Thinking About Purging

[SarahMarie42]

I can never express my femininity properly, and I'm utterly ashamed of myself, so I'm thinking about eliminating my wardrobe and attempting to repress my femininity for the rest of my life. I'm gross. Not because I'm a cross dresser, but because I can't be content with myself like everyone else here can. I can't express myself properly like everyone else here can. I just don't want to do this anymore.

I mean look at me...I hate how big I am

How the hell do I delete this before more people see this awful picture and have evidence of my disgraceful little mood swings? THAT'S shameful, not my appearance. Throwing a fit when I don't feel I can live up to my own unrealistic standards.

You know, I'm not necessarily ashamed of my feminine alter-ego, but she's not nearly as meritorious as my primary masculine self. I'm not right for cross dressing aside from my entirely irrational desire to do something I am not at all good at. Many of you are fantastic or aren't and enjoy it regardless, but what the HELL is wrong with me?

[Tia808]

SarahMarie, all of us have our challenges, and have aspects of our appearance that we really wish we could improve. Some of those things are changeable, some aren't. And I'm sure that all of us, at least deep down, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, have been discouraged from time to time, and maybe even despondent, about issues that seem huge to us but aren't a big deal to others. I think you have a cute look (and are absolutely NOT "gross"), but I know that it's your own self-image that is ultimately what matters. Maybe purging will help you deal with this in the short-term, and who am I to say that you shouldn't do it, but the fact is your feminine feelings are not likely to go away, and the odds are fairly high that, as time goes on, you will become even more discouraged as you become even less able to express this side of you (in the sense that you'll have less clothing and accessories available, and might have stopped working toward enhancing your femininity). There's no answer that's right for everyone, but I do urge you to think very long and hard before actually purging.

[SarahMarie42]

I just wish I didn't have body dysmorphic disorder and whatnot. It's not necessarily my having a feminine side that is hurting me, it is my hurting that is precluding my enjoyment of my feminine side. I don't really want to PURGE, per se, but I think I may take a short break for a month or so in order to allow my body dysmorphic issues to settle down (as it is a type of OCD and if I dress merely to check my appearance, I'm performing a compulsion and therefore exacerbating the obsession). So, I think everything will eventually work out, as one day I'll stumble upon my pictures without the intention of examining my flaws and think "Hey, I looked pretty cute" and be able to resume my expression of femininity with due confidence and joy.

And I just thought my body was gross. Still do, but whatever.

Haha, haven't quite come back and found myself cute yet.

[Celeste]

Sarah,I feel the same from time to time,seems at least once a week I question the sanity of my desire to dress.Somehow I've come to understand that its all part of it for me.I wouldn't be so overly critical of your look,you look fine.Sounds like your on the right track with taking the short break.When you come back ,you'll feel how much you missed it and that will become reason enough to continue to build on the good things you do have going for you. We're really quite a lot alike with photos ,I'm never quite happy with the majority of mine.If I can't learn anything from them or they are really rotten I just delete them before getting upset with them.Please don't get rid of your things,just take that little break.

[shesadvl]

sarah im a GG and I dont like the way i look at times sometimes its often lol...:battingeyelashes:
you look pretty good no matter how you may feel.... I know purging is part of what you all go through, perhaps a suggestion,.. as my SO does...
when he doesnt feel like dressing... he packs all his things up in a suitcase and packs it away, until he feels the need to wow i want to wear stockings or pantyhose today and he fishes them out....
hes only been back dressing since after his birthday (he hadnt dressed for near on 4 months or more),...I think the reason he has been dressing of late I cover both sides of himself in presents for his guy self and for his femme side... buyin new bra's and underwear stockings etc, and the guy side was elle mcphersons men clothing...

as Celeste says take a break dont purge your clothes let things that you are dealing with die down... get rid of photographs you dont want, you can take NEW ones,....it takes
time to build what you have.... but then if there is something in your clothing that you think doesnt flatter you then get rid of it and get something that does always gives a woman a boost
why not you...;) good luck with that....

[kimdl93]

First, don't judge yourself too harshly. Your self expression was fine. We understand the ffrustrations you're feeling.

Most of us won't ever be supermodels. But if there is a part of you that feels the need to express your femininity, be assured that purging and self denial will probably not work. You pay hold out for months, or even years, but it will probably come back. Then what? A whole lot of lost time, before you start over accumulating clothes, start practicing make up skills and learning to emulate femininity in your movements and perhaps thoughts. Instead, give yourself some time, set some realistic, incremental goals and enjoy your feminine side when you can.

[GG Kathy]

Sarah. I think you look fine. As Kim said most of us will never be super models that goes for us GG's too. Trust me there are very few pictures of me as I am not happy with the way most of them turn out. We all have good and bad days. trust me even as an SO I know how expensive some of the "finery" can be. Don't purge just put it away for awhile. If and when you decide you want to dress again you'll be glad you did. Good luck

[Danni Renee]

I am hoping you have chosen not to purge. I am trying to come to grips with my own demons and reading posts from all these confident people makes me wonder about myself. I look in the mirror now and I have a hard time focusing on my hair, earings, and outfit. Instead I focus on how I need to shave and I wonder if I will ever pass for a woman the way I want to. The idea of purging crosses my mind every once in a while, especially on bad days but it seems the bad days are followed by good days. We just have to take it one day at time. I am rooting for you.

[Marissa]

Sarah, I apologize if you have stated all of my wondering questions before but I did take some time to read all your posts and profile in hopes of getting a better understanding of who you are.

How long have you been dressing? Do you have any support channels, i.e. a gg that helps to question those flaws you deeply see?

Have you been professionally diagnosed with BDD or is that a self-assessment? If diagnosed, are you in therapy or whatever the means of assistance that is used for BDD?

Okay, in your intro thread you posted a facial pic of yourself and I have to say it was a nice one with exception that a smile might have brightened up some. The pic on this thread is nice also, except not sure if its the angle of the camera or your stance that could improve..

Hmmm Improve? Is that really fair to say that? Maybe change is a more suitable word. You wonder why a woman has so many outfits all over the bed to find that ONE that fits for the moment.... or how hair style or color changes like the 4 seasons. And whose criteria are they folowing?

So many of us have gone through many changes to find our place..some took a day :) while others take years. You would be surprised on how some of us girls and guys appeared at the beginnng..and now. Oh by the way, you don't look like a 50 yr old woman as you stated in your profile. Besides, age and appearance don't always go hand in hand :).

But still you have the BDD issue going against you and possibly a misconception of immulating/being a woman and the 'ideal' woman that does not really exist.

I would seriously take the advice given on putting things away vice purging if that is still what you want to do. Take a break, assess and then decide.

[RenneB]

Nothing's wrong with you or the rest of us. Since we are all conceived as female in the womb, sometimes not all of the female characteristics are weaned out during the development process. So I have a foot in both worlds. I'm am by far not a perfect male and still working on my idea of a passing female. I am at a stage in my life where I just want to where what's comfortable. And if that's sweats and a jersey so be it. For now it's a knne length tan skirt, with knee high brown heel boots with a knit top and accessories. For me that's comfy. The rest of my little world can't deal with my reality so I am called a closeted CD. Ahh but my door has a crack in it and I'm working on letting the rest of the world in on my life.

Remember today is like a snow flake, it only lasts a short time, enjoy it for tomarrow it will be gone...

Renne.....

[Tina B.]

Sarah, I'm well over 200 lbs. and I don't like the way I look either. I dress, look at myself in the mirror and I don't see the young beautiful girl I wanted to be, I guess a lot of girls have the same problem, they don't always see what they want to either. But for me what I do see is a fat chick, she needs to go on a diet, needs to get out and exercise, and a new wardrobe. But the point is I see a fat chick in that mirror, not a fat old man, and that is really what counts. You have to make the best of what you have, and then work on the rest, but anybody that wants can get the feel even when you can't master the look, and then practice make up, styles for plus sizes, (some of them are really cute) Stop expecting perfect, it's not coming, if it where you would have been born female. And then if you still don't enjoy what your doing, give it up, pack it away, don't purge, you may want it back latter.
Tina B.

[RADER]

Hi; I am a real big guy also, and tried the purging thing also. When you are like
Paul Bunion, what else do you do. Hands are huge, so are my arms, shoulders,
Everything big, why I ware a 54" bra, try finding them at say a Kolas.
Put your stuff in a box, tape it up, put it in the basement, Attic, or rent a small
storage locker somewhere.
That way when you want to come back, it is a lot cheaper than getting everything new.
Hang in there, many here have gone through the same thing one way or another.
Not everyone can look like a runway model, just look at the average GG walking down the
street. There is a lot more 4 + 5's than 10's.
From just being on this forum, I have gain the confidence to go out under dressed a lot
more than I would ever think I would. So there is hope for all.
Rader

[Shelly67]

Right . This will be the best advice you can get regarding purging .
Do it .
But for goodness sake , pop everything into a box , then hide it away somewhere difficult ( loft perhaps ) until the urge returns .
I'm begining to think crossdressing has a crack like addiction quality ( no I don't use crack , I am cracked lol ) that once experienced never goes away ............

Don't punish yourself sugar , take some time out and be kind to yourself ......

[Stephanie47]

I am six foot and two hundred pounds. I would love to knock off some poundage and get to 165-175 pounds. I know I cannot freely express myself outside of my home. Given that, femininity is a state of mind. I feel feminine when en femme. I feel masculine when in drab. I choose to dress en femme tastefully for my age. If you think every woman is a size zero, check out the malls. There's Lane Bryant, Catherine's, many store catering to larger size women. I see many women of varying sizes that do NOT present one ounce of femininity. I see many guys of varying sizes that do NOT look masculine. Both sexes have members who look like slobs.

Do NOT purge your clothing. It's too expensive. Pack them away. See what happens. Sometimes the desire to cross-dress will disappear for years and come back later. I did not cross-dress for two years and during that time I had absolutely no desire to cross-dress. I use to hate myself for cross-dressing. When I realized I was not too different than the rest of the world, except I had an unusual desire, I came to terms with my desire to be feminine. I still do NOT understand why I am who I am, but, I am who I am. If the urge to cross-dress diminishes so be it. Self acceptance is the biggest hurdle anybody has to face, whether it is cross-dressing or any other aspect of life.

[Cynthia Anne]

Sarah Marie! Don't make me have to Pm you! 'Cause I will! You are a beautiful lady! And don't forget it! If I could only look half as good as you I'd be grateful! You talk about your looks! Well imagine me! I'm sitting in a wheel chair, and have one leg, one usable hand and ball headed! Am I complaining! NOT! I'm happy! I'm a happy GIRL! HUGS!

[minalost]

Sarah,
I really do feel your pain... I've been in kind of the same place myself lately. But I learned a long time ago the purging is just too expensive. So I left my things in the closet and ignored them for a while. But just today I ordered this cute toe ring on-line, and decided to check out my favorite web-site (this one!!!). First time in many days (maybe even weeks??? I don't remember...). So moods and desires come and go. For me, I just have to step back once in a while. Maybe this would work for you too.
Good luck, and I hope you are feeling better.

[VioletJourney]

Don't give up Sarah! We all have our little challenges but we can get through them together!

[Kathryn Philips]

Sara Marie, don't be so hard on yourself. From what I can see in your avatar behind the hair that I feel is covering too much of your face, lies what is basically very a feminine looking face. Since you are not happy with how big you see yourself, why not focus focus your efforts on substantial weight loss like I did in the last 2 years (60lb in total). The knowledge of what this would do to my waist line was enough motivation to keep me going. Your face will look if anything more feminine, and clothes will fit and look much better on you. Yes, you would have to "purge", but only to replace your wardrobe with smaller sizes. Not to mention the health benefits of not being overweight.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

I can never express my femininity properly, and I'm utterly ashamed of myself, so I'm thinking about eliminating my wardrobe and attempting to repress my femininity for the rest of my life. I'm gross.
I mean look at me...I hate how big I am

I feel that way as well...but here's the important thing....we need to learn to NOT feel that way. When the FUGLIES come up and hit you like this...we have to learn to ignore them.


How the hell do I delete this before more people see this awful picture

It's not an awful picture...neither is your profile picture...and while I think a different lipstick would be more flattering, your introduction picture is good as well. I like your wig...a LOT. And here's the thing...I comment on pics rarely, and mean what I say, I'm not just doing it to be nice.


I'm not right for cross dressing aside from my entirely irrational desire to do something I am not at all good at. Many of you are fantastic or aren't and enjoy it regardless, but what the HELL is wrong with me?

I've had similar feelings....I myself have thought that I should be "better" at the "en femme" thing than I am. But those feelings are the "depression and despair" talking and I should ignore them....why? Because in truth, while I'm no gorgeous size 2 glamazon, I do have some "skills" in fashion and makeup. And so do you!

So no purging. It doesn't work. If you absolutely must...store your things away...but don't dispose of them permanently.

Veronica

[Rachel05]

Noooooooooo don't do it to yourself, you will regret it and it will eat you up or at least it would me if I did it, it took me years to come to terms with me but I have now and it is so comfortable for me and I love to dress and become my other me, it feels right and it feels relaxed, but it takes time and I wish I had found this site many many years ago when I used to struggle with me - we are here to help, only you know you deep down but my advice is don't purge, it will hurt

[Jilmac]

Sarah, Don't be so hard on yourself. You need to lighten up and look at the pretty side of life. I see nothing wrong with your appearance in the pic you posted. GGs take their femininity for granted but for a guy it takes practice and tons of patience. Take my word, if and when you purge you'll surely regret it and sooner or later the urge will overwhelm you and you'll start again. It has happened to me throughout my life as I'm sure it has happened to many other girls on this forum.

[shesadvl]

GGs take their femininity for granted but for a guy it takes practice and tons of patience..

Jilmac I may be feminine (female) but i dont take my feminity for granted lol... i did say I dont always like the way i look either, in reference to the OP.
GG Kathy said it right.
I know for the CD'er/he/she has to work harder at being femine, I hope with help and support that you achieve these ends. looking at your avatar pic you look fine too.
:battingeyelashes:

[SarahMarie42]

Thanks for all of your support. When I return to my pictures and see them from a slightly less neurotic perspective (when I'm calm), I realize that I don't look bad at all.
Have you been professionally diagnosed with BDD or is that a self-assessment? If diagnosed, are you in therapy or whatever the means of assistance that is used for BDD?

And yes, I have been professionally diagnosed (I've also been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, of which BDD is spectral subtype). I really should attempt to seek out therapy, though. I visit a therapist, but I rarely discuss the depth of my body issues with him. I merely give him a superficial account of my insecurities, so the blame rests on my shoulders, not his.

Oops, had to edit, as I accidentally quoted more than I intended to. Anyway, at this moment, I don't think my body is bad at all (aside from the fact that I could do well with some breast forms). I also realized that the angle is one of my least flattering, and to be honest, my body obsessions compel me to take pictures from the least flattering angles in order to focus on my flaws and determine whether or not I can change them. I don't think I'm going to purge, I'm just going to stop dressing compulsively for the purpose of checking my appearance. That's not ALWAYS why I do it, obviously, I'm just saying that I should only dress to express my feminine side. Just like I did before. I USED to be really proud of how I looked, but my obsessive nature began to question the pride, and here I am.

[kimdl93]

relating to the OCD, have you been prescribed anything? I had a bout of depression with a degree of OCD years ago - I ended up on mega doses of prozac. It worked on the OCD, and as a happy side effect, I no longer had annoying songs sticking in my head! (seriously, it was my favorite side effect!!!)

[SarahMarie42]

I can't take SSRIs, I'm usually plagued with several negative side effects. Therapy is usually most effective for OCD, actually, but one suffering from OCD can usually go through the therapeutic motions without the assistance of a therapist. Compulsions intensify the obsession, when I first see my picture I think "Hey, I look pretty good", but after I view it compulsively about thirty more times or so, I can only focus on my flaws (which are usually minimal). I just have to stop at the first look. Haha


Also, don't get me wrong, I think bigger (thicker) women are absolutely beautiful. In fact, I generally prefer them to skinnier women. I just often think that I'm too large to even be a bigger woman. o.o

But...I'm not and I figure I may as well post a more flattering picture in order to be fair to myself. I'm a little chubbier, but now that I'm not freaking out, I think a little bit of chubbiness is cute. :] My breaks never last long either...once the false perceptions of self appearance wear off and I realize that I did indeed look okay, I just want to do it again. They wear off pretty quickly, and even during breaks I still paint my toenails ;x

[Marissa]

Sarah, I do thank you for clarifying the status of your BDD and OCD. You mentioned them so I thought if you shed some light to a degree that you were okay sharing that maybe others could provide feedback on that, which has occured.

I'm glad you stepped back, reassessed, and trying to see it from another view. I'm sure others can share similiar stories but I have gone through my battles of what looks better or just is a miss..lots of purchased attire that won't work, various wigs that struck out..and oh, that big dump truck of cement I got parked out back to set my foundation..LOL.. When said and done, still find something that just isn't right to me..but I see what the feedback is and then would you know it, I can live with it..Its me :)

The stance in the last pic is much better..but try to soften with a smile, no matter how little..its does bring out some nice qualities. I tend to like my facial expressions when I do the quarter turn with head tilted back with a big smile..dang if I know what I'm smiling about but I love the results.

And final thought, yes..seek out some professional help and maybe open up those insecurity issues..it might do you some good. I am just now trying to deal with my own demons..and time on a couch may be forthcoming..

Hang in there..

Hugs,
Marissa

[SarahMarie42]

I like to see what I'd potentially look like to a passerby in public. I don't think I'm going to go in public soon, though. Even though I now don't think I look like a man much. I think breast forms would help, they're just expensive and I have a limited income (actually none, I'm a full-time student). Haha

That's why I don't smile

[Katrina82]

We've all been there. Hide away all your girl clothes and accessories some where no one will find them. Eventually you'll be back. We always come back. :/
It's too expensive to purge and you'll regret it when you do start dressing again... and you WILL dress again.

[NyssaF]

Definitely don't purge: it's just too damned expensive to buy a new wardrobe the next time the urge hits! :)

I would lay down money that I am the heaviest guy here, so I can kinda relate. But the clothes alone are enough for me. My big ol' melon and hairy arms are just part of the package. :)

[juno]

Just have fun being yourself and stop worrying about fitting in as a typical male or female. Even just putting on lipstick while dressed as male can be fun, despite being rather silly looking. Just relax and avoid looking for the flaws. Ideally, your feminine side should be a source of enjoyment and relaxation. There is enough stress being a student. (It would be awesome if colleges would offer a crossdressing class for credit!!)