My Grandma is a Douche

[SarahMarie42]

I can't even properly articulate my thoughts right now, as I am quite angry. My grandmother lives with my mother and I (I'm staying at home while attending college), and she never fails to impugn me whenever she's reminded that I'm no longer a fully closeted CD. Initially, I assumed that she was concerned about my social well-being and reputation, I assumed that she merely wanted to protect me from ridicule, but today...she revealed her true motives. Apparently, my mother is looking for a boyfriend, and my grandmother fears that she may not be able to find one if news of my being a cross dresser were to be disseminated. :| It really hurt me, as it is premised upon the assumption that cross dressing is shameful, dirty, perverted, and purely fetishistic. :|

[Jeanna]

Wow is she ever a douche! Maybe her new bf will turn out to be a cross dresser:)

[SarahMarie42]

Jeanna, I would love to have a cross dresser become my step dad x] If he has a feminine side, there's a better chance of him being a decent person.

[Jeanna]

That would be cool. It would also slap the old lady wouldn't it?

[BRANDYJ]

Sorry Sara, I can see your grandmother's concerns. In our society, crossdresisng is not an acceptable behavior. I frankly think you are disrespectful for calling her names for her beliefs, which she is entitled to. You, me or anyone can force the public to accept crossdressing. Perhaps her fears are unfounded unless you choose to dress openly in front of a potential partner your mother may meet. I also think it would be disrespectful for you to do so if your mother asked you not to expose your lifestyle in front of a date. I would also assume her motives were in fact to protect you from riducule or worse. But also added that your dressing could prevent your mother from finding a new man in her life. It's her concern for you and your mother. You should at least respect that. It will not always go the way you'd like to see the world. So your anger is out of order.

[Cynthia Anne]

If step dad is a cross dresser perhaps grandma will move out! Peace at last!Hugs!

[donnatracey]

Have to agree with Brandy.....she makes some excellent points. You may not like to hear it but your anger seems to be misdirected....try to understand their pt of view.

[Eryn]

I can understand your anger at your disagreement, but is your grandmother really deserving of that characterization? Once the name-calling starts you've thrown away the communication needed to reach a reasonable conclusion.

[James Kaon]

I kind of agree with Brandy. Yes its a bit hurtful for you, I honestly get that. But I think that CDing is not something easily understood by people, especially of the older generations. My guess is that although she probably feels ok with you, she sees the reality of what people think same as we do (and to a greater or lesser extent fear, or hide from). It will change, I'm pretty sure of it. But as this change happens, I would not want to force things onto people as that would probably have a detrimental effect. Maybe im wrong and that defiant demands of acceptance should be now! But maybe it is better to allow change to happen at the pace that society chooses? I dont know, its very hard to rage against the machine so to speak... But try not to feel so angry with your grandma. She is family and probably loves you, she just wants to have the best for her daughter and does not truly understand the path you have chosen.

[DanyaKay]

Well you know how it is... you can pick your friends but not your family. I think she has your mom's best interest at heart and you need to remember that she comes from a different generation who's way of life was vastly different than now. 100 years from now all of us on this site may be thought of as pioneers ourselves. Just tell her that you will picking her nursing home and she'd better be careful.

[Cynthia Anne]

I've had the flue for the past three days and I feel like crap! So I'm using this for my excuse of being so sarcastic! I keep reading about girls telling you to be honest and open! Then I read how you should go hide so grandma can find momma a date! HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[James Kaon]

I've had the flue for the past three days and I feel like crap! So I'm using this for my excuse of being so sarcastic! I keep reading about girls telling you to be honest and open! Then I read how you should go hide so grandma can find momma a date! HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL, yes we do contradict ourselves. But then is that not the essence of being a CDer? Maybe, maybe not. Honesty should come with those who should need it. Like a partner, or a very close friend. If silence helps someone else where your desire to crossdress could have an impact, it is too hard a cross to bear? My parents do not know, nor do many of my friends. If they did, and accepted me, but didnt want me to shout about it, I would feel ok with that. OK so I am not someone who wants to present as female, so maybe its easier for me to say that... But still, I think honesty should be based on the situation in front of you, and not on ones personal desire for the world to accept. Just MHO.

[NicoleScott]

Good observation, Cynthia Anne.
Brandy, I didn't read where SarahMarie called her grandmother names. She merely told US that her grandma is a douche, and it sounds like she is. There seems to be one way respect expectation going on here. Respect your grandma, but grandma has no respect for who SarahMarie is. And for all the wrong reasons.
SarahMarie should remember that when you live in someone else's home, you obey their rules. Maybe grandma should be reminded that it's not her home either.

[MrKunk]

Your Grandma is way too closed minded. Times have changed since her childhood and teen years.

[Rachel Morley]

It really hurt me, as it is premised upon the assumption that cross dressing is shameful, dirty, perverted, and purely fetishistic. :| Tell me about it! It's true ... a lot of people don't like it or like hearing about it or even want to acknowledge it in others. The thing is, we're in it and around everyday, it's so much a part of our lives we (or at least I do anyway) sometimes forget that it's not actually a "normal thing" for most people.

Sadly it seems your grandmother has issues with you expressing yourself in this way. :sad:

[Phoebe P.]

It may just be me, but I'm not comfortable with calling your Grandmother a douche. I lost both of my Grandmothers almost 20 years ago and I miss them dearly. Makes me sad to see this post. Nothing personal, just seems rather harsh. She has her viewpoint and it should be respected. Whether we like it or not, we are the ones out of the "mainstream". Just my $2 (adjusted for inflation). :)

[Stephanie Miller]

Let me get this right.... In your mind it should be alright to be open to whoever you want, when ever you want. And others should not feel hurt or infringed upon.
BUT.....
For your grandmother to have any feelings that do not jive with yours for her sake or those of others - she's wrong. Hmmm.

Prior to jumping up and down calling people names, why don't you try and understand where she is coming from first. Your grandmother grew up in an era (and still lives there) where ANY knowledge of what a CD is was virtually non-existent. There were very, very few books on it, no internet, no Jerry Springer (had to throw that one in :) ) - and the CD's of that time STAYED in the closet for the shame and ridicule it would cause to the family. Let alone the possibility of harm or even death.
You, my dear girl, have benefited from the hard work many CD's, doctors, psychologists etc. have put forth in those same mediums that she did not have. Many of the girls in CD land (let alone on this site) have done many many hours of community outreach, T.V. shows, writing and flat out exposure to the public in order to educate folks just like you AND your grandmother.
You seem very intelligent and have knowledge about the LGBT lifestyle. Yet, think back before you came out to yourself, and felt relieved to find other just like you.
Think back to times of trying on female clothes behind closed doors, because you "knew" it was wrong. (Or so you perceived) You had/have a reason for learning- she didn't.
Give your grandmother some slack. And possibly a little information. I doubt the moment you told her -or she found out - she went running to the library or hit the internet looking for information. I'm sure she stuck to her core beliefs. Even if she did... what are the predominant websites or books to jump out. Porn. And that does a lot to help our cause, doesn't it.
Why not instead of being angry at her, start small talk (armed with information) to help inform. Just know, she will highly reject the information at first. And possibly never accept, but maybe, just maybe she will at least start to understand. If not... remember, she's still allowed her thoughts without ridicule from you.

[t-girlxsophie]

I suppose to her and those of her generation Their opinions on Crossdressing were probably based on all of the assumptions you quoted,Maybe all thats needed is a heart to heart with your Grandmother.let her see things from your side of the fence

Sophie

[SarahMarie42]

Douche is just a marginally flippant term to me. I wouldn't ever call her a bitch or anything like that, as she is wholly undeserving of such a term, but I guess I see douche as somewhat harmless. I'm not angry at my grandma. She's generally very understanding, I was just shocked at her being close-minded in this particular circumstance, as she's even bought me flats before. A more accurate thread title would've been "My Grandma Is Acting Like A Douche", but I was a little frustrated and therefore a little illucid. Also, let me clarify, I'm not telling a potential date of my mother's about my cross dressing, I'm telling people who are close friends of mine who are probably in no way associated with any potential date. I don't shove my transvestism in people's faces, I just ask that I can share it with those who would care.

I feel so misinterpreted xP

Since I was initially so illucid, I changed my wording a bit before posting. I must've accidentally omitted the sentence regarding her generally being very tolerant.

[Marissa]

Sarah, I'm glad you came back on to clarify what you meant versus what stated or implied. I was going to post a question for you to do just that because some would see the last sentence of your OP to be something she said or expressed in some manner...and yes, she would be graded harshly as being a closed-minded, evil blah blah.. And it came be that she is stating something that would be best for the happiness of your mother..

Since on the subject of your mother, I would hope you have discussed with her about the 'what if's' in the event someone does enter her life. I understand that you are selective in who knows but still, the potential is there. Just a thought is all..

[Rianna Humble]

Let me get this right.... In your mind it should be alright to be open to whoever you want, when ever you want. And others should not feel hurt or infringed upon.

It would have been good if you could have got it right. Let's go back to what the OP actually said:


I can't even properly articulate my thoughts right now, as I am quite angry. My grandmother lives with my mother and I (I'm staying at home while attending college), and she never fails to impugn me whenever she's reminded that I'm no longer a fully closeted CD. Initially, I assumed that she was concerned about my social well-being and reputation, I assumed that she merely wanted to protect me from ridicule, but today...she revealed her true motives.
...
It really hurt me

Now, where in that does SarahMarie demand any rights at all, let alone the right to be open to whoever she wants?

I can see where she says that she had put up with her grandmother's ridicule when she thought it came from a concern for the grandchild's well-being.

I can also see where she says she is angry because the grandmother has revealed that her insults have nothing to do with love for a grandchild.

I cannot see where she denies anyone the right to feel hurt, but I can see where you want to deny her that right.

TBH, I think you have got the whole situation the wrong way around. The grandmother is ridiculing SarahMarie on a daily basis, SarahMarie has put up with it for as long as she thought the grandmother's reactions were born out of concern for her grandchild and now expresses how hurt she is to find out that the ridicule had nothing to do with concern for her welfare, so you accuse SarahMarie of intolerance.

[Gerrijerry]

Ok no name calling that simple is wrong. However if mom ever wants to find Mr. right he would have to be accepting of her son as well. Which means the new possible dad would have to accept him as a CD. so SarahMarie you are doing nothing wrong when you crossdress and the future dad should know about it. I bet that Mom knows that as well so you might want to talk to mom about it not grandma. As for it hurting you, That is also not acceptable from a grandparent.
I do not think that there is much difference between you and your mom and a man and a future wife. Both need understanding and love. Both have to be open to each other.

[VanessaVW]

"Prior to jumping up and down calling people names, why don't you try and understand where she is coming from first. Your grandmother grew up in an era (and still lives there) where ANY knowledge of what a CD is was virtually non-existent. There were very, very few books on it, no internet, no Jerry Springer (had to throw that one in :) ) - and the CD's of that time STAYED in the closet for the shame and ridicule it would cause to the family."

My grandmother really helped me get started (back in the early 70's) Guess she was extremely ahead of her time and extremely open-minded. I think that there are always people from any generation who will complain and those who are more open to new things. Face it, some elderly folks love the internet and some will never try it out.

[Pythos]

SarahMarie42.

I know all about a loving relative acting like this. At first it is stated as concern about what others think of you, but in actuallity it is they are more concerned about how it will reflect upon them.

Only thing you can do is plow on, or give up. Your grandmother is an old dinosaur, and it will be next to impossible to change her views. She is most likely single because she is simply not attractive to the men she tries to attract. How does your mom address your being "out".

On a different note. I really think you should go my route and just go androgynous, with a feminine leaning. I do not act feminine, I don't really move "feminine", I am just naturally "graceful" (as stated by a GG of my past). Sending you a pm

[TGMarla]

It really hurt me, as it is premised upon the assumption that cross dressing is shameful, dirty, perverted.....

What? You didn't know this? LOL

Your granny is old and set in her ways. It's unlikely you're going to be able do undo all those years of social programming. Forgive her her ignorance, smile at her, and let her know that you pity her for her narrow mind. What else can you do?

Now excuse me, while I wallow in my shameful, dirty perversions. Let's see.....what to wear today?

[Lori B]

It may just be me, but I'm not comfortable with calling your Grandmother a douche. I lost both of my Grandmothers almost 20 years ago and I miss them dearly. Makes me sad to see this post. Nothing personal, just seems rather harsh. She has her viewpoint and it should be respected. Whether we like it or not, we are the ones out of the "mainstream". Just my $2 (adjusted for inflation). :)

Same here,,I lost mine also,,and agree with Phoebe....suck it in and show her respect now,,,you`ll be glad you did when shes gone

[t-girlxsophie]

Respect has to be earned,they just dont earn it for reaching old age,even our Elders have to earn it from us Youngsters (think I still qualify) her Attitudes,as I mentioned before were all she knew,so a little understanding could be necessary for her to "get" it,If after you discuss things with her,she still wants to remain entrenched in the past,then you've done all you can

Sophie

[linda allen]

It may just be me, but I'm not comfortable with calling your Grandmother a douche. I lost both of my Grandmothers almost 20 years ago and I miss them dearly. Makes me sad to see this post. Nothing personal, just seems rather harsh. She has her viewpoint and it should be respected. Whether we like it or not, we are the ones out of the "mainstream".

I have to agree with Phoebe.

In some cultures, the young folks are taught to respect their elders. Sadly, not in the USA, at least no more.

Perhaps it's time to sit with grandma and have a heart to heart talk with her about why you crossdress. But don't just tell her, listen to her and try to respond respectfully. You might bring her around or at least reach an understanding.

The other option is to move out of the house to your own place where you can do as you please.

[Allana W]

Hi Sara, I still miss my grandmother even though she died way back in 1965. She was a true Victorian woman having grown up in London in the late 1800s. I have no idea what she would have thought of my cross dressing, probably she wouldn't have understood it at all. But I do know that she had many interesting and wonderful aspects and rarely a week goes by that I don't still think of her. As the song says, its too late to tell people how we feel once they are gone... Allana

[Pythos]

Age only gets you so much respect.

I have to bring in something to this discussion about how the elders should get respect.

Should Pol Pot have gotten respect? How about any SS guard that got away from Germany and evaded capture and lived to a ripe old age.

Quadafi is reaching an elder state...should he be respected.

How about a grandparent that is fully involved with the KKK.

Really think about that.

Now. I have a better understanding of Sarah's grandma, and it seems she is more in fear of others reactions (hmmm, sounds familiar). Other than that she accepts and support Sarah, though I am baffled how trying to limit her is truly supportive.

I would understand their upbringing, but I would not accept it if it was sexist, racist, or creedist. If it has notions that now a days are considered hate full, then I will not honor those.

When I was young I was in the car with my dad and Grandpa. We were traveling down a street in one of the poorer neighborhoods. This was a thing the two did and to this day it sickens me. The would point out black people and make the best "impression" of them with really racial slurs (this was of course done with the windows shut). "Say baby, why don't you give me some money" and stuff like that. "Spade" was always used to describe black men. Should I respect my Grandpa for instilling that crap into my dad, and attempt to instill it in me?

Ignorance needs to be stopped, and if that means some poor elderly person needs to be shown what for, then so be it.

[Chastitycd]

I have a very backwards intolerant family who does not know about Chastity and hopefully never will. That said I have adapted a new attitude...treat your family like friends and your friends like family. That said when I decided to open Chastity to the world I knew I could not tell my family, so im trying to "build" a new family of friends that know about me and are accepting. So far its worked very well.

Chastity

[Amanda22]

Now excuse me, while I wallow in my shameful, dirty perversions. Let's see.....what to wear today?

You made me laugh. Thanks!

[Amanda22]

I don't know, I never bought into the "respect the elders" thing. Perhaps because I never knew my grandparents/aunts/uncles. I was taught by parents to respect everyone. As others have said, respect should be earned. I know several old, crotchety, intolerant, grumpy senior citizens.

[Marissa]

:shush: Okay.. I don't want to say it too loud and give someone a heart attack..but I agree with Pythos' comments..:heehee: (:wave: Pythos )

Age does not = respect. Respect is earned..and at times hard work to maintain. And the age that you gain this respect or lose it can be at any time.

Given that the initial Title of this thread gives the impression that "Sara called her grandmother a douce", which has been clarified that she did not...just 'thought' about the name as used for expression.

And even so, Sarah did some clarification that I was about to ask for..since it seem more of an assumption versus what really occured.

Now with that said..just because someone makes some statements, does not make them close minded, ignorant, or narrow minded..sometimes its that 'freedom' of choice, that you might disagree with (since its your 'freedom' too).

Maybe in olden times when the statement "respect all elders" was understandable since the elders had concern for everyone in the family or community such as a tribe. Course with changes in time and thoughts of 'self-gratification', elders have taken wrong roads..

I have at times told my daughters that 'this is how I was raised or lived..and you don't have to agree with them..but remember..its tough to change me' :D