Aprilrain
04-07-2011, 04:35 PM
Hi everyone since this is a transsexual forum I thought I'd share about my transition so far. I would consider it to have started in September, that is when do to marriage meltdown, I moved out of the house and in with a friend. That is not a euphemism BTW he really is just a friend. Anyway I made no conscientious decision to come out and start doing something about my life long gender issues it just happened. I started "crossdressing" everyday usually in private but also started going out to stores. In the past crossdressing had always been a vicious cycle of bingeing and purging so just accepting that this was something I needed or wanted to do and that there was nothing wrong with that was a huge step. Another big step for me was releasing all the shame and guilt associated with my sexuality. Really it was nothing I did I just thought F@#$ it I like what I like and nothing is going to change that. All of this was possible because of work I was doing with a marriage counselor. She did very little to help with the marriage but working out my feelings in real time with the unstoppable urge to go out in the world as a female was key. It didn't take me long to suspect that I wasn't going to be happy just CDing thus began the hard part, accepting that transition and all of the potential ramifications of that was inevitable This is something I still battle with. There are days when I don't want to deal with the hardships of being transsexual. Other important steps for me were going to a support group, getting a therapist versed in gender issues learning about clothes and makeup, and telling people about me. This last one is huge, I went from being a totally closeted shame filled CDer to completely out and about with in the span of several months. The two important exceptions have been my kids and my parents. My kids know but my wife and I decided that transition should be "organic" for them so when it is difficult for me to "pass" as a male then I will start overtly living as a female around them. My parents will know soon probably next week? Haven't decided what day yet but I'm ready to tell them, besides with as out as I am it's only a matter of time before they find out anyway better that I just tell them myself.
Physically speaking I started growing my hair out right away so its longish but not long enough for my liking. My wife wishes I would just use my real hair instead of a wig but I'm not comfortable with that yet. I lost about 20 pounds (about 9 kilos) without trying and my weight seems to be holding steady at 150 LBS (68 kilos). This is probably optimum for my height, 6 feet. I started electrolysis a couple months ago but GOD is it painfully slow! If there is one male feature of mine that I hate above all others It is beard shadow. If I had to choose between beard shadow and a penis I'd take the penis and deal with it. I started hormones about two months ago and don't ever want to go back. Originally I thought I'd just try them to see if I would like the changes or not. Now I realize just how highjacked my body has been for 30+ years. Oddly enough the only thing I can really point to as being different are my sore, sore, sore nipples and about a tenfold reduction in libido also though my arm muscles look the same, I swear I get tired holding heavy objects faster, maybe that is just in my head. Its more than that though its just hard to explain. I don't really feel any different but yet I do. For instance My wife and I got into an argument and instead of steam coming out of my ears because of rage I was just upset and I explained to her why I was upset and how it had nothing to do with her but it was frustrating that she was taking it personally because I couldn't control being depressed. Is this different from how I use to feel? No not really but not instantaneously going into flight or fight mode was revolutionary for me. Though Im not full on weeping during movies I'm getting there. LOL. How much these psychological and emotional changes are hormonally driven and how much they are just the result of no longer living in sickness is hard to say. I choose after months of study, and also waiting for a referral letter from my therapist, to start hormones on my own. I did not want to wait another three months to get in to see a doctor before starting. I did go and have my blood work done and have a basic physical and was the picture of health. I have a doctors appointment May 2 and the Endo that my therapist originally sent my letter to finally called me today to set up an appointment. I haven't called them back yet to find out when they could get me in but Im sure its pretty far out as he is THE Endo in my area for trans people.
Depression is still an issue for me but I'm beginning to think I just suffer from depression and its got nothing to do with being trans. The good news is that my depressive episodes seem to be lessening in intensity if not frequency.
All in all so far so good, I've lost nothing important to me and gained so much but like most cathartic experiences in life one really needs to be at a point were one is willing to lose everything before gaining anything.
I hope my experiences can help someone else who feels stuck or who is torn between the urge to be ones self and a sense of duty to family.
Physically speaking I started growing my hair out right away so its longish but not long enough for my liking. My wife wishes I would just use my real hair instead of a wig but I'm not comfortable with that yet. I lost about 20 pounds (about 9 kilos) without trying and my weight seems to be holding steady at 150 LBS (68 kilos). This is probably optimum for my height, 6 feet. I started electrolysis a couple months ago but GOD is it painfully slow! If there is one male feature of mine that I hate above all others It is beard shadow. If I had to choose between beard shadow and a penis I'd take the penis and deal with it. I started hormones about two months ago and don't ever want to go back. Originally I thought I'd just try them to see if I would like the changes or not. Now I realize just how highjacked my body has been for 30+ years. Oddly enough the only thing I can really point to as being different are my sore, sore, sore nipples and about a tenfold reduction in libido also though my arm muscles look the same, I swear I get tired holding heavy objects faster, maybe that is just in my head. Its more than that though its just hard to explain. I don't really feel any different but yet I do. For instance My wife and I got into an argument and instead of steam coming out of my ears because of rage I was just upset and I explained to her why I was upset and how it had nothing to do with her but it was frustrating that she was taking it personally because I couldn't control being depressed. Is this different from how I use to feel? No not really but not instantaneously going into flight or fight mode was revolutionary for me. Though Im not full on weeping during movies I'm getting there. LOL. How much these psychological and emotional changes are hormonally driven and how much they are just the result of no longer living in sickness is hard to say. I choose after months of study, and also waiting for a referral letter from my therapist, to start hormones on my own. I did not want to wait another three months to get in to see a doctor before starting. I did go and have my blood work done and have a basic physical and was the picture of health. I have a doctors appointment May 2 and the Endo that my therapist originally sent my letter to finally called me today to set up an appointment. I haven't called them back yet to find out when they could get me in but Im sure its pretty far out as he is THE Endo in my area for trans people.
Depression is still an issue for me but I'm beginning to think I just suffer from depression and its got nothing to do with being trans. The good news is that my depressive episodes seem to be lessening in intensity if not frequency.
All in all so far so good, I've lost nothing important to me and gained so much but like most cathartic experiences in life one really needs to be at a point were one is willing to lose everything before gaining anything.
I hope my experiences can help someone else who feels stuck or who is torn between the urge to be ones self and a sense of duty to family.