The joy of the loving and accepting CD community.......not [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

Kali

03-23-2011, 09:51 PM

My fiancee is always trying to find things for us to do with me dressed. Im not passable, and circumstances require that I have facial hair. I keep telling her that it's ok, and that I dont want to make anyone else uncomfortable.

But she got an invitation to a private party for crossdressers, and unbeknownst to me, emailed the the person hosting the party and ask if we would be welcomed, explaining the situation.

Rather than simply telling her that they would not be comfortable with it, or simply ignore them message, the person emailed my fiancee and told her that I belong in a circus or freakshow and not at one of their parties.

I know a lot of crossdressers feel that way about me, but I'm very unhappy they that they had to take it out on her.

My fiancee is one of the most generous and accepting people you will ever meet and has many friends in the TS/TG community from her years in the D/s lifestyle. I think think that she thought that my explanation of how some CDs felt about people like me was akin to the faintly negative feeling that many in the LGBT community have towards BDSM lifestylers. Ater all, there have never been any comments when I've gone dressed to a D/s events.

She was ready to send these people a very nasty email and "out" their behavior to the community at large (her invitation came to her as a dominant female in the D/s world), but I told her that I was unsurprised by their reaction to her request, and convinced her to just send a polite response.

And we wonder why there is a lack of acceptance for CDing in the general population, when we can't accept any variation among our own sub-group.

It just makes me sad.

Phoebe P.

03-23-2011, 09:59 PM

Those who live in glass houses... That's too bad. Put it behind you and karma will take care of them! Keep your chin up and make yourself happy! Opinions are like... well you know! You're always welcome here! :)

Makayla

03-23-2011, 10:01 PM

Im sorry to hear that, from what I can tell there not worth hanging out with if they cant accept you for who you are

Eryn

03-23-2011, 10:28 PM

I agree with Phoebe and Makayla. I'll add that it would be a bad idea to out them to the community, but it might be a good idea to discuss this issue with other people involved with this party. Perhaps you have one loose cannon who has taken it upon him/herself to speak for everyone.

CareBearGG

03-24-2011, 12:20 AM

I'm sorry people can be so cruel. You would think that a person, or group, who strive to have themselves accepted would be able to do a little accepting of their own. I've had a couple discussions lately with people about "accepting" others, be it, homosexuality, CDing, or other choices in their life they decide to make, my conclusion is if you want to be accepted, you have to learn to accept others. I completely agree with what Eryn has said about speaking with others in the group though.

Pythos

03-24-2011, 12:28 AM

Wow...I am amazed at this. It is just another example of minorities ripping into minorities. STUPID HUMAN BEHAVIOR!!!!

LilSissyStevie

03-24-2011, 01:11 AM

Doesn't surprise me.....

Nicole Erin

03-24-2011, 01:27 AM

What a bunch of F'in B's.
See some Tg groups flat suck ass.

We have a good one in Indy here that the policy is - "come as you are". What you wear is not relevant as long as you are "decent" as in, covered. I have gone dressed to the 9's and other times I show up in my tee and jeans, no one minds. THOSE are the types of groups you need.

If that group you sought truely could not deal with facial hair, they could have at LEAST been professional but telling someone they belong in a circus? I would have sent back telling them, "hey, drop your pants and look in the mirror, what is down there? yes you B's that is right..."

Sorry you had to deal with that crap.

Amelia

03-24-2011, 03:00 AM

That's awful. If I was having a party, you'd be more than welcome! :)

MichelleOBrien

03-24-2011, 03:15 AM

I'm truly sorry you had that experience, but remember that for every a-hole out there is someone with a heart of gold. Keep your head up, let Karma do her work (man is she a royal B---h sometimes) and don't sweat em. Though I now know to watch out for that group one state over...

noeleena

03-24-2011, 04:35 AM

Hi.

Im a bit surprised in one way that they are not open to you both . yet iv been involved with a group who are very much like what youv had .
just they did it better it was face to face & then told my friend to bugger off & dont come back. Now iv known my friend for some time & theres no reason as to why. our grand child loves her & is a neat friend & yes we both stay with her at different times. .

I wont ever go back to the group because if they can not accept people who are like us then different , i dont wont any thing to do with them.

Pity you were shown the door just shut it quiitly & leave them to them selfs, some times its better that way,

...noeleena...

Maria in heels

03-24-2011, 04:40 AM

This is a horrible thing that happened....you are better off without those that arranged that function - not worth it for the two of you. Be the bigger and better person and move on, even though I know that it is hard to

Shari

03-24-2011, 06:12 AM

Pompous and militant cder's.
That blows me away.
You're far better off without that in your life.

Kali

03-24-2011, 06:23 AM

Thank you all for your kind responses.

Though I'm sure that there are people here on this site who agree with the feelings of the person holding this party, at least they had the manners not to jump in.

As I said, I understand being excluded, I simply don't understand the incredibly insulting response. I do realize that many people are insecure in themselves, not just crossdressers, and feel it necessary to lash out at anything that makes them uncomfortable. It's a defense mechanism that has grown in leaps and bounds with the relative anonimity of the Internet.

And Michelle, it's OK to come to PA, this event is going on one state further east ;)

Cynthia Anne

03-24-2011, 06:35 AM

I've been biting nails ever since I read your story! Now I have to bite my tounge before I get in trouble!! Who needs them! I hope that if there is any members here that are invited to this have the heart NOT to go! HUGS!

DAVIDA

03-24-2011, 06:37 AM

Hi Kali!
Sorry that someone was so crass to you!:eek:
You might want to consider copying in, or forwarding, the E-mail from this person to the others in the group. You wouldn't even have to respond.

They really wouldn't have liked me seven years ago, before I shaved off my beard.:heehee:
Picture me with a beard about three inches above my bellybutton.:D

Kate Simmons

03-24-2011, 06:47 AM

This is one reason I shy away from TG groups and Orgs. Usually a few dominant "high ranking" members set the "standard" for the group. Some of them are even self admitted "control freaks". However, this allows no freedom of expression in the gender spectrum for many of these groups and many people are either afraid to speak up or do not join to begin with.:straightface:

audreyinalbany

03-24-2011, 07:29 AM

just goes to show you that being transgendered doesn't exclude you from being an a**hole

kimdl93

03-24-2011, 09:11 AM

Kali

03-24-2011, 09:28 AM

I hadn't imagined that people in the D/s lifestyle could be so judgemental. But, I guess there are jerks in every group!

Sometimes its better to just ignore the nasty, venal comments and move on with life. This is one of those times.

This isn't for a D/s lifestyle event, they just advertised it there, explicitly as a party for CD/TG.

MichelleOBrien

03-24-2011, 09:44 AM

And Michelle, it's OK to come to PA, this event is going on one state further east ;)

Oh, I'd still come to PA even if that group was there, but I'd be a bit more cautious as to which groups I hung out with is all. but I guess it gives me yet another reason to stay out of Jersey... lol

joannemarie barker

03-24-2011, 10:08 AM

you understand why you were excluded??? I don't!!! that really piffed me off :/

TGMarla

03-24-2011, 10:22 AM

Several years ago I wore a moustache. I'd had it for some twenty years, and my wife really liked it. So getting rid of it wasn't easy. However, at that time, I'd inquired as to the local TG group here where I live, and I was told that the moustache might be a problem. Geez, I mean, most of us couldn't pass if it were a slow-moving truck on the freeway. Why should a moustache make it any worse? I was a bit incensed by it, as I remember, so I can relate to how you feel here. It's just kinda dumb, really. Everyone there would be cross-gendered in some way. Why should it surprise or even irritate any of them to see a person with facial hair wearing a dress? Hypocritical, in my opinion. Or more likely....hyper-critical.

Kali

03-24-2011, 01:05 PM

you understand why you were excluded??? I don't!!! that really piffed me off :/

Joanne -

Start a discussion about crossdressing with facial hair sometime. You'll see why I understand.

This response was in a discussion here; overall it's one of the milder responses you'll get from people who have an issue with it...

To me, they are not crossdressers in the sense of the word most of us use. The old term transvestite is more like it. And I don't like that term anymore then a hairy faced guy in a dress. Again, to each there own, but it's not to my liking and don't want to see it.

On other, less heavily moderated sites, I've seen this discussion start out nasty and go downhill from there.

Personally, I dress almost 24/7, it's the only way I'm really comfortable, but my circumstances being what they are, I can't shave my facial hair off at the moment. I'm more nastily judged by many in the CD/TG community than by the religous right. It's unfortunate, but people are what they are.

That's why I was unsurprised by nature of the response to my fiancee, though why the person bothered to be so nasty I have no idea.

msginaadoll

03-24-2011, 10:08 PM

Kali, It just goes to show there are jerks everywhere as well as nice folks. It reminds me of talking to a lovely looking cd at a bar, and her telling me she doesnt go to a club I like because the cds there are plain. I know she has the right to express her opinion, of course I also have to right to think she was a putz! I know people can be insecure but it doesnt excuse them from treating others with respect.

VioletJourney

03-24-2011, 10:13 PM

It sounds to me like they kinda forgot what the whole point of having a crossdresser party would be! You'd think a group like us, who aren't generally accepted by the public, would learn from our experiences to be more open minded... I guess those idiots hosting the party are just really stubborn.

Marissa

03-24-2011, 10:28 PM

Kali, thanks for letting us know exactly what the issue was. Not passing should never be the issue in a group get together as their main intent to bring unity. Now having facial hair when presenting MtF can cause some to be uneasy. Sure the wording did not need to be so blantently put. So I'm sorry for that.

I'm part of a group here in the DFW, TX area who openly invite those who pass, don't pass or whatever..even dressed or not dressed. But honestly I don't think I have seen or heard a discussion about one showing up with facial hair, unless they were FtM. Heck even some will show up with a 5 o'clock shadow from the day before :)

We are a meetup group from this site www.meetup.com/ (http://www.meetup.com/) , if you are not aware of it, type in your location or a large city near you and see what is available. Hopefully, its not the screwed up one that turned you away.

Goodluck in the future and I'm so happy to see you have a great support system in your wife :)

Julogden

03-24-2011, 10:37 PM

Sad, yes, surprising, no. The two of you should have gone just to annoy them. Hopefully, that response was just the opinion of that one idiot.

I was very surprised and annoyed a couple days ago when I was checking out the site for this year's Be-All conference (http://www.be-all.org/) when I saw that they don't allow people with beards or mustaches in combination with full dress at Be-All either. That probably violates at least one law here, not to mention being rather mean.

Carol

luv2dress01

03-25-2011, 02:08 AM

If crossdressers of different types cant accept one another then what hope do we have against the average person...

ReineD

03-25-2011, 03:35 AM

The TG group my SO belongs to (TSs and CDs) is wonderful. It welcomes everyone. There is an older member who has been attending for years and who does not alter herself in any way. Talk about self acceptance! She looks feminine, but with facial hair. Her beard is quite long, as is her hair. She actually looks quite delicate, on the frail side.

You might try to find a different group? There surely must be some groups that are not as prissy. Or, is there a chance it is only the one person who feels this way, and she is not speaking for the group? Maybe every group has their divas.

I don't blame your fiancee for wanting to let the person who responded know what she thinks of the rudeness.

Gerrijerry

03-25-2011, 04:31 AM

Kaitlyn Michele

03-25-2011, 05:33 AM

Many cd groups try to act like TS groups. They think that you need to look like a woman totally.The groups are often led by people who are actually transexuals not crossdressers which is different. I have been members of cd groups and believe me what I am saying is true. If you said you were a transexual and wanted to be a woman. I would say the extra hair should go. Being a crossdresser is not really wanting to be a woman so there is no reason I can think of that removing body hair is needed. Dress the way that makes you happy.

I think this is very true Gerri...many ts folk (ahem....like me) spend many years in denial and crossdress the depression away...anything that challenges the "femaleness" of this dressing is a problem......

TO the OP...sorry that happened!
the world takes all kinds...I have been to many cd events in the Phila area including parties at bars for cd's. There is one person that keeps a very full beard at all times, wears makeup around the eyes, and dresses fully head to toe..

i admit at first i looked and thought "hmmmm...", but this is a terrific person and is totally accepted at the parties and in fact, had wedding with his gg wife where they both were brides...it was a very cool thing...

LeannL

03-25-2011, 05:46 AM

Kali,

Not to condone what happened because it was wrong, I do want to put a bit of a different spin. Please forgive these people. In all likelihood, they are still not comfortable with who they are (even if they claim they are). This leads to mean, ugly and irrational behavior. Most of us have gone through a period of time where we were angry and confused and I suspect some of us may have even lashed out in some way. If you are a religious person, please pray for them that they may come to peace with themselves. Unfortunately, when one person like this takes over a group, it can take a long time before the effects of a bad apple are removed.

In the interim, enjoy yourself and your SO. Don't focus on their negativity and just have fun elsewhere.

Leann

PretzelGirl

03-25-2011, 10:31 AM

I suspect it is one or two people at the root of this. No matter how we feel about ourselves, we are still a slice of society and the normal variances still apply. If one percent of people in general are jerks, then one percent of TGs will probably be jerks.

Sarah Doepner

03-25-2011, 10:55 AM

Rather than simply telling her that they would not be comfortable with it, or simply ignore them message, the person emailed my fiancee and told her that I belong in a circus or freakshow and not at one of their parties.

It just makes me sad.

This kind of response shows the person who wrote that response to be a jerk of the first order. There is no justification for that kind of language to an honest question. It's too bad they forget how to be adults and revert to the teenage girl mode we all seem to dislike when they they dress.

I would look around for a support group rather than a party.

kristine239

03-25-2011, 11:16 AM

Kali, you would be most welcome at the Empire Conference. www.transeventsusa.org/empire

darla_g

03-25-2011, 11:21 AM

That was horrible. My favorite expression is that in order to get acceptance one needs to give acceptance.

That was so narrow minded. and when you consider how many ways people decide to CD. There are those that like those face masks, those that prefer little girls school outfits and those that like to wear clothing that would make any self-respecting streetwalker blush. Not my thing in all of those cases, but who am I tell anyone how they should pursue their calling?

Jessica86

03-25-2011, 11:36 AM

Judging by the responses so far, I would have to say that isn't a cd community. I agree the person who runs it must be a ts person. I know I would invite you if I threw a party, and I definately think all cd are the same. Some are homosexual, others hetero. Some go out, but some don't. The deal is we are still men who are striving to be who we really are. If they can't respect that and welcome that, you don't need to be a part of them.

t-girlxsophie

03-25-2011, 11:56 AM

Geez, I mean, most of us couldn't pass if it were a slow-moving truck on the freeway.. That has to be quote of the year:D,Im wondering what this paragon of virtue that degraded Kali's SO looks like themselves???

I understand being excluded
I know you may feel you dont want any hassle esp for your SO,but I wouldn't be so nice,get angry at this muppet,IT IS NOT understandable that you were excluded,infact it's far from it.

Sophie

Kali

03-25-2011, 01:47 PM

Kali, you would be most welcome at the Empire Conference. www.transeventsusa.org/empire

Thank you, Kristine. I attended, as a vendor, a few years back.

VanessaVW

03-25-2011, 02:50 PM

Truly sad. You would think that we would all stick together for one another and use the safety in numbers model. Guess not. How unfortunate for them.

KarenCDFL

03-25-2011, 03:17 PM

The people from the party who responded to the both of you are absolute Boers.

I used to have a full beard and I do understand because there were evenings that I would get all dolled up and yes there was a face full of hair wearing makeup staring back at me.

There are ways these people could have been polite by saying something that being dressed and having facial hair was not appropriate at the party, but to insult you in that way makes me believe the people in charge have no compassion at all.

Annaliese

03-25-2011, 03:39 PM

Not every one thinks that way, I will bet that there would be some at the party that would be appalled at that person response to you.

IMkrystal

03-25-2011, 05:14 PM

I know a lot of crossdressers feel that way about me, but I'm very unhappy they that they had to take it out on her.

It just makes me sad.

This post also makes me feel sad, after having discussed groups in the "Love Ones" section. I learned along time ago that life is not fair. Be thankful, you have a loving fiancee who support you in what you do. because many of use have yet to meet such women.

Kali

03-25-2011, 06:54 PM

This post also makes me feel sad, after having discussed groups in the "Love Ones" section. I learned along time ago that life is not fair. Be thankful, you have a loving fiancee who support you in what you do. because many of use have yet to meet such women.

Oh, I have no expectations of life being fair; I'm much to old and grounded for that.

I am simply sad for our community that there are people within it, like the one that responded to my fiancee, who go out of their way to be hurtful.

Vickie_CDTV

03-25-2011, 07:25 PM

They never had a problem with facial hair and female dress at the (now defunct?) IFGE conventions.

I just read that bit on the Be-All's web site. Not only is it a dumb rule, but wow... what they wrote is just downright mean (and bad enough they wrote in the form of some sort of silly poem.) They actually kick you out of the entire convention and keep all your money... for having facial hair??

Andromeda

03-26-2011, 01:03 AM

I wish that I could say that I am surprised but I am not. It is one of the more unpleasant facts of life that those who are supposed to be nonconformists are more ridged in their counterparts.

Maria 60

03-26-2011, 06:24 AM

The world is a cruel place sometimes, but some people are worst then others. The whole term crossdress is joining of two. No matter how hard we try its going to show that we are born men. Some are more passable then others but no reason to judge the ones who don't pass as good. I only wish i could have a crossdress party and i think i would expect seeing people with facial hair, hairy legs and tattoo's. That's part of who we are. I can only shave my legs twice a year, so sometimes i put pics. of my legs with hair and knowing that if anybody is going to understand it's everyone on this site. I hope so, but know reading your thread iam beginning to second guess that.

Rianna Humble

03-26-2011, 07:11 AM

I am TS and find the response in the OP apalling!

Judging by the responses so far, I would have to say that isn't a cd community. I agree the person who runs it must be a ts person.

Please do not tar us all with the same brush, not all TS are intolerant any more than all CD's are welcoming.

The support group that I attend is pretty much the only one on the South coast of England, it is run by another TS and welcomes everybody whether they consider themselves TV, CD, TS, questioning or what. Facial hair makes no difference whatsoever to the welcome extended.