Distraught..

[SusanLCD]

In a conversation with my estranged wife, yesterday, I learned that she recently entered my home without my permission looking for a ring that she may have left behind when she left me almost 24 months ago. I had changed the locks 8 months after she left, but, she apparently found a way to come in while I wasn't there, anyway.

She claims that, when I changed the locks, she "knew I was up to something." Then, she told me that she was looking for the ring (which I don't have, but, would have gladly given to her, if I had it) and discovered my jewelry in the dresser drawer where she was searching. Apparently, that prompted her to explore further and she discovered femme clothing in my closet. She said this in a rather "matter-of-fact" manner and went on to other topics. Because she caught me off-guard, I wasn't prepared to discuss cross-dressing and she didn't dwell on that aspect of her search. She acted like it was no big deal to her. Or, at least, there were other aspects of the conversation that were more important. I didn't respond at all to her revelations and she continued on with her conversation to other topics.

Inside, I was shocked that she had broken into my home. Certainly, I knew that she COULD get in. But, I had believed that she wouldn't do so. I thought she had more honor than that, although my daughter has repeatedly warned me that she doesn't.

I supressed my CDing for decades while we were married because I felt our marriage was more important. Apparently, it was less important to her because she left in 2009, after 40+ years. It was almost a year after she left that I got over it and began to allow myself to CD. I had accepted that my marriage was ended and I was living alone in our former home, so, I decided to explore what I had forced aside for so long.

Now, I've absorbed all of this and find that I have mixed feelings. I'm relieved that she knows a little about my CDing. (I don't know the extent of what she knows, though, because we didn't discuss it.) But, I'm angry that she broke into my home. I'm disappointed that she had no respect for me or my privacy. And, it baffles me that she doesn't even understand that she was breaking the law. (She moved out and changed her residency 2 years ago.)

Ironically, I still love my wife. One can't spend 40+ years together without that. When I see her, I still feel those pangs of desire that will probably never leave. I even allow myself periodically to consider us getting back together. Then, something like this occurs to bring me back to reality.

I don't think there's much point in pursuing legal action. I don't believe she took anything, other than my pride. Our divorce is pending and will be done within the next month. I feel insulted that she would do this and foolish that I had given her more credit than to think she would do this. I guess I can't rant about a lack of honor when I kept my CDing inside of me for all of those years. So, I'll suck it up and go on.

I don't know where else to say this where people will understand. I don't expect anyone here to fix this. But, I felt I needed to say it to someone. Anyone. But, as you can probably understand, not everyone.

Please accept my apologies for the long post.

[t-girlxsophie]

Probably not wat you wanna hear,but I think your ex wifes behaviour has been nothing short of disgraceful,she broke into your house pure and simple and betrayed your trust-You should just go on with your life and live it to the fullest.Of course you had a long time together and that has to mean something but it shouldnt impact on your life now.a new chapter of your life has begun,time to live for yourself now.

[Mary Morgan]

I'm sorry for your distress and for your lost marriage. It sounds to me as though your ex doesn't understand that the her hall pass expired when she chose to leave. I wouldn't avoid confronting her about her illegal break-in just because you hid your legal cding from her. If she has trouble letting go, this could become a future battleground. JMTC.

[Cynthia Anne]

It is so sad that she would do this! You may want to consider that there was no ring in the first place! It's very possible that she did this because someone told her what you were doing! Hugs!

[Jeanna]

Tell her that you now have video cameras and the next time she will be brought up on charges. It's your home now, a new day, a new life.

[Raychel]

I find this disturbing that after 40 year she has little enough respect for you, to break into your home and go looking for things. There is so much more going thru my head, I will have to come back and edit this post later.

[JenniferR771]

Change the locks again-better locks this time. And then go on an online dating service. You can find someone with a better attitude--pronto. And...with a little luck...someone who is accepting, if you let her know the real you after the first date or two.

And find that ring and send it to her. Be ready if she tries to use the new information against you. Inform your lawyer, of both situations. Perhaps let her search again with a neutral third party on hand to keep an eye on her.

[Tina B.]

She left you 24 months ago, almost 2 years!! That my friend is an illegal entry, I would call the cops on my own mother if she broke into my house with intent of stealing anything in my home. And with out your, or the courts consent, that is what it is. I would let her know if she wants in my house, that takes a warrant, and a cop to enforce it. When it comes down to it, I'm still a man, and I don't let nobody mess with my castle. (as in a mans home is his castle)
Tina B.

[BRANDYJ]

I am sorry for your pending divorce. It's hard to let go of someone you love. As for the break in, I think that maybe there is more to this story then what you told us. What I mean is, you said you still love her. So does that mean you two have had contact in the past 2 years? Do you talk sometimes? Have you had her over for any reason lately? Do you want a reconciliation? I don't agree with her breaking into your house assuming she literally had to "break in". So if that's the case, changing the locks again is a waste of time and money. Did your daughter or someone give her a key to enter? I am not going to be as harsh on her as others. If any of the things I asked are true, maybe she felt some sort of entitlement to enter your home. No, it does not make it right in any way, but whatever interaction you may have had with her may have given her the idea that it was not breaking in. But just showing up uninvited got away with it? Not likely. Maybe she wanted you to open up about it and stop hiding the true you. It did not seem to matter to her if in fact she assumed the clothes were yours and not some new lady you might be seeing. There is just to little information about your dressing and her to make any a clear picture of what happened. In any case, I wish you luck in your future.
Who knows, maybe coming out to her once she broached the issue of women 's clothes and jewelry could have been the start of getting to know each other better. Maybe she wanted to see if you were man enough to admit what she has known for years.

[Melissa Jill]

Get a big mean guard dog.

[Pythos]

Um, does the term Breaking and Entering come to mind?

Your wife broke your trust entirely, and this should be mentioned in the divorce proceedings if she brings up the Cding.

[Leelou]

Wow, as others have said, what she did was a pretty serious crime. I know if I broke into my ex's house, she'd have my azz in jail. I know you probably care for her because you didn't call the cops, but I'd let her know that she can't do anything like that again.

I'm sorry for the loss of the marriage.

[Sally24]

You sound like you prefer not to pursue legal action, ok. But I would have your computer checked out for keylogger spyware just to be safe. And put in an inexpensive alarm system. Even just a stand alone motion detector might dissuade her again.

[marissa_sissy]

Actually, my ex did this to me as well, a few years ago when we initially split. (we are now divorced since 2004) At the time, she knew I dressed in lingerie, and derived sexual pleasure from being forcibly feminized, as the fantasy goes. (which may differ from you, but the facts is that it was wrong of both of our exes to break into homes they had left) It was a contributing factor to why we split, but not the only factor by any means. It was a split that both of us wanted.

Mine came in just slightly after we had split, and went to the trouble of taking every single picture, memory, and keepsake of mine from my entire life, that she could get her hands on. This included pics of me in my previous occupation as a professional athlete, as well, as wedding photos, pics of me as a kid, the whole bit. She also took any and all items that she found that I dressed in. (so, in other word, all of my lingerie) Before leaving, she even took the time to go through my garbage, that was out on the curb.

For years, I kept asking her to return, if nothing else, my photos and life long keep sakes. I know it does not sound like much, but imagine if someone had stolen all of your memories like this, including family pics, childhood pics, memories. She has them to this day. I asked her for them several times, got all mad, screamed and yelled, etc. She continued to lead me along, and tell me that I would get them. She would make meetings to meet up with me, and then cancel on short on no notice. It just kept going and going, until one day, I sent her a polite letter.

It was titled, you will not hurt me, or blackmail me any more with this. It essentially told her that she could keep the stuff, and/or burn it for all I cared. I let her know that she had stolen from me, and that karma would be her eventual judge for it. I let her know that we were never going to speak again, regardless of if she were the last person on earth. I have seen her publicly since, and did not even look at her, and will continue that way.

She has remarried, and has two kids with someone at this point, and still, has never returned it. I have days when I think, I am going to send the dude an email on facebook, etc. But it eventually faded, particularly given that I found a new wife, and someone who knows I dress, and does what she can to help me with it, and have fun with it. (although it too is hard at times)

My advice to you, is a couple of things. Firstly, in finding a new mate, if it is going really well EARLY on, tell them. Even if they break up with you at the beginning, it will save a lot of bs later on. My telling my new wife, (at time gf) that I dressed was not this easy, and she found images of men dressed in lingerie on my computer, and that I had been sending naughty little emails out to others, and stuff like that, while with her. It could have been the easiest thing I ever did, and rather than, I tried to hide it based on a fear that my new gf never even created, or caused. Do not let what happened with this situation, be a governing factor in your next relationship.

Second, you need to let your ex know that you essentially do not care, but will contact the police should you have evidence of it a second time, and leave it at that. Tell her politely, that you will file a police report, and do not care what she does about it. I would take further steps of some description, including a radio shack style security system. Let her know it is there too.

The hard part for me was the fear that my ex would tell everyone we know about the crossdressing. Which, for all I know she did. But remember that we live in a world full of strange things and people, and for the most part, few if any of our friends cared about anything she told them about me. Its blackmail, if you think about it, and the best way to handle it, in my case was "Yeah, ok, I get off on wearing womens underwear. What of it? Am I a bad guy? Ok, you got me. I am perverted and kinky." Some wear Gimp costumes and collect hair in a bag in the closet. lol. The best way to stop anyone from threatening you with this, is to just be honest, and do what you do in life.

You will be ok. But it seems to me a line needs to be drawn in the sand, regardless of the clothing you enjoy wearing. My ex and I did not have any kids, so that obviously made my situation somewhat easier to deal with. But make no mistake, your ex is a loon. (despite the fact that you still have feelings for her, that is the sad reality)

[EllieOPKS]

You changed the locks but still managed to get in your house? If it were me, I would contact the police. She has no more right to breaking into your home than I do. looking for a ring might have been a lame excuse for her looking for something else, and lets face it, if she took something else, you probably will not notice for some time. I would let the police rattle her cage, especially with the final hearing for your divorce coming up. As far as her seeing your clothes, she doesn't know if they belong to you or your girlfriend.

[GaleWarning]

I'm with Marissa on this one ... let it go this time, but let her know that she invaded your privacy and that it will not happen again.

It does sound to me as if no great harm has been done. Also, your realisation that the marriage is over, despite the lingering pangs of desire, is realistic. There is no hope of reconciliation.

Susan, things will only get worse, should you take legal action. My advise is to forgive and move on. This course of action is better for your own personal physical and mental health.

[RADER]

Did your daughter give her a key???
If the Divorce is 100% final, then she can not enter the house with out your permission.
Change the locks one more time. And if she does ask about your cloths, say they belong to a friend.
That Will keep her wondering.
Rader

[Chickhe]

Just keep it in your back pocket should the demands from her go out of your favor. Tell your lawyer what she did... I bet doing something like that can cancel the whole settlement and land her in jail with nothing. Otherwise, I guess it takes some people a long time to accept that they are no longer family. Imagine if she did find her ring and took it without telling you? What then? Would you have beleived it was stollen and reported it to police?

[ReineD]

The ring story was just an excuse to spy on you, IMO. I agree with the member above who suggested you tell her that what she did was totally out of bounds and unacceptable, and that you now have a video camera and will charge her with breaking and entering should she ever do this again. And then change your locks. Again.

You owe her no other explanation.

[Emily Ann Brown]

My advise will not sit well with this crowd.

Let it go!!!!! You make a stunk about it and she will want to know what you are still hiding from her. And she has shown she will not think anything about doing it again!!!! Get a frame deadbolt and a security alarm...A VERY LOUD ONE!


Em

[Leelou]

Did your daughter give her a key???
If the Divorce is 100% final, then she can not enter the house with out your permission.
Change the locks one more time. And if she does ask about your cloths, say they belong to a friend.
That Will keep her wondering.
Rader

I don't think your statement about the divorce being 100% final is correct. Once the couple has established separate residences, as is clearly the case here, they have no right to enter his/her residence. It's breaking/entering or residential burglary. I'd file a restraining order and let her know she's very lucky I'm not pressing charges.

[Bobbi Lynn]

How did she get back in without a key?

[juno]

I would talk to her about it. When she told you that she entered the house, did you tell her that it is not OK? I would tell her that such behavior is not acceptable, and will not be tolerated, but to let the existing past events to go. It depends on your history, but I assume that both of you have made bad choices in the past. If at all possible, it is better to focus on working towards mutual respect for each other rather than fighting, as most ex-couples do.

[Tammynnj]

it's not out of the realm of possibility that she was looking for "dirt" to use to extort a better settlement from you ... be prepared to say " go ahead make it public" or argue it was not a cause for the separation.

i'd also figure out how she got in and fix it, finally consider an alarm system.

divorces can get irrational.
e

[Tanya C]

Tell your attorney about what happened. It's possible she was searching for hidden assets or financial records.
The ring explanation is ridiculous, after 24 months resorting to burglary because of the urgent need to get it back.

[SusanLCD]

First, let me thank all of you who responded for your support. I was very upset when I turned to all of you and, in typical fashion, you have all come through with kind words and encouragement. I can't say "Thank you" enough.

In the 2 days since this revelation, i have been attending a professional training class and haven't had a chance to see these replies. However, I have had some time for the distress to subside and some points are clearer to me, now.

I now realize that, as ReineD said, there was NO RING. She said outright that she suspected I was "up to something." Now, I realize she probably came in to search and made up the ring as an excuse. Many of you picked up on that, right away. Kudos to you.

How did she get in? I believe everyone knows at least 1 way to get into their own home, if they don't have a key. Changing the locks will deter the average "honest" person, but, if someone wants in, they can always find a way. In her case, she lived here for almost 9 years and probably knows which lock/door/etc. can be forced. I know that I do. The average person would not.

I have 2 full size dogs who would react to most intruders. Of course, they know and love her, too. So, no issue there.

Threaten her with legal action? I must be careful with this one. I became unemployed a few days after we had defined the settlement terms of our divorce. Without an income, I can't meet the terms of that settlement and I will lose my home. I'm working very hard at re-employment to avoid that. And she has been holding off on the divorce until I get re-employed, knowing that I can't provide her equity until then. (Fire and ice.) So, part of the reason we were talking (yes, we do talk) was the need to finalize in the next few weeks. (A time limit has been reached and there's no more waiting.) Technically, I'm in contempt of court as soon as the divorce is final, if she wants to press that charge.

When she moved out, she refused to relinquish the house key to me. Said she still has equity in the house and has a right to come in when she wants. That's why I changed the locks. But, I underestimated her willingness to sink so low.

Many months ago, my lawyer specifically instructed her that she wasn't allowed to come onto the property uninvited. I thought she had been honoring that, until now. She lives in this same city and I haven't/wouldn't enter her home uninvited.

So, I believe I will let it ride until we complete the divorce proceedings. At that time, I will have our settlement agreement updated to reflect new dates for my financial commitment to her. Then, if I can't get re-employed in that time frame, I'll simply have to sell my home and I'll move on to "greener pastures."

I'm sorry for the long posting. But, the feedback and support you have all given to me through this thread has been wonderful and I felt I owed you more info. I hope this fills out the ambiguous areas.

Again, thank you so very much for your support. It is greatly appreciated.

[JenniferLynn0370]

Hi Susan; so much has been said by so many but I just want to give you a hug and tell you to "hang in there girl!"

I can only imagine the anger you must have felt; i know it would really upset m if that were to happen to me.

Hope you have brighter days ahead.

Hugs,
Jen

[ReineD]

I became unemployed a few days after we had defined the settlement terms of our divorce. Without an income, I can't meet the terms of that settlement and I will lose my home.

Ask your attorney if you can file a motion to reopen the case in order to provide the Court with your change in employment. My ex did this when he lost his job and accepted another at half the salary, and the judge has agreed to consider his new evidence when deciding on the settlement (we were unable to settle out of Court). Perhaps the settlement terms can be redefined.

[Presh GG]

I can't believe I'm saying this but if she took photos of your clothes or trys to hurt you in any way for being CD , just tell her they belong to the lady that took her place in your heart and your home.

Yes, yes as someone said have your computer checked. Until your divorce is over cover all your tracks.

Oh I'm so sorry there are people who can't play nice. She was definately up to something.

The best to you,
Presh GG

[Shelly67]

In times of matrimonial separation things have a nature of turning bloody nasty . Personalities can change from amicable to downright evil , sometimes fuelled by proffessional advice even .In this situation you must be amicable . After all the only ever winners in legal separations are solicitors and lawyers . Youre wifes behaviour certainly is strange in character , perhaps she is looking for evidence , perhaps not . Surely as an adult , if she were looking for a lost item wouldn't she contact you first before encroaching youre privacy ? My suggestion is thus ,firstly politely ask her for a key to HER property . You never know , her initial response will most certainly give you reason to act . You could suggest that on finding she gained entrance to youre home you feel questionable on her own safety let alone yours . Does her place of residence require more security could be a point of conversation starter. Time to box clever I feel .You could inform her (again delicately - you don't need confrontation ) with good intention , although you may share history inform her you have found the situation simply as unacceptable . It has alerted you to the safety youre home and left question on hers . If you can afford it I'd go further . Install a wireless alarm system - there are various pet friendly ones on the market that can be removed an re-installed in other locations should you ever wish to move .
I think you should most certainly be on the alert , but try to behave in a careful manner - don't give her any reasons to question or enforce her actions . Lastly , I'd inform youre lawyer .....just in case .
I hope my suggestions haven't given you cause to worry ? Please , I just wish to try to give you food for thought , because in reality IF youre wifes is recieving advice on separation with evidence then on reflection the 40 yrs you have shared will have any solicitor or lawyer rubbing greedy hands together in knowlegde theres plenty in the pot to fight over .
Good luck.

[DanyaKay]

I was always told once the milk was spoiled there was need for a second drink. Put this episode in box and don't revisit. Nothing good is gonna come from a bunch of worrying. BTW, close the curtains, change the locks as many times as necessary and get a vicious dog.

[linda allen]

She left you 24 months ago, almost 2 years!! That my friend is an illegal entry, I would call the cops on my own mother if she broke into my house with intent of stealing anything in my home. .

Well, she has the evidence of crossdressing so she can cause a lot of problems for Susan. Is it blackmail? Yes, but it's reality.

[SusanLCD]

Again, I thank you all very much for your support and feedback. I'll act on the suggestions in the way that I feel I can implement them.

[sterling12]

Well I will make a guess. Did you supply your Daughter with a new Key? That is probably how she got in. (Your Daughter gets stuck in The Middle!) But, you all split over two years ago. She entered your house without permission. Even with A Court Order to enter and retrieve her stuff, she would still need A Police Escort, and for certain her Lawyer would have advised her about that!

Ignore her comment about The jewelry and clothing. Unless your Daughter knows and told her, she is "fishing" and probably curious (Nosey!) about a New Woman in your life. Next month it will be done! However, better get her warned about these kinds of intrusions right now. If you don't, she will figure she can continue to get away with it! She will continue to plague you with these petty aggravations for years to come.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[StarrOfDelite]

Tell your attorney about what happened. It's possible she was searching for hidden assets or financial records.
The ring explanation is ridiculous, after 24 months resorting to burglary because of the urgent need to get it back.

I agreee that you should contact your attorney. In many divorce cases, but not all, it is customary for the domestic relations court to issue a standard restraining order against both parties enjoining them each to stay out of the other's residence during the pendency of the lawsuit. Violation of that restraining order, especially in the manner you described, could be viewed as a serious offense by many domestic relations judges or referees or magistrates.