I lost my mojo.

[Jill Devine]

My avatar and photos I have posted previously are all between 7 and 8 years old. The pics were snapped at a time when I was a very active dresser. I even had people mistake me for a girl when in boy mode.

Over the past 7 yrs I basically under dress and maybe wear a skirt around the house. Haven't bothered too much with make up or dressing to the nines. So last night I decided to get dressed properly to take some new pictures.

Well the pictures were terrible. I mean awful. (Trust me, I am not being self critical or modest. On a scale of one to ten, it was a 3 at the most). It's like I lost my girly mojo! I am 100% convinced that your physical appearance is often impacted by your mental and emotional state. Years ago when I lived and breathed becoming a girl, I looked the part. Countless people commented how good I looked and I was passable in public. Now, after several years of being more in male mode (banking career and raising kids), and not going out, my exterior is very male. When I dressed fully last night I simply looked like a man in a dress :eek:

I actually deleted all the pictures I was so peeved. I just assumed that my sexy alter ego Jill Devine would always be there "on demand." Hard to explain but it feels like I've lost an old friend.

[kimdl93]

Jill, our lives go through cycles and reality has a way of imposing itself on us. Family and work come first and can be pretty darned demanding, so its not too surprising that Jill was getting out of practice. But trust me, having been through much of what you've felt, this part of you can come back and be even better once you have more opportunity to spend time on it. It just many not bethe right time.

[Julogden]

Hi Jill,

Your story has a very familiar ring to it. I was really getting into discovering the real me, dressing almost daily after work, constantly hitting the support group activities and going to friendly bars with friends back in the late 1980's through most of the 1990's. Around 1998, I began spending more and more time at my father's home when his health began declining badly, so I put dressing on the back burner. I ended up taking care of him full-time starting in early 2000. I moved back home to do that and totally lost touch with who I was.

He passed away in 2004, and by that time, my health had declined, I was depressed and had gained a lot of weight. I was a mess. I started dressing a little, with essentially the results you had. I had to force myself to go out a little, but I just couldn't get back to who I was before I moved back home.

I went to a couple or three meetings of a local group in 2006 and 2007, but I just wasn't feeling like my old self. The weight that I've put on has been, I think, the biggest obstacle to me feeling like my old self. A lot of my old clothes won't fit anymore, and when I take photos, I only see an old, fat thing that looks nothing like I used to look.

In the last several months, I've been working really hard to feel better about myself. I can't afford health insurance right now, so I've been looking at alternative therapies for depression, started taking SAM-E (thanks to Treetop Louise for suggesting that stuff) and using herbal supplements, and I've responded surprisingly well. About 6 months ago, the light started returning a bit, and things continue to slowly improve. I'm now working on dropping the weight, I'm feeling better, physically, and I'm even starting to feel the old me returning. I haven't felt like my old self in about 12 years, and it feels wonderful.

I hope to start working on getting some new photos soon too. I accept that I'm a lot older than back in my "glory" days, but I think I can at least look presentable again, but we'll see.

Jill, I hope that you can get the old feeling back too. I know how terrible it is to feel like you've lost yourself, and I urge you to start working on finding where the mojo went! I'll bet it's still in there somewhere.

Hang in there!
Carol :hugs:

[sissystephanie]

Jill,

You didn't lose your Mojo!! It is just buried deeper inside!! For seven years you have been dressing mostly as a male and looking after your career and your children. What did you think would happen to your girly parts? My late wife, who knew I was a CD, always did my makeup and fixed my wig when I went out as Stephanie. When she passed away I was totally out of it. I thought I could never go out again dressed enfemme, since I was so bad with makeup and the wig! But now I do go out dressed enfemme!! Just as a guy in a skirt or dress!! No makeup and no wig, just me!! And I get no comments!! Compliments on my outfits, yes!! But nothing negative!

So hang on! You can still be girly!!

[Miranda09]

Don't worry Jill...it'll come back. You're priorities are just a little shifted right now and your fem self needs to take a back seat. Don't force it, just let it come naturally and you'll recapture the magic. :)

[Eryn]

Don't you know that Mojo has to be exercised now and then for it to be healthy? Give it another try or two and you'll see that it comes back. Perhaps it won't be the same, but perhaps it will be better!

[AlannahNorth]

You're not alone on that one. My avatar (on my profile) is just over 5 years old, and yes, since then I've put on weight. Mostly due to depression over the past several years. I'm dealing with that rather well now, but the weight is damned tough to unload. This winter I spent 4 months in the gym, maybe I lost an inch around my waist (although I did build up some good muscle). I've been out of the gym now for about 4 weeks and do I ever feel (and notice) it! Weight came back on that I hadn't realized I had lost. I just started back into walking yesterday, and now that spring is on it's way I hope to do a lot more. Going to go back to the gym as well, it was good for me. I don't mind having muscle - I see quite a few women that do so it's not a problem.

Getting back into dressing after a 5 year 'leave of absence' is going to take some doing too, and I know that getting into shape will have a big influence on that. Over the years I've learned one lesson about women's clothing: once your waist hits the 40" mark, every size you go down, your selection of clothing usually doubles or triples at the thrift stores.

Now that's incentive! This summer I plan to get back into having some fun being Alannah again.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Don't worry, be happy. Simple words but they mean so much. Happiness will bring radiance to your face and your eyes light up, the frown lines subside, the face muscles that work are of a smile and that makes you glow. If I scowl and frown my mother always says, Smile, you face lights up and I feel so much better I look at many things differently and I feel relaxed. Try it :)

[Jill Devine]

Thanks all. There has been some wise words of advice and encouragement.
Hugs to everyone.