Two steps back.

[Lucy_Bella]

It seems to me that every step forward in dressing I can not take any back.. I remember a time when just under dressing was enough for me. Not anymore or the first time I slipped into some nylons , don't feel right with out them now... Why is that? Why am I not content with little or no dressing anymore? The more I emulate the more I evolve and won't even bother if its just part anymore ,it's all or nothing.

Seems everytime I advance in dressing ,like the first time I got a wig , won't dress now with out it .. Its just crazy looking back on just wearing something little and how it has grown ..I know most here do enjoy wearing anything Fem and thats fine I am just speaking for myself..I just don't bother anymore if I can't express everything I have become , maybe it's time for a break again..Maybe I just need to find some balance..

Who knows ? Thanks for reading..

[Andromeda]

It sounds to me that you are undergoing a fairly normal progression. I know from personal experience that while many of us start with lingerie most of us add other things to our dressing. In part this shows an increased comfort in what we are. In part it is that as we age we often acquire both the time and space to experiment.

[ReineD]

Why is that? Why am I not content with little or no dressing anymore? The more I emulate the more I evolve and won't even bother if its just part anymore ,it's all or nothing.

Maybe it has something to do with the brain chemical, dopamine, which is the "pleasure seeking" neurotransmitter.

Highly pleasurable or intense activities release dopamine, which then creates a reward circuit in the brain. This circuit registers the experience as "important" and creates lasting memories of it as a pleasurable experience. Dopamine then commands the brain to "do it again". This explains why intense experiences can be just as addictive as drugs.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-the-wild-things-are/201008/dopamine-why-its-so-hard-just-say-no

Or, you could be transsexual. But, from what I read in the TS section the satisfaction derived is in being the woman a TS knows she is internally and it is not so much about wearing the clothes.

Sorry for the clinical response. I'm just putting it out there for you to consider whether it fits or not.

[Lucy_Bella]

Reine,

No worries , after all I put it out there.... The first senero seems to fit better than the second, I say this only because I would think other than emulating a female , there would be more traits to it..Like talking or making my voice change, trying to grow breast or exposing myself openly.. I know that I will be corrected over this and thats fine , everyone is different . Its in my nature to be who I want to be and not really care what others think however that doesn't mean I need to express my private desires . In saying that would be like telling everyone how I have sex with my wife or how she does with me..( when we where together anyways) Some things in life are left better private. So if I was a TS , I would have to express that with no regrets.


Now the first one describes me a little better , I do indulge in addictive behaviour like smoking and drinking both bad habits and I know are not good for me..I've all but stopped the drinking and became a social drinker but the smoking lingers after many attempts to stop ,I just enjoy it to much. Anyways , you get my point I hope :) .. I really don't think I am in denial as I have thrown the thought around many times , am I a T.S. ? I enjoy being a male to much. I could never change that either I don't think a TS enjoys being the sex they where born as..

Thanks for throwing that out very good information..

[kimdl93]

Lucy, perhaps with each additional step you learn something more about yourself that, once revealed, you really don't want to give up. Instead of thinking about changes as an addictive behavior, you might think of it as a journey of self discovery.

I think most of us started with a few items. As young people, we associate those first discoveries with sex...at 15 or 19 or 27 almost anything can take on a sexual connotation. So, its reasonable to associate dressing with sexual gratification...a fetish. But, as we mature dressing and sex begin to diverge and the innate, underlying motivation to dress may begin to reveal itself to us, whether we strictly are CD or if we begin to see ourselves as TS.

[carhill2mn]

Your story sounds quite typical for most of us.

[Sandra]

How about at each level you are accepting yourself a little more, and this makes you want to progress.

[ReineD]

Instead of thinking about changes as an addictive behavior

Ooops, sorry folks, I guess I came off as suggesting the CDing is an addiction. Please know that I don't believe this.

[kimdl93]

Ooops, sorry folks, I guess I came off as suggesting the CDing is an addiction. Please know that I don't believe this.

I didn't take your comments that way, Reine. I was just trying to emphasize that there are a range of possible motivations - some relating to immediate gratification, while other motivations may be an intrinsic part of an individual's personality. And at some life stages, its hard to tell which is which.

[Kaz]

Hi Lucy,

Sounds like normal practice to me.. but then am I normal? - my partner suggests not. Shall we say "par for the course"...

The better I get at pulling off the "Kaz" look.. the more it become "de rigueur" and the ball park shifts..

Ironically, I have recently been in a few situation when I could have gone for full on Kaz mode but didn't... mind you I was well worked hard and stressed at the time and that did create a certain level of cgnitive dissonance!

The better I get at doing "Kaz", the more I want to experience her.

Tonight I have a window...

Planning to go out in a minute...

155217

[ReineD]

And at some life stages, its hard to tell which is which.

Exactly! :) I wish as a community we could all understand the entire TG spectrum better than we do, and what motivates people to express a different gender than birth. It certainly would be much, much easier if there wasn't such a large taboo associated with it.

There is some research, but it is hard to find and it is also controversial.

[kimdl93]

Gender is a pretty complex thing when you think about it, with genetic, hormonal, environmental and experiential components. I'm firmly convinced that developmental factors in genetics and the womb account for much of it, although the expression may be shaped by experience. Its a tough subject for research because gender presents such a broad spectrum,its not easily identified in early life, changes or evolves over time and we learn to hide so well.

[Lucy_Bella]

Thank you all

Sandra,

Thats the whole issue right now ..I advance yet I am still not accepting, so youmay ask , why do I do it then? The honest answer is just a constant nagging urge ,the voice in my head that says "lets do it" ..So with out tooting my own horn and contridicting myself I do enjoy being Lucy and the experiance is paying off at pulling her off .


With that said , its not a full time feeling as I have no desire to be 24/7 ..So reading between the lines are you suggesting that as I advance in emulating the feeling of staying Lucy will get stronger? I hope not I do not want it to grow any at all....:thumbsdn:

I have another chance to go out as Lucy and I RSVP for this event. Its at a very private home on a large lot in an urban area ..Very Private setting set up by the meet group I joined, planned just for shy people such as myself...I am not going to go even after I RSVP .. I just lost the desire to be open about myself even around others like me.. BTW this event is the largest one the Meet Group has done yet by far.. May be other chances if I ever do decide to get out..

[ReineD]

You should go, Lucy. Why don't you want to go?

[Lucy_Bella]

You should go, Lucy. Why don't you want to go?

Reine,

Like most CDers I do have the urges to go out, I'm just not a very social person . I do not know these people ( I know the only way I will is to go ) for one and I just see it as a un needed risk.. Anything can happen specially when you don't know people.. I might have gone if the party was of a smaller group , but this one grew.. Maybe doing myself a favor by not going cause if I like it, well , I may want to do it more often ..

I have backed out of a couple other meets , surprised they haven't kicked me out, yet.. They are a supportive group and very friendly, I really started backing out last week when emails from the group were suggesting to bring extra clothes for a fashion show.. I'm just not that girly to sit around, acting like I am enjoying fashion shows and talking make-up.. Sorry.. Just can't do it..

[ReineD]

OK, on a different tack, how are you with socializing in male mode? If it was not a CDing get together, would you want to go? Just curious.

[Lucy_Bella]

OK, on a different tack, how are you with socializing in male mode? If it was not a CDing get together, would you want to go? Just curious.

I am a hermit for the most part, after many years of marriage social life was with family. Since seperation and when I do go out , I am very secure ,confident and entertaining.. Sometimes too much, but then I distant myself after I get my fill of people.. I am just naturally a loaner ...

[ReineD]

Then maybe you should sit this one out, and maybe wait until someone has a smaller gathering. :)

[Sandra]

With that said , its not a full time feeling as I have no desire to be 24/7 ..So reading between the lines are you suggesting that as I advance in emulating the feeling of staying Lucy will get stronger? I hope not I do not want it to grow any at all....:thumbsdn:



It could well do Lucy, that doesn't mean that at some stage you will say yes I want to be 24/7, it could just be that you will stay as Lucy for longer periods.

[Lucy_Bella]

Renie,
Some people are just different when it comes to the Gender spectrume and I know that you are already aware of that, so I am telling you nothing new.. We do all have simular traits some are not as strong as others and up bringing along with other factors, variate amoung the ranks . I have choose to less accepting of this but that is in no way mean that I do not give in to it. I do not think there is a single stimulant ,drug or addiction stronger than gender issues or a need to express them, after all it is a natural expression..

Sandra ,
Thank you for that advice , I succpected that every step toward emulating Lucy would also mean stronger and longer urges to be complete in doing so. I am thankful or it still could be my age , that my male self is strong enough to say enough and re gain balance .. Who is to say 10 years down the road as I age and my male hormones are much weaker from what I have read age is a factor to alot of this when it comes to dressing more often ( for some folks )..

Thanks ladies

[ReineD]

You know, Lucy ... I get the impression that the battle in your head is to decide on whether to be either/or male/female. Have you ever considered that you can be alternatively both and that sometimes it can overlap, and to just give yourself complete freedom of expression as the moods change? This is what my SO does. I honestly think she's very comfortable in both modes and she trusts that it is OK to feel this way.

[Lucy_Bella]

Oh yes , many times ... It is a battle the stronger one wins one at the time ..Like I have always said, my male thinking does out weigh the female thinking by a small margine I am not half and half .I attribute this to my up bringing.. My step father was very forceful in making a man out of me .. It keeps me closeted and thinking with a clear mind that suits my life stlye for now.... He didn't mean any harm and thought he was doing his job, it was how the world was back then , he thought it was for my own good and looking back it was.. Does that make any sense?

I would also like to add this while I am at it.. I have lived with this my whole life ,it's nothing that just popped up and I started to do. Some of my first memories were of be being told to take my sisters clothing off.. I have natural feminine traits that I always do un knowingly , How I stood or walked sometimes or play with the curls in my hair to name a few..Habits my step father tried to break except they wern't habits.. Growing up I knew I was different but I was forced to be normal ( who really is? ).. My parents always knew but nothing was ever said or talked about just got that look sometimes aww haa.. Back then, as you know it was mis understood and I was thought of as a sissy . It shouldn't be uncommon for folks like me to be in the closet because of that.. I have lived my life as a lie for the most part , but not the kind of lie it would be considered as today.. It was a forced lifestyle , one I continue to live today without any thought of changing because it works for me..

Now saying that does not mean I hide this from anyone I allow close to me ,this is something you just can't hide in a relationship .I am aware of that clearly knowing the out come.. So not being myself to those who I choose to keep my true lifestyle from is not being selfish ( I know you don't think that way) I would consider myself to express my true lifestyle as being selfish because of my up bringing.. I knew all along I was TG but all along I never understood or had a chance to understand it ..I am just now getting to partly understand that it is natural ,it happens I am not alone and it's not as bad as society makes it out to be but most of all I can not help it because I can not change who I am..

[Denise Somers]

Lucy-Bella,
Am fascinated by your posts and, noticing how many you have in one day, have concluded how important this issue is to you. Well, we're talking about your very identity so it' heartfelt indeed. Why, do you ask, when only occasional underdressing was sufficient do you now feel incomplete if you don't wear something feminine every day?? Because you want to evolve like all humans and you ask yourself; "is this all that I am?" It is a natural human yearning. I am just past 50 and have known since 1970 that I had a feminine side inside me wanting to get out. It didn't dominate my life but the desire only grew over time. In1978 I bought my first pair of heels and now I have 50 pairs from 4-8.5". I bought my first dress in 2004 and now I have a dozen. I wear a woman's watch and panties everyday along with knee highs. I have started wearing high heels with my bootcut jeans while shopping for heels (while still looking as a male) and love it. I realize I would miss alot if I became a woman and do not want to but I love expressing whatever feminine part I have on any given day. I have wanted to evolve and progress as you do. You must follow the path to where it leads for the desire to find your identity will burn only brighter the longer you travel life's highway.

Denise S.

[Lucy_Bella]

Why, do you ask, when only occasional underdressing was sufficient do you now feel incomplete if you don't wear something feminine every day??

Denise,
Thanks for the reply, I guess what I am saying is at one time just to under dress was enough for me ,but now I won't even bother .. Its just no longer a thrill as it once was to just under dress, I am guessing I have evolved , if I am going to do it I am going dress all the way or not at all.. I just find it odd looking back that at one time under dressing was enough...My thinking ( just mine ) I have over done it , abused it if you will..I need to reset my own boundries and adjust to my current lifestyle a little more disaplen is needed .. I have had that my whole life from my parents to my soon to be ex wife..But now that I have been single for the past three years, I have had a full run at it , I am not upset over it in any way and please no one get me wrong I do not feel above anyone to not want to dress or as much .. I just have to stop evolving , I have created a monster !!