SO cutting you to the Quick?

[Phoebe P.]

Have you ever had your SO say something that was so hurtful that you couldn't let it go? I don't know what else to say at the moment. I may go sleep in the guest room so I don't have to be next to her. I am so angry at the moment I don't know what else to say.

[busker]

yes, that is exactly why she is no longer my SO.

[Persephone]

I am so sorry to hear that you've had this happen, Phoebe.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Lucy_Bella]

yes, that is exactly why she is no longer my SO.

Ditto!!

Same here

[giuseppina]

Sorry to hear about this, Phoebe.

I wouldn't go any further than sleeping in the guest bedroom for now. That will let her know that something isn't right. She doesn't have to know what it is until you've cooled off. If she asks questions tell her you're too upset to discuss it right now.

Good luck. :hugs:

[GaleWarning]

The two of you have got to resolve this issue BEFORE you go to bed, Phoebe. If you don't the issue will fester like a sore, and become ever more painful and difficult to deal with.

sit her down and tell her something along the lines of,
"When you said ... blah, blah, blah ... you really hurt me and made me feel ... rhubarb, rhubarb."

Then give her a chance to respond.

Then talk frankly and calmly until the issue is resolved.

Then go to bed together.

Sleeping in the guest room will do nothing to resolve the issue.

Good luck, my friend.

[Joanne f]

Lol yes most days , just got to learn to live with it :heehee:

[Tanya C]

Talk to her and get it straightened out. Sometimes people say hurtful things that they deeply regret later on. We're only human and we make mistakes, and one of the worst kinds of mistakes is lashing out at loved ones.
We've all done it from time to time, so the empathic thing to do right now is to try and cut her a break.
Take care,

Tanya

[Kathy4ever]

Never try and go to bed mad. You will be restless and not sleep well. Let her know that she hurt you and try and talk it out. Not sure what she said but you don't seem to happy about it. Good luck.

[Amelia]

I had someone say/do something to me so hurtful that I'll never forget it and likely forgiveness will never come. Some things just can't be taken back once they are said and are not easily forgotten.

[Mary Morgan]

If she was deliberate and this has never happened before, find some space and let things cool off, then let her know that you are not going to be treated that way. If this isn't the first time, I'd suggest you examine the relationship and its value.

[BRANDYJ]

A long time ago I learned that what is said during an argument or fight between a man and a woman is not to be taken seriously. I know I have said things...very hurtful things to the one I love and regretted it almost as soon as the venomous words came across my lips. I won't go into detail, but I learned the hard way not to many years ago. If only I could take some words back. So in my opinion the hurtful words your SO said was during a fight or argument, don't put much weight on it and let it go. Be fast to forgive her. Usually it's a defense because you hurt her and she struck back with hurtful words that she does not mean.

[donnalee]

One of the secrets of a lengthy relationship is to know when not to take your SO too seriously. Sometimes hurtful things can be said that are not intended to be so, or are a hasty response to a comment of yours. Take a few deep breaths, count to 10, then do it again until you calm down. Everyone is human and makes mistakes; try not to compound them by your reaction.

[kimdl93]

You were wise to not say anything. Its better to let emotions settle down before addressing hurtful comments. And try not to debate the comment itself, but focus on the way it made you feel, so she understands how deeply the remark cut.

[linda allen]

The two of you have got to resolve this issue BEFORE you go to bed, Phoebe. If you don't the issue will fester like a sore, and become ever more painful and difficult to deal with.

sit her down and tell her something along the lines of,
"When you said ... blah, blah, blah ... you really hurt me and made me feel ... rhubarb, rhubarb."

Then give her a chance to respond.

Then talk frankly and calmly until the issue is resolved.

Then go to bed together.

Sleeping in the guest room will do nothing to resolve the issue.

Good luck, my friend.

That is the best advice.

[gwenbeth]

Have you ever had your SO say something that was so hurtful that you couldn't let it go? I don't know what else to say at the moment. I may go sleep in the guest room so I don't have to be next to her. I am so angry at the moment I don't know what else to say.

It has happened to me a lot to the point where I just sleep on the couch all the time. probably by the end of summer she won't be my SO anymore.

but what is important here is not a single incident but rather a pattern. One cutting remark can be addressed, but when that seems to be all you get from your SO, you need to look at different solutions

[Cynthia Anne]

Phoebe slow down thar! Whoa I say back up girl! No use in gettin' your panties in a knot! Please try to settle this before bed time! No! try harder than that! Ya see she still loves ya! HUGS!!!!!!!!

[Stephenie S]

Phoebe slow down thar! Whoa I say back up girl! No use in gettin' your panties in a knot! Please try to settle this before bed time! No! try harder than that! Ya see she still loves ya! HUGS!!!!!!!!

Yes, she does. And that's why she said those things.

Try not to sleep in another room. Try.

S

[Stephanie47]

Yep, my wife got mad one time and said if we ever got divorced she would tell everyone that I was a cross-dresser. Later, she recanted the statement. Consequently, I do not trust her at all. Of course, maybe she recanted because she knows I know her dirty little sexual secrets. Assured mutual destruction.

[Phoebe P.]

It's better today. Catty comment, but better not hear it again.

[sandra-leigh]

It happened to me a number of times.

One thing that I found is that when my depression is acting up, a "good day" can turn into a day of deep internal hurt, with just a few words. Often the trigger words are not horrible in themselves, but just "push my buttons" and my defenses kick in faster than rational thought. "Fight or Flight" is handled at the reptile part of the brain -- a part that one can overrule when one is well but which is on high alert during depression. Especially for those who, like me, have depression due to overstimulation of parts of the brain resulting in internal feedback-loops with responses to stress being magnified.

Am I saying that I am "overreacting" ? No: the words said are real enough, and are hurtful in view of the fact that she knows how I feel about such remarks -- but some days the camel can carry less straw then other days.

[Phoebe P.]

Very nicely said Sandra-Leigh. I've been out of sorts lately, but it was pretty harsh... in bed.

[ReineD]

Phoebe, I love the advice that members have given you in this thread. :hugs:

I hope you're having a better day now and the two of you have had a chance to talk. It does sound as if you are both going through the inevitable growing pains, in light of the newness of all of this in your lives.

On a separate note, and this is off topic, but with all the controversy in the forum lately about who is more feminine than who, I've got to say that this thread exemplifies any place where GGs would be giving other GGs advice. Overall the posts are thoughtful, caring, compassionate, and well expressed! I'm not saying that guys can't be all those things too, but I hope you all know what I mean.

:love:

[Phoebe P.]

It's much better. I'm trying to stay out of the controversy. Hopefully I'm succeeding!

[Southern Michele]

I had someone say/do something to me so hurtful that I'll never forget it and likely forgiveness will never come. Some things just can't be taken back once they are said and are not easily forgotten.

Amelia is unfortunately so right. At some point people can knowingly cross the line that they know is there. Once that is done there is no unringing the bell. I have 3 x's to prove it. You have to decide if this is really a "Cardinal Sin" that cannot be tolerated. If not, work it out. I disagree that you should go sleep with someone who was very hurtful to you. I slept in the same bed with my last X for two months of pure HELL after such an event before finally realizing that it was not going to ever get better. As for the others that advise going and sleep in the same bed after all is made hearts and flowers, they never met or experienced any of the women I was married to. Life's a bitch, then you die. Sorry to be blunt.