Kokoro
03-17-2011, 04:40 PM
It's been a while since I've posted so I thought I'd give a bit of an update.
A few days after making this (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?146481-Another-spanner-in-the-works) I decided I needed some sort of guidance that no amount of therapy or self-searching could answer. I'm not a very religious person but I'm deeply spiritual. So I decided to visit a Medium or Clairvoyant. If I'll be honest it didn't really answer anything. She was right about plenty of things, but completely missed the mark on others. When I asked the question of whether I was male or female she answered first of all that it didn't matter as we are all of a single nature spiritually but when I pushed the question she said she could see me in the future as a man. I was extremely careful not to let anything 'slip' as I know there are some fraudsters out there. Funnily enough despite my transgenderism being a big part of me and all the turmoil that's gone with it I'm surprised she didn't come right out and say it if she was actually the real deal.
Anyway, I went in with an open mind and took what she said with a grain of salt but her response seemed to qualm my anxiety and answer my question. So for nearly 2 months I settled into a mindset of being male and was working towards a male life at the end of the rainbow. Despite this I didn't discharge myself from the gender clinic or cut my hair to male length or start wanting to work out etc. You can probably tell where this is going...
Around 2 weeks ago the thoughts returned and when my mind isn't focused on college work or TV or anything else it wanders to thoughts of being female and transitioning. I wouldn't say it's back to square one but I've definitely gone down a few rungs on the ladder.
I'm curious though as I've been a firm believer in destiny for many years now but if someone has 'prophesied' that in a few years time I'll be very much male it gets my mind wondering if this is some sort of test, that it's all a big conspiracy from the other side to teach me some sort of lesson that I must ultimately somehow come to terms with and arrive at being male. Or Vice Versa. I guess it's kind of like my faith is being brought into question due by my very nature. If things are meant to be, why do I exist.
I know it's late in the evening for philosophical debate but could it be entirely possible to take the wrong path, whichever direction that may be?
A few days after making this (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?146481-Another-spanner-in-the-works) I decided I needed some sort of guidance that no amount of therapy or self-searching could answer. I'm not a very religious person but I'm deeply spiritual. So I decided to visit a Medium or Clairvoyant. If I'll be honest it didn't really answer anything. She was right about plenty of things, but completely missed the mark on others. When I asked the question of whether I was male or female she answered first of all that it didn't matter as we are all of a single nature spiritually but when I pushed the question she said she could see me in the future as a man. I was extremely careful not to let anything 'slip' as I know there are some fraudsters out there. Funnily enough despite my transgenderism being a big part of me and all the turmoil that's gone with it I'm surprised she didn't come right out and say it if she was actually the real deal.
Anyway, I went in with an open mind and took what she said with a grain of salt but her response seemed to qualm my anxiety and answer my question. So for nearly 2 months I settled into a mindset of being male and was working towards a male life at the end of the rainbow. Despite this I didn't discharge myself from the gender clinic or cut my hair to male length or start wanting to work out etc. You can probably tell where this is going...
Around 2 weeks ago the thoughts returned and when my mind isn't focused on college work or TV or anything else it wanders to thoughts of being female and transitioning. I wouldn't say it's back to square one but I've definitely gone down a few rungs on the ladder.
I'm curious though as I've been a firm believer in destiny for many years now but if someone has 'prophesied' that in a few years time I'll be very much male it gets my mind wondering if this is some sort of test, that it's all a big conspiracy from the other side to teach me some sort of lesson that I must ultimately somehow come to terms with and arrive at being male. Or Vice Versa. I guess it's kind of like my faith is being brought into question due by my very nature. If things are meant to be, why do I exist.
I know it's late in the evening for philosophical debate but could it be entirely possible to take the wrong path, whichever direction that may be?