panties

[deebra]

Something as simple and small and discrete as wearing panties, does anyone here think it's fair for a wife to say NO? They are not visible to anyone, shouldn't a person have the right to wear the underwear of their choice. Are wives that say NO going to far like being a "control freak". After all some total stranger designed them and said women should wear these and men wear boxers. What about a persons personal rights. I've posted before about being pussywhipped, spineless, submissive and got a lot of flack from some members. O.K., here we go, what do you say?

[sissystephanie]

It boils down to a very simple question! Which is more important to you, your crossdressing or your love for your wife? If your crossdressing is more important than go ahead and wear panties! Your marriage probably won't last long, but you will be happy!

On the other hand, if you really love your wife more than your crossdressing, forget about wearing panties and show her you are the MAN she married! She will love you even more.

My late wife and I had almost 50 years together before cancer took her, and she knew that I was a CD before we married. As long as I did not dress openly in front of our children she did not care what I wore!! I do wear panties most of the time, because I find them much more comfortable than male underwear! But if she had said no, I would not have worn them! My wife always came first, and so should yours!

[Charise52]

Panties always feel good... and my girlfriend and I traded them off... I could never imagine going back...

[Sherry Lynn]

Just make sure the crotch is wide enough to accommodate your package. I hate "hanging out."

[Kaz]

I guess a big dread of some less accepting SOs is that you have an accident and get outed at a hospital. My mother was a stickler for wearing clean underwear "just in case"! Not for CDing, but for personal appearances!

That being said... I have worn thongs, high risers... hell I've tried the lot.. for years under my day to cday lothes.. at work and at home...

A few things though... I have never asked her permission and I wash my own (discretely so this is not "in her face" so to speak)... and I make sure there are a reasonable number of male pants (or whatever Americans call them (I am UK)) in the wash basket... when they get scarce I start to get the look! For this reason I started going commando a lot and found that I like this too!

Sherry Lynn is right though... the "hanging out" scenario is interesting... especialaly when ddoing the grocery shop!

[Jilmac]

Even though my wife knew I dressed, she never approved but to compramise my desire to wear panties, she bought me nylon mens bikini briefs. I still wore my panties whenever the opportunity arose but the nylon briefs turned out to be a reasonable substitute.

[ziggie]

In response to the original question, no it's not fair. Frequently however, things are not fair which brings back the issue of priorities. If your wife is really adamant and you want to preserve the relationship you will want skivvies with a fly.

[sissystephanie]

I am glad at least one member agrees with me on priorities! Which is more important, crossdressing or the wife?

[Taylor186]

Seems to me the reasonable approach is to discuss this before you are married. If you don't like her answer then don't marry her. Surprising her afterwards and then not liking her answer, well, that is something you need to accommodate for.

[Pythos]

Which is more important, Crossdressing or the wife? OH my god?

How about asking the so, which is more important, the relationship, or what others think of the relationship!!!!

The only way this could affect the SO in any way is if their love got into a situation where their underwear would be visible. That is it. Nothing more. This SO seems more concerned about what others will think. Not that that is uncommon in life, everyone is concerned of what other will think, which is what holds us back in soo many ways.

[Gina X]

Do we really need another pantie thread ??

[MrKunk]

It is a fine balance, you must meet your SO in the middle enough to keep her happy, then again she needs to accept who you are as well.

[Crysten]

OMG you should see my panty drawer. Seems I've been keeping Victoria's Secret afloat for the last few years. Seems unreasonable for your wife to deny you that. Just my opinion. I have...two pairs of mens underwear for hospital visits etc (they came in a two-pack or I would just have one pair). When my wife said "but what about if you get in an ACCIDENT or something". My response was...well, if it's serious enough for someone to be looking at my underwear, we have bigger problems. Lol.

[suchacutie]

There really is not enough information to answer the question. If this is the extent of the discussion then it's a problem. Clearly there are other issues involved, not the least of which is "why would she say that?"

tina

[Nigella]

Do we really need another pantie thread ??

This is not about panties, but a relationship issue, try reading the OP again

Nigella
Moderator

[J'lyn GG]

Is it fair that this was brought into her life? My husband would never dream of asking this of me. He knows how difficult it was for us to get to this point and would never ask for more than he has. If I feel like giving more, I give more. But he never asks, nor takes, more than I can give, because he loves me first.

[CharleneT]

Do we really need another pantie thread ??

No ... but that's never stopped 'em from coming !!

In answer to the OP's Q, yes, it is fair for your wife to have a strong opinion on such things. It is also fair for her to draw a line about it. It is also fair for you to do the same... it gets complicated indeed ! I will say that if you use terms like "..about being pussywhipped, spineless, submissive ..." when talking about this issue, you will get flack here for sure (and deserve it). If you use inflamatory language when talking to your wife about it, you'd be lucky to get any support.

[GaleWarning]

Something as simple and small and discrete as wearing panties, does anyone here think it's fair for a wife to say NO? They are not visible to anyone, shouldn't a person have the right to wear the underwear of their choice. Are wives that say NO going to far like being a "control freak". After all some total stranger designed them and said women should wear these and men wear boxers. What about a persons personal rights. I've posted before about being pussywhipped, spineless, submissive and got a lot of flack from some members. O.K., here we go, what do you say?

I have always had this rose-coloured dream that marriage meant each partner doing their best to make the other happy; counting the other as being more important than themselves. Sadly, this dream rarely becomes reality.

Deebra, it is clear that your wife has not heard your point of view on this matter, or, if she has, has decided that her point of view is more important than yours.

1. Before we can go in and bat for you, can you assure us that you, unlike your wife, always put her wants and needs ahead of yours? I am not totally convinced that this is the case. Search your marriage and ask yourself if there isn't some issue where your point of view has held sway over hers.
2. Marriage is not supposed to be about personal rights, but the mutual rights of the couple (and their children). This often demands that both spouses make compromises.
3. Unless you and your wife can sit down together and talk through all the issues about which the two of you do not agree right now, the marriage is doomed. I don't know exactly what your second-last sentence means, but I do know that unless each of you is committed to making the other happy, at least one of you will eventually become so unhappy that that person will leave.

[pink femme]

I have to disagree, sorry. I wear them and part of me feels terrible for doing it but i can't help it. But if my wife found out and asked me to stop then i would somehow have to find a way, somehow!! eeeekkkkk.......although personnel choice is important, trust and love in marriage is also vital for it to survive and flourish....and this from someone who keeps his secret secret!!

[BRANDYJ]

Something as simple and small and discrete as wearing panties, does anyone here think it's fair for a wife to say NO? They are not visible to anyone, shouldn't a person have the right to wear the underwear of their choice. Are wives that say NO going to far like being a "control freak". After all some total stranger designed them and said women should wear these and men wear boxers. What about a persons personal rights. I've posted before about being pussywhipped, spineless, submissive and got a lot of flack from some members. O.K., here we go, what do you say?

How in the world would a wife's concerns, likes or dislike for what her husband wears ever be considered a question of fairness? It's not. What is important is that your wife for whatever reason does not want you to wear panties (I assume out of the house) So if she is important to you, you will comply with her wishes. It's not even a matter of being pussywhipped, henpecked or submissive. It's about keeping your wife happy. You are supposed to be a partnership. Neither partner should be doing things the other has strong issues with. You should do your best to compromise and discuss the issue until you both can agree on a comfort level For me, my SO comes first. If she did not want me to wear panties, consider it done without making an issue out of it. It seems very selfish and even childish, to even question whether or not it's fair. For this simple request of a wife, I can't even fathom calling her a control freak. I call her concerned for whatever reason she may have.
You can call me pussywhipped, hen-pecked and submissive if yoiu want to. But I will always comply with the wishes of the Lady I love. Her happiness, wants and needs come first. I happen to liek it that way.

[sissystephanie]

I have to disagree, sorry. I wear them and part of me feels terrible for doing it but i can't help it. But if my wife found out and asked me to stop then i would somehow have to find a way, somehow!! eeeekkkkk.......although personnel choice is important, trust and love in marriage is also vital for it to survive and flourish....and this from someone who keeps his secret secret!!

Personal choice is important, but Trust and Love are very, very important in a marriage! But if you, Pink Femme, are keeping your crossdressing a secret from your wife than you don't really have trust and love in your marriage! Secrets like that are what destroys a lot of marriages! You say you can't stop wearing panties! I say, YES YOU CAN IF YOU REALLY WANT TO!!! The idea of wearing panties is in your head and you are letting it rule you!! Take charge of your own life, and don't let your inner desires rule!

[AllieSF]

I believe in loving your partner and making compromises for the sake of that love and to make the relationship work. There is not enough information in this post to determine how this specific relationship works except for the poster's second from last sentence. So my recommendation is when that request (do not wear female underwear) is made, if it hasn't already been made, is to ask why and based on her reply, agree or stand your ground if it is important to you.

I definitely do not believe what a few have said here, that one partner should be jumping through hoops to acquiesce and to please each and every request and demand, and yes some of these requests by the SO are demands. Giving in all the time does not help the relationship either. Turn the tables on those statements. If you request something to your wife like wear more skirts or dresses once in a awhile, then you have every right to expect that she should always agree with you, out of love and respect, of course. But life isn't always ideal, people are not perfect and all of us sometimes make unreasonable requests. Therefore, when in doubt always ask for clarification and then decide. A relationship is a two way street and no one in that relationship should be put higher on a pedestal if one is giving up important rights.

I read here all the time that the female side of the relationship wants her SO to be the man in the family. Part of that to me means that he should have enough of a backbone/courage/character to question when necessary unrealistic requests/demands by the SO to fully understand them in order to make a good decision about what is right for him, her and the relationship. A demand by one party does not mean that it is correct. If it is a true request, then one party should accept that the other party may not agree. And to stop all the bulls**t comments that men should understand when a request is a demand, the SO/woman side has every obligation to make her request clear and whether it is a demand (stop or else it will seriously affect the relationship). Actually, both sides have that obligation. No reading between the lines should be necessary for important issues, like being able to be yourself.

I agree that there are on the market nylon underwear, briefs and boxer shorts that could maybe fulfill the need to wear womens panties. Starting with them first may even help ease the way to eventually switching to panties later on by giving your wife a chance to adapt to your interest in nice feeling and tighter underwear. However, it is such a small thing in the overall relationship, I do believe that the wife/SO should not even be asking her partner not to wear them.

[Cynthia Anne]

Panties are such a small package you wouldn't think they could carry much of a punch! But! THEY can disstroy your whole world! Weather they be found in your car or on you! I chose to keep the panties!

[J'lyn GG]

This is my pet peeve. Just because YOU think it is a SMALL THING, does not mean it is a small thing to your wife. She may not even know why it bothers her, it just does. From experience, you can turn a cautiously accepting wife into one who is completely against it if you take things too fast or disregard any 'unreasonable requests'.

[DanielleLee]

Simply put... Of course she is. She is entitled to her opinion and can say "Don't do that." Whether or not you do it... that's totally up to you...

Personally, I stopped wearing panties and CDing altogether. As Stephanie said above... I love my wife more than crossdressing, I care more about our relationship than crossdressing. She didn't ask me to stop, although I would have if she had asked me too. I knew she was in pain and that my crossdressing was the culprit or the cause, so I quit for US. If you are in a truly committed and loving relationship then you should know what your partner wants emotionally. (Maybe not for Christmas, anniversaries or birthdays... but emotionally... you should) :D

The flip side or why I might agree it's unfair is... Hypothetically, your wife or SO knew about your CDing before or when the relationship turned serious. Everything was fine and she was fully accepting of your CDing activities and wearing panties to be more specific. A few years pass and lo & behold... the wife changes her mind and now her panties get in a wad whenever you wear yours... I have to agree with others on here and say that's not right. Because then, it's not a case of "You aren't the man I married", but rather "You aren't the woman I married."

People will always change and grow over time. The attitudes towards a partner's crossdressing usually change too. The obvious key is respect, trust and communication. Ultimatums and secrets are just going to doom any relationship eventually. :2c:

[deebra]

I stand by everything I said in my thread, AllieSF thanks for the common sence and sissystephanie your belief that cding is in your head and anyone can stop is wrong, wrong, wrong. If anyone can stop 90% of the cders would and this forum would dry up and disappear. You are born a crossdresser and purging, a SO that says no or any other demand for you to stop will not make the need/desire to dress go away. A world renowned psychologist, Dr. Susan Forward often said, "You are the most important person in the world", that means not to be selfish but think highly of yourself and don't always put yourself second or last to please others. To be happy in yourself you have to be first in line just as much as everyone else, this keeps your self worth where it should be so you can present your best self to others. I wrote this thread because I believe in it and I believe it applies to an individuals rights but not taking it so far that it brings embarassment or hurt to your mate, children, etc. As for me, I have probially forty pairs of panties that I wear daily plus bras, slips, shoes, etc. that are in the dresser or hanging in the closet, my SO has no problem with me cding. When I cd in public I do it in such a manner that it does not bring attention to myself or her. For those that disagree with me, why shouldn't the wife want to please the husband and go along with a compulsion/need that means so much to him?

[Jeanna]

I am glad at least one member agrees with me on priorities! Which is more important, crossdressing or the wife?

Well...crossdressing is a never to go away issue, so therefore the woman should put up with it. It's just panties!

[BRANDYJ]

so your wife knows you dress and is OK with it? She even goes out wiht you? You have us confused. Your words....A world renowned psychologist, Dr. Susan Forward often said, "You are the most important person in the world", that means not to be selfish but think highly of yourself and don't always put yourself second or last to please others. To be happy in yourself you have to be first in line just as much as everyone else, That also applies ot your wife. So if it bothers her that you wear panties, she has that right to be bothered just as much as it does not seem to bother you that she does not like it
Your ords again...why shouldn't the wife want to please the husband and go along with a compulsion/need that means so much to him?
Why should'nt a man want to please his wife and go along with a compuilsion/need she has. BTW, that "need" is to have you simply go along wiith her wishes.
In this thread and yyour last on the same topic, you seem to dwell on your rights, your wants, your needs. When is it time to think of your wife's needs?

I think you are taking sissystephanie's comments out of context. We all know that we can't just give up this thing called crossdressing. You are preaching to the chior. What I took he rwords to mean is that a guy can stop wearing panties to please his wife if he wanted to. I think what he meant is the simple wearing of panties out of the house on a daily basis. She never said a guy can quit CDimg. Just stop wearing panties daily as in under-dressed, to please his wife.
I think if your rights are all that important to you, then you need to be single where your actions, kinks, desires, wants and needs will not adversely effect another. I see no compromise in you and all I see is you saying it's your right.

[sissystephanie]

Deebra, I am sorry, but your reply to me is the one that is wrong. I have been a crossdresser, on and off, for over 70 years. Since I am a nut about psychology, I have done a lot of studying over those years. And I have talked to quite few doctors about it! Crossdressing is definitely a mental thing, and the person doing it is the only one who can stop. It is not something you are born with! No one forces you to put on feminine clothing, at least not usually! So you can stop doing so, but there must be a strong desire to do so!! I did stop entirely for a 5 year period early in my marriage. We had 2 children and I decided, totally on my own, that quitting being a CD would be better for my family. My dear wife, who totally accepted my CD'ing, agreed with me. But after 5 years she asked me to start dressing again! She said she missed Stephanie in her life and wanted her back! As I have said many times, my dear wife always came first! She passed on several years ago, but I am still CD'ing often. If my children, or my girlfriend, asked me to stop I would. I know that I can because I have already done it! BTW, I started wearing a bra at age 9 on a doctor's orders, and except for my time in the military during the Korean War have worn one ever since! Even when I quit CD'ing for those years! I had natural 36 B's at age 9 and now have natural 40 B's. No medical problem, I just have breasts!!

I do not believe that 90% of CD's would stop, simply because they, like you, would not want to! As I said earlier, the desire has to be there. I do think your wife should probably go along with you, but as I said earlier you 2 need to talk more about it!!

[Taylor186]

why shouldn't the wife want to please the husband and go along with a compulsion/need that means so much to him?

Unbelievable.

I ask you, why should she have to? Why didn't she know before making a committment? A large percentage of women run from tying the knot with a crossdresser, and rightly so, given some of the self-rightous additudes expressed here.

[NicoleScott]

It boils down to a very simple question! Which is more important to you, your crossdressing or your love for your wife? If your crossdressing is more important than go ahead and wear panties! Your marriage probably won't last long, but you will be happy!

On the other hand, if you really love your wife more than your crossdressing, forget about wearing panties and show her you are the MAN she married! She will love you even more.


SissyStephanie, it's easy to take that position when you have an accepting wife. Where your argument breaks down, however, is when the wife totally rejects and forbids any and all crossdressing behaviors. What now? Quit being a crossdresser because you love your wife? Let's turn it around. If the wife really loves me, she will accept me as I am. All I'm asking is to wear panties, and no one else can see them.

[deebra]

BRANDYJ and sissystephanie and everyone else, let me clarify; I wrote this thread as a subject for general discussion among our members knowing their would be yeas and nays, it doesn't directly apply to me in the sense that my SO objects. She saw me dressed one week after we met and it has never ever been a problem. We shop together and I buy a lot of her clothing when she is not with me including her underwear. She is not closed minded as some wives/SOers are, what I like to wear wheather it be male or female clothing or a combination of both is O.K. with her. Nylon briefs as a compromise donot do it for me, I enjoy the mental state and feel of nylon panties and thongs. When the desire hits I add a lot more. In public I never dress where I am outed or would embarass or bring gaukky attention to myself or us. By the way, she is very, very attractive and we have an exceptionally good relationship.

[joan658]

I think in most cases women feel threatened when the discover their men cross dress. My wife was afraid (at first) that I was gay (like most CDers, I'm not). This of course would have threatened our marriage. I've read that some women react as if their men, by cross dressing, are trying to compete and thus their own femininity is threatened. So, I've concluded that the biggest problem is ignorance about CDing. Once my wife researched and learned more about cross dressing she became more comfortable with it - after 15 years she even complements me on how nice a new dress looks on me. If a wife or GF is being controlling about cross dressing, my guess is she is controlling in the relationship in general, not just as it regards cross dressing.

[Gillian Gigs]

I feel that in any marriage compromise is a key to success. The second thing is open communication. Fear is a strong factor in how people react to situations, so if your SO doesn't want you to wear panties, you need to get to the bottom of the issue by talking about it. Compromise can only happen after true feelings are in the open. I have tryed the nylon boxers and mens briefs, and they didn't cut it for me. I wear nylon hi-cuts and my SO thinks that it is no big deal, its only underwear to her. Yet she has trouble dealing with me wearing a bra, that is to feminine to her, she says that she doesn't want to see it or know when I am wearing it. Slips, camis, nylons, pantyhose, garters, and panties are ok, even during sex, but no bras. I don't try to understand the logic, I have just compromised with it to live with and love my SO. She said to me one day not to long ago, that I have a fetish, and that we all have our short comings and that is just the way that it is. I think that we need to stop obsessing over some of our behaviors and start showing more love and affection toward our SO's, so that they know that we love and accept them. Then maybe they will love and accept us more also.

[Elle1946]

Does she know about your CDing? In not, then that is why, but if she is OK with CDing I don't know why she is upset with panties.

[Julogden]

Even though my wife knew I dressed, she never approved but to compramise my desire to wear panties, she bought me nylon mens bikini briefs. I still wore my panties whenever the opportunity arose but the nylon briefs turned out to be a reasonable substitute.

Back when I was married, my wife did that too. She bought several pairs of men's nylon satin briefs and bikini briefs for me too, which was a nice gesture. Interestingly, she bought some women's briefs and bikini briefs that were from the same company that looked exactly like mine, the only difference was hers had a women's size number on the label, that's how we told them apart. And, annoyingly, she sometimes wore mine if she was out of clean underwear, but wouldn't dream of letting me borrow a pair of hers if I was out.

Carol