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Noortje
03-31-2011, 04:15 AM
I am new here and I wanted to ask about your experiences. I am 29 years old and I just started crossdressing “for real” two months ago. Before that, I managed to suppress it somehow, though I have to say that in the last year I did not do a very good job of that (buy, purge, buy, purge). The thing that kind of scares me is that now that I’m “out”, at least to myself and my girlfriend, I am having some very conflicting emotions.

I feel the urge to dress, but then when I have the opportunity I get nervous and scared to do it. Most of the time it feels great, but sometimes I just get really frustrated. Sometimes I absolutely love the lady in the mirror, but other times I hate her for making my life so weird.

I did not expect it to be this confusing, when I daydreamed about it all those years. Did any of you have these doubts when you first started? What happened to them?

VioletJourney
03-31-2011, 04:27 AM
Well, joining this forum is probably the best thing you could have done for that. You'll come to realize it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, in fact, it's more something to embrace about yourself :). Dressing gives you a different outlook on life, really.

Suzette Muguet de Mai
03-31-2011, 04:31 AM
:) Noortje, welcome to our world. If you do not "really need to purge" store it cos it gets costly replacing items. I experienced similar things but you are one step ahead as you are partially out. It has taken me a long time to begin to accept me and her for who we are and not what society and family may have expected. Noortje, you are not weird, you are on a journey to discover yourself, and for me the one thing I realise is I feel I can relate to my true inner self that I now enjoy because I have things that allow me to be truer to my own feelings than my male friends. You have begun the journey in acceptance for yourself, you are in a good place here where so many of us are also on this journey. Yes I doubted myself too, but as I continue with my journey I am learning to grab my female part and hug her dearly and together we stroll the road to understanding "why". Maybe one day I may become her or she becomes me or...we become united and together we have more to offer others who may cross our path. If you wish to find out more about yourself, chat, read and listen to all here who offer advice because all here are on similar journeys and our paths cross here at crossdressers.com.

PortiaHoney
03-31-2011, 04:52 AM
All the doubts, nerves, confusion is all really normal when you first start. Most of all when the lady looking at you from the mirror doesn't meet the expectations you set for yourself. In you fantasies you look like Angelina Jolie - in reality you look like a bloke in make up and a dress.

Society places all those conventions on us, but it's only when you finally overcome that expectation that it becomes easier. And for some that point never arrives.

Stop feeling guilty (that's where all that cr*p comes from) and just start enjoying it for what it is. You aren't hurting anyone, well make sure you aren't hurting anyone......... It sounds like your girlfriend is ok with it? And if you don't enjoy it, despite all your "fantasies", then no-one is making you do this.

And if you feel the need to purge and you are 16 tops, 12 skirts, 8 1/2 ladies shoes - please feel free to send your stuff this way LOL

Kate Simmons
03-31-2011, 05:17 AM
I took years to come to terms with myself and understand my feelings. Until the underlying feelings are addressed it remains a roller coaster ride, at least for myself it did.:)

joan658
03-31-2011, 05:59 AM
I think what you are going through is normal. I believe that many cross dressers initially think that they must be abnormal but as time goes on and as they research and learn more they discover that there are many people just like them in the world - I've read that perhaps 10% of all men in the USA cross dress to one extent or another. I certainly went through many of the same feelings early on that you seem to be having now. I think a major factor in being able to accept yourself for "you" is having a supportive wife or girlfriend and since you mentioned that only your girlfriend knows of your cross dressing it sounds like you may have a girlfriend already who is accepting. Hang on to her! Women who can come to terms with men who cross dress are hard to find ... :-) Best of luck to you ....

Joanne f
03-31-2011, 06:41 AM
Most people are brought up with the idea that there are male and female things so getting use to crossing that gender line can seam quite confusing at times , you almost have to throw out all that you have known about there being two genders and start again with your own notion of what you are and work your life around that and until you can let go of everything else it will stay confusing at times , it is just a matter of excepting who you are and then the confusion should stop , mind you that can also cause a few problems of it`s own but most can be overcome in time .

Tina B.
03-31-2011, 07:36 AM
Sounds like me many years ago, I grew out of it with time, by coming to really accept myself for who I am.
Tina B.

kimdl93
03-31-2011, 08:24 AM
Yes, coming to grips with being a CD was difficult - in my case required a good deal of therapy. We have absorbed a lifetime of messages telling us that any kind of deviation from the social norm is bad, that crossdressing is wrong, that there are two gender absolutes and you don't get to choose. Now you've started to break out of those constraints, but are understandably feeling conflicted about abandoning so much that you've believe to be true for so long. If you can't resolve this on your own, I'd encourage you to seek counseling from a capable, TG friendly therapist.

Frédérique
03-31-2011, 07:12 PM
I feel the urge to dress, but then when I have the opportunity I get nervous and scared to do it. Most of the time it feels great, but sometimes I just get really frustrated. Sometimes I absolutely love the lady in the mirror, but other times I hate her for making my life so weird.
I did not expect it to be this confusing, when I daydreamed about it all those years. Did any of you have these doubts when you first started? What happened to them?

When I started, I did things gradually, so I never experienced the doubts you are referring to. Once dressed, I was always fascinated by what I saw in the mirror, and this fascination (along with attendant feelings of joy) carried me along. Once I was out in the world in my transformed state, there were times I would feel vulnerable, and I would get nervous, even undressing back to drab to escape from these feelings. I reached a point where I would dress and not be deterred, even finding away to enjoy this feeling of vulnerability, since it has a lot to do with being non-male, or an alternative to masculine, in this overtly male world. I wouldn’t dream of calling feelings of gentleness, yielding, quietude, non-confrontation, and happiness feminine, so let’s just say they are antonyms for aggressive male behavior. Call me human, imbued with certain characteristics, and the clothes I wear reflect how I feel…

Thinking too much about crossdressing causes frustration, and life may seem rather weird at times, but I believe crossdressing is a valid, comforting expression. If it feels great, then just keep doing it – you’ll learn to manage the feelings of frustration over time, just as I did…
:straightface:

quadres
04-01-2011, 11:28 AM
I know exactly how you feel. I visited a therapist last year and I'm still coming to terms with that side of me. I haven't dressed for months but I sometimes get these dreams like last night where I am a girl and it feels good.

Like you, only my girlfriend knows and she encourages me to tell other people, but I respond with "who can I tell??". She just wants me to be open with myself and I agree, but how can I do that when I feel like I don't fit in with any group like LGBTA or regular society.

In the end, I just don't know what to do about it anymore.

Cheryl T
04-01-2011, 02:09 PM
Welcome to the club.
I felt EXACTLY the way you do for years. Having dressed since I was 8 and having a full wardrobe since I was 16 and having purged many times over the years. I finally came out to my wife who has been utterly fantastic about it all. I can dress whenever I please at home, we go out together often while I am dressed and we attend supposrt group meetings in our area.
Even though I can dress as I want when I want at first it was nerve wracking. I would want to dress yet I felt scared, awkward and still strange. Would she think different if I dressed too often? Would she be bothered seeing me dress? I would try to dress without her seeing the stages in between male and female.
It took time, but I am no longer that way. Now I am not afraid to be seen in my bra and panties without makeup and wig.
It takes time, but it does get easier. Just be comfortable with yourself first.

Susan_Xdress
04-01-2011, 04:34 PM
Ah purging:

I am very new here, and my very first post. Purging of course was my way of denying Susan’s existence. Every so often, the self-recrimination would beat me down and that god-awful nasty cloud of guilt would descend and I would make the great effort to ‘man-up’ and caste away my perversion along with my sinful collection.
Yes, it’s purge time! Get thee behind me summer frocks and pleated skirts. Throw away my high-heels, stockings, pantyhose, panties, bras and slips … and consign half of my very being to the garbage can.
And of course, like most others here . . . it can’t be done quite so easily. For myself; throwing away ‘Susan’s things’ was like killing a part of myself. I can no more be without Susan than I could cut out half of my brain.
So purging for me has always been a double crime. Economic when I think of the replacement costs .. and more importantly - the emotional cost when I so clearly remember where each and every item of Susan’s came from. And that was a loss that was/is truly irreplaceable.

Those very first items, ‘appropriated’ from my sister, stolen from a cousin, borrowed from a girlfriend . . . most of the time ill-fitting .. but no matter, pin and tuck and make them fit .. along with all of the accompanying terror and thrill of dressing in those items.
The first items that I bought in department stores and thrift shops . . . with all the subterfuges... “A present for my mother/sister .. I hope it fits… “ etc . . . . , terrified of being pointed at, identified, laughed at by some sales assistant ..

These days Susan can confidently purchase anything she wishes.

But she still has to hide her collection. Still has the occasional pang of guilt and remorse... still has moments when she thinks she can caste away her perversion with a thorough purging . . .

I think I will live all of my life with such thoughts.

And I wish I had all of the items that I have ever thrown away. They have more meaning than I ever thought possible.

Tina B.
04-02-2011, 08:27 AM
Purging is just a way to clean out the closet so you can get a new wardrobe, I can throw away a dress, but I've never found a way to throw out Tina, she just won't go away! But then who can afford to buy a whole new wardrobe in this economy.
Tina B.

BLUE ORCHID
04-02-2011, 08:54 AM
Kinda sounds normal for a nube I'm sure that you will get over it.

Orchid

Noortje
04-02-2011, 02:52 PM
Thank you all so much for your wonderful replies. They give me hope that Noortje will find a place in the world.

Lainie
04-02-2011, 03:32 PM
Noortje, we're a very international group here. I'm American, but have lived & worked in NL, and have a few observations about the Dutch. They are very judgmental, but not exclusive; i.e., they will explain to you in detail how you are wrong, but they don't refuse to associate with you because of it. I never pass, but have sometimes gone out en femme in Den Haag, and have seen strangers on the street who were definitely transgendered--one a giant Frisian farmer (I guess) wearing an outfit modeled on Queen Beatrix and struggling with high heels on cobblestones; another a slim, ****ty southerner with long dark hair who looked like a hooker and gave the impression of being in drag full-time. I mention these two, because I have never seen anyone in drag on the streets of London, Houston, Dallas, Austin, Boston, Los Angeles, ... except those I was meeting at a planned event. Did see one man in a pink sweater, pantyhose, & nothing else, once in Berlin.

So you live in a privileged place, with an accepting lady friend. I so envy you your good fortune. Like the rest who have posted, here, I struggled for decades with cross dressing, fearful that it would be progressive (which it is). I think maybe some people actually do give it up, and therefore we never hear from them on forums like this. I know for sure that many, many of us have gone through cycles of suppression & purging; regret and obsession.

Don't worry that much about purging. I donate old clothes to charity. My sizes change a little every few years. I don't get the chance to dress often--more now than at first--so sometimes I have had clothes that I tried on a few times--but never really wore--before giving them away. If the clothes make you feel guilty, dump them. If you have a deep need to dress up, go shopping. Whatever you do, use your time to connect with people instead of building barriers between yourself and others.

I wish you and your girlfriend every success.

Noortje
04-02-2011, 03:54 PM
I struggled for decades with cross dressing, fearful that it would be progressive (which it is).

Can you tell me what you mean by that? Progressive as in, it goes further and further? And you fear it will go someplace you do not want it to?