums concerning different topics and I didn't ask my wife before joining any of them, nor would I expect to be given veto power over the people with whom she associates.

Perhaps you should encourage her to join and get together with the other GGs in the FAB area. She might appreciate the ability to talk things over with other women who know exactly where she's at.

[RachelF]

I think that if she takes a look to the site, specially the SO part of the forum, she will realize how helpful is the site for CDs and SOs. She can even found some help to deal with the situation, because even she knows about your being a CD, maybe she still needs to clarify some doubts. And it is not a matter of just you both getting together and talking about it, sometimes opinions from people passing the same bridge could help. I hope she understands why sharing here was important for you (and for us, the rest of the community), and that helps to diminish a little bit your little secret sin.

[ReineD]

This has been a blow to her trust in me and in my openness to her. I'm going to have to work a bit to regain her confidence in me.

If you had showed her this forum before you joined; had you both sat down together and read some of the threads in the MtF CD section that is open to the public, would she have nixed the idea?

I don't live in your wife's head, but a common fear among GGs is, their husbands are *secretly* attracted to all those other Cders, and this is why they post pics of themselves ... in order to entice them sexually. Your wife may not realize that it is important for you to just make friends, buddy style, and also that it is natural to want validation for your presentation. So I'm guessing she feels betrayed because without discussing it with her before hand, you joined a forum that has (in her mind) the potential to become rather intimate.

When the time is right, you might reopen the discussion and ask her what it is about this forum that frightens her, and why exactly does she feel betrayed. And then if she is open to the idea, you might just offer to sit down with her and read the threads together. This might even be beneficial, since it will offer her the opportunity to ask if you feel the same way about the topic at hand, as do the other people posting in the threads.

[GG Kathy]

I think Reine hit the nail on the head. I think it may be fear that you are looking to hook up with some one else. It may just be a trust, or control issue, or she may be embarrassed. Keeping it between the two of you keeps it private. Try to get her to check out the site and see what it is all about. She may find some support here also. Good luck.

[Claire Cook]

I think Reine hit the nail on the head. I think it may be fear that you are looking to hook up with some one else. It may just be a trust, or control issue, or she may be embarrassed. Keeping it between the two of you keeps it private. Try to get her to check out the site and see what it is all about. She may find some support here also. Good luck.

Kathy, this is sage advice.

[Allsteamedup]

Well, that approach didn't work for me, Reine.
My husband knew I was on here, because sometimes I would tell him what I had read.
Then he decided that I was only on here to talk about him! a typical cders 'it's all about me or nothing' approach.
So I showed him posts I had made in unrestricted areas, mostly supportive of others.
He joined, but didn't tell me 'til Christmas morning, as we arrived at my daughter's house.....
Like this wife, I am hurt by the deception, and the things he's prepared to tell perfect strangers that he wouldn't say to me. Some of this is very hurtful, and a lot, of very questionable truth.
He has found some of the postings helpful to his own situation but he has started hiding a lot of stuff on here and visiting other sites. If these are OK why is he hiding what he's doing?
I think your wife's fears are very well-founded and trying to recover trust after some needless deception is going to take a lot of your time.
How would you feel if she was on an open forum site sharing her sexuality, private thoughts, marriage and whatever? That would be OK, would it?
Good luck!

[ReineD]

Like this wife, I am hurt by the deception, and the things he's prepared to tell perfect strangers that he wouldn't say to me. Some of this is very hurtful, and a lot, of very questionable truth.
He has found some of the postings helpful to his own situation but he has started hiding a lot of stuff on here and visiting other sites. If these are OK why is he hiding what he's doing?

That's precisely what I'm saying! :hugs:

It's the hiding and the unknown that causes issues. The sooner husbands and wives can get real and honest with each other, even if they disagree initially, the better. There are no surprises or misconceptions this way.

I don't know what your husband has said or done here, but I can well imagine any wife getting freaked out if her husband minimizes his feelings and gives her the impression he can take or leave the CDing and only wishes to express himself occasionally, while in the forums he tells others he would have loved nothing more than to have been born a woman or would transition if he could.

When I suggest that both the husband and wife read the posts together and discuss them, it implies complete and total honesty about their feelings and fears about what they read ... even if it freaks the wife out initially when she hears the truth. At least she won't think her husband is here to pick up people or to engage in activities that will provide great fuel for sexual self-gratification (which many wives would feel threatened with, since they might believe their husbands are attracted to CDers more than their wives).

And even then ... if the husband does get off on other CDs here, better they should discuss this now and either decide how they can handle this, or if they can't, then decide if they should just move on. This is rather extreme, but I have a hard time writing posts without discussing all the possibilities.

[kimdl93]

In the distant past, but during the internet era, I made the mistake of joining an early CDing social networking site for several months before telling my wife about it. She was upset, read through many of my posts and exchanges with other members, and frankly was a bit disturbed by it all. I have since made it a rule to never join a site if I am not comfortable sharing it with my wife. She knows about this site, reads my posts occassionally, but hasn't found the time or interest, I guess, to be more actively involved.

[katesometimes]

That's precisely what I'm saying! :hugs:

It's the hiding and the unknown that causes issues. The sooner husbands and wives can get real and honest with each other, even if they disagree initially, the better. There are no surprises or misconceptions this way.

<snipped out some content>

When I suggest that both the husband and wife read the posts together and discuss them, it implies complete and total honesty about their feelings and fears about what they read ... even if it freaks the wife out initially when she hears the truth. At least she won't think her husband is here to pick up people or to engage in activities that will provide great fuel for sexual self-gratification (which many wives would feel threatened with, since they might believe their husbands are attracted to CDers more than their wives).

And even then ... if the husband does get off on other CDs here, better they should discuss this now and either decide how they can handle this, or if they can't, then decide if they should just move on. This is rather extreme, but I have a hard time writing posts without discussing all the possibilities.

Reine, you put this very well (as usual)

I have spent the last week or so visiting and discussing this site with my wife and my crossdressing desires. It turns out that a lack of open communication on the subject has caused each of us to misunderstand the other. I had always thought that she enjoyed the fetish part of my dressing so focused on that. She thought that it was all that I desired so didn't understand what my dressing was about. Not going into much details, but I've learned that my very wonderful wife is very accepting of my desire to dress and is happy and relieved that I want her to fully be a part of it. We are still exploring exactly what this means in the long run, but I will learn and explore it with her by my side.

In the meantime, I'm back on the site with her knowledge and sharing the experience with her.

Another point I'd like to make for the SO's that might see this...at first I treated this site as more of an online "game". I have played role-playing games since way back in the early 80's, both on computers and with paper and dice, and always played female characters. Tatyana is not the real me, but an online role. In real life when dressed I'm not Tatyana, but me in a dress, and its a totally different thing. I'm going to remain Tatyana in name only on this site, but am going to be more like myself in my responses and attitude. This means less flirty and more guy like in manner. I'm not saying that all of the people on here are like that, but it is important to define that how someone presents here may only partially reflect that persons real thoughts and desires. It may be tough to believe when told this, but try to be open minded and look at all the evidence.

[Phoebe P.]

At least she won't think her husband is here to pick up people or to engage in activities that will provide great fuel for sexual self-gratification (which many wives would feel threatened with, since they might believe their husbands are attracted to CDers more than their wives).

And even then ... if the husband does get off on other CDs here

WOW! I can't even imagine that and it never occurred to me! You are quite thought provoking once again Reine!

[Gaby2]

Hi Tatyana,
your post shows a very human honesty. The initial calculated risk you took by joining up and sharing pics without your SO's consent seems to be paying off. The future belongs to those who dare... ?



When I suggest that both the husband and wife read the posts together and discuss them, it implies complete and total honesty about their feelings and fears about what they read ... even if it freaks the wife out initially when she hears the truth.
One big advantage of posting on the forum is that it allows me to record my feelings and personal development. It's nice having a data-source of what I've been thinking and feeling. Every now and again I look back and indeed use the posts to clarify my behaviour when discussing cding with my SO.


At least she won't think her husband is here to pick up people or to engage in activities that will provide great fuel for sexual self-gratification (which many wives would feel threatened with, since they might believe their husbands are attracted to CDers more than their wives).
Learning from others here helps me to separate sexual cding needs with many other emotional aspects of cding. This had been a serious barrier to discussing cding with past close relationships.
All the best, Gaby

[katesometimes]

Hi Tatyana,
your post shows a very human honesty. The initial calculated risk you took by joining up and sharing pics without your SO's consent seems to be paying off. The future belongs to those who dare... ?

All the best, Gaby

While it is true that my wife and I understand my crossdressing desires better than ever, I still wish that I hadn't lost the total trust she had in me. I miss it and see flashes of hurt in her behavior still. It will be a long time until she feels as close to me as she did before this site came between us.

[Gaby2]

While it is true that my wife and I understand my crossdressing desires better than ever, I still wish that I hadn't lost the total trust she had in me. I miss it and see flashes of hurt in her behavior still. It will be a long time until she feels as close to me as she did before this site came between us.
I hope that you can reinstate that precious "total trust" ASAP.
We all cherish it so much.
Even a short time can seem like an eternity when feeling like this.
I feel for both of you. You are indeed very lucky to have each other.
Gaby

[Jeannie]

Listen dear, the wife is all important in everything that we do. In my book you did the right thing. Now you have a lot of fences mend and egos to sooth. I never, ever, not no way, not no how do anything without first talking about with my wife first. A lot of people I know think that I am a wussy but after 2 other wives and 22 years of marriage to this one I have found that honesty is in deed the best policy and now I get pretty much what ever I want without all the fuss and fighting. If we can afford it then it is done. So now do what you have to do to maintain.

Jeannie