I understand now why TS disappear after transitioning

[AKAMichelle]

As I go further and further in this process, I finally see a few things that surprise me. I always thought badly towards the TS girls after they transition and disappear from the community. Now I am beginning to understand since I am feeling that same feeling. While my feelings are those of just a cd'er, I see the simularities.

I have gotten to where I don't want to go to the TG friendly places as much. I want to go where mainstream america goes. The more comfortable I get the more I realize these feelings. The more I seem to be pulling away from the community.

Has anyone else felt these feelings and not transitioned?

[Amalia]

I sort of felt this way before hand, I never really saw the appeal of going to places frequented by the TG community I personally just do normal stuff when dressed, go see a movie, shop go to any old restaurant. I've never been to a one of those spots in my life but I've always sort of done my own thing...... (I'm not transitioning nor plan to)

So yes I see what you are saying I suppose, for me I just like blending in and not being seen as a CDer (though I'm quite sure it happens, but I sort of brush it off when it does)

[Pythos]

and yet, you are not here to offer support that many need. To offer your success stories, or pitfalls.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Michelle,

It's all part of changing and growing as a person. Our intrests wax and wane with whats going on in our lives. Wanting to be mainstream and fit in is natural. Every bird leaves the nest at some time, and you will allways be a part of the TG friends you have made.

Kelly

[Kim_Bitzflick]

I understand what you mean. I have only been to one TG/gay bar in my life. I'm not the club or bar type person. I instead like doing the main stream stuff. And as I move further on in the process of growing as a CD I feel I am starting to become the one others look to for encouragement like I did in the beginning. To that end, I see that you are becoming one of the leaders on this site showing others that it can be done.

[jenniferj]

Hi Michelle,

I think it's a natural progression as you become more comfortable with dressing - or anything else.

Do you remember when you were 16 and first started to drive? At that point of your life, you were intensely aware of the car and the road and you went anyplace -just to drive. Eventually, the novelty wore off. Now we just get in the car to get to where we need to be (although there still are some fun drives); I occasionally go to a car show, but I really don't get excited any more about mag wheels.

Similarly with dressing and presenting yourself as female; the first few times out you practically wet yourself with excitement. You choose safe places, and all you can think about is how pretty you feel. But then you get used to it and start doing the things that interest you for other reasons then that people will see you dressed. I absolutely love the feeling of sisterhood and acceptance I feel when I am waiting in line to use the ladies' room in a "normal" place. (BTW, nobody - absolutely nobody- would ever see girl-me in public and not know my "secret")

That said I agree very strongly with Pythos and Kim. We really do have a responsibility to encourage and support our little sisters until they become comfortable with themselves. I feel badly that I have been around the forum so little in the past months - being busy really isn't a good excuse.

-jj

[sissystephanie]

In my over 60 years as a CD, I believe that I have been to a TG/Gay bar or restaurant maybe 3 or 4 times! I am very much like Amalia! I go to the places where most of the public goes, whether it be restaurants, etc.. When my wife was still alive we often went out as 2 girls together. But we went out to normal public places, not those that catered to TG's! Now that she is gone and I have no one to do my wig or my makeup, I still dress enfemme and go out in public. To the same places that my wife and I used to go to!!

Michelle, please do stay with us on this forum. Your advice is always appreciated!!

[AllieSF]

Michelle, is it really a desire to disappear from the TG scene, or is it that you do not now need the security of the LGBT safe areas and activities? You did not mention your participation as leader of the support group that you formed. Are you considering dropping that too? Even if you did decide to relinquish your leadership role and maybe even your participation, that does not mean that you are giving up your support of this community. Just by going out as Michelle to mainstream and not so mainstream places you are a proud representative of all of us. One more person out there among the "other" people living and doing what everyone else does. Maybe you are just maturing into your new role, seeing things differently and realizing that you are seeing those things differently. I would notice it, note it and then move on. By all means do not worry about it, because it will do nothing positive for you. Enjoy what you are doing and most importantly just be yourself.

[Kate Simmons]

Once they are comfortable with who they are Michelle most folks just want to be regular people.:)

[Chickhe]

Its like being part of a club, you start out with a lot of questions and need to learn, then you become an expert and get bored with the same newbie questions and you have seen it all before. So then you just go about doing more important things in your life. I can understand how someone who transitions, goes a step beyond because once you live as a female, you want to minimize the complications and hold a certain mindset and just settle down to a calm existance. Its pretty tiring going back and forth.

[AKAMichelle]

I guess I should explained better. As AllieSF said I run a meetup group here in Denver. As of today we have 184 members after 10 months. I will still be the leader of the group next year. <LOL>

I have no intention of completely leaving the community, but I don't see the need to be at TG friendly places. I do understand how you progress through this process and eventually end up leaving after you have reached a certain point in your life. TS do it more than Cd'er because it is key to their being accepted in the new gender. I do feel like I fit less into that part of the community that will only go to TG friendly places. My trip to Chicago changed me and I am having a little trouble putting perspective on everything.

[ReineD]

My SO expanded her outings as well. At first she only went to trans-friendly places, because, well it was safe. Other than TG support groups where frienships are formed, the other places tend to be in bars/clubs unfortunately, and the scene is rather limiting.

It makes sense to branch out and eventually go out in the mainstream. We still will catch a drag show once in awhile, and go to the TG support group, but these activities are no longer the only things she does when dressed. :)

[kellycan27]

Wouldn't it be wonderful that as a cross dresser one would be free to dress up, be accepted by society, friends,family, employeers and just life in general? Unfortunately this isn't the case. Why? Because people have different ideas and opinions on how one should live thier lives. What is the difference between society''s belief that the disire and act of crossdressing is wrong, and the opinions of some of you ( cd'ers and TS alike) that for transsexuals we shouldn't have the freedom to live our lives as we please? By suggesting that we have some kind of obligation to stick around and "give back" to the TG community. Just like society is throwing up roadblocks, so are you. Just as society wants you to conform to their idea of how one should act, you believe that we should conform to your idea of how we should act.
It always astounds me how people can give advice based on their personal opinion, or what they learn on forums such as this, or from articles that they read in books, or on the internet.... without the benefit of actually living the life 24/7 365 in the real life. Leave the advice to the professionals! If someone needs a pat on the head in comfort ...by all means pat them on the head. There will always be those head patters in the TG community. There will always be the advocates and flag wavers and advice givers. But until you have walked a mile in my shoes, please don't tell me that I am obligated to hang around and help you. I have paid my dues, and now I have the opportunity to live my life as I see fit, and to live the dream that "I", "me", "myself" have worked so hard to achieve. That same dream that you yourselves lust after... wether it be living as a woman, or living with the freedom to crossdress without some a-hole telling you what you should and should not do or how you should or shouldn't act. Some people graduate college and stay on to teach, some move on to their chosen life.. it's a choice and not an "obligation" and any suggestion that people are somehow remiss for not sticking around is IMHO bullshit! :2c:
Kelly

[Kaz]

and yet, you are not here to offer support that many need. To offer your success stories, or pitfalls.

Pythos made quite a significant comment.

I totally understand the trend to move away from the CD community once you are in transition, but this an area of experience that would greatly help others who may be grappling with that dilemma. Think of it as being a teacher... pass on your knowledge?

[Stephanie Miller]

Nope.... never did the 24/7 thing.
Nope... probably wouldn't be able to go out for a day with a "senior transitioning specialist" without at least drawing attention at least once.
Nope.... can't ridicule them for not sticking around.

But just because I'm not up to thier advanced "female" status, actions and looks - I don't understand why they ignore us in private or on forums. Do friendships automaticly stop when one reaches a certain level?

However, with that said I do know one thing....There's a bunch of them that I miss.
:cry:

(Kind of like two little girls that are best friends, until one becomes a teenageer first. Then it's so long sister - you embarress me :sad: )

[kellycan27]

It's not about you, or your experience or lack there of, or any kind of (as you put it) "advanced female status" on my part. it's not about "YOU" in any way shape or form. People grow and people move on. Are you still friends with everyone you went to school with? Was there any mention of dumping old friends? Your " two little girls" comment is a great example.. little girls DO grow up and their priorities change. it's called life. At some point in time the road that cders and transsexuals travel together come to a fork. In my everyday trappings I don't run into crossdressers or transsexuals, so I can hardly be blamed for "ignoring" them in private. As far as the forums go.. I seem to find that we simply have different agendas at times, and what may be of interest to you may not or no longer be of interest to me.. neither agendas being better or worse than the other.. just different. I was hoping that we could have this discussion without it turning into an "us against them" arguement. I have no problems or ill feelings about crossdressers. I will freely admit that I really don't understand why a man would want to wear women's clothing, but I totally support their right to do so witout any kind of judement on my part. Live and let live, anything else would be hypocritical on my part.

kel

[Marissa]

To Kelly: You are very right in the fact that no one should make you feel or expect you to be obligated to continue providing continuous support (or any support for that matter) to this site or any community of the glbt scope at any time. Even a simple cd (man who likes to wear women's clothes) such as me should not be held to any expectations of support.

Only you can decide if you choose to do that in whatever manner, if at all. So yes, you can be the student who graduates and goes on to live a life away from the education sector. But with so much knowledge and experience, any support would be appreciated to those of us who are just delving into this or those who have spent years wondering "what is this about?"

And no, lets not make this a 'us against them' as you said. The OP, you and others are doing what you feel is 'normal' or desire to do by venturing into the mainstream.. Living life as you want or need to and that is great.

With that said, Michelle, its a natural progression as someone explained..and it doesn't come just because of transitioning. Even some cd's want to get away from that two blocks that most cities only allow for so called 'freedom'.. So enjoy being you..and if you decide to share or support or even visit those areas, that is totally up to you.

Hugs,
Marissa

[ReineD]

Michelle, you aren't talking about distancing yourself from the support aspect of the community, or your friends, are you? You're just talking about moving on from hanging out in GLBT bars/clubs?

[t-girlxsophie]

I will never turn my back on TG Venues,without them I wouldnt have progressed to where I am today and I have friends that only outlet is in these places,but I do agree that the desire to be seen in the mainstream does take over I think its just a natural progression when your comfortable with being out and about

[Jeannie]

Like what ever happened to Suzie Harrison. She transitioned and now she's gone. I miss her stories and her wealth of knowledge. I think maybe they move on to the total female sites and eventually forget about us here, which is somewhat understandable but saddening just the same. Although I am not now or ever transitioning, it is helpful to hear how the GG and the male side feels about us from that unique view that only a transitioning person can provide. We love you Suzie. Write4 us and let us know how you are doing down under now that you are a sheila.

Jeannie

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

I would like to say that it is hard for some of us who are trying to understand why and are slowly adjusting to accepting ourselves to see those who know now why and move on. I do not wish to be selfish, but people like you who know, comprise part of the wealth of knowledge that resides here. If all of those who have transitioned move on, some of us will be like a dog chasing its tail never getting answers that help to make our own decision.
Sigh, to accept yourself finally must be so fantastic, congratulations to you and all who have transitioned and moved on with your lives. Do come back though and offer some advice because it helps a lot even if we write nothing.

[AKAMichelle]

Michelle, you aren't talking about distancing yourself from the support aspect of the community, or your friends, are you? You're just talking about moving on from hanging out in GLBT bars/clubs?

Right - I feel like I have a perspective on TG life that needs to be told so I will.


Like what ever happened to Suzie Harrison. She transitioned and now she's gone. I miss her stories and her wealth of knowledge. I think maybe they move on to the total female sites and eventually forget about us here, which is somewhat understandable but saddening just the same. Although I am not now or ever transitioning, it is helpful to hear how the GG and the male side feels about us from that unique view that only a transitioning person can provide. We love you Suzie. Write4 us and let us know how you are doing down under now that you are a sheila.

Jeannie

Suzie moved to a different forum. She is very active there, but for whatever reason she left this one.

[dilane]

Yes, many TS's don't want to be associated with the T-world, and go stealth. You're less likely to be read out in the straight world when you're not in a pack of T-friends. I understand the desire to just be "normal" (unread). One former good friend even cut off all contacts with her T-girlfriends.

Not all TS's are this way, though. I know three very passable ones who don't mind being seen with me :)

I go only to straight venues now, including clubs, bars, shopping. I've even been on two juries en femme.

I used to feel safer in the T and Gay world. But once you get out into the real world, it's addicting.

-- Diane

[busker]

As I go further and further in this process, I finally see a few things that surprise me. I always thought badly towards the TS girls after they transition and disappear from the community. Now I am beginning to understand since I am feeling that same feeling. While my feelings are those of just a cd'er, I see the simularities.

I have gotten to where I don't want to go to the TG friendly places as much. I want to go where mainstream america goes. The more comfortable I get the more I realize these feelings. The more I seem to be pulling away from the community.

Has anyone else felt these feelings and not transitioned?

Michelle, while it does, as several have said, help those who remain behind to receive advice from those who have "made it", the problem with staying on is that one's own development begins to lag and that may be the feeling as well for people who disappear. And , we are all different and what works for one, doesn't necessarily work for another. It is hard to say to your friends that they are becoming anchors so to speak. How many months and years can one talk about lipstick and panty colors? At some point we all need to cut the cord and "grow up". Being an eternal apprentice is not rewarding in the least. Being satisfied to remain in one niche is to be stunted and you want to grow and be a real person. More power to you, and good luck in whatever you decide to do. It is in there, just let it come out.

[vaga505]

What does "real person" mean? what are its significants? how is it apply to a CD?
If you may, thank you

[ReineD]

I think it means being genuine: being true to the self, without being held back by other people's beliefs or expectations of who you should be.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Everyone has a different path that they must follow, and for most TS it takes them from the TG world eventually into the mainstream world. That is not a bad thing of in of itself, and although the will not apply to the vast majority of TS and their experiences, I feel the need to share this story.

I have a TS friend who is very near and dear to me, who started out only dressing a couple times a month, and then eventually transitioned, went on HRT and had her SRS. As part of her transition, her gender shrink told her to dress more like every other GG and to get involved with various activites and groups and such GGs her age were doing. She walked away from the regional TG community and was completely mainstreamed.

Well... that lasted for a few years.

Everyone who knew her, knew about her past life and that she was a TS (and knew her as a man.) Moving away to somewhere no one knew her was not an option due to poor health and her fixed income as a retired person. She is very tall for a woman her age, has a growly voice that never really changed, has broad shoulders, a large frame and some prominent male facial features. In other words, after all the HRT, the RLT and SRS, she is still clocked as being born male and is read often, and where her story differs from the majority.

As it turns out, mainstream society was not (and still is not) very kind to her. Her efforts backfired when she tried to get involved with women's groups, overall they rejected her because of her past life and her residual male appearance, and it all really hurt her feelings. Whenever she dressed up nicely, even just for a special event, as she likes to do (and as she says, a woman of her age do), she was on the receiving end of catty comments from more than a few women. She tried dating cisgender men, all of whom in the end either only wanted sex because she was a TS, or would not be seen out with her in public at mainstream places; the lesbians rejected her because she was not a "real woman".

Years after she left the TG community behind and became a "real, mainstream woman"... she came back and is now involved with the community again. After all she has been through, she feels most accepted where she started. She said she learned that for someone who is different and cannot escape that fact, mainstream society is not all it is cracked up to be, and that she learned this the hard way. She said it is ironic, the kindest people in the world to her today, and the ones who relate to and appreciate her most... are crossdressers; in the end, being a man in a dress is exactly what she hated and never wanted to be, and were the exact people who ended up being the kindest to her of all. And in the end, she even ended up engaged to a crossdresser.

[Rianna Humble]

Isn't it all just a matter of different perspectives?

Some people get an education and go into teaching, in their opinion they are not being "held back" by students, others finish their education and go on into the worlds of business, sport or whatever. In doing so they inevitably lose touch with some they knew as a student - does that make them a better/worse person than the one who went into teaching? Not at all - it makes them different.

Some people like to be advocates on behalf of others whose causes have touched them in some way, others feel like that makes you a professional activist and use that term in a negative way. Who is right? Both and neither.

We occasionally upset people if we say that we will be sad to see them go and to lose the friendship and counsel that they have offered. Expressing our personal feelings need not be a way to hold the other back, but is merely being honest.

In the end, those who feel the need to move on from communities such as this have every right to do so. We grow and we change; were we wrong before or are we wrong now? Neither, we have simply evolved. Equally, those who chose to stay and/or act as advocates for the community have a right to do that without being looked down upon.

Let's just celebrate who we are and not worry about why some people stay and others go.

[MillaMarie]

There is really so much room under the big tent of TG that to divide ourselves is silly. Our love is what makes us real (from "Velveteen Rabbit"), we all can be friends and try to understand our differences. Just like any group of people we vary from the closeted CD at one end to the totally stealth TS at the other. In fact though the majority of us lie in the belly of the bell curve and are just TG. It's likely any real political change or social acceptance will be produced from this "middle group", in fact this is happening already.

[Kittie]

I have not started any treatment yet, but I am waiting on my appointment at the gender clinic, I'm looking forward to it, and yes I often look into my future and I would feel that at some point I would prefer not to be tagged with the letters T and S the rest of my life. Saying that, if everyone felt that same way, would there be people who are "out and proud" fighting for our rights and outing themselves solely for that purpose?

[kristinacd55]

It seems that would make sense Michelle for sure. I'm not transitioning, but since beginning of the year have been going to support group meetings, shopping once enfemme, and out to 2 clubs. I guess I'm heading the other way at the moment!
But it makes total sense from the direction you're heading in....

[Kaitlyn Michele]

There is a difference when you say that your own personal growth as a crossdresser is leading you somewhere vs saying you understand why ts people "leave the community" ..or that you have negative feelings towards us..or that we somehow divide the "community" when we chose to move on become ourselves..

people that transition universally learn how different crossdressing is vs living day to day in a female role..
it's hard to debate this point because unless you go through it, its not something you can easily speak to..

although i'm sure michelle you didn't mean it this way, it feels terrible to me when you say you understand why the ts person leaves and that it causes negative feelings..
I don't think you understand at all ..you would not say anything negative about it if you did...

its not comparable to your growth as a crossdresser (which is very positive and wonderful thing btw).
Transition is permanent and total. There is no dual nature, no transgender feeling, no FUN(as it relates to dressing)....
we risk our health and our lives, we endure physical pain, we hurt the people we love the most and we sever the past, and in many cases leave everything behind to rebuild a better life..

There is an obvious similarity in that we need to learn femaleness just like crossdressers, we are both shunned by the majority of society, and for me anyway, i spent alot of time thinking of myself as a crossdresser and having alot of fun..but for the ts it's a phase (that many ts people never have btw).

Lay off the ts women that "leave the community"...begrudging moving on just highlights how little you really know about what transition means to the transsexual person.

[AKAMichelle]

There is a difference when you say that your own personal growth as a crossdresser is leading you somewhere vs saying you understand why ts people "leave the community" ..or that you have negative feelings towards us..or that we somehow divide the "community" when we chose to move on become ourselves..

people that transition universally learn how different crossdressing is vs living day to day in a female role..
it's hard to debate this point because unless you go through it, its not something you can easily speak to..

although i'm sure michelle you didn't mean it this way, it feels terrible to me when you say you understand why the ts person leaves and that it causes negative feelings..
I don't think you understand at all ..you would not say anything negative about it if you did...

its not comparable to your growth as a crossdresser (which is very positive and wonderful thing btw).
Transition is permanent and total. There is no dual nature, no transgender feeling, no FUN(as it relates to dressing)....
we risk our health and our lives, we endure physical pain, we hurt the people we love the most and we sever the past, and in many cases leave everything behind to rebuild a better life..

There is an obvious similarity in that we need to learn femaleness just like crossdressers, we are both shunned by the majority of society, and for me anyway, i spent alot of time thinking of myself as a crossdresser and having alot of fun..but for the ts it's a phase (that many ts people never have btw).

Lay off the ts women that "leave the community"...begrudging moving on just highlights how little you really know about what transition means to the transsexual person.

I am not begrudging them in any way. I am very happy for them. I feel like they are achieving their goal of being a true woman and the TG community ties them to their past. That past is something which interferes with their acceptance in the world.

I had a TS woman tell me once that it is the duty of every person to tell those behind her about their experiences in the hope that the ones behind them will have it easier than they did. I think we as cd'er must do the same thing.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

your op said more than what you are saying now..

you said
"I always thought badly towards the TS girls after they transition and disappear from the community. Now I am beginning to understand since I am feeling that same feeling. While my feelings are those of just a cd'er, I see the simularities."

I'm saying that the similarities are superficial. I'm saying it's not the same feeling...
it's a false and damaging narrative to say that ts people somehow owe "the community"
the costs of transition are so high in every way, it's an unrealistic burden to owe anybody anything.

why does anyone assume that ts women don't tell those behind us about our experiences??
every transsexual person i know quietly advises other transsexuals on important matters around transition..
there comes a point for most where the endgame is to disappear, but don;t underestimate everything that's done prior to help prior to that...
and even those that are "deep stealth..what a term!" often communicate and help others like secret spies..

[Katesback]

If you are one of the few people that accept yourself as you are and have the strength to live your life as you want it does make senese. If you were an addict and you cleaned yourself up would it make sense to hang out with addicts? If you were someone who used to do high risk behaviors and then you stopped would it make sense to hang out with the people you did before when you were doing the high risk behaviors?

If you are one of the few trans people that make it to the point I made in my first line of the post why would you want to continue to want to hang out with people that are so far behind you still trying to firgure out what they are. Finally spare me the line that you could help other trans people. I only laugh at that. Trans people as a whole dont listen to other people including trans people.

Katie




As I go further and further in this process, I finally see a few things that surprise me. I always thought badly towards the TS girls after they transition and disappear from the community. Now I am beginning to understand since I am feeling that same feeling. While my feelings are those of just a cd'er, I see the simularities.

I have gotten to where I don't want to go to the TG friendly places as much. I want to go where mainstream america goes. The more comfortable I get the more I realize these feelings. The more I seem to be pulling away from the community.

Has anyone else felt these feelings and not transitioned?

[Nicole Erin]

Well I guess I kind of qualify as one of the "transitioned".
I man at this point I have done about all I can do with my limited funds and looks and whatever. I don't "pass" so greatly but let me give some feedback on this -

YOu really do get to a point where gender is no longer an issue. Maybe you pass maybe not, you quit caring, not in an apathetic way but just in a sense of you quit obsessing over it. I have to go to the BMV today to renew registration on my car, and of course explain my legal name change. Know what I am gonna wear? Same thing I always do - faded black sweats, no makeup, and hair combed. I don't care if they see "male" or "female". Why will I dress like this? Cause it is comfy.
I am me. Let people see what they want.

It is nice when people call me "ma'am" over the phone, as I know my voice is not giving me away. I still do get a bit of a rush out of that.

One really fun part is when people do know I am TS and I get questions about what is in my pants. (not post-op BTW)

With employment, when I get turned down for jobs, even though I DO dress well for interviews, I always wonder if they are discriminating. I don't know if they see some tranny or a woman. Not something I can really ask them. I guess in a recession, finding a job is hard either way.

But ultimately, when you get to a point where living full time as a woman is reached, honestly folks, you kind of start thinking, "is THIS really the big deal I thought it was gonna be?"

As a TS, I envy the CDs. At least they can still get enjoyment out of all this.

[Stephanie Miller]

"It always astounds me how people can give advice based on their personal opinion, or what they learn on forums such as this, or from articles that they read in books, or on the internet.... without the benefit of actually living the life 24/7 365 in the real life. Leave the advice to the professionals!" Kellycan27
When I walk into a store as a CD, and I'm not read, my experience is different than a TS who went in and WAS read. Who's a "professional"? Does time? Does desire? Ability? Future intentions on how to live? I have just as much validity to express my opinion on this experience and what has been learned as the TS does. (Maybe more, because what I did made it possible to not get read!) But I'm being told to NOT give advice on personal opinion but the TS can. That's like me telling you to stop giving advice about relationships because I've been married 35 years (to the same woman) and you don't have that track record yet. You do have your own experiences to draw on, as well as others relationships you saw fail and may know why. I didn't have to break my leg to know it hurt, or how not to jump off a cliff to prevent it. I read or saw about it. But your logic suggests I not say anything to anyone until I break my own leg. (How many limbs does one have to break to be a "professional" limb breaker?)

In an earlier post I was told it's not about "YOU". Wanna know something? It IS about me. It's also about you. It's about everyone that has had the TS/CD/TG label and any other label that fits on this forum. We all took that first step. We all have our experiences. It's about friendships started and friendships ended. (For whatever reasons). For some it's a feeling of loss. Loss of family. But you're right. Know body is obligated to stick around.

I understand your desire to not have this turn into a "us against them" argument". Yet I couldn't help but reread your posts and see you have many statements that can be construed as us against thems. As you, I do not want a us against them. I may have been wrong in how I approached my sentence " I don't understand why they ignore us..." It should have read "I don't understand why most of the TS I've ever known ignore us..." I have had many, many years of experience in the L.G.B.T. community. I have met and are friends with countless of the same. It is my (read: mine only) experience based on the TS that I have been associated with, almost all have followed the path of non association with CD's after they transition. I'm not holding it against them - any more than I hold it against friends that I don't get Christmas cards from anymore.
You're last sentence caught me off sided. And I am genuinly curious as to your way of thinking on it. " I will freely admit that I really don't understand why a man would want to wear women's clothing". Do you say this because you feel "men" are CD's and "women" are TS? Does every TS have to transition? By clinical definition every CD and TS IS a man. (A person with two X chromosomes is female, and a person with one X chromosome and one Y chromosome is male.) So, you, by definition are a man. And you seem to enjoy dressing as a woman.
So I guess I'm not following your thought patttern.

[kellycan27]

"It always astounds me how people can give advice based on their personal opinion, or what they learn on forums such as this, or from articles that they read in books, or on the internet.... without the benefit of actually living the life 24/7 365 in the real life. Leave the advice to the professionals!" Kellycan27
When I walk into a store as a CD, and I'm not read, my experience is different than a TS who went in and WAS read. Who's a "professional"? Does time? Does desire? Ability? Future intentions on how to live? I have just as much validity to express my opinion on this experience and what has been learned as the TS does. (Maybe more, because what I did made it possible to not get read!) But I'm being told to NOT give advice on personal opinion but the TS can. That's like me telling you to stop giving advice about relationships because I've been married 35 years (to the same woman) and you don't have that track record yet. You do have your own experiences to draw on, as well as others relationships you saw fail and may know why. I didn't have to break my leg to know it hurt, or how not to jump off a cliff to prevent it. I read or saw about it. But your logic suggests I not say anything to anyone until I break my own leg. (How many limbs does one have to break to be a "professional" limb breaker?)

In an earlier post I was told it's not about "YOU". Wanna know something? It IS about me. It's also about you. It's about everyone that has had the TS/CD/TG label and any other label that fits on this forum. We all took that first step. We all have our experiences. It's about friendships started and friendships ended. (For whatever reasons). For some it's a feeling of loss. Loss of family. But you're right. Know body is obligated to stick around.

I understand your desire to not have this turn into a "us against them" argument". Yet I couldn't help but reread your posts and see you have many statements that can be construed as us against thems. As you, I do not want a us against them. I may have been wrong in how I approached my sentence " I don't understand why they ignore us..." It should have read "I don't understand why most of the TS I've ever known ignore us..." I have had many, many years of experience in the L.G.B.T. community. I have met and are friends with countless of the same. It is my (read: mine only) experience based on the TS that I have been associated with, almost all have followed the path of non association with CD's after they transition. I'm not holding it against them - any more than I hold it against friends that I don't get Christmas cards from anymore.
You're last sentence caught me off sided. And I am genuinly curious as to your way of thinking on it. " I will freely admit that I really don't understand why a man would want to wear women's clothing". Do you say this because you feel "men" are CD's and "women" are TS? Does every TS have to transition? By clinical definition every CD and TS IS a man. (A person with two X chromosomes is female, and a person with one X chromosome and one Y chromosome is male.) So, you, by definition are a man. And you seem to enjoy dressing as a woman.
So I guess I'm not following your thought patttern.

Maybe i should have worded it differently. I don't understand whay a man who "clearly states" that he has no desire to be a woman.. wears women's clothing. When I said that it wasn't about "you".. meaning you as a person wether you be cd or TS, passable, not passable, whatever. It more about the tg community as a whole. You have recounted your experiences with cd's and other transsexuals so I will in turn recant my experiences. It has been my experience that almost every cd.ts.tg person that I have ever met can't seem to get over the fact that they are (insert label). Their lives, their livelyhoods and their focus seems to be all about being transgender. Granted, we all have to start somewhere, but how long must we stay in limbo?
if someone wishes to be an advocate, flag waver, proud member of the TG community, or hang out at tg venues, associate with other so the same mind.. more power to them. I respect their work and dedication. What I have found is that there is more to life than being a transsexual. I have moved on, and again (just so you don't get offended) I don't mean I am better or know more, I just think differently than maybe you do.
My comment on "leaving the advice to the professionals" stemmed from the comments that s couple people made about staying around to council and advise those who are coming up. How many times have I seen people giving "advice" ( as opposed to opinion) on GID, HRT, relationships etc, who are clearly not qualified to do so? I personally don't feel qualified to give such advice. If you or others do... knock yourself out!

[Rianna Humble]

your op said more than what you are saying now..

you said
"I always thought badly towards the TS girls after they transition and disappear from the community. Now I am beginning to understand"

So why can't you accept the humble admission that she had been wrong in the past?



Your last sentence caught me off sided. And I am genuinly curious as to your way of thinking on it. " I will freely admit that I really don't understand why a man would want to wear women's clothing". Do you say this because you feel "men" are CD's and "women" are TS? Does every TS have to transition? By clinical definition every CD and TS IS a man.

I will start with that last misstatement. By stating that every CD and TS is a man you are doing a great disservice to the FtM's on these forums - or don't you believe that there can be such a thing? You are not even right that every MtF TS is clinically a man - we may have the sex organs of a man but we do not have a clinically male brain - although I will not volunteer to let you dissect my brain to prove the truth of that statement whilst I am alive.

Again, your contention that every male has one X and one Y chromosome and that every female has only two X chromosomes does an enormous disservice to those who were born XXY or XYY or even XXYY - all of these combinations exist in real life but according to your over simplification they cannot be either male or female, so what do you want us to call them?

Why do you get offended that Kelly does not understand why people who self-identify as men want to wear women's clothing? Go back through the MtF forum and count up the number of times that certain CD'ers proclaim that they are, have always been and will always be a man yet these same people say that they want to wear women's clothing. Confused? You will be.

[Fab Karen]

I will freely admit that I really don't understand why a man would want to wear women's clothing, but I totally support their right to do so witout any kind of judement on my part. Live and let live, anything else would be hypocritical on my part.


Though at one time you were one of those ( in body ).
Live your life as works best for you, I agree. IF someone ( & I'm not saying you are ) decides to hide that they were born with a male body from intimate people in their life, they're living with a ticking time-bomb.

[kellycan27]

Though at one time you were one of those.
Live your life as works best for you, I agree. IF someone ( & I'm not saying you are ) decides to hide that they were born with a male body from intimate people in their life, they're living with a ticking time-bomb.

I don't recall ever feeling like a man. I did qualify my statement to say a man that clearly identifies as a male and dresses. I agree that hiding the fact from intimate people would be a big mistake. My husband knows ( he was with me during my srs) lol My family and friends know, and my co-workers know. For anybody else they are welcome to take a guess either way. Is she or isn't she? I am just not going to hang a sign around my neck.

[Fab Karen]

I don't recall ever feeling like a man. I did qualify my statement to say a man that clearly identifies as a male and dresses. I agree that hiding the fact from intimate people would be a big mistake. My husband knows ( he was with me during my srs) lol My family and friends know, and my co-workers know. For anybody else they are welcome to take a guess either way. Is she or isn't she? I am just not going to hang a sign around my neck.

You can see that I amended it to clarify, the biology of a man. And I didn't see that newer post when I wrote my comment. But some may feel like both ( though you don't have to understand it- as long as people are treated with respect ). I will point out I did not say or imply that you should tell the world about it ( but maybe like me you are saying things for more than just the person responding ).

[ReineD]

Maybe i should have worded it differently. I don't understand whay a man who "clearly states" that he has no desire to be a woman.. wears women's clothing.

You and I have talked about this in the past, :hugs: and I can understand that as a woman who is solidly at one end of the binary gender paradigm, it's difficult for you to understand not being either one or the other, or in other words, being both. Until I became involved with this community, specifically my SO, I didn't understand it either.



It has been my experience that almost every cd.ts.tg person that I have ever met can't seem to get over the fact that they are (insert label). Their lives, their livelyhoods and their focus seems to be all about being transgender. Granted, we all have to start somewhere, but how long must we stay in limbo?


The thing is, a TS has a definite goal, which is to move from one end of the gender binary to the other, in her appearance and as she is seen and accepted by others. It's bound to be uncomfortable during the process especially if she begins later in life and it makes sense that during this time her life would revolve around transition issues. But, there is an end in sight for her, hopefully.

There are other individuals who are neither male nor female: a third gender so to speak, which is a combination of both. The goal is not to become permanently female, but to learn to live happily with both genders that sometimes conflict, in a world that will only accept one or the other.

I think it is even more difficult for someone who is not happy being purely a man, and who doesn't see herself eradicating her male gender entirely, to reach inner balance and peace. And I do think that most CDs fall somewhere in there. It's got to be confusing! Just imagine having to live a life perched on top of a fence because this is where your true gender lies, while people on each side are trying to pull you off to their side because they don't understand that a valid solution for the CDs/TGs is to try to make a life up there. So is it any surprise that living like this seems to take up so much energy? These TGs are not stuck in denial because they are fearful of transition. Rather, the geometric plane which is formed by each side of the fence needs to expand to a three dimensional space where there is ample room for those sitting on top of the fence who feel they belong there.

OK ... I'm not TG and I can't say that what I've described is accurate, but it is the best understanding I have of the situation.

[Fab Karen]

"OK ... I'm not TG and I can't say that what I've described is accurate, but it is the best understanding I have of the situation.
Reine"
I'd call that a pretty good job.

[kellycan27]

You can see that I amended it to clarify, the biology of a man. And I didn't see that newer post when I wrote my comment. But some may feel like both ( though you don't have to understand it- as long as people are treated with respect ). I will point out I did not say or imply that you should tell the world about it ( but maybe like me you are saying things for more than just the person responding ).

Yes, I was responding in the general. And yes, I know that I don't need to understand it, and you may even have been correct when you said.. "though you were one too" , that may well be true, but i probably didn't understand it then either :heehee: i don't have an issue with anything you have said.

Kel


You and I have talked about this in the past, :hugs: and I can understand that as a woman who is solidly at one end of the binary gender paradigm, it's difficult for you to understand not being either one or the other, or in other words, being both. Until I became involved with this community, specifically my SO, I didn't understand it either.



The thing is, a TS has a definite goal, which is to move from one end of the gender binary to the other, in her appearance and as she is seen and accepted by others. It's bound to be uncomfortable during the process especially if she begins later in life and it makes sense that during this time her life would revolve around transition issues. But there are other individuals who are neither male nor female: a third gender so to speak, which is a combination of both. The goal is not to become permanently female, but to learn to live happily with both genders that sometimes conflict, in a world that will only accept one or the other.

I think it is even more difficult for someone who is not happy being purely a man, and who doesn't see herself eradicating her male gender entirely, to reach inner balance and peace. And I do think that most CDs fall somewhere in there. It's got to be confusing! Just imagine having to live a life perched on top of a fence because this is where your true gender lies, while people on each side are trying to pull you off to their side because they don't understand that a valid solution for the CDs/TGs is to try to make a life up there. So is it any surprise that living like this seems to take up so much energy? These TGs are not stuck in denial because they are fearful of transition. The geometric plane which is formed by each side of the fence needs to expand to a three dimensional space where there is ample room for those sitting on top of the fence who feel they belong there.

OK ... I'm not TG and I can't say that what I've described is accurate, but it is the best understanding I have of the situation.

I totally understand what you are saying, and I am not faulting anyone for who what or where they are in the spectrum. All I am trying to say is that I am not in that place, and those issues are no longer the issues that I have to deal with on a on going basis. People act like they are being attacked when this is clearly not the case.

[ReineD]

All I am trying to say is that I am not in that place, and those issues are no longer the issues that I have to deal with on a on going basis. People act like they are being attacked when this is clearly not the case.

I agree .. no one should be faulted for making the decisions they need to make for themselves. :hugs:

[Stephanie Miller]

You are right Rianna in that I did not include all X's and/or Y's with all combinations thereof. I just got to carried away with a thought pattern. I meant no offense to anyone. Just trying to get a thought across and forgot to think it out.
As for the "Why do you get offended that Kelly does not understand"....
Please re-read. I said I was genuinly curious on her way of thinking. Nowhere did I say I was offended. There might have been once in all the posts Kelly and I have shared in the past where I might have been ticked - but I can't think of any. I highly enjoy Kelly's discussions and thought patterns. I just wanted more of her clearification of that statement. She has always in the past held herself to a high standard of "debate" on this forum and I can only assume she was not feeling hurt or threatened by my post - but mearly expressing her side. (At least I hope so.) Besides all that, I haven't seen her on here in a while, and I for one am glad to see her around.
(Hi Kelly, and congrats on all you've had going on :wave: )

[kellycan27]

You are right Rianna in that I did not include all X's and/or Y's with all combinations thereof. I just got to carried away with a thought pattern. I meant no offense to anyone. Just trying to get a thought across and forgot to think it out.
As for the "Why do you get offended that Kelly does not understand"....
Please re-read. I said I was genuinly curious on her way of thinking. Nowhere did I say I was offended. There might have been once in all the posts Kelly and I have shared in the past where I might have been ticked - but I can't think of any. I highly enjoy Kelly's discussions and thought patterns. I just wanted more of her clearification of that statement. She has always in the past held herself to a high standard of "debate" on this forum and I can only assume she was not feeling hurt or threatened by my post - but mearly expressing her side. (At least I hope so.) Besides all that, I haven't seen her on here in a while, and I for one am glad to see her around.
(Hi Kelly, and congrats on all you've had going on :wave: )

Nope Stephanie.. I am not upset or offended in the least, and I am glad you aren't either. You and I have always gotten along wether we have agreed on something or not. :hugs: I don't see any reason to change that now. ( Not that disagree here, just different opinions)

Kel

[kimdl93]

There are other individuals who are neither male nor female: a third gender so to speak, which is a combination of both. The goal is not to become permanently female, but to learn to live happily with both genders that sometimes conflict, in a world that will only accept one or the other.

I think it is even more difficult for someone who is not happy being purely a man, and who doesn't see herself eradicating her male gender entirely, to reach inner balance and peace. .

Therein lies the importance of this site and the ongoing support from people like Michelle. Many of us do not know where we are on that spectrum of gender identities, or because of our own self image, family cirucumstances, etc. simply cannot imagine moving completely to the female idenity permanently nor full time. It might be a dream, an enduring longing, or a source of lingering pain, but its where we are. We're not all professionals, but it helps to have fellow travelers on this journey.

[Rogina B]

Reine wrote about the conflict that many T's battle. I know that I am conflicted and probably shallow in my thinking as well. To me,a T is a female impersonator,with some better at it than others.We weren't born with female genitals,some of us may have bought them,but we aren't the "real deal". I enjoy hearing about the experiences of full time T's as well as transitioned T's.I am shallow because I am into the presentation aspect of the life.So,someone like TamaraV and her world interests me.As does Kelly,in that she has honed her skills to a point where she could work in the corporate world,without making waves.And there are lots more that blend in and do it.It seems that the energy that some of us put into our look,is equal to what many in transition put into analysis through therapy,and some care very little about their female impersonation skills. And,I enjoy hearing of this as well as the hurdles of transition. So,I do miss the input of certain people when they leave us.:2c:

[Sarasometimes]

It varies from person to person and I view it like parenting a child. You gain what you need in life from them but then you move onto your individual lives. Some here will always want/need to be in this community. others and a transitioning TS makes perfect, sense will move on to another stage in thier lives. When children mature and move out that is a sign that they got what they needed from thier parents to become indipendent much like our community giving what a TS needed. These things, although sometimes sad for some are all part of us "growing". Think empty nest syndrome. The opposite is your kids never leaving...

[Rianna Humble]

To me,a T is a female impersonator,with some better at it than others.We weren't born with female genitals,some of us may have bought them,but we aren't the "real deal".

I'm sorry that you have bought into the fallacy that we can be defined by what is between our legs. Human beings are so much more complex than that.

I cn understand cisgendered people confusing sex and gender because for them there is no difference, but it always hurts when a member of this community seeks to put us down like that.

I wish I could have been the same gender as my sex organs - I might have been able to have a normal life and to know what it is not to have to rip out the heart of someone you love to distraction just because you cannot be a husband when you know from the depths of your being that you are not a man.

If I had been defined by what is between my legs rather than by my gender I might not have got to the stage roughly 2 years ago where I couldn't sleep because of planning the different ways in which to end my sorry excuse for a life, or I might have been able to have a normal relationship with another person instead of worrying from the outset each time what it would do to them when they found out that I am not a man.

Put in its simplest terms, I might even have understood what happiness means.

[Kiera79]

But until you have walked a mile in my shoes, please don't tell me that I am obligated to hang around and help you. I have paid my dues, and now I have the opportunity to live my life as I see fit, and to live the dream that "I", "me", "myself" have worked so hard to achieve. That same dream that you yourselves lust after... wether it be living as a woman, or living with the freedom to crossdress without some a-hole telling you what you should and should not do or how you should or shouldn't act. Some people graduate college and stay on to teach, some move on to their chosen life.. it's a choice and not an "obligation" and any suggestion that people are somehow remiss for not sticking around is IMHO bullshit! :2c:
Kelly

I think it is great that your living your life. I miss talking to you but I know you have a life and I accept that as I too have a life to live. What I hate is when some put a new thread it will get stupid amount of hits and replies but when another does the same it might get 2 replies and 200 views. That too me isn't support, its favoritism at its worst. WE ALL need that extra nudge to go the next step. Just do it in a constructive way.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It really is incredible to me as i read this thread how someone can say they wish ts people would stick around for support, but then also be reading comments about "buying genitals" and female impersonators..
I posted here to defend the girls that decided its either too painful or not worth their time to post here and support people....the chasm between cd'ers and ts people is very large..

If you really want to connect with ts people, then stop attacking us when we let you down...or say things from experience that you don't like.
it's an impossible thing to debate... I know what i did, and what it meant...when i say i learned how different i was from people that are crossdressing, this is from personal experience that i gained by transitioning..
why is there even a debate?
why do some people so badly want to tie their crossdressing experience into the transsexual experience?

If you want to know whether a feeling or experience you are having is similar to the ts experience, feel free to ask..
but your only option is to accept the answer or continue to ask questions......
you can't tell a person living through something that you know better than them...
When you are debating a point with me and part of your response is that "A TS woman I know told me...."....arent I not a TS woman??

[suchacutie]

Wow...this is quite a thread.

I'm one of the group that has a part of me in each gender, mentally. I was able to spend a significant amount of time as Tina last week and my insightful wife commented that she was glad that I had the opportunity to do that as she thought Tina really needed the time! Both parts of me need time to exist. I didn't make a concious decision to be born this way, it's just the way it is.

As a result, I am very thankful for all the input, ideas, and experiences that I read about on this forum. Since I've spent most of my life presenting in the masculine, I tend to focus on the commentary about existing in the world presenting as one's feminine self. As a result, I'm always interested in those of us who spend a lot of time, if not all of our time, in the wider world as our feminine selves. Logically, those who have transitioned to full time, or almost full time, always grab my attention. That is also the group that will likely have less and less interest in this forum, unless they love the idea of staying as the "teachers" mentioned in many of the responses to this thread. The evolution is totally understandable. Once you are living as a woman, the trans part must logically be left behind.

So, thank you all for what you've written and thank you all in advance for what you might be able to share with us. I know you have helped me, and I'm sure many others are just as thankful for your input and experiences.

May life be your bowl of cherries :)

tina

[thechic]

I would have to agree with you , it's a natural progression ,being just a natural woman doing normal woman stuff,and not going to just tg places,Ive started going that way but still,log on to the forum Evey so often.

[AKAMichelle]

When I wrote this post, I had no intention of causing some of the varied comments that occurred. It seems that every time we talk about this issue it brings out comments that cause a lot of hurt.

The reason that I wrote this post was because I am beginning to see myself more TS. I don't think I ever really fit the cd'er except that I didn't want to transition. I still don't think that that is for me, but I am definitely enjoying living my life as Michelle. The further I get into this I see the TG community as a tie to my past. While I don't see the point to leaving the group that I founded, I do see my role more as guiding the group in a certain direction only. I am moving deeper into the living of my life as a woman which causes it own issues. What am I thinking? If I want to live as a woman then why don't I want to transition. These are questions that as of yet I don't know the answers. I do see where it would be advantageous to completely move away form the TG community and live as a woman. I suppose TS women do the same thing for similar reasons. They want to live their life as a woman and have few people know about their past.

Katesbeck wrote something in the TS forum and it was immediately attacked and I felt sorry for her because I saw her point. Her point was based upon her perspective but few gave her credit for it. Then I wrote this posting and the same thing happened. I just don't get why we can't respect peoples wishes to pass the torch to another sister. Isn't that the biggest benefit of groups like this? Aren't we to show as many as we can the way forward and then get out of their way to become the new leaders of the community?

I would like to think that if I leave the TG community at some point that my wishes will be respected. I also hope that I made a positive impact on the community and helped several others to become the leaders of tomorrow. We can only do so much in our lives, but if we help 10 people to take our place then we provided 10 times the manpower to the community. When we help someone shouldn't our goal be to replace ourselves? Shouldn't we try to help others come out of the closet and leave all of the lying about themselves behind?

I am just trying to pass the torch of light to as many people while I am here. I don't know about you, but when I started to deal with my TG feelings I had no idea that it would lead me to running a meetup group here in Denver. Did you ever think that you would become a leader in the TG community? Who helped you become the leader that you are today? Are they still active or have they passed the torch to you? I think this is the process that we all go through over time.

[PretzelGirl]

Michelle, I think you will always see the varied responses here just because of the sheer quantity of members which means that even the low percentage opinions can be regularly seen in posts. There will be those that want to give back, even if for a short duration and those that don't want to.

The key to me is that each of us, no matter how we identify, have our own struggles and no one should be putting a burden of "you owe us" on anyone. If someone gives back to the community at large, then God bless them, but it shouldn't be expected. Sometimes it is all you can do to hold your own life together.

Good luck as you figure out exactly how you feel about your present and where you future will take you. These are never easy questions but your contributions in Denver will not likely ever be forgotten. I just can't see how there aren't people who say "I got out and it was through Michelle's group".