Why Won't She Go Away

[SarahMarie42]

I keep trying to embrace my feminine side and feel beautiful when I dress, but she/it/whatever just demands more and more of me. I never do well enough for she/it/whatever, I can never be satisfactory. It never stops. Do any of you also feel that way? Feel like your feminine side demands far too much from you?

[KrystalA]

No. I feel she is asking for what's due her, to be the best she I can be.

[Danni Renee]

Absolutely! It seems like the more I give the more I want. As I told my girlfriend though - the real me has been repressed all these years, and it is only natural that it is this way. The dam has burst and the flood is rolling through. But after the flood, nature tends to find its equillibrium and balance out. For me, I think that balance will lean towards my feminine side because that is what makes me happiest. However, I am still in the flood myself so we will see how things shift when my dressing is the norm.

[Kate Simmons]

CDing is a process that can take on a mind of it's own if there is no control. The only way to control it is to address the feelings and make it a choice rather than a compulsion.:)

[SarahMarie42]

You're right, I should probably hash this whole thing out with my therapist, huh? I am prone to compulsive behaviors anyway. Sooooo...yeah.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

If you can drop all the baggage around what you are doing.....its a better quality of life for any transperson...being a compulsive crossdresser is no better or worse than being just a crossdresser...and since there is nothing wrong with crossdressing..just enjoy that part of you!!

voila...instant therapy

it's a goofy way to say it..but its true

[SarahMarie42]

I'm pretty sure I'm done with her. I'll never be able to make her into what I want her to be. I don't want to show her face here. She doesn't deserve to see the light of day.

[joan658]

No ... I've come to realize that "I" AM feminine. Its not like some split personality thing for me .... being feminine is WHO I AM. And I'm very happy with who I am.

[SarahMarie42]

Well, that's all well and good, and the referring to halves as people is just convenient terminology, but as far as my feminine side goes, I'm starving the bitch.

[Danni Renee]

I wish there was something I could say to help you but you are in a place that I cannnot reach. What I can say is I spent decades "starving" myself but I am still here today. As I told my girlfriend - I can no more kill the male side of me than I was able to kill the female side of me so the only thing left to do is reconcile. I hope you are able to reconcile with yourself and find your inner peace.

[SarahMarie42]

I can't kill my feminine side, but I can certainly chain it to a post. I was actually less depressed while I was repressing myself than I am now.

[katie-bear]

I know how you feel, I often go through that self-loathing feeling when I express my fem side. I wish I had advice for you, but I don't know what to do about it either. Sometimes I love my fem side, sometimes I hate it and want to kill it.

[Danni Renee]

I can certainly understand the depression. My friend once told me of how she viewed her stress and depression. She said she was like a cup and that cup could only hold so much bad stuff until it overflowed. All it took was for that one drop too many to hit the cup and it would overflow. I found that to be a very accurate analogy for my own life. I still get caught in the depression cycle. I can only take so much until I just overflow. For me - I hate my job, I have not seen my children and family for almost 8 months, I am seperated from everyone I know and love. Add to that the fact I was not happy with myself and I was always on the edge of overflowing. For me, finally coming out to my significant other was what I needed to help empty the cup enough to make it through all the other stressors. I still have bad days and alwasy will but I am making it through.

[christinac]

I can't kill my feminine side, but I can certainly chain it to a post. I was actually less depressed while I was repressing myself than I am now.

Being that depression is a very real, very dangerous, and protentially fatal illness, you had an excellent idea about bring the subject up with your therapist and I highly encourage you to do so.

[SarahMarie42]

A lot of the other girls here are bitches. I was perfectly fine with dressing up and expressing my feminine side when I only showed my GG friends, they were always sweet and supportive and wanted to go shopping, etc, but then I come here hoping to find people similar to me who will understand, and they further subdivide themselves into smaller groups despite being part of a friggin' minority already. WTF is up with that? Do I really want to be a girl if girls act like that?

So, I'd really like some help in regard to deleting my account, actually. This place is horrible for me.

[noeleena]

Hi, Sarah

So what your saying is because we are all different we can not express our selfs in different ways, im different yet again & i dont have a problem , but then again im a nut case ,

am i sane not so sure so being both male / female does have a nice ring to it & its quite fun when all said & done. of cause girls do grow up you know & can become women , so if you try you may just find we are a pretty good bunch after all , oh well may see ya some time .

...noeleena...

[SarahMarie42]

You're not a nut case, you're nice. It's not everyone here, it's just a few people. I tend to let little things ruin my experiences. If only everyone were as nice as the few people kind enough to help me out here, I'd be fine. :\

[kimdl93]

I know many of the people on this site speak of their female side in that manner, but I see a hazard to see one's feminine side as a separate entity - one that makes demands or perhaps even controls one's life. If you are fully aware that "she" is simply part of you, and simply refer to her presense as a convenient pretense, that's fine. But, if you truly feel controlled or besieged by this alternate persona, then I'd suggest seeing a counselor.

[Danni Renee]

Don't let a few people ruin your experience. I am still new to this site and it appears you have ran in to some things I have not witnessed myself so thank you, I know to be a little more on guard. But I hope you do not let your few bad experiences taint you. I have found a lot of good advice and a lot of "sisterhood" here already. It is nice to know that the feelings I thought I only had are actually shared feelings with many others. None of us are perfect though and I think one recurring theme I have found through these threads is that we all have a little (or a lot in my case) of self doubt. I am certain that some people try to use our self doubt against us but they can only use it if we let them. Stay strong.

[t-girlxsophie]

not sure if im getting this right,because we dont answer your threads does that make us bitches.one thing about this site is it includes all kinds of people from every corner of the world.we all have something to bring to the forum give it a chance and am sure you will settle in.I think it very unfair to label ppl bitches

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Not to sound to confusing with my response, my "girl sides philosophy" is.. I have been a part of you from birth, I will be a part of you during your life( whether you like it or not), and I will be a part of you in your after life (again whether you like it or not!). I will forever always be a part of you and will never ever go away!! Basically I just have to deal with the fact that the girl side will demand and get whatever she wants be it time, and finances.

[Cynthia Anne]

Why should she go away! She loves you! You must learn to love her back! Show your love by spoiling her! She will reward you with peace of mind! After all with out her who would you be! Just another boring guy! Hey girlfriend, quit tryin' to hurt the one who loves you and get her beautiful face back where it belongs before I have to PM you! HUGS!

[SarahMarie42]

Not YOU :\ I guess I just make a pretty exceptional effort to be as friendly as possible to everyone. I'm young and naive, and I'll admit it right now. I'll admit it freely and unashamedly. I generally find myself disappointed with others because I expect everyone else to be just as open with me (but it's naivete on my part, and I'm generally overly open, so I totally don't blame you for it). I don't want to make any excuses, but I will explain to you where I'm coming from with my mood swings and paranoia. I have OCD, BDD, BPD (bipolar disorder not borderline personality), and I'm on the autism spectrum, add that to my cross dressing and I'm a pretty eccentric individual. Sometimes the paranoia, depression, and emotional intensity get the best of me. I'm usually quite fine, but this is a new step for me, and as such, I am duly paranoid. I sincerely apologize for offending anyone, I can generally use reason to keep all of this in check, but it's so easy to scream into a faceless void on the internet when I'm upset about something, and I often abuse my privileges.

On top of that, I've had maybe three hours of sleep in the last three days. :|
That actually makes ME a bit of a bitch.

[Cynthia Anne]

No apology needed! The only thing we need is SARAH MARIE! We know she's as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside! Hugs!

[SarahMarie42]

You're so sweet, Cynthia. I wish I could stay as positive as you do. You're truly an inspiration for me to consider adjusting my outlook a bit. :]

[Tina B.]

Sorry to hear you are fighting with yourself over these issues. But try to remember we are not your enemy, we may not always agree, and we may fuss like a bunch of old hens at times, but most all of the advice I've seen given hear, has been given with the best of intentions. But as we are all grown ups here, it's up to the individual to figure out what part of what they read works for them. feel free to disagree when you don't like what you read. As for your paranoia, try to remember we are a family of sorts, and there is a lot of love, forgiveness, and understanding to be had among us. Give it more time before you give up on this as an outlet, we are someone you can talk to in away.
Tina B.

[audreyinalbany]

I think it's fairly common with any enjoyable activity that the more it's denied, the more we dwell on it. I find that when I've had the opportunity to dress for a couple of days (to 'fill the tank' so to speak), that I'm quite contented for a couple weeks afterward until the urge starts creeping in again.

[SarahMarie42]

I don't want to deny it anymore. I love myself whether I'm male, female, or both. I'm going to embrace it, and if I think I look good, what the hell else matterS?

[Anne2345]

Hi Sarah Marie! You are obviously going through a rough patch right now. I would hazard a guess that a vast majority of the members here have gone through their own rough times, or are currently going through rough times now. In this, you are not alone. I also experienced very dark days long ago when I struggled with my own crossdressing issues.

It is easy to speak in terms of our feminine side as a separate entity or even individual, as opposed to our male side. I am guilty of doing so myself on this forum. However, I firmly believe that the two are not separate. Instead, they comprise, among other things, the totality of that which makes us who we are. Earlier in your thread, you stated that you were going to "chain" Sarah Marie up. I do not believe that is possible. Long ago I tried to chain "Anne" up. It did not work. Moreover, by attempting to do so, I unwittingly made myself more miserable and depressed over the long run than I originally was.

Now you are saying you are going to embrace Sarah Marie. You seem to be all over the place with your emotions, and that is absolutely understandable. I have been there, done that, as have many others of us here. Again, you are not alone! It is great that you are seeing a therapist. A qualified therapist can certainly help you achieve balance and understanding in your life. But do not give up on the forum, either. There are a lot of fantastic girls here, many of whom know exactly what you are going through. We support you, and you are one of us. The resources available here are a fantastic supplement to professional therapy.

For me, once I accepted that Anne is a part of me, that I should embrace her and love her because she is me, the quality of my life improved dramatically. Of course, it is easy to say just accept who and what you are. The real trick is to actually do it. Not necessarily an easy thing to accomplish. It took me years and years to do so. But once it happened, it was like a massive weight was taken off of my shoulders. My point is that if you really work hard to address all of your issues to your satisfaction, and come to terms with yourself, it can and will get much easier, and your life will improve. Do not give up on the forum. More importantly, do not give up on yourself!

[darla_g]

In some cases its because what your expectations are might be are unachievable.

[kimdl93]

One other point about the sometimes contentious discussions on this board. Its a good thing to have disagreement, so long as the disagreement is idea-based, and individuals are willing to discuss and disagree without resorting to personal attacks. Of course any of us, myself included, will sometimes take things too personally and respond accordingly - that's human nature too.