Attempting to Deal with Gender Issues by Speaking with Therapist (but now I can't...)

[SarahMarie42]

I tried to speak to my mother earlier tonight and introduce the possibility of my transitioning...she freaked and began crying, started praying in front of me and claiming that we could never go to church again (yet she seems to be fine with gays and abortions). She claimed that I do not care about her feelings at all and started to suggest that I merely repress everything. What do I do? Mind you, I didn't even say I was going to transition, I just mentioned that I was dealing with gender issues.

[Eryn]

Hmm, how can she assert that you "repress everything" if you are attempting to open up to her about your gender issues?

If her reaction to the discussion is to immediately start praying there doesn't seem to be much hope for a reasonable dialog. That behavior is one small step above putting one's fingers in one's ears and humming loudly.

[Areyan]

SarahMarie, i'm so sorry. :( i had the same outcome with my own mother and i didn't actually want to tell her. sadly for me my mother clocked me. because of my association with trans folk, my insistence that i did not want another man partner and my constant inability to dress like a woman in front of her just gave me away and she asked me point blank over the phone one night if i was a man.

fast-forward a few weeks, here i was thinking it would be ok when i spent a night at her place with the kids one night. well, it wasn't - mother wanted to know everything i could tell her about why i felt trans and what i was going to do about it. eight hours later and after answering an exhausting amount of questions (although not religious) my mother cried and told me she'd never call me by my male name and that i'd always be her little girl.

i'm annoyed because discussing name changes in the past - i have attempted to approach my gender identity issue in the past thinking a name change might assist me. :rolleyes: ya... lol. no. mother was ok with me wanting to change my first name, she did not kick up this much of a stink about it, so i believe it is the "my daughter thinks she's a man and what can i do to stop her" parade. ya.

she also was willing to go along with helping me out with my psychiatry until i told her quite seriously that i was not interested in therapy unless it was with a certified gender therapist or someone qualified to help me with my gender problems. my mother isn't stupid, she knew what this meant. so sorry, this is sadly all too common. i'm in my 30s so perhaps my mother is just too old school to cope with this. i see a lot more success stories from younger trans people coming out to their families.

[Rianna Humble]

If you have another attempt at discussing with your mother, you might ask her why she wants you to repress the knowledge of who god made you?

Please note that you are a who not a what. If you and she believe that god made you and that he doesn't make mistakes then the only conclusion is that he made you transsexual.

[7sisters]

I'm a ciswoman. I'm so very very very sorry this conversation ended this way. While I am definitely on YOUR side, I can understand your mom's reaction. She's old school. I mean look at Cher the singer... a progressive woman who has so many trans fans. She knows she should refer to her son Chaz ... as 'him' and 'he', but I watched a show where she was calling him 'she'. My jaw dropped. And then I realised it takes much time for parents to wrap their brains around all this. And let's face facts, some moms and dads just can't.
Well you have enough of us here to support you and encourage you as you take the long walk to becoming who you want to be. The online family will always be there for you.

[noeleena]

Hi Sarah ,


& your Mum cares about ....your..... feelings . hmmm im not so sure, this sounds so much like its you will shame your Mum for just being you . This is about your Mum not you & no, you are not a mistake so long as you remember that ,

It does take a long time for familys to ajust to some thing as different as this , When your Mum prays tell her to have her eyes opened..

Underatnding is one of the hardest things with in familys more so when your Mum brought you in to this world & as she accepted what she was told when you were born,

For your Mum to change that around is not so easy take your time you now know what to expect ,,,so dont push it , itll make it worse. i know what your Mum is thinking concerning this to a lesser degree im old enough to understand what its like . with family been down that road.

While im writeing this , can you see your G P & have a talk with him / her & explain who you are & why you are this way., & may be get your Mum to have a talk with your or hers .G P....if they have worked with people like us . its just a thought & may or may not work,

Some times comeing from a person from out side the family will be received better. some times.

your Mum may accept others who are different, only ,because they are out side of close family may be a different matter with in family,
as it looks like with you,

Dont get down about this , were here to help ,

Hugs .......

...noeleena...

[Steph.TS]

I have a similar story, I had done alot of research on CD'ing, and TS and the Bible, (I'm not a bible scholar but internet is great) she picked me up from work, and I thought I'd probe the situation, after a while I mentioned that the Bible doesn't actually speak against CD'ing (something my parents told me when they found out several years ago that I CD) she agreed with me, I felt safe and I eased into telling her that I could find anything in the Bible that spoke against gender transition, that when she start telling me that she thought that if I did that I wouldn't make it into heaven, other times she said that I'd destroy the family if I did it because my dad just couldn't accept it etc...

I'm working through these issues, but what I am doing is small changes to make me feel better, on Wednesday I had a consultation for laser hair removal, and I'm starting with my underarms and chest, planning on removing 2 moles for cosmetic reasons, and I'm trying (through therapy) to build myself emotionally to handle transition. (I have no one locally to support me if I go through with this)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

sarah this is a shame for you..i'm sorry it happened...

for what it's worth, i didn't tell my mom until my 40's! and she said the same thing...in fact, she told me a LONG story about how she kept secret feelings for someone all the way back until high school!!!!
I couldn't believe she told me that ..and she said some things are better left alone....

i have no doubt of my mothers deep love for me... and today she is incredibly supportive of her middle age daughter....

either your mom is gonna get there or not..either your mom cares enough to try or not..
your ONLY option is to keep trying, let her know the truth that YOU KNOW IS THE TRUTH and right now she doesnt..

there are LOTS of parents that feel like they are protecting us and we have to show them how we really feel before they trust us and go against their parental instinct to protect us

what i'm saying is that all in not lost...it's not a good outcome right now, but now you need to bear down and show your mom how important this is and how much you love yourself and then let her either come to you or not..

btw...mymom is very religious too...

[Aprilrain]

I'm going over to my parents house to tell them in about an hour. My mother is very Catholic. Wish me luck.

Your mothers overly emotional, dare I say theatrical, performance was designed to shame you. I hope you recognize this. I'm sure your mother loves you very much but parents are not above manipulation. Her response was all about her. Nothing you wrote about your mothers response shows any concern for you which isn't to say she doesn't care she probably does. She reacted based on how she thought this impacted her life not yours.

Do you need your mothers approval to see a therapist or just her money? Because if it's the former you may never get it. The money issue can be worked around especially if you live in a metro area, often there are low or no cost options available.

[SarahMarie42]

Hmm, how can she assert that you "repress everything" if you are attempting to open up to her about your gender issues?

If her reaction to the discussion is to immediately start praying there doesn't seem to be much hope for a reasonable dialog. That behavior is one small step above putting one's fingers in one's ears and humming loudly.

Well, she has a mood disorder and isn't "fire & brimstone" religious. She is a lifelong liberal who advocates gay marriage rights, and easy access to abortion services. I just think she prays when her mood dives and she feels hopeless. To be honest, I don't really show much of my inner femininity, as it's easier not to, so she probably didn't see it coming. I'm a bit of a tomboy, anyway, so that may also make it harder to see.

As for the rest of it, I can provide you with an update. Although my mother initially responded quite negatively, she eventually calmed down and decided to start researching transgender issues in order to better understand; she informed me that her only wish is that I do not behave recklessly and that I receive the proper psychiatric assistance with understanding and dealing with my issues.

"I have a similar story, I had done alot of research on CD'ing, and TS and the Bible, (I'm not a bible scholar but internet is great) she picked me up from work, and I thought I'd probe the situation, after a while I mentioned that the Bible doesn't actually speak against CD'ing (something my parents told me when they found out several years ago that I CD) she agreed with me, I felt safe and I eased into telling her that I could find anything in the Bible that spoke against gender transition, that when she start telling me that she thought that if I did that I wouldn't make it into heaven, other times she said that I'd destroy the family if I did it because my dad just couldn't accept it etc..." -Jen CD.- (Sorry, I couldn't get the quote bubble to work u.u)

Also, one of my best friends is working on attaining his theological doctorate, and he would agree with you so far as to say that it isn't an ultimately condemning action. He would presumably disagree in principle (as he voiced that disagreement when I spoke with him), but he would not condemn or judge.

[arbon]

Hi SarahMarie - Sorry to hear that it went the way it did. With my mom, who has been grieving the loss of her son now for going on 9 months. Several times a week she reminds me about just how hard this is on her. I had to learn how to detach to some degree. I still love hre but realize it is her reaction, her opinion, her crap really and not mine. I still have to live as myself and do what I need to do regardless. I wish it was not so hard on her, but understanding that I am not the one making it hard on her, she is.

[SarahMarie42]

Yeah, I think it helped to explain that (regardless of what happens) I'll pretty much be the same person, but I will be a person who is complete, a person capable of expressing the full range of my traits and feelings. Now, as I said before, I'm not entirely certain of what I will do, but I know I'm happy to finally be figuring it out.

Arbon, I do hope that your mother soon ceases to mourn over the loss of a son, and begins to rejoice over the gain of a daughter.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Yeah, I think it helped to explain that (regardless of what happens) I'll pretty much be the same person, but I will be a person who is complete, a person capable of expressing the full range of my traits and feelings. Now, as I said before, I'm not entirely certain of what I will do, but I know I'm happy to finally be figuring it out.

Arbon, I do hope that your mother soon ceases to mourn over the loss of a son, and begins to rejoice over the gain of a daughter.


you may have to do it without her support...however, its quite common for parents to come around when they see their own fears are unfounded...it's still going to feel like a loss to them though..
i did a number of presentations with a young transguy, and his story was that at 17 he was thrown out...he got a job as a guy, started transition, went to community college at 20 and in his 2nd year his dad came to him and said he loved him and asked him back!!! it happens

[SarahMarie42]

And I still haven't told my dad that I even cross dress. O.o

[Areyan]

And I still haven't told my dad that I even cross dress. O.o

lol.... not laughing at you but thinking of my own father. i'm sure my mother has blurted this news to him and he has gently probed before but he has also told me he thinks transition this late in life is unfair on everyone else and too much to cope with. that told me right there that i have a massive fight on my hands to achieve my happiness and go against my parents' wishes. as much as i love my parents and i know they love me, i know i'm going to have to break their hearts and let them deal with it while i approach my future. arbon's mother sounds much like mine and i dun expect my dad to rejoice over gaining a son any more than she will for awhile too.

good luck! i'm not going to tell you to expect miracles either but like Kaitlyn Michele said above, with time they can come to accept. i have my fingers crossed for you and myself. :)

[SarahMarie42]

My dad's always saying "I treat you like a man" and "It's my job to make you into a man", so "I'm pretty much a girl" won't hold too well with him. Maybe I could say I'm "man enough to be a woman"?

[Sejd]

Dear Sarah Marie
You did the right thing to try and talk to your mom about it. But remember, this is hard stuff for parents to handle. Just keep on and try to educate her on the matter. You seem quite young, so you have a good chance here. Don't give up. I have a daughter who is gay and who also has real gender issues. She dresses in a way which makes me want me to scream, but I treat her with a lot of love and understanding because I know how she feels. You mom doesn't have a clue how you feel, so she's shell shocked. Give it some time, but don't give up. give her some books to read, movies are also good. I'm thinking of the movie "Kinky boots" a wonderful movie which brings the gender issue to life :0)
Hugs
Sejd

[SarahMarie42]

Oh God, not Kinky Boots xD. That movie is toooo funny, but I'm not in any way into men (other than occasionally wondering what it would be like to be wined and dined). Everything's going well with my mom now, she just wants me to be careful, and she's been doing her own transgender research :]. I'm much more worried about my father.

[Allana W]

BTW Sarah Marie, regarding the Bible and CD'ing the only clear passage I have found is in Deuteronomy 22 / 5-6: "The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garments: for all that do so are abominations unto the Lord they God." I went to church as a kid, but I am not religious. I do find the Bible and other religious scriptures interesting as quasi-historical records. I think it's important to remember that much of what is in the bible is related to the laws of a culture that existed two-three thousand years ago on the other side of the planet and shouldn't be taken too literally or seriously. For example on the previous page of Deuteronomy 21 / 18-21 is says, and I paraphrase: that if a man has a rebellious son he should be taken to the city gates and stoned to death by the community elders! If this had been taken literally by our parents, few of us would have survived to age 20.

Allana

[SarahMarie42]

I am somewhat religious, but I believe that there are different paradigmatic shifts when it comes to man's relationship with God (at least when I'm discussing Christian theology). Also, only the Jews had to follow the 613 commandments laid out in Mosaic Law, as they were to serve as an example to all humankind (which is what "chosen people" really means, it's more a burden than a blessing). Gentiles really only have to follow the few commandments related to the teachings of Jesus, and according to most Christian theology, Jews are not obligated to follow the 613 commandments now either. Even some Jewish sects believe in the paradigm shifts (such as the more liberal reform Jews). My friend (who I mentioned earlier) clearly indicated to me that the aforementioned passage in Deuteronomy no longer holds any legal weight if one is a Christian or even a liberal-to-moderate Jew. I hope this helps any of you who have religious struggles. :]

I often come to the conclusion that I very much want to be a woman, but I'm scared to death about doing it. Absolutely terrified.

[Aprilrain]

Ahhhh, religion and politics

[SarahMarie42]

I'm not judgmental of anyone or myself personally, and my Christian views would fit neatly in the "liberal theology" category; I am very socially liberal. I just think that having some knowledge of theology really helps me in being able to hold these views without thinking myself "heretical".

I'm more of a liberal Quaker, to be honest, and we're all warm and fuzzy (I mean, Religious Society of Friends?)

[Pythos]

My mom's initial reaction to my leggings what seems to be eons ago is one major factor in my not revealing much more. Her hatred of my style is why she is one of the few I hide from.
Sarah I have a good idea of what you are going through, and it is really hard. My dad was indifferent about my styles (skirts excluded, he never knew), and did not understand why my mom reacted how she did, nor why she could not get off my case about my hair.

As stated here it is because she is old school. It also helps not one whitt that she is British, and always trying to appeal to high society.

I love her, as I am sure you love your ma, but there are some areas where seeing eye to eye is impossible.

[AKAMichelle]

Your mom's response wasn't very helpful. Give her time. She will more time to some to accept and she may never be the supportive mom that you hope for.

[Stephenie S]

Remember guys, there's a difference between WANTING to be a woman (doesn't every one?) and BEING a woman. Those who actually transition usually know from the get go.

S

[Stephenie S]

Although my mother initially responded quite negatively, she eventually calmed down and decided to start researching transgender issues in order to better understand; she informed me that her only wish is that I do not behave recklessly and that I receive the proper psychiatric assistance with understanding and dealing with my issues.

Sarah, the above quote represents a WONDERFUL point of view from your mother. You are SO far ahead of the game with this woman. Thank her from the bottom of your heart. She is doing everything in her power to protect you and support you. You cannot ask for a more positive response. Yes dear, thank her. And then try to reward her faith in you by actualy doing what she wishes. Get good psychiatric care and DON'T do any thing recklessly.

Stephie

[Katesback]

This has been discussed many times so I am not going to write a long post here.

What I will say is that transition involves you making the decision and executing it. When I say you execute that decision that means you take the good with the bad and go forward because you have to and the views and opinions of other people have no bearing on this. You were not born to do the bidding of other people!!!!!!!!!
Katie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Remember guys, there's a difference between WANTING to be a woman (doesn't every one?) and BEING a woman. Those who actually transition usually know from the get go.

S

sorry stepanie..this is total complete utter baloney...and the reason i am saying that is from my own personal experience, and the personally observed experience of many people that i know, that have very successfully transitioned.

[Stephenie S]

Come now, how many people do you know who transitioned without knowing they were female?

Did they just decide one day to try it out?

Most TG women I am aquainted with know and knew long before transition.

Stephie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

ok. for starters? me
also , my best friend and 2 other close personal friends (one ftm)
and many people in my therapy group..at least 3 not including me.
and every one of us is in the middle of or has completed successful transitions.
and i bet you a nickel many people on this forum..

i'm not trying to split hairs...there are lots of "wannabe" transsexuals and folks that "wish and fantasize" about womanhood ..but its for other reasons..
those people certainly exist, and many of them talk and talk and talk about transition, and they ask alot of detailed questions about what it's like to be "24/7"
if they try to step towards transition the misery of it stops that idea pretty quick..

but it's not a prerequisite of transitioning as a transsexual to have known your whole life..i wish i knew my whole life..

[Stephenie S]

Well we must be splitting hairs here.

I said there is a difference between WANTING to be a woman and knowing that you are a woman. In a tongue in cheek manner, I asked, "Doesn't EVERYONE want to be a woman?"

I actually don't know anyone, nor can I imagine anyone, transitioning because they WANT to be women rather than knowing that they are women.

If you transitioned actually NOT knowing then you and your therapist were irresponsible.

I know that's not true, so we must be misunderstanding each other.

I was taking a point on the number of people who seem to WANT to be women. IMHO, you have to know before you leap. That's the whole point of therapy and the RLE. You have to know.

Perhaps we are arguing the same point.

Stephie

[SarahMarie42]

I think you are splitting hairs x] I think everyone is probably certain before they begin, but they haven't necessarily ALWAYS been sure.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

the reason i usually jump in when i see this point is that i know there is a group of people who make a big deal out of this issue.. the "true" transsexual crowd
i had a therapist who years ago consulted a person that said i would have known since i was 5 yrs old ...then i was told to go home and enjoy my crossdressing ..this was one of the most painful things i ever went through

no worries...

[Katesback]

Having worked with a large number if trans people I can say that the overwelming majority of those that go through with transition say the same thing. They knew from an early age. Just my observations nothing more and nothing less.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i guess as i read this thread the hair splitting i'm making is what I call "knowing" is REALLY REALLY KNOWING.....
i was wishing i was a girl since i can remember, but i never felt like I knew anything..it felt more like I wished I was female, and i couldn't understand why i got stuck as a guy..

sorry for all the hubbub....bub

[Stephenie S]

In the interests of full disclosure however, I have to admit that I knew from as far back as I can remember.

I also knew that I could do nothing about it.

Then I learned differently.

S

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i think steph you nailed it...i thought I knew there was nothing i could do about it....i never thought about it that way..