Reality Vs. Fiction

[SarahMarie42]

I've realized that I do look like a man, that I will always look like man, and that my looking like a man is something I will have to come to terms with. If I never get to go out in my entire life, so be it, I just won't. If I decide that expressing my feminine side isn't worth it in the context of my horrible mannish appearance, so be it, I just won't do it, and I'll find some other way. I know that people try to encourage me on here, but I'm fairly certain that I do look like a man. I envy those of you who don't, and that's about all.

Any advice on how to come to terms with this heartbreaking reality?

[Maddie22]

Judging by the picture, I wouldn't say you look like a man. If it helps, I think I do a pretty good job with everything however I won't ever really pass, or blend in no matter how great my appearance and voice may get. I'm 6'6'' with men's size 14 shoe. I still go out though and enjoy being who I want to be!

[christinac]

Sarah, I not sure how to really say this where it will make sense nor am I sure of the word that I'm looking for, but from reading some of your recent posts, your idealism of what is manly and womenly is not even on the scale much less in balance. It is a very common mistake that all of us have or will make in one form or another. All men and women come in different sizes and shapes. I have been all around the world to more than thirty different countries and the reality is the same, there are noncrossdessing females that look like men and there are noncrossdressing males who look like women.
Concentrate on your mannerisms and expression of femininity for now and forget about looks for now because once you get the mannerisms and femininity in line the looks will fall into place. Otherwise your preception is going to off the scale.

[Julogden]

Sarah, maybe you'll pass, maybe you won't. You'll probably be tolerated, which is the most that many of us here can hope for, including me. And that's OK, you can still be who you want to be.

If there's a particular problem with your appearance that you're concerned about, there's probably some way to minimize it with either makeup or hair style. To be honest, looking at your avatar, your face looks very nice to me, and I'm not seeing what you're concerned about.

Don't give up! Take a look at the threads where others are going out into the public and believe that you can do it too.

Carol :hugs:

[Joann Smith]

i am gonna second that .....there are alot of gg that wished they could pull themselves as well you in your picture
.....

[SarahMarie42]

I have a specific angle that worries me very much. I'm mobile, so I can't upload it now, I will later.

Got rid of the attachment. Why fret over my only bad picture? o.O

[Jorja]

One man's fiction is another woman's reality. Or something like that. One day you will see that it just doesn't matter if you "pass" or not. If you enjoy dressing as a woman, then fine, dress as you like. You see, it is not what is on the outside of a person that counts. It is what is inside and how you share that with others.

[SarahMarie42]

That's always easy to say, but if that's the case...why even dress? Why not just act extremely feminine as a male? :|

It's also the only possible answer one COULD give after seeing me from that angle. xD

I could always pretend to be a female bodybuilder.

[Bethany38]

Sara I think you are to hard on yourself. I think you a cute young lady. The only thing I see in the picture thats off is, there is no smile. I think you have a very nice look, is that your natural hair? If so you'll have great hair once it grows out.

[SherriePall]

I have to go along with the others. I don't see the obvious male in your pics. I think most of us have a picture angle we don't care for even en drab. Actually, if you had smiled in that pic, you would have looked very nice. I had a department store cosmetics SA tell me once that there were many women around with more mannish features than I. And, from your pics, I know that to be true for you also.

[SarahMarie42]

I don't think my OCD (in relation to my body obsessions) helps either. I mean, I've got the whole hypervigilance thing going, and I see like...a lantern jaw and a chin that protrudes four inches from my face, which is pretty hilarious because I used to complain about having a weak jaw before I took cross dressing seriously x]

[Kate Simmons]

There are two types of people my friend. Those who believe in themselves and those who don't. Usually what one believes will eventually come to pass.:)

[Dealight]

Hi Sarah....if it is any comfort, I have had those same thoughts many times, and probably will again! The truth though, is...that I love to dress. So........I'm just going to keep on doing it! And I hope you do too.....keep smiling......
Oh and BTW, I agree with the others....you look great!

PS.....does anyone know why my profile picture won't appear?

[SarahMarie42]

Thanks, I just wish I could see myself in the way you all see me haha. :|

[Julogden]

I have a specific angle that worries me very much. I'm mobile, so I can't upload it now, I will later.

Aaaand...this would be it. I may have posted it somewhere else, don't really remember.

It bothers me, though my (very supportive) mother said that even she would look a little mannish from such an angle.

Everyone's got at least one bad angle, and some of us only have one good angle, all the rest are bad, so count yourself among the fortunate if that's your only bad angle, Sarah. ;)


That's always easy to say, but if that's the case...why even dress? Why not just act extremely feminine as a male? :|

It's also the only possible answer one COULD give after seeing me from that angle. xD

I could always pretend to be a female bodybuilder.
Hon, you got some work to do on your self-acceptance. Listen to your mother!

It's taken me a LONG time to finally get that what's important is that we enjoy doing what we're doing. Passing isn't necessary. Don't compare yourself to others, just be the best Sarah that you can possibly be and be happy with that. I'm 6'5" tall, and that's been a massive burden to me all my adult life. I'd love to be 5'6" like a few lucky CD's are, but I'm wasting my time if I think I can be 5'6" (and no, legs-ectomy isn't an option) and I used to occasionally go to places where I rubbed elbows with the muggles, and everything was fine, I had fun. Did I fool anyone? Nope, but everyone was OK with who I am. I even got the occasional compliment, and a surprising number of free drinks. :-)

We dress because it fulfills us for one reason or another. Acting feminine while dressed as a male has nothing to do with it, and I don't see your point. If you're saying that it's pointless to dress if one can't pass 100% as a female, as in everyone around you thinks that you're a genetic female, then I disagree heartily. It's all about being yourself and being happy with that. Most CD's who go out in public are not passing 100%, very few are totally passable, but they are tolerated.

I hate to see someone torture themself the way you are, but you're the only one who has control over that. Give yourself a break, Sarah! :hugs:

Carol

[SarahMarie42]

The real problem is uncertainty. I don't see the obvious male in 19/20 poses and pictures, and I don't really even see the obvious male when I see myself from the bad angle most of the time. I exaggerate my flaws. I completely misperceive myself.


I need to get rid of that picture...I've looked at it 80 times in the last hour.

And it's just THAT angle, THAT altitude, and THAT facial expression. It's not even the angle itself. Wow, I need to stop being ridiculous.

[lori m crawford]

hi look arond women or girls dont look like women or girls no more like 20yrs ago so as what i see from your picture so what look men the dont eather

[SarahMarie42]

I think that I probably look like a somewhat androgynous female for the most part.

[Debb]

Sarah, I have this problem too. For some reason, photographs of myself tend to really show the side of me that I'm trying to hide. Much of the time, it makes me very sad.

It's trite to say, but I really make an effort to ignore it. I enjoy feeling like a girl so much that it pays to try to ignore the "reality" creeping in.

Not saying I'm successful .. far from it. For me, it's an image problem ... something I'll deal with someday, I hope.

[SarahMarie42]

Here! Now I look like a man! Oh woe is me! How will I ever pass with this crudely drawn and obviously digitally rendered mustache (pronounced MOO-STASH, as in a reserve of cows :])

[Janine cd]

Sarah, I'm a 72 year old crossdresser who has never thought of myself as looking very feminine, but I have been able to dress up with some confidence that I could look in the mirror and imagine a woman looking back. It has been a real stretch of the imagination at times, but I have never given up.
Sarah Dear, just take it a day at a time and believe that you are the most feminine person on earth. Believe in yourself and the rest will take care of itself.

Hugs, Janine cd.

[SarahMarie42]

I think I look alright aside from my egregious digital mustache :]

I should add some dialogue

Officer Brady: CHIEF! WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

Chief Small: "Relax Officer Brady! It's just my pink chiffon! Haven't you ever seen a man in a pink chiffon before?

[Leslie Langford]

O.K. - Here's my take on "passing", and how totally illogical it is for most of us to obsess and fret about it - even to the point of being paranoid over going out in public for fear of revealing our true selves and somehow being read and/or outed in the process:

Let's agree for a moment that someone who has a "mannish" face or a "mannish" build (or both) but is dressed in women's clothing might come across as a "man in a dress", and that this attracts attention because it is "different" or "unnatural". But does that necessarily make for an unattractive picture, or just a "different" one?

Let's put this into perspective - how many black women do we see out there who sport red or blonde hair (singer Rhianna, for example)? And yet, how many black women are there who are natural redheads or blondes? I would venture to guess virtually zero. Similarly, it is very trendy for Asian women these days to dye their hair all shades of brown or auburn or the like, yet again, their natural hair color is universally black.

So when we see a black woman with blonde hair or an Asian woman with auburn hair, it may momentarily attract our attention because it is an unexpected and unusual combination. Still, it is often a quite pleasing one, once that particular image has sunk in and we have been able to wrap our heads around it.

So by that same logic, why is it such a leap of faith to believe that a "mannish" looking crossdresser who is otherwise stylish and well dressed and has taken great pains to perfect his feminine image will be treated with any less dignity or respect than a blonde-haired black woman or an auburn-haired Asian woman who has decided to flaunt convention in a similar manner in the way she wishes to express herself? If these GG's have such a level of self-confidence and the innate courage to take a road less travelled in this way, what excuse does a male crossdresser have not to "own" his particular feminine look in a similar fashion?

Or to put it another way - there are gorgeous Caucasian women, just as there are gorgeous black women and gorgeous Asian women, but they are gorgeous in different ways because they come from different races and therefore boast unique features that are characteristic of each one. As a result, there is no universal "gold standard" for beauty as it is a relative concept, and comparing apples to oranges within this context would be unrealistic. By that logic, I would submit that we crossdressers should focus more on how well we blend in and how we rate appearance-wise in other peoples' eyes as admitted crossdressers, rather than trying to compete head-to-head in that department with real GG's. In most cases, that, by definition, would be an exercise in futility anyways.

[sissystephanie]

In your avatar you look a lot more like a real woman than a lot of CD's! The only way I could ever pass was after my dear late wife fixed my wig and did my makeup! She was an expert and could really make me look feminine. Now that she has passed on, I just dress enfemme and go out looking like man wearing a skirt and other feminine garments! Been doing it for over 6 years and have not had one bad comment! I have had lots of compliments on my outfits, from both men and women! Most people really don't care what you are wearing as long as you are decently covered!

[Julogden]

Here! Now I look like a man! Oh woe is me! How will I ever pass with this crudely drawn and obviously digitally rendered mustache (pronounced MOO-STASH, as in a reserve of cows :])

Yeah, a mustache does add a definite masculine hint to your appearance. ;)

Sarah, ignoring the mustache, you have a very pretty face. I think you ought to experiment more with hair styles/colors. Check out the Taaz (http://www.taaz.com/) site where you can try on lots of different hair styles virtually, you might find something that works even better than your current style and color.

Have you ever had a makeover by a professional? Might be a real eye-opening experience. I think you have potential to be amazing-looking instead of merely pretty.

Carol

[Tracii G]

Lighten up Francis.................Don't take yourself too seriously.
99% of my pics look bad to me but not to others.

[Pythos]

Sarah, How about putting on your best outfit, makeup and all, and do a full shot of yourself, not just a head shot. Head shots at times can really give us the wrong impression. I am starting to notice I am actually losing my natural curves, which is making me none too happy. In short, I think I am losing my rear. I think I am acquiring the dreaded man butt. LOL.

I hope I am not, but I think I may be. Does this mean I am going to stop wearing fun outfits. NOPE. I will continue to work on my overall look, and try not to use padding and stuff. Today I saw two GGs that really and truly looked like ugly men. It was quite startling and I felt bad for the thoughts that went through my mind, but there was no denying what I saw.

LOL, might as well ask. Anyone have ideas to build up one's behind if indeed I am losing it?

[Vickie_CDTV]

Objectively speaking, you do not have a harsh chin or jawline, it is quite rounded for a genetic male. The only obvious thing I can see is that your eyebrows are a bit full and you may want to thin/shape them a bit (just constructive criticism, not in any way meant to be mean.)

[SarahMarie42]

Haha, I DO have a harsh chin/jawline. You just couldn't see it.

I look like a ****ing Greek hero, not a woman.

And Pythos, I have no idea what do about building the butt xD. I've never been thin enough to have that problem.

I just give up, I'm not right for this. I'm nothing more than a boy with long hair in my photos, and I assume you all agree with me after seeing this picture.

[Julogden]

Sarah, destroy that photo, delete it from the forums. You're obsessing over one bad photo. You look great, dear! I wish I was as young and pretty as you. It would be ridiculous for you to try quitting dressing just because you took a bad photo of yourself. It's a bad photo, not you.

Try being 6'5" tall and pushing 60 years old if you want to feel frustrated. :)

Carol

[KINGFISHER]

Here! Now I look like a man! Oh woe is me! How will I ever pass with this crudely drawn and obviously digitally rendered mustache (pronounced MOO-STASH, as in a reserve of cows :])

This looks like a pretty girl drawing a silly moustache on her picture. Stop worrying so obsessively and set a goal to go out and you will be amazed at what doesn't happen and curse yourself for not having done it before. i wish I could take you out tomorrow but it's a long way to come!. Lol Daniel

[Pythos]

Okay, I am posting a photo of me that looks sooooo much like a male in a wig and wild makeup. This is soley due to the lighting and angle

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4044/4639239149_e1142ef77e.jpg

In this pic this is what I see. I see my male face in white makeup, with eyebrows that are too thick, and the face is infested with age lines. Look at my face for crying out loud, the skin is anything but smooth, there are wrinkles on my neck. The thing that helps this pic is the wig. That may be a key Sarah, your hair style. Try a longer style. My chin is upturned, and has a slight cleft, something most women do not have. There is a defined line just above my chin that is only getting deeper (most aggravating). Those lines next to my lips I am told are laugh lines, most likely from my propensity of laughing easily, or at least I used to.

What have I been told by others when it comes to this pic? It is very good looking, it is not perfect which it that much better. One person (a GG here) said I look quite attractive.

My point is, we are our own worst critics. I see this pic and see what I see, and yet for the most part it is well received by others. Sarah, if you think you should give up, there is no changing that. But if you are giving up because you feel your pics look bad (mostly due to one pic), just try other ideas. Lets see a full shot of you in your "best" outfit. I'll bet you can do it.

[SarahMarie42]

I'm with you, Pythos. No one thinks that photo I posted is really all that bad :|, but I do. Haha. I figure I should just take the plunge and go out, then I'll know for sure whether or not I can do it, right?

My friend Courtney told me that I'm focusing too much on nearly imperceptible minutiae and advised that I redirect my attention toward my face as a whole so that I may see those things in context, I think she's absolutely right.

I personally think I just need to thin my eyebrows, or use the modeling wax stuff, whichever.

And I don't think that picture is that bad, Pythos. I just see a girl with the whole gothic style caught in some bad lighting from an angle that is less flattering than usual.

[Lynn Marie]

Here's the funny thing about all this, most women I've seen and met have facial features that are not all that feminine either! And as often as not, they have worse figures than we do! The challenge of the hobby, and life in general, is a continual improvement towards perfection rather than actually achieving Nirvana itself.

Lighten up, find another CD in your area, use your makeup and hair and attire to it's best advantage and go visit an accepting gay club together. You'll be simply amazed at how you will be accepted, might even garner a few compliments, and for the most part hardly anyone will notice you at all.

[charlie]

Hey Sarah!
If you look like your picture then you can go out. You may look like a man to you, but you will do OK in the real world. Just try it!

[DanyaKay]

IMO I agree with the responses posted. I think you look great; way better than I would. I think maybe you just need a little more confidence sister. See, I have a hang up also.. I ain't gonna part with the 'stache. So I do my dressing in the office or at the house. I'm fine with that for now. In my retired life I will certainly consider going the rest of the way.

[docrobbysherry]

Sarah, the problem is NOT with how u LOOK, but how u FEEL!
Exactly why I have no desire to go out dressed alone!

However, check out the pics of the other girls posted on the "Special Events" section here. After a few days hanging around wide shouldered, strong featured "girls" at the DLV in Vegas, even I got up the courage to walk around dressed by myself. Even reveling in the ability to do it at the end!

Does that mean I'm headed out to our local mall dressed? NOT on your life! But, I guarantee u, hang around with other brave, experienced "girls" like I just did and your self perspective WILL CHANGE!

[jazz]

Please don't knock yourself. You look very feminine in your photo, especially when you smile. Confidence in your femininity will ultimately shine through in the long run. Please don't lose heart. You will win in the end. If its possible try to meet other CDs.