Why is it such a thrill to be called "Ma'am"?

[ReineD]

I'm referring to this very lovely thread about pleasant experiences while dressed:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?151341-Best-times-ever

It seems as if being treated as a woman: having a door held open, being called "Ma'am", or "Ladies" when out with your wives, being accepted by a group of ladies, or SAs, etc, are the greatest pleasures that keep some of you "floating" for days.

Why is this?

Honestly, I can't think of anything in my life that keeps me floating for days, save for monumental events. Well, I remember thrilling moments when in the throes of new love with my SO ... you know, the first kiss, the first realization the feelings were returned ... things like that. Or achieving success at work like a promotion or a good raise. Or getting a 4.0 GPA. Stuff that's more on the monumental side.

I know it seems a simple question although it may be harder than you think to answer it. :)

[Eryn]

I'll preface this to say that it has never happened to me...

However I can easily see why it's a Big Thing for us.

For some time, a CDer has been working toward the goal of being accepted as the gender she is presenting.

She's worked hard on all the things we have to do to build that presentation. Makeup, hair, clothes, shoes, mannerisms, walk, voice, etc. Often this is done with little starting knowledge and/or support so the learning curve is very steep. The CDer is physically starting behind a GG when it comes to many of these since we have to disguise our male characteristics before we can even think of presenting as female. Also, we haven't had those two or three decades of feminine indoctrination that GGs take for granted.

Considerable courage has to be summoned even to go out in the first place. Anxiety builds about everything because the CDer is doing something of which society does not approve.

Finally out and about, the CDer tentatively interacts with others. Usually the *first* clear evidence that the CDer has of been perceived as female is the word "ma'am" being directed towards them.

Since this is the very first indication that the CDer has achieved the goal for which she has been striving, is it any wonder that it is a momentous event for her?

[Tasha McIntyre]

You're right, it is quite a difficult question to answer. After a couple of minutes thought, all I could come up with is that maybe it's the validation of what we are trying to achieve, or at least recognition of our effort to present female.

Tash :)

[Anne2345]

Fantastic question, Reine! Although I am a closet CDer (with the exception of my wonderful and accepting wife), I have just begun going out for pedicures with polish this year. I have not been called "ma'am," or a lady, but I believe my pedicure experience is relevant to your question.

Even though I go in drab for the pedicure, given that I ask for color polish and my legs are shaved, it is quite obvious that I am not just a guy having a simple gender-neutral pedicure. I go to a solo practitioner/salon owner, and we have discussed the issue. She is completely accepting about it, loves to talk about different colors, nail art, etc., and treats me as if I am just another one of her female clients. It is an amazing and wonderful experience for me to be accepted in this manner, as if I really were a girl.

Although it is not my desire to actually become a female, I have a very strong feminine side that I love dearly. And I must indulge this side of myself and keep it happy! Beyond the necessity of it, I truly enjoy it! :) If something so simple as receiving a pedicure and being treated as another one of the girls can put me on pink cloud nine, then so be it! I am there!

But to your ultimate question - how does this compare to such things that are "more on the monumental side?" I have accomplished some goals in life that some may consider successful. I am certainly proud of all that I have accomplished, and all of the work that I have put into my career and education to get to where I am at today.

However, all of my accomplishments have been relatively easy in relation to receiving something so simple as a pedicure this year. To use your example, a 4.0 gpa in school was not monumental to me. I worked extremely hard for it, but a 4.0 was commonplace. Clearly, it allowed me to ultimately achieve and enjoy the career I have now, a career for which I have worked hard and diligently to obtain. But at no point was I ever scared, intimidated, or embarassed by it.

Although I have accepted myself for who and what I am for some time now, and love and embrace the feminine side of myself, the fact of the matter is that I am 41 years old. I have been actively crossdressing for well over 25 years, and I am only just now comfortable enough to go out and get a pedicure! And that first pedicure I was shaking like a leaf! But the salon owner was comfortable with me, treated me well, and in a manner I had previously only fantasized was somewhat possible. The reality was that it is possible, and that reality is beautiful! So although you question the significance of such acknowledgment of our feminine side in public (a very fair question at that), an acknowledgment that otherwise would be small and insignificant to a GG, it can make a world of difference to a CDer who desires, in some fashion or another, acknowledgement and acceptance of our feminine side in a public setting.

To do what we do, as another member so eloquently pointed out to me, takes courage. To step outside of the box of what society considers normal and acceptable, and embrace ourselves for who we are, is not necessarily an easy task. For many, including myself way back in the day, it is quite difficult. Just going out for a simple pedicure and polish took me 20 years of my adult life to accomplish! So I applaud all of my sisters and girlfriends that live life in the manner they choose, within reason, and that take pride and thrills in the simple pleasures of life and crossdressing. Whether in the end such simple pleasures may be fairly categorized as "monumental" by society, the answer is undoubtedly no. But to me, they are monumental, and that is all that matters! :)

[jessica renee]

My own situation is odd as my roommates do not know about my CDing but I have been out in public a few times. I would have to agree with the others that have said it gives us CD's a sense of validation and accomplishment.

[GaleWarning]

The only time I have ever been ma'am'd ... I was sitting in a minivan wearing a loud Tongan shirt. The person obviously saw only my longish hair and a flowery shirt ... and assumed the rest.

I laughed! He did a double-take and apologized.

So, I think people see what they want to see and really are not all that observant.

What gives me a buzz? Being on safari in Africa. Seeing spiders' webs etched in dew in the early morning sunlight. Watching warthogs spilling out of a tall ants' nest. Hearing hippo lowing in the waters of a pool close by the rondawel when I go to sleep. Oh, and wearing a lovely pairs of stockings and high heels, in the closet.
:)

[Kate Simmons]

Evidently being the object of respect and adulation is much to be desired Reine.:)

[Gerrijerry]

To answer your question. being thought of as a woman is to most a sign that they are accepted and seen by others as a woman. What many call passing. It is a great feeling to just be able to go about a normal day doing what ever it is you want to do weather it is going to work or to a movie or shopping being treated fairly and accepted. The fear of not being accept being an outcast being treat like you are a sickness that needs to be cured is what most are expecting when they go out. Is it any wonder then that after expecting the worst and being treated well a CD or TS would be feeling great. Over the years both actions have happened to me.

[Sue101]

It is more than respect and validation, it is achieving a life-long dream like an historical black slave dreaming to be free one day and be called Sir

[DAVIDA]

I have to admit, it doesn't do that much for me.
Here lately, I have been "ma'amed" a lot by several different people.:)
The problem is, I wasn't dressed!:eek:

Believe me, I do not look like a ma'am!:heehee:

[april_lynn]

I agree with most of the responses. I think that any event that helps us feel more feminine gives us a state of euphoria the first several times because it allows the woman inside us to be expressed and accepted. It allows us to feel more like a woman. I see being addressed in a female way as another moment in the process of both accepting ourselves and finding our true path in society. Other momenrs would include wearing a bra or panties for the first time, wearing a dress for the first time, applying makeup or shaving the first time, venturing out for the first time dressed, etc. All of those moments when we feel that yes we are feminine gives me that rush feeling, and then as time goes by it starts to just feel normal. Although I haven't even ventured out dressed yet, I can not wait to have the opportunit6 to experience these other levels of feminine existence in society. I feel it is a bit like getting a driver's license for the first time.Before you have it you are scared to get behind the wheel, but when you pass the driver's test someone mam's you by giving you your license. After time though driving is natural and no big deal. Just my long jumbled thoughts on it.

April

[Steph.TS]

the problem is how ech of us were brought up/raised (in terms of gender roles and expectations) you grew up with expectation fo hearing people call you ma'am, miss, etc... to you it's no different that some one calling my sir, but if you were unhappy as a woman and were trying to become a man, or simply pass as a man, the simple act of being called sir, would be telling you that you react the goal of passing, or are closer to your goal of transitioning. in Wednesday I had my first laser hair removal consultation, had 2 area's test patched, and as I left, I felt like I was on top of the world, like I should be open about my fem side etc... but I also know that as great as I felt and that I made progress by admitting my transgender status, and being accepted as such, I also broke down a barrier I was afraid of, I was afraid of the laser itself.

the point I'm trying to make with the laser story if that when you get called sir (if you were trying to transition/pass) you cross a barrier and exceeded your own expectations and gender role. it's a milestone, and for many here it can be one of those monumental moments you mentioned. The other problem is that (going back the the how you were raised, and gender roles bit) we as human beings tend to take for granted what it is we have, I take being male for granted, even though there are FTM's that would love to switch places with me and I vice versa, now I think you are a GG, and happy with that, but you take for granted the simple pleasures in being recognized as a woman, because it happens all the time. just like I take for granted flipping a switch as seeing the lights come on, I just expect it.

that's my answer, I hope it helps

[SuzanneBender]

Renee for some of us being Ma'am or having the door held for us is a momumental experience. It is a small realization of something many of the ladies here have dreamed of all their life. Its just a wonderful simple little moment of being.

[Marissa]

You're right, it is quite a difficult question to answer. After a couple of minutes thought, all I could come up with is that maybe it's the validation of what we are trying to achieve, or at least recognition of our effort to present female.

Tash :)

In most cases, I would think its in the same lines as what Tasha is referring to, the recognition of our efforts.. since many of us know that many times its not about passing. If you are a patron of a business, you will be ma'am'd, 'miss', 'ladies' to make you feel welcomed for a return visit or to keep from upsetting, etc. Either way, its very understanding as to how that feeling can last for days until the next one comes along :)

Now as for me... hmmm due to that most of my outings are limited to nightclubs with only one Denny's visit, the results of the words or jestures is how I feel so good that its a final excuse to let my 'manside' go. I can feel womanly..or to the extent that I'm allowed..lol. Hope that makes sesne.. FREEDOM is maybe the proper word :)

[Cynthia Anne]

The thing we all want is exceptance! I feel that being 'ma'am' can be a form of being excepted! It Identifies me where I really want to be!

[Sara Jessica]

Its just a wonderful simple little moment of being.

Such a wonderfully simple answer that is right on the money.

For me, the only thing that has topped the proper use of ma'am, ladies, correct pronouns, etc. was an experience last week while checking into the MGM Grand....being referred to as "Ms. _____" based on my presentation as female despite handing over my decidedly male driver license. Call it what you will, validation, respect, acceptance, whatever, it was absolutely magical to me.

[JenniferR771]

Reine,
Non-crossdressers don't like to be called "M'am". That means I think, that cding is not a hobby, or a fun experience. It goes deeper. To the bone. I think it is an indication that we are transgender to some degree. I agree, it is a validation of our transgender nature. And it is in spite of strong cultural and social disincentives.

I am sure the FtM guys appreciate being called sir. Or am I wrong?

[april_lynn]

In thinking more about it, I would rather be cslled miss than ma'am, but sadly those days are probably fading fast. :)

[Pythos]

I actually do not. Once I did get called miss and I very quickly corrected the person. Not meanly, but definitely clealy stated I did not appreciate that.

Now, if I get complimented on how fem I look, then I am cool about that.

[Amanda22]

My earliest memory of the differences between the genders was at about age 6 or 7. At that time, I knew I wasn't a boy but had a boy's body. I felt like a girl inside but didn't have a girl's body. I've always seen myself as a biological or psychological mistake. Imagine 40+ years of feeling like a misfit, the world expecting you to act like a boy and do boy things. Every single day in my life has contained concrete examples of appearing as something I'm not, as well as receiving absolutely no affirmation of what I am! Imagine that. I'm so totally not exaggerating.

In the past few months, I've been out fully dressed en femme, and have been referred to by strangers as "Ma'am" and "Ladies" when with my wife. It always touches a part of my core "being" that has never been touched until this time of my life. It's affirmation that a stranger perceives me to be what I see myself as. That's huge! That means I'm not floating through life as a ghost or impostor. I'm actually living authentically and that is plenty of reason for me to float for days.

I don't think a person can understand this if they haven't lived it themselves.

[ReineD]

Thank you all so much for your responses! :love:

Other than the people for whom the question doesn't apply, I guess there are two major camps:

1. Those of you who feel appreciated for a job well done after having spent years working towards this, combined with a sense of relief as you discover the CDer lynching mobs had been figments of your imaginations. :)

2. Those of you who feel you are finally being recognized for who you truly are inside. :)

[Julogden]

Reine, perhaps you're not fully grasping how big an issue this is for us, at least for those of us who dress for reasons related to gender identity issues. Getting "ma'amed" is validation and acceptance, and to a group of people who are often vilified, rejected or ridiculed, validation and acceptance is a very, very big deal.

Carol

[Richelle]

Reine,

I think Carol said it best. I always have it in the back of my mind that I am going to be ridiculed in public. So when getting "Ma'ammed" or Miss brings a big relief to me.

Richelle



Reine, perhaps you're not fully grasping how big an issue this is for us, at least for those of us who dress for reasons related to gender identity issues. Getting "ma'amed" is validation and acceptance, and to a group of people who are often vilified, rejected or ridiculed, validation and acceptance is a very, very big deal.

Carol

[ReineD]

I do get it. I was more interested in the differences in motives. :)

[NathalieX66]

I have been ma'amed in public a number of times. For me, it affirms that people see me as a woman, not some guy in a dress. I guess I'm doing something right.

[AllieSF]

"1. Those of you who feel appreciated for a job well done after having spent years working toward this, combined with a sense of relief as you discover the CDer lynching mobs had been figments of your imaginations.

2. Those of you who feel you are finally being recognized for who you truly are inside."

For me it is more or less number 1. above. However, since I go out so much I do not go into that special zone (for lack of a better word) when someone says that to me. However, it is still always nice for me and appreciated by me to hear those gender accepting/respecting words because it sounds so natural and appropriate to me. Occasionally someone will slip up and say "sir". But that really never bothers me.

[Billie Jean]

A lady at a resturant thoght I was the waitress but then she wasn't looking up at me and I was in drab. I'm not very feminine looking even when dressed. Billie Jean

[JohnH]

To me it doesn't matter if I am sir'ed or maam'ed. I have been maam'ed when wearing a men's T shirt with a denim skirt and boat shoes, and I have been sir'ed when I was wearing a dress.

Johanna

[Barbara Dugan]

I remember many years ago when I used to work on a Supermarket service counter, we had a crossdresser that visited the store almost every afternoon, he wasn't passable and sometimes the outfits werent the right ones for her because she was very tall..the suits worked very good for her but I remember every time she stopped by to get something and was ma'amed you could see the expression of happiness on her face.
I myself never been out in public but I was ma'amed only once. I had just got a haircut and had my brows waxed kind of thin, I got home and took a shower and got me a close shave then I forgot I need it something from the store, I had my regular jeans , a very tight black t-shirt and my baseball cap...when I paid for my stuff the cashier said thanks Ma'am...I have to admit I felt kind of weird but it was good

[GirlieAmanda]

I can answer that so easily. I just did it last weekend. Got called Miss, got a door held by cute guys, complimented by a VS SA on lip color,etc. It is simply something that generally few ever get to experience. It is one of the ultimates for me. You can't buy a feeling like that. It completes you. I felt at that moment like I was absolutely whole and real and the two sides joined to make one being. It makes me feel like I would love to feel every day of my life. A little microcosm moment.

[PretzelGirl]

I am going to take this one step further. I can see for some that it is even something more than stated here. We go out and many have fears. You worry about the look or the comments. So if you get ma'amed, you not only get something the complete opposite, but it is respect. Respect as a person, respect for who you are. It is simply a common courtesy that feels good to get instead of all the alternatives.

[carhill2mn]

Thank you all so much for your responses! :love:

Other than the people for whom the question doesn't apply, I guess there are two major camps:

1. Those of you who feel appreciated for a job well done after having spent years working towards this, combined with a sense of relief as you discover the CDer lynching mobs had been figments of your imaginations. :)

2. Those of you who feel you are finally being recognized for who you truly are inside. :)

Hi Reine, I think that you have quite accurately summarized the majority of the feelings expressed. I truely enjoy being
treated as I think that a lady would be. Validation and acceptance of my presentation are certainly important to me.