Should I tell my ex?

[victoria]

Hi Everyone,

I am looking for some guidance as to whether I should come out to my Ex with the fact that I am a CD. We went out briefly 4 years ago and she is one of my good friends who I really care about a lot and vice versa.

She is pretty secretive so although she knows a lot of my friends, I don't see her as the type to tell them about this. She's not the type to get mad or vengeful either so I really don't have to worry about her trying to screw me over so to speak.

I guess my question is should I go ahead with it and tell her? If so what's really the best way to do it? Should I try to go slow and tell her something now and then to kind of give her the idea something is up or should I just go for it?

The last thing is I'm not sure what exactly I hope to gain from this other than having this secret out in the open. I am 100% closeted so it's not like I'm expecting her to want to take me shopping, etc en femme or even in drab.

For those that have gone through this before, how did you deal with it? What was the person's reaction? I'm sure this question has been asked a lot of times but I need some advice.

Thanks for any replies!

xoxo,
Victoria

[Deborah]

Ummm NO. Blackmail can be a powerful weapon. Not saying she is like that but as much as i don't know her do you really know her well enough to risk it?

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

As Amy said, you need to walk carefully through the minefield here.

Probably the first thing to do is to figure out why you want to tell her, and what you hope she'll do. It sounds like you'd just like someone you could talk to about it, perhaps as well have someone to help you with make-up tips, fashion advice, etc.

So the question is whether you think she'd be receptive to that. You also need to think about her attitudes to toward gender, social tolerance, etc. It sounds like she's trustworthy, but I'd hestitate to tell her if there's a possibly she might freak out and do something unpredictable.

As far as telling, it's probably similar to telling an SO, so you might check out some of the previous advice given on that topic.

[michellejean]

why do you want to tell her now ? why now? why didn,t you tell her when she was not your ex? this is a big step.i would not give it a second thought. blackmail comes to mind.i don,t know this lady.and i am not going to put her down.but do you think she would tell you.why should she.you are her ex.she does not need to tell you.from one forum friend to another.....and from some one who has been down a lot of roads. DO NOT DO THIS.NO--NO--NO. MICHELLEJEAN(MRS.HIGHHEELS)

[DonnaT]

Figure out why you need to tell her first. Such as, it is the reason for your breakup and it's bothering you, or you're tired of being in the closet and you're going to start telling others starting with her.

[Anne Charlotte]

Yeah, I'd be VERY careful here.

When I split from my ex, agreed that it was for the best, and that it would remain amicable. Well that lasted until the next time we spoke.......then I was amazed at her bitterness.......she still has loads of photos of me dressed (we did a lot together), and I've lived the past ten years wondering if ever she'll publish them somewhere ???

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Victoria

Use Extreme Caution

I dont think telling your ex is a good idea.
Apart from the possible blackmail threat, or worse the possibility that she just decides to tell people you know. Where does that leave you. You may then be out of the minefield, only to find yourself in front of a firing squad.

Is it just the keeping the secret thats killing you ?

Remember "Act in haste repent at lesiure"

Its worth the effort to keep it until you find somene who will accept all of you.

Take Care

[Lindahexi]

I have only told one person about my dressing, and I got a really understanding and caring response; also I know my secret is safe with her. But although I was elated at the time, I now regret it. Sure it was great being able to talk about it, and I can still share clothes etc with her, which again is nice; but in my heart I know that she will never think of me in the same way as she used to. Please think long and hard before telling anybody about your dressing, you can never 'untell', but you may eventually meet the perfect partner who will accept you as you are, and that would be wonderful.

[victoria]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for the replies I really appreciate them! I guess my whole reason for wanting to tell her is more related to my need to tell someone and her being probably the best choice. Keeping this inside to myself is bugging me in a way so I thought if I told her it would sort of be a relief to me. Also thought maybe she would be curious and we could open up more to each other. I am pretty close to her still (had a 2 hour phone convo yesterday) even though we broke up 4 years ago...

I guess based on all the feedback I will not tell her just yet...


Victoria

[KatieZ]

Hi Everyone,

I guess my whole reason for wanting to tell her is more related to my need to tell someone Keeping this inside to myself is bugging me

Victoria



There are plenty of support groups around. Check the internet for some near you. More safety with "birds of a feather". :wink: Plus it will open up a whole new social outlet for you too.

Here's a couple links to get you started:
http://www.xpressions.org/
http://www.geocities.com/gender_mosaic/