Five years gone, for lack of a better title... just saying hi, and I'm still alive

[Michelle Ellis]

It's hard to believe it's been almost five years since I first stopped by. Sorry if I've been (too) private of late. My life has been so surreal... sometimes I can barely tell if it's a dream or reality, perhaps it's all one and the same.

Hi everyone, sorry if I've left any of you (my friends) hanging, I know it's terrible of me to do something like that. I think I was needing the time to myself as I tried to figure me out.

Short story, I came near to suicide over my transsexuality about two years back now, what all started as fun and personal acceptance soon turned to more serious (very serious) life stuff. Came here and vented like a crazy thing several times. Wound up with some friends, some really good friends and one friend for life, bless her soul, I love her.... I'd probly be six feet under now without her.

After the turmoil I came out to my sister, then my doctor... then I started seeing a shrink (the best man I know), told my folks about me, found an endocrinologist and started taking hormones. Now it's eight months later.

Eight months! And five years.... and over 30 before all that. Where has is all gone and where is it heading now? I know these questions make no sense. But they're questions that I just can't put to rest. Feels like they might be rolling around my head forever.

Well, I'm thinking I feel good... certainly I am 'better'. Don't think I have any more public ranting and raving to perform at any rate :)

I feel as lonely as a sparrow in the rain tho. I hope to meet some more new friends and reconnect with old ones. I'd like that a lot :) If you're close to me, I'm in Oregon by the way... so in that case you've GOT to say hi :) k? :p

M

[CharleneT]

Welcome back ;)

Unfortunately, I live very far from Oregon, although it is definitely one of my favorite places in the country !!!

[Teri Jean]

Like Charlene, I live a ways away but glad to hear from you. Michelle there are times where our lives and experiences really suck but I am happy you took this path. I have been here two years so I have no history and in our books we are new and fresh to each other. Now is the time to build friendships again and count me in. Wish you the best and hope to hear from you often.

Hugs Teri

[robyn1114]

Welcome back Michelle, I'm glad you were able to put the worst behind you and move forward.

[Aprilrain]

I use to live in Oregon does that count? welcome back! This life can be a real roller coaster ride can't it?

[Alicia Ryanne]

Life as we know it.....hmmmm......nice saying....but often we find that life is something different for us entirely. Glad your finding happiness.

[Michelle Ellis]

where in Oregon April? I live in Coos Bay, on the southern coast... Oregon is definitely beautiful, not sure I'd want to live anywhere else, I feel attached to this place. The people.... not so much, terribly redneck here. People walk around like zombies, blank looks and expressionless faces avoiding eye contact. Indifference is the norm.

Funny but true, was just a few weeks ago I saw a truck drive by with one of those god awful nutsacks on the rear hitch and a friggin cow bell on the grill! LOL Clang-clangety-clang he drove by... I laughed and laughed. Couldn't wait to tell someone! hard to keep that kind of thing to yourself. What really made me think (maybe even worry?) is I'm sure he thought he was pretty darn cool :)

Most people still see me as a guy, I dress rather androgynously... is a bit too small and a bit too rough to want to... um, like my doc says, advertise. When I see my endo doc in Portland I let it go a bit more, I rather like doing that. Just don't get out and about as much as I'd like.

Anyhows, thanks for saying hi. After being gone for so long this feels quite strange... but I'm certainly not making friends keeping to myself.

[Jorja]

Hi Michelle,
I too live quite a ways away from Oregon. Coos Bay you say, I had some family that used to live there. Lovely area. I think they are up near Portland now.

So you know the drill here. Just be your sweet self and let it all happen from there. Glad to see you back!

[Jessinthesprings]

Funny but true, was just a few weeks ago I saw a truck drive by with one of those god awful nutsacks on the rear hitch and a friggin cow bell on the grill! LOL Clang-clangety-clang he drove by... I laughed and laughed. Couldn't wait to tell someone! hard to keep that kind of thing to yourself. What really made me think (maybe even worry?) is I'm sure he thought he was pretty darn cool :)

Are you sure you weren't in Arkansas when you saw that? I swear I've seen that here! lol Welcome back!

[Michelle Ellis]

I'm sorry Jess... I was really hoping the craziness was confined to Oregon... you have that there too, huh? (sigh) I can almost handle the cowbells, but the other is just plain horrible.

[Aprilrain]

I lived near Cave Junction. Oregon is the most beautiful place I never want to go back to. I'm sure had I not been on massive amounts of drugs and Alcohol I would not have stayed as long as I did. I hope Coos Bay is not as economically depressed and Meth ridden as southern Oregon was. I wish I could say I had fond memories of Oregon but I was living very badly in a place where pretty much everybody was living badly. I learned a lot about myself there though.

[Carole Cross]

Hi Michelle, welcome back. Glad to hear that you are OK and moving forward with your life. :hugs: