A different double standard, GGs welcome

[Briana90802]

I was reading quite a few treads here where GGs are upset at their SO because they weren't told about their other persona. They find out through some other means whether it be the Internet or finding some lingerie, I kinda don't get it.

They are so upset by this because you chose not to tell them, and yet there are many things that GGs don't tell us. To say, "I want you to be open and honest with me, BUT I'm going to keep certain secrets private AND i'll be mad and hurt if you do the same." seems rather hippocritical. It just seems that everyone has their secrets and would reveal them when they're ready.

Having feelings that aren't mainstream(especially when you're a male) can be very hazardous your physical health. And when you're growing up a male feelings aren't usually the things you're taught to share. And for a guy to tell a woman "hey remember that masculine thing you like so much about me, well it turns out that I like to dress up as, what you've been told all your life, 'a sissy', but is really just dressing like the other half of who I feel inside. Oh, and if take it the wrong way it pretty much ruins the relationship and now I'm left all alone and filled with fear that you will tell the rest of the family and humiliate me which is exactly the thing i was hoping to avoid."

It seems sometimes that people are so consumed about what others will think they for get about that person they love and that what's really important is the feels they feel.
:straightface:
Just venting.

[Nigella]

I can't answer this for others, but from a personal level, I have no doubt that Sandra, my SO has not told me everything about herself, not because she is hiding something, but simply because it has no impact on our life together. What she did or didn't do prior to me meeting her has nothing whatsoever to do with me, unless she wishes to share it with me, providing that it is something that will not affect us as a couple.

In regards to being TG, yes that is something that should not be hidden, IMNSHO, it will have an impact on the relationship because it is something that just will not go away.

I sometimes find that this type of thread is just an excuse, No I don't think there are double standards generally, just an excuse to say I have a secret so you must have one too

Just my :2c:

[Steph.TS]

I'm afraid I don't know what secret you're suggesting GG keep from men, but I think it's wrong to generalize, some GG will do as you suggested, other won't.

I made a thread a short while ago that touched on some that is the central focus on this thread, fear in society, I hold to the idea that underneath the appearance of calm, and enlightenment that society hold to is actually fear, the fear of no conforming, the fear of standing out, being shunned, fear of getting in trouble, and the fear of anything different. just about everyone has these fears because society jut doesn't understand how to deal with people that don't fit in with it's idea of normal behavior. and as we know this we are afraid being outside of this normal behavior what society's reaction will be, how our loved ones will react etc...

[PretzelGirl]

As Nigella says, you have to separate the things that you aren't told that will have an impact on your relationship and those things that won't have an impact. Have I told my wife everything about my life? There is no way that might memory would handle tracking that. But she knows all things that are important to **us**. The rest I tell her when we are sitting around talking about whatever. I am sure there are some good stories in my mind that I thought I told her, but I haven't.

But there is another thing here and that is justification. We see this a lot in this forum in many manners. I can wear woman's clothes because she wears men's....., I can keep a secret because she is keeping one..... The point should be we dress because we want to. Not because we were tricked or some other obscure reason. We don't need an excuse. And we tell our loved ones because we want to. Not because she told me a secret so I am trading. I always look at it as I want to be on the higher road. You don't get there by looking at other's behavior and comparing your's to their's. You get there by just doing what is right regardless of the circumstances.

[Cynthia Anne]

When something affects yours and your S O's life the way c-ding does it needs to be discuss and honest! I wish I had realize that years ago! I'm just as guilty as the next when it comes to the 'secret'! No one wants to lose there partner because they are just being them self! So we keep the 'secret' out of fear!

[AKAMichelle]

The answer is simple. Neither side is right keeping secrets that could adversly affect the other. Cd'ing is not an easy thing to understand and most of us grew up at a time of little info. therefore we made mistakes because we didn't understand it ourselves. The hard part is coming out to your spouse after keeping the secrets for so many years. It is only with an understanding SO of your difficulty of coming clean that you can truly talk it through.

Now that people have the information about cd'ing, I personally think you should tell your spouse. More importanly I think you should tell any new SO before you say "I DO".

[Joanne f]

There is a slight difference between something you have done in the past that you have moved forward from to something that is on going and may even escalate in the future , no one really expects to hear all that happened in the past but most would expect to hear all that is going to effect things in the relationship for the future .

[Stephanie47]

Before we were married my wife told me of her sexual past. Some would have been a deal breaker for other guys. I accepted her because I loved her. I did not disclose my youthful dabbling in wearing feminine clothing-raiding mom's lingerie draw. In the 1960's I thought cross-dressing='faggot.' The word gay was still associated with happiness. Now 'Gay" is a blocked word on kid's on line tile games. I had no desire to raid my mother's lingerie draw for over two years. I had no desire to cross-dress. But, I did consider, "What would happen, if the feelings did arise? Was I a homosexual in denial?" I figured with what my future spouse had told me about her sexual escapades, if I had those feeling arose again, it would not be an issue.

Well, my desire did arise again years later. My wife is not accepting. Her sexual past is a big part of her non acceptance. She told me once she wishes she had not told me of her past because it would have enabled her to walk away from our marriage. It seems I can accept myself and her, but, she cannot accept my fetish or herself? I think she cannot come to grips with her feelings and has "ordered" me under threat of divorce to ever talk of her issues again. If I ever had a chance to resolve the cross-dressing issues in our marriage, she'd have to resolve her own issues first.

[Anne2345]

I agree, for the most part, with most of the responses here. For me, telling my wife before we married was the right thing to do. It was amazingly difficult, but it laid the foundation for a future relationship that was rooted in and based on trust and openness. Many years later, we still enjoy this relationship, and will for many many years to come. We have a rock-solid marriage, and I simply cannot imagine it any other way.

Your point, however, is well taken on secrets between partners overall. Sure, there are things my wife undoubtedly does not tell me, and I her, but I am confident that whatever it may be, it would not have any substantive bearing on our relationship. I trust her on this, and she trusts me. It is, after all, impossible to share everything.

With CDing, this is not your typical every day secret that can be justified because one's SO may also have a secret. Being Anne, at least for me, is a PART of me, no different than my arms and legs. In its own way, it helps define who I am. As such, for me, I could not hide from my wife a part of me that is so integral to who and what I am. Perhaps not the best analogy, but my wife knows I have two arms. I do not hide one of them from her, and claim I have only one arm. It is no different than being Anne, in that Anne is also who I am. To not inform her would have been unfair to her.

Even more than that, had I not told her, I would not have ever come to terms with who I am myself. It was her ultimate acceptance that, in the end, finally allowed me to accept myself. Prior to that, I had never fully accepted what I was, and fought it. It was not pleasant, I was miserable over it. But if, in the end, my wife could accept me, and still love me for who I am, how could I not accept and love myself, too? I have painted an oversimplified picture here, but had I not told my wife, I would have unwittingly denied my own ultimate acceptance of myself, and breached the trust and faith in which my wife placed in me when we married.

That being said, everybody's circumstances are differerent. If there is a blueprint for how to do this, I do not know what is. And no one here on this forum or any other forum knows the SO of a member better than the member does. So every relationship should be viewed in its own light. But, should one make the decision to tell one's SO about CDing, I do not believe it is so simple as "just tell her." I think any who are struggling with this, and about to tell their SO really needs to put a lot of thought and preparation into it. Hard questions will be asked. Answers will be demanded. An SO may feel fear, confusion, anger, maybe even disgust, etc. In saying this, I by no means am trying to talk anyone out of telling their SO. I am merely saying that, if and when you do it, be prepared! Prepare yourself mentally, psychologically, and with the facts. Prepare to be patient, understanding, and loving. And once you believe you are prepared, go through the checklist again, just to make sure! It is not necessarily an easy road. It was not for me. But it was a road well worth travelling.

[GG Kathy]

There may be things that I haven't told my SO, but that is not on purpose. Any question she wants to ask I will answer truthfully. Trust is a very important. Something that can impact our relationship is something that should be told. Honey I like to wear women's clothes or want to be a girl?..YES. Honey I forgot to put the mail out... no big deal. You can't say it's an all or nothing thing. People have to realize that there are shades of grey. Sorry if I offended anyone.

[Briana90802]

Well I'm referring to posts that are more like:


I wish you would have told me, instead of me having to find out through someone else who discovered you on the internet.

When I read this thread I can't help but wonder how you know you would have acted differently.

All I'm saying is that people tend to REact to situations and don't stop and think.

The world would be a better place if empathy were the norm.

[sissystephanie]

I think Nigella said it very well! If the Big Secret has no real bearing on your relationship than keeping it a secret is no problem. But Crossdressing has a very definite relationship to a marriage, especially if it is a man who likes to be a woman. When a husband and wife get married, it is supposed to be a relationship of 2 opposite sexes! But if the man is a crossdresser who likes to be a woman, there is, or at least can be, a very large problem! That is why all CD's should definitely tell their intended before the marriage! Not wait until they get caught, or decide to tell her themselves. Just for the record, I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her! We had a very happy almost 50 years together before cancer took her!

[ReineD]

They are so upset by this because you chose not to tell them, and yet there are many things that GGs don't tell us. To say, "I want you to be open and honest with me, BUT I'm going to keep certain secrets private AND i'll be mad and hurt if you do the same." seems rather hippocritical. It just seems that everyone has their secrets and would reveal them when they're ready.

What kinds of things are you suggesting GGs don't routinely tell prospective husbands?

Sexual histories from both sides is one thing the couple can mutually decide to either share or keep private. Except if a partner has been unfaithful in the past. I think this is something the other partner needs to know about, since it can give a hint as to how the partner might cope with potential, future marital issues.

Any medical history, including mental illness such as depression or bi-polar disorder for example, needs to be disclosed by both parties. This includes past and current addictions and compulsions, and certainly if there are any venereal diseases.

Also, both partners should disclose if either one has been raped or abused in the past. Or married & divorced. Or if there is a child from a prior relationship. Or if there is any sizable debt that has accumulated. Or any prior incarcerations or institutionalizations. Or if anyone has been adopted. And also disclose any past or current issues with the family of origin.

It also wouldn't hurt to talk about religious and political beliefs, views on child-rearing, views on how money should be saved or enjoyed, how free time should be spent, future goals, hopes, dreams ... you get the picture.

What I'm getting at is, people should talk about EVERYTHING, including the crossdressing, before they get married (except as mentioned, some couples might prefer not to hear details about their partners' sexual experiences with other partners). I don't understand people who are in love and who do not want to talk about this stuff :eek:

There is no double standard, except people of both genders who cannot be honest with themselves or others.

[sometimes_miss]

People reserve the right for deception for themselves. Women get upset about gender illusions because it upsets how they see their life, and how their man fits into it, and because it usually kills off the feeling of sexual attraction they feel towards their 'suddenly feminine' mate. It's like something I read on the plentyoffish forums; when it comes to physical attraction, 'I'm selective; but you're shallow'. It's a common finding.

[Pythos]

I am just going to say what I have seen stated on this site and many other sites.

Married couples, should hide NOT ONE THING from one another. Not one. I am amazed reading this thread and seeing people going against this statement that I have seen stated here when it comes to cding. In answer to what GGs hide, well lets see, how about Gambling debts? Or clothes shopping costs (that is until the bill arrives), those are two examples, and they should not be hidden.

There should be no hiding in a truly trusting relationship. But that would be in a perfect world, were people were judged on their ability, and not on how they dressed.

[Marissa]

Well I'm referring to posts that are more like:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/images/misc/quote_icon.png Originally Posted by trina http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/images/buttons/viewpost-right.png (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=2426827#post2426827)
I wish you would have told me, instead of me having to find out through someone else who discovered you on the internet.

When I read this thread I can't help but wonder how you know you would have acted differently.

All I'm saying is that people tend to REact to situations and don't stop and think.

The world would be a better place if empathy were the norm.

Briana, not sure if you know who I am, but for those that do or have read some of my responses, know that I normally don't shoot from the hip on responding. I review the full thread and sometimes review the history of the person so I can understand a few things.

With that said, I would hope you show more participation in this thread compared to some of your previous ones. I see a consistent trail of opening a thread to ask questions and that is it, even if the thread goes for 4 pages. And if you do respond, its with more questions only.

Read the response and please give your thoughts.

Now some may see this as an attack, no its not meant to be. Its meant to enlighten you that many (even me) will take the time to present an explaination to you as to why some may see or experienced that withholding such a topic as being a cd/ts, etc from an SO/Wife can be the cause of that relationship ending. But in the end, you can either accept the reasons or 'agree to disagree'.

Currently, there is an active thread where one member is dealing with that and how it can hurt all parties involved. Do a search and read it all.

Now in reference to your comment about a thread above. The responder does not know that they will react differently, but don't you think it will cause a negative reaction from the get go due to how it was discovered?

And in relations to your OP, I would have hoped you read the entire thread that Trina's response is from. Even those who are commenting on this thread, gave some great reasons and feelings of dealing with crossdressing, especially from a GGs view.

I know you won't be the last to bring this up, we are all individuals but do the research and you will get a better understanding of how it can impact a relationship(s).


I am just going to say what I have seen stated on this site and many other sites.

Married couples, should hide NOT ONE THING from one another. Not one. I am amazed reading this thread and seeing people going against this statement that I have seen stated here when it comes to cding. In answer to what GGs hide, well lets see, how about Gambling debts? Or clothes shopping costs (that is until the bill arrives), those are two examples, and they should not be hidden.

There should be no hiding in a truly trusting relationship. But that would be in a perfect world, were people were judged on their ability, and not on how they dressed.

Pythos: you said it right about it being a perfect world..but that might be a perfect world for one member of the relationship. The other person may not want that or need that. Besides, when any couple says "we are open and honest about everything" will set off the liar button. Not saying its done on purpose or to deceive, its just life. ReineD did a great job in explaining the differences and intensity of what should be devulge, which would encompass what you have said as examples. Those are things that effects both.