edina1
04-12-2011, 09:16 AM
Hi everyone, I hope you don't mind this long account and question.... the new label is AGP, autogynephilia - which has been around for a while - loving/being turned on by the sense of being a woman (including being dressed as one), but first time I saw the shorthand. In my own search for understanding and self-acceptance, it looks like I have to add it to TV,CD or whatever... but it also adds to confusion...
To explain, there are more websites now for 'crossdreamers' - AGPers, and instead of the little postings about daydreams of walking down the street in nice dresses, I was shocked at the stories of anguish of those whose opportunties for love and acceptance were blighted by frequent desires to be the female partner in sexual exchange with the women they loved. Some but not all extended this identity to cross-dressing, either alone or with their partners' acceptance. A common thread was the doubled fear of exposure and that revelation would bring rejection. We know this well enough, but some of us at least might have the confidence in being a male partner in making love, which can help...
I was shocked too at how much I recognised in myself. On the rocks of two failed relationships, with women who knew about my crossdressing, were open to it in various levels, and with whom I had good and warm relationships in other ways, I realise that my full adoration of them in intimacy also sometimes had an element of me wishing to be them, and that for them this could cause both a suffocating closeness and a sense of rejection - that I did not love them, but the idea of being them. And then I started wondering again about my sexual identity, and how everything tangled up. It seemed like it started, very young, with forbidden fascination with girls' clothes, then growing up, with women's clothes crossing boundaries and wearing them, while wondering about what it meant, terrified of being a 'cissy', strongly attracted to girls, occasionally being hit on by gay males but never responding, and now admitting to these feelings. What was going on, what was I hiding and what was I denying?
Like some of the people posting as crossdreamers, unless blessed with finding someone who not only accepted my dressing but also enjoyed my feelings in bed, I was now giving up on the idea of a relationship and trying to find more lonely pleasure dressing as a woman whenever I wanted, even if that was second best.
So after this long story, does any of this make sense to anyone else in the group? Is this just another part of having drawn our odd hand of cards and best to learn to laugh about it? Or do I have to carry an ever greater load of labels?
Thanks everyone, for listening...
To explain, there are more websites now for 'crossdreamers' - AGPers, and instead of the little postings about daydreams of walking down the street in nice dresses, I was shocked at the stories of anguish of those whose opportunties for love and acceptance were blighted by frequent desires to be the female partner in sexual exchange with the women they loved. Some but not all extended this identity to cross-dressing, either alone or with their partners' acceptance. A common thread was the doubled fear of exposure and that revelation would bring rejection. We know this well enough, but some of us at least might have the confidence in being a male partner in making love, which can help...
I was shocked too at how much I recognised in myself. On the rocks of two failed relationships, with women who knew about my crossdressing, were open to it in various levels, and with whom I had good and warm relationships in other ways, I realise that my full adoration of them in intimacy also sometimes had an element of me wishing to be them, and that for them this could cause both a suffocating closeness and a sense of rejection - that I did not love them, but the idea of being them. And then I started wondering again about my sexual identity, and how everything tangled up. It seemed like it started, very young, with forbidden fascination with girls' clothes, then growing up, with women's clothes crossing boundaries and wearing them, while wondering about what it meant, terrified of being a 'cissy', strongly attracted to girls, occasionally being hit on by gay males but never responding, and now admitting to these feelings. What was going on, what was I hiding and what was I denying?
Like some of the people posting as crossdreamers, unless blessed with finding someone who not only accepted my dressing but also enjoyed my feelings in bed, I was now giving up on the idea of a relationship and trying to find more lonely pleasure dressing as a woman whenever I wanted, even if that was second best.
So after this long story, does any of this make sense to anyone else in the group? Is this just another part of having drawn our odd hand of cards and best to learn to laugh about it? Or do I have to carry an ever greater load of labels?
Thanks everyone, for listening...