Random crying episodes.

[Ziko]

Not sure if this is the right forum for this, but oh well. Maybe I can get some help here...
Anyway, I'm 23 years old and in the US Navy. Almost constantly deployed on a ship. I'm currently at my home port in Japan, though.

This is really lengthy, for that I'm sorry. If you don't want to read it all, just read the bold.

I've been in the Navy 2 years come June. I've been forward deployed (3 months out to sea, about a month in port, then repeat) since August 2010. I'm female, but identify as an FtM transsexual. I pass incredibly well (that is to say, I look like a dude), and I just go into 'guy mode' when I'm off-base or on liberty (off-work). But while I'm on the ship and/or on base, I'm a female and everyone treats me as such (except really close friends). I'm basically living a double life, which is kind of stressful, but I've been doing fine for almost a year with it (at this command).

About two months a go, I had a small pregnancy scare, which really ****ed me up. After that, I had the worst period ever in terms of pain, emotions, etc., which I'm kind of thinking was more of a miscarriage and less of a period. Ever since then, my clinical depression (which I never told the military about, but I was diagnosed with as a kid) has been acting up a lot, and has just gotten continually worse.

About a month a go, it all went to shit. Someone did something that pushed my buttons and I blew up-- angrier than I had ever been in my entire life. I was screaming at my friend to shut the **** up and get the **** out of my workcenter. Ever since that time, I've been crying at least once every day. I had managed to hide it for a week or so, but then I just threw a ****ing crazy crying fit one morning and I was forced to go talk to the chaplain (kind of like a priest/counselor thing, what you tell him doesn't go through your chain of command-- it's confidential).

I told the chaplain everything about being FtM, and basically all he did was "wow living a double life is hard." I kind of figured he wouldn't really be able to help me, but it felt better to let it all out anyway. I told him I'd been suicidal every single period I've had since I've been on the ship, but the last one was the worst, where I had spent 3 days planning out my death to the finest detail. But I had blamed it all on hormones, on account of as soon as I stopped bleeding, I wasn't suicidal anymore. Just really ****ing depressed. I told him I never told anyone I had suicidal feelings, because the watchbill that'd be made would have to be all females (since I'm female) and that'd just make my suicidality worse.

... He told me I had to check in with him every day, to basically give the "Yep, not gonna kill myself today" spiel. We've been having small chats ever since, and recently he referred me to military one source for counseling. However, I've been sitting on my ass to calling them because m1s is based in the US, doesn't offer their face to face counseling in Japan (where I am), and their phone and internet counseling services are "inappropriate" for "serious or long term issues". According to their FAQ.

After 45 days of seeing no land, the longest I've ever been underway with no breaks(thanks to Japan's tsunami and earthquakes, sorry to say), I thought that finally BEING HOME and off the ship, and "destressing" in 'man mode' would make everything better. But now my crying fits are worse, and more numerous. I don't even know what I'm crying over anymore.
I feel like I've just been shit on. I know what the answer is-- suck it up or get out of the military (Transsexuals can't do anything in the US Military). I don't like either of those options because I really love the military. But I really want to get on hormones, get SRS, etc.

I mean, I've been in a rung of bad luck lately as well-- one boyfriend is leaving for the states, another bf started dating a girl I don't like (it's an open relationship-- I'm poly), I have to move out of my house, the apartment I'm moving into I keep getting lost walking there and I keep getting locked out, my roommates don't seem to want to give me a key, I generally feel unwanted and that I'm a hindrance to everyone, and there's the added thing of me trying to make new friends but them just treating me like a dyke rather than a guy. And I just learned that everyone in my department knows I went to the chaplain, and I'm constantly paranoid they're talking shit behind my back about it.

I'm used to bad luck. I've dealt with stupid shit like this before. But now it's like.. Certain things I could just let blow over, now I can't even listen to. Yesterday I had to leave a group early because I was getting frustrated over sex jokes. If anyone calls me "girly" I get super upset/angry when I used to let it not affect me.
I don't understand why I'm so sensitive to it now.
I just wan to go back to living my version of a 'normal' life and you know... Not cry every day over bullshit, and be able to talk to my friends without getting upset.

[StaceyJane]

I'm so glad you went to see the chaplain. You're right seeing the chaplain takes things out of the chain of command and doesn't have the stigma of seeing a mental health specialist, especially on a ship.

Many of us have felt the same way. Being transgender is tough wether you are MTF or FTM.

[Michelle.M]

Ziko,

I am active duty as well, and for me the answer was simple - leave the military and pursue transition.

I understand your inner conflict, but you are literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. Nothing will change under your present set of conditions. If you cannot adapt in your current situation (ie: live a double life, or live androgynously or live part-time male) then some of those conditions must change. Either suppress what's going on inside (bad idea, IMO) or change something external to you.

I changed something external. I decided to leave the military and am now 11 months from end of my service. That was my way of changing my conditions.

I hope this works out for you, remember, you're not the first one this has happened to. There are military trans organizations you can contact (prolly not in Japan), but at least make an email contact and get someone who can share with you their experiences.

[christinac]

I'm glad to hear that you are seeing your (I assume) Company Chaplain. Speaking as a former Commander I would have ordered you to see the Company Chaplain at the first sign of mood swings especially after the first major blow up. I've found in my twenty-three years of service that not only does the chaplain take things out of the chain of command, but the chaplain has better success at helping crewmen/women root out and deal with personal issues because they actually try to help the person deal with the issue. The Physic Department is almost absolutely useless because all they seem to know how to do is pump a person full of bleeping pills and when that doesn't work they boot them out the door on a Medical Discharge.

You also may want to get a blood work up done ASAP because your hormones may be off balance and that can cause all kinds of issues in both males and females.

[7sisters]

Dear Ziko. If it is a hormonal imbalance, and it certainly seems to be one, then you need to take this seriously. See an endocrinologist immediately. I have no idea why they have not suggested it. After a miscarriage of sorts your hormonal chaos can cause anything from anxiety attacks to even hallucinations. I want you to see an endo as soon as you can. Do not delay. A small course of medication will balance you. Thereafter you can think of transitioning hormones if you wish. But first get the hormonal balance internally.

Hormonal chaos is mind altering. I'm a ciswoman who has PCOS which is in remission. But i can tell you that one time it got so bad, I nearly had a heart attack in office. And then later on when I got off my meds, I was so depressed, I actually went to a psychiatrist for help. It was SEVERE. I was in a black hole. I believe even my motor movements had changed.

While it is very tough to pull off a double life, doing it with hormonal imbalance depression is not making things easier. See an endo immediately. I request you. Do not put it off. I cannot imagine why they did not recommend an endocrinologist immediately! Post partum depression or just a weird period should NEVER be taken lightly.

[Areyan]

Ziko, i'm so sorry to hear this. it sounds to me like you are hitting your deadzone point. that's just a personal term i use for the do-or-die phase us trans folk eventually get to when the double life becomes too much. damn that's harsh. i think you know this is coming to a head and you are understandably scared. christina has a point about your hormones and this is all very fine and dandy if you could just suck it up and deal with taking female hormones to fix the issue or something to enhance your natal system but i'm sure if you're anything like me and faced with the possibility of going balmy or taking girl hormones - you take the balmy any day.

i think you're definitely in need of better care for your trans issues and it sounds very tough that you might need to choose between becoming male permanently and pursuing your military career. probably a redundant question but is there another career prospect or job you think you'd like to do as a man that won't put restrictions on your gender identity too much? i know this is probably not helpful to you right now... i only wish i knew of some resources to help tide you over but i am also living a double life of my own and haven't started treatments yet. you have support here and a listening ear, even if that's all we can give you.

you're not alone.

:hugs:

[Chickhe]

I went through depression a few years ago. What you need to do is seek medical help. You do not have to explain 'why' you feel the way you do. Depression is usually caused by lots of issues all peaking at the same time...like the perfect storm. The doctor may give you medication to get you over the initial depression and then you need to modify the way you think about things...its like a feedback loop, you have to realize when you are feeling a certain way and ask yourself if that is the correct emotion. Anyways, I never told my doctor my issues and his basic attitude is it is like any other illness, you will find a cure. As far as the gender issues... make a plan for yourself and stick to it. People around you do not mean to hurt you...they just don't know any better so knowing that, don't feel like thay are attacking you...just join in laugh and know in your head you will get what you need someday soon.

[TxKimberly]

I'm afraid that the very best I can do for you is to let you know that you aren't alone. I too sort of live a double life, though for me it is the exact opposite of yours. When I travel for work, I get to live as female, and when I am home, it's all about being male. It IS emotionally exhausting and sure as hell wears me out. I haven't started screaming at people yet, but I have sat in my car mid way home with tears streaming down my face on countless occasions.
So, I sure dont have a fix for you, but at least I can tell you that your not alone my friend.

For those of you advocating that he seek professional help for depression, keep in mind that in some ways Ziko's life is a bit more complicated than ours. Depending upon your field in the military, simply admitting to depression can end your career. Of course a lot of things have changed since then, but when I was active duty, simply admitting to depression would have resulted in the loss of my security clearance. Only Ziko can decide if things are bad enough to justify taking that risk.

Good luck Ziko, and thank you for serving our nation. My son is out there somewhere too, but he rides UNDER the waves in a boomer. . . . :)

[sandra-leigh]

Depression is usually caused by lots of issues all peaking at the same time...like the perfect storm.

That's the way things happened for me. I was "not so happy" and "wondering if there is more to life" for a number of years, but I was getting through. Then a whole series of stressful things happened at the same time, and I dealt with them, but as soon as had finished dealing with what was in front of me, I crashed mentally and I was quite bad for more than a year, and I've been working on managing the situation since. Except in my case, I was too sick to think about suicide. When I finally started to get better, my thoughts of suicide were not feeling that I wanted to die, but rather strong feelings that I needed the situation to change but feeling powerless and feeling that it never would change. One of the worst things about Depression is that it often destroys the feeling of hope.

I wasn't living a double life when my depression hit; I didn't even know I was a cross-dresser then. My situation has consistent with the possibility of my brain centers being a mix of genders internally and my brain at perpetual conflict with itself. Anti-depressants got me back out in public and got me to the office and able to resume doing something productive, but they didn't cure me.

What I have learned from my several years of treatment from depression is that there are parts of the brain that anti-depressants can "shore up" enough for the regular repair mechanisms to rebuild: anti-depressants can make a big difference that way. On the other hand, if the reason that those parts of the brain were not working properly is chronic rather than episodic (e.g., due to a physical injury) then when you stop taking the anti-depressants, the chronic problem can start wearing away again, leading to the same problem. One may need to continue anti-depressants (at least periodically) -- or one may need to change the chronic circumstances.

If you weren't in the service, then I would recommend therapy. It has helped me cope in numerous ways, most of them hard to define.

[ReineD]

For those of you advocating that he seek professional help for depression, keep in mind that in some ways Ziko's life is a bit more complicated than ours. Depending upon your field in the military, simply admitting to depression can end your career. Of course a lot of things have changed since then, but when I was active duty, simply admitting to depression would have resulted in the loss of my security clearance. Only Ziko can decide if things are bad enough to justify taking that risk.

Zico I wish I could say something that would help too. :hugs: I'm a cisgender female and I can only imagine the pressure that you, Kim, and other transfolks must be feeling trying to live a double life. :sad:

And add this to the hormone fluctuations in what sounds like an early miscarriage (I had two such episodes, plus a miscarriage in the second trimester), and you've got a double whammy. Plus, I'm wondering if you are having conflicted feelings with your body doing things that are in opposition to your gender identity, that might be leading to feelings of depression. AND not feeling free to be open with the medical people in the military. It's got to be very, very tough.

No wonder, as a human being, you're feeling overwhelmed and you're reacting emotionally. Anyone would.

But, like Kim said above, only you know how much of this you can take. Can you withstand all the mental and psychological pressure, for the sake of your job? Is this what you want to do?

In all human beings, male and female, emotions are useful in that they alert us when something is going on. So, maybe you do need to pay attention to your emotional state, which might be telling you there is a conflict that needs addressing. I'm worried that by not addressing it, you open yourself up to some damage down the line.

I know nothing of how the military operates; could you take a leave of absence for medical reasons? And then you could take your time and breathe a bit, and talk to a gender specialist? I also do think for now you need to follow 7sisters' advice and get your hormones checked to rule out any complications there.

No matter what you decide to do, I'm pulling for you! And please, if you decide to stay where you're at, post here often to unload and help relieve the pressure, OK?

:love:

[Areyan]

i would advise caution with taking anti-depressants, especially during this time. i was going through my own mental breakdown over too many changes in my life and i was majorly gender crashing - not knowing what the hell was happening to me at the time when i went to see my doctor for help. we decided to start me on some SSRI anti-depressants that i'd already been on before without issue in my past. this proved to be too much for my system and was not a good thing for me on top of everything else. within six weeks on this medication that worked previously i was feeling suicidal and hearing voices. i'm not schizophrenic by the way, this was purely a medication side-effect. :straightface:

this medication is dangerous and i'm one of the unlucky ones who suffered a negative side-effect on it. even my doctor was puzzled about why i had such a negative reaction. as Reine said above about emotions serving to tell us something is wrong, i misread my "depression" when it was really a gender crash. my strife and horrific emotion were driving me to see my transsexualism and in my denial i tried to treat it with anti-depressants! don't do this! if you are gender dysphoric it won't help.