One Simple Sentence

[Sara Jessica]

Hello. Hope no one minds if I put up a tent here in this section. Maybe just for a bit, perhaps I might move in at some point.

You see, I am one like many of us around these parts who is battling a need to transition. Why such a fight? Well I'm a self-described "middle-pather", someone who has built a wonderful life rooted in family & career, mostly because I didn't know any better. And believe me when I say I couldn't imagine having taken any different path to this point.

So having what many might call a nearly perfect life, why on Earth would I want to risk it in favor of something that can have as devastating consequences as transition?

I think pretty much everyone here knows that answer.

Recently, I spent a week in Vegas as part of DLV. Yes, I understand that is a vacation and not "life" but still, it had a profound effect on me. I felt peace upon my return home. I felt loved and at the same time, my heart felt like all was right in the world, just as it did during the trip.

Then this morning came that one simple sentence to blow it all out of the water...

So when are you going to get your hair cut?

Yes, something as innocuous as that put my heart into a vice, a squeeze that I feel from my head down to the pit of my stomach. A feeling I have not felt for weeks as there was a "hair truce" leading up to the trip.

Reading in these pages of late I see stories that weigh on me. I see members of our community that would step on others (ie - the gay community). I see examples of employment discrimination. I see tales of intense struggle. Why would anyone choose to go down a road which would open up their life to such forces?

Again, I think we all know the answer to that.

To explain why a simple sentence such as this would send me reeling, please understand that although I have made an effort to achieve some form of balance in my life, the compartmentalization has been taxing. I find myself pushing as close to a line without going over it, a line which either has yet to be defined or is as I suspect is a moving target. My hair began as an experiment in expression and has become part of me. The easy answer is "cut it and maintain the peace" but I'm finding it impossible to adopt such a feeling.

Honestly, I am scared. I know what I need to do, and also what I NEED to do. And neither option seems to be so optimal from my vantage point. So with that said, I open myself up to the advice of those in this forum. Some of whom know me, many of whom do not, but all who choose to respond I'm sure will have some sage bit of advice based on their unique experiences that will somehow help.

[AllieSF]

Hi Sara, what a well constructed and worded post. My only recommendation, which I think you also know is obvious, is to start therapy to get some help to sort all this out. I do not remember reading that you are already seeing a therapist, so my recommendation. I believe that one of the major issue causers, life complicators and the root of many emotional issues, is the inability to define what is important and necessary and then make the necessary decisions to move forward on the needed path. I think when we have an undecided issue, it quickly starts to take over our thought process and enters into every other decision that we make, many times when it shouldn't. The whole thought process bogs down, little issues become bigger ones, etc. My experience, is to work toward resolving the bigger issue using all the resources (friends, family, friends here, third party counselors, whoever that can help) available. Once that is clear, all the rest of the current and continually growing pile of clutter in your life and thought process will start to disappear. The old adage to keep it simple really means a lot to help one maintain their own sanity and well being. I have followed your path here since I joined 4 years ago. I wish you all the luck and best for the present and, of course, the future.

[Jessinthesprings]

I would never be so arrogant as to suggest what you should do. What is best for you may not be best for me. For me however, I looked at the good and the bad. Like you, I have a wonderful male life that many would be jealous of. A great wife, an adorable son, two teenage step-daughers who are full of independence, and while not the best job out there it's steady pay, and I don't have to deal with the elements. But, there is a conflict on the inside. I want to cry when I lookin the mirror and see that male, and disgusted when I look down in the shower. For me there is no choice for my own mental well being. And there have been how could not accept the change, and I have adapted and made plans to work around them, but was suprised by those who never even batted an eye.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

no one can tell you what to do.. I can tell you a couple things though..

the feeling you have won't ever go away. repressing the feeling will become more and more difficult.. if you don't do anything meaningful about it, you may end up feeling bitter and alone...

it's not fair, it's not even close to optimal as you say...but you here you are....

transition is probably the last resort, but no matter what anyone says, it's doable, and although you RISK everything you hold dear, you may not lose any of it depending on how you approach transition
either way, you do have to start thinking about how you want to live the rest of your life..if they haven't already, the negative feelings you had around that comment will start to bleed into your life...and the people around you will start to feel it..it's just the way it is...

..i have posted one link many many times here....i recall in very very sad times for me i stumbled on it, and it was the very first thing i ever heard or read that described my life....

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

this was a heartbreaker for me, but it was also a motivator to deal with my situation, however you choose to do it..

therapists and groups help alot btw..having the opportunity to say out loud everything on your mind, and to hear experiences from people that are dealing with this is really really helpful

[TerryTerri]

I concur with Kaitlyn and her words mirror my experience quite well. When I began this, I too was 'happily' married with kids and all that stuff. But, I had a really odd dilemma. I was living in heaven and hell at the same time and parts of me felt very petty and guilty for feeling so miserable when EVERYTHING in my life seemed to be so good. But, inside it wasn't and I was quite miserable. When I started thinking of killing myself, it got my attention and I sought help. Wasn't easy to swallow some of the thinks I needed to. But, I also have faith and trust in life and, well one baby step at a time progressed as best I could. My marriage did break up over this. But, something unexpected happened with that. Her quintessential words "I want a husband, not a wife" summed it up perfectly and we got divorced. But, bless her soul, she saw, more than anyone else, the internal struggle I had with this and she did not condemn me. Our breakup was a sad, not a mad thing. Our strongest concern was for the wellbeing of our boys. To this day, she is still the best friend I have ever had in my life and probably will ever have. I was fortunate, I did not 'lose' her. We are no longer married and we live in different households. But, we are still the parents of our kids and we are still best friends. We work together with unconditional love and acceptence of the other (as best as is humanly possible anyway). I did not expect somethng of that nature to transpire. Sometimes unexpected good things do happen. So, don't hold too tightly to the doom and gloom scenario. Life might surprise you.
As for the hair, well by good coincedence, I happen to be a progressive hippy liberal and my long hair is a natural result of that personality. I'm fortunate that my employment has no formal or informal hair conformalities to contend with. So, it's easy and natural for me to 'hide; the truest reason why I have long hair. I've also gone a step further, I've dyed my hair a different color than my normal natural color. I like being a redhead, while my natural color is a brown with too much gray! I tell folks I'm vain and I don't like my gray hairs and I'm sure a few think I'm a bit odd. But, I have had no disrespectful or negative remarks about my hair.
I gotta be me!!! (not that there's any competition to be me!)
Good Luck to you and I say take the abay steps you need to and open up to possibilities that unexpected good things may happen. I certainly did not expect some of the good fortunes that have happened to me!

[sandra-leigh]

My wife doesn't like hair in my eyes or face, claiming that I'm "hiding" behind it. We don't have any formal or informal agreement about my hair style... she just brings up the topic at random. But her suggestion is that I go back to a place that we know does a much better than average job of cutting hair -- a mens' barber, the owner of which has been in business for something like 55 years. A place that prefers to cut hair short. It has taken me about 3 years to grow out to this length and if I got it cut to the style she is thinking I would have to go back to wigs for at least a year. And then there is the emotional dig that the place she wants me to go is about as thoroughly a MALE hair place as you can get in this city.

Oh yes, after years of hating a beard on me, finding it too scratchy, not even wanting to kiss me when I had a beard lest I scratch her... lately she's been suggesting that I grow a beard. At, of course, a time when what I am thinking of is getting my facial hair lasered off.

Her suggesting I get my hair cut to get my bangs out of my eyes, I don't mind. But it does hurt when she unthinkingly suggests I go to a place that is distinctly for MALES.

My gender therapist points out that my wife would probably be offended if I tried to dictate to her how long or what style or color her hair should be. I don't get any say into whether my wife shaves any body parts or gets wax jobs or whatever; my gender therapist feels that conversely, my wife shouldn't have any say into whether I get my facial hair laser removed. But of course I have to live with my wife afterwards and my gender therapist doesn't...

[Aprilrain]

Initially my wife tried making requests/demands about hair removal, among other things. I figured we were getting a divorce anyway so I certainly wasn't going to allow her to dictate how I chose to keep my body. After a couple of months and laser treatments she decided she wanted to have some laser herself, we went together. She still makes suggestions about my hair but not that I get it cut in a male style. She thinks I should use my real hair and have it cut in a short feminine style. I'm less than convinced and will stick with my wig for now, another six months perhaps. Anyway I started transition from the assumption that all was lost so I had everything to gain by sticking to my guns, so to speak, and doing what I felt was right for me. I had been doing what I felt was right for everyone else, hiding my true gender expression, and it nearly killed me. My wife assures me that I'm marginally more useful alive and reasonably happy than dead, for now.

[Sara Jessica]

To all who have taken some serious time to respond, thank you!!! I have lived with your comments for a couple days and wanted to respond when I had time to do so in enough depth to match the effort you have given to me.

Allie, you are very perceptive. Correct, I have never been in therapy. I am my own best armchair psychologist in that I have felt that I know enough about GID, and enough about myself, to the point where I'm comfortable in being bold enough to have provided my own diagnosis. My therapy has been years of interaction with the real world and to a certain extent, the catharsis I find in writing down my thoughts. I agree though that therapy at this point needs to be my next step because...

Kaitlyn, the link you provided is very beneficial. I think it provides an interesting perspective on this thing of ours and the middle-age section really hit home to the point where I had to wonder if it was a fortune cookie or horoscope in the way that it seemed to fit me a little too well.

To everyone else, your personal stores both inspire and reinforce my own fear...and rightly so. Bringing things full circle into therapy should help tremendously. It is an avenue I must seriously consider.

As for the feelings I currently have inside, it's such a conflicted place, to still feel the euphoria of my recent vacation and at the same time to feel the absolute conflict in my heart. I look in the mirror and see hair that is out of control from a guy perspective. Frankly, it is way to pretty for an early-40-something-parent-spouse-business person. Pulling it back in a ponytail only partially solves the perspective of others including the person who I care about the most, my wife. And the other evening at my parents, for my mom to suggest that I'd look better in a mohawk than a ponytail when she saw this particular pro basketball player (cannot recall what team he's on) with a blond mohawk and colorful tattoos all over his body...that was a bit too much. She has been against the hair thing to the point of outright confrontation. She knows of my issues and feels they must be repressed in favor of appearances (what will the neighbors / her relatives think???) and to hold the life I've built together. Sometimes all you can do is...

...sigh.

[Aprilrain]

Good luck. hope you find a qualified therapist soon, remember a therapist job is not to educate you about transgenderism (most clients are well versed by the time they seek therapy) but to help you decide for yourself what is the best path. there is no right or wrong, people will try to persuade you one way or the other with all kinds of advanced manipulation tactics but you must decide for yourself. Search your heart that, is where the answer lies, it maybe obscured by fear, pride, guilt, shame, etc. but its there.
I have no interest in telling you how to live your life but I will say that for me the internal conflict didn't go away until I took the action of seeking out help, really that was just the first step but a very important one.

[Kathi Lake]

Sometimes all you can do is...

...sigh.Amen, sister. Amen.

Sara, this middle path we are on is, as I'm sure you've realized, not exactly the easiest path. This path, in fact, seems to be harder. Sure, we could take the easy road to either side. We could get a haircut, man up, and be the person people want us to be - at the expense of our happiness. We could start hormones, transition, and be the person we feel we want to be - at the expense of their happiness. Or, we can continue to walk a middle path, gliding along the razor's edge between one world and another - and often disappoint both sides - not to mention getting cut deeply along the way.

I'm sure that with each fraction of an inch of hair growth, the picture is getting clearer and your wife is beginning to recognize the woman she already knows is inside. That must fill her with fear. It's sad that something so innocuous as hair can cause such a fuss. Except it isn't innocuous, is it? It is now part of your identity - part of the 'you' that has been repressed for so long. It represents a dream unfulfilled, and a reality that your wife would rather not face. The question is, for the sake of your family, can you put the genie back in the bottle?

Sara, although I was not able to go to Diva, in one way I was glad. I knew that if I had an entire week where Kathi was free to be, I didn't know if I could continue holding on to this slip n' slide. Could I let go? In a heartbeat. But, as I've said before, although I may be happier, would I truly be happier? I don't know, and - a certain person's cheerleading aside (you know who you are, chickie!) - I pray never to find out.

Consider this a virtual hug, my friend. I hear you.

Kathi

[SuzanneBender]

Oh Sara my heart is breaking for you right now! I wish I could be there to give you a big hug and tell you it will be all right, but unfortunately, thousands of miles separate us. So I will send you a big Cyb hug; say a prayer for you and your loved ones tonight; and tell you that in the long run no matter what path you choose your life will be full of joy.

Kathi is right this mid-path is a tough one. It certainly isn't for the faint of heart. No matter which path we choose we will face enormous regret. We MPs have admitted to ourselves who we are, but somewhere along the line our heart was filled with the love and we become wrapped in the warm soft blanket of our comfortable male lives. One minute our mind says we wont be able to take another breath unless we are living authentically and the next minute our mind tells us we couldn't bear our lives without those we love. The challenge is sorting this all out and discovering what is really in our hearts. Is it option A or option B? Could there be an option C that allows us to balance both or is option C simply a pipe dream and we are actually denying an inevitable choice?

A transsexual writer who seems to have the story book life told me over a drink one night that there is always a slight possibility that you will not loose a thing in your life when you transition, but that you must enter the process with the thought that you will loose it all. She then went on to tell me as you weigh your options you must realize that you may also loose everything if you are not honest with yourself and those around you. She then smiled and told me, "Suzanne you are doomed if you do and doomed if you don't so you might as well buy the next round and lets enjoy the moment."

Its hard to tell what is real and what isn't when your mind, heart and soul are full of conflict. Allie's assertion that unresolved issues manage to weave themselves into the fabric of our lives is spot on. Many times issues that have a solution fester into something worse because we may not have a clear view of the entire problem or we may not be looking at it from the right angle. Therapy and support groups are the best way to insure that your thoughts and feelings are correct for the situation. It certainly is a good way to sort our what is in your mind and what is in your heart.

This deployment helped reinforce a fact that I have always known. Life is precious and it is full of gifts, even in this place. Love and joy are possible no matter what the conditions. Gender is simply just one of many conditions.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

How did I miss this thread.


Hello. Hope no one minds if I put up a tent here in this section.

Mind? Mwah ha ha, it's about time.


Maybe just for a bit, perhaps I might move in at some point.

Perhaps, perhaps.


You see, I am one like many of us around these parts who is battling a need to transition. Why such a fight? Well I'm a self-described "middle-pather", someone who has built a wonderful life rooted in family & career, mostly because I didn't know any better.

I use the term "proto-TS" for folks like you...and certain others who show up later in this thread. :-)


I think pretty much everyone here knows that answer.




So when are you going to get your hair cut?


First advice....don't...you'll regret it. I know you might do so, and it'll grow back, but try not to.


Yes, something as innocuous as that put my heart into a vice, a squeeze that I feel from my head down to the pit of my stomach. A feeling I have not felt for weeks as there was a "hair truce" leading up to the trip.

I know that feeling. I felt it when it was suggested I "butch up" a bit in 2009 when I was searching for work.


Why would anyone choose to go down a road which would open up their life to such forces?

Again, I think we all know the answer to that.

Yes, yes we do.


the compartmentalization has been taxing. I find myself pushing as close to a line without going over it, a line which either has yet to be defined or is as I suspect is a moving target. My hair began as an experiment in expression and has become part of me. The easy answer is "cut it and maintain the peace" but I'm finding it impossible to adopt such a feeling.

Yeah, the compartmentalization sucks....so try to do as little as possible. yeah, easy right? I wish it was easy, I wish it was. As I might say, "If I only knew then what I know now."


Honestly, I am scared. I know what I need to do, and also what I NEED to do.

And what you WANT to do. If there is one thing I want you to do in this thread, it's this:

Write it down...make it real...just say it. The words are scary, yes....but it helps to say them and admit it fully, even just here.





the feeling you have won't ever go away. repressing the feeling will become more and more difficult.. if you don't do anything meaningful about it, you may end up feeling bitter and alone...

it's not fair, it's not even close to optimal as you say...but you here you are....

therapists and groups help alot btw..having the opportunity to say out loud everything on your mind, and to hear experiences from people that are dealing with this is really really helpful

THAT, is very good advice, and I recommend taking it wholeheartedly.



To everyone else, your personal stores both inspire and reinforce my own fear...and rightly so. Bringing things full circle into therapy should help tremendously. It is an avenue I must seriously consider.

Excellent.


Sometimes all you can do is...

...sigh.

yes, I do that a lot.


Amen, sister. Amen.

What I said to Sara, applies to you too!


I'm sure that with each fraction of an inch of hair growth, the picture is getting clearer and your wife is beginning to recognize the woman she already knows is inside. That must fill her with fear. It's sad that something so innocuous as hair can cause such a fuss. Except it isn't innocuous, is it? It is now part of your identity - part of the 'you' that has been repressed for so long. It represents a dream unfulfilled, and a reality that your wife would rather not face. The question is, for the sake of your family, can you put the genie back in the bottle?

As I say, the "mini body mods" matter, and people notice.


But, as I've said before, although I may be happier, would I truly be happier? I don't know, and - a certain person's cheerleading aside (you know who you are, chickie!) - I pray never to find out.

And that...would be me.


Consider this a virtual hug, my friend. I hear you.

Kathi

yes.


Oh Sara my heart is breaking for you right now! I wish I could be there to give you a big hug and tell you it will be all right, but unfortunately, thousands of miles separate us. So I will send you a big Cyb hug; say a prayer for you and your loved ones tonight; and tell you that in the long run no matter what path you choose your life will be full of joy.

And what I said to Sara and Kathi, applies to you too!


A transsexual writer who seems to have the story book life told me over a drink one night that there is always a slight possibility that you will not loose a thing in your life when you transition, but that you must enter the process with the thought that you will loose it all. She then went on to tell me as you weigh your options you must realize that you may also loose everything if you are not honest with yourself and those around you. She then smiled and told me, "Suzanne you are doomed if you do and doomed if you don't so you might as well buy the next round and lets enjoy the moment."

Sounds like something Jenny Boylan might say. :-) Did ye buy the next round?


Therapy and support groups are the best way to insure that your thoughts and feelings are correct for the situation. It certainly is a good way to sort our what is in your mind and what is in your heart.

Yes, and of course reading the Transsexual parts of this forum.


Love and joy are possible no matter what the conditions. Gender is simply just one of many conditions.

So true.

Veronica

[Sara Jessica]

Good luck. hope you find a qualified therapist soon, remember a therapist job is not to educate you about transgenderism (most clients are well versed by the time they seek therapy) but to help you decide for yourself what is the best path. there is no right or wrong, people will try to persuade you one way or the other with all kinds of advanced manipulation tactics but you must decide for yourself. Search your heart that, is where the answer lies, it maybe obscured by fear, pride, guilt, shame, etc. but its there.
I have no interest in telling you how to live your life but I will say that for me the internal conflict didn't go away until I took the action of seeking out help, really that was just the first step but a very important one.

Very sound advice April. It kind of reminds me of something a local friend told me, find a therapist who will challenge you (rather than simply punch your card).


Sara, this middle path we are on is, as I'm sure you've realized, not exactly the easiest path. This path, in fact, seems to be harder. Sure, we could take the easy road to either side. We could get a haircut, man up, and be the person people want us to be - at the expense of our happiness. We could start hormones, transition, and be the person we feel we want to be - at the expense of their happiness. Or, we can continue to walk a middle path, gliding along the razor's edge between one world and another - and often disappoint both sides - not to mention getting cut deeply along the way.

Such a powerful analogy Kathi, so descriptive and utterly true.


I'm sure that with each fraction of an inch of hair growth, the picture is getting clearer and your wife is beginning to recognize the woman she already knows is inside. That must fill her with fear. It's sad that something so innocuous as hair can cause such a fuss. Except it isn't innocuous, is it? It is now part of your identity - part of the 'you' that has been repressed for so long. It represents a dream unfulfilled, and a reality that your wife would rather not face. The question is, for the sake of your family, can you put the genie back in the bottle?

This is really the core of the issue when it comes to the hair. Other "mini body mods" (© Veronica ;) ) have a subtlety about them that are much easier to explain away. Hair is an entirely different ballgame.

I asked myself at the dawn of 2011 what would this year bring when in years past I have maded marked changes when it comes to my presentation. At this point, I think managing to keep the hair with a measure of peace would be a good goal for the year.


Sara, although I was not able to go to Diva, in one way I was glad. I knew that if I had an entire week where Kathi was free to be, I didn't know if I could continue holding on to this slip n' slide. Could I let go? In a heartbeat. But, as I've said before, although I may be happier, would I truly be happier? I don't know, and - a certain person's cheerleading aside (you know who you are, chickie!) - I pray never to find out.

Kathi, you are grounded enough that you'd have no issue returning to the routine after something like Diva. If i can do it, you most certainly can. Remember how I started this tale, there was a sense of peace following Diva. I truly don't see the trip as being the root of my feelings. Rather, it's my continual effort to find myself while maintaining that balance thing.

Suzanne & Veronica, your words of encouragement mean so much. Thank you for taking the time to reach out to me. I truly feel your hugs (Kathi's too) as well as the support of the others who replied previously.

[Kathi Lake]

Sara,

I'm so glad you feel the support of those on here. It's odd - here we are on a virtual support forum, and the closest we get to each other (Diva notwithstanding), is our avatars, our pictures, and our words. But you know what? It's enough. Through these posts I feel your concern. I know I have your support. You all feel the same way as well. What a wonderful little community we have here! :)

Mini body mods. I like that. :) Some aren't so mini. I had my fourth or fifth (I suck at math) laser treatment a week and a half ago. Until that time, it didn't seem to be working much. Sure, it cleared some of it out. This week, however, the hair has begun raining out of my skin. I have about 10-20 hairs left on my upper lip area, and sporadic ones here and there left on my face. Oh crap, is it ever real what I've done now! If I wasn't noticeable before, with a hairless face and my prettily shaped brows, I sure am now! I just look different in the mirror. It's getting much easier to see a woman staring back at me - kinda scary, in fact. I've almost crossed a line, it seems. It's like a case of 2 + 2 equaling 47. So be careful of these so-called 'mini' body-mods. Thay can make an overall mega-change.

You are right, of course. I am grounded. As I've said before, whether due to family situations or a freak of genetics, I seem to be very flexible, and almost pathologically sane and normal - boring, if you will. I will be fine with whatever path I choose. Sure, I know which path looks a bit more fun, . . .

:)

Kathi

[Sara Jessica]

Mini body mods. I like that. :) Some aren't so mini. I had my fourth or fifth (I suck at math) laser treatment a week and a half ago. Until that time, it didn't seem to be working much. Sure, it cleared some of it out. This week, however, the hair has begun raining out of my skin. I have about 10-20 hairs left on my upper lip area, and sporadic ones here and there left on my face. Oh crap, is it ever real what I've done now! If I wasn't noticeable before, with a hairless face and my prettily shaped brows, I sure am now! I just look different in the mirror. It's getting much easier to see a woman staring back at me - kinda scary, in fact. I've almost crossed a line, it seems. It's like a case of 2 + 2 equaling 47. So be careful of these so-called 'mini' body-mods. Thay can make an overall mega-change.

Oh Kathi, you are now the poster child for why I chose electrolysis. Aside from the cost factor, the good news is that my little hour or two per month means no overnight major change. The bad news of course is... no overnight major change. Yet the other day my tech made an east-west connection on my chin, between these previously sparse circles on the left and right, below that patch right below the lip, it looks like a neatly plowed field. Had to go home and tweeze the rest!!! No worries, I'm heading out on Saturday so it had to be done eventually. We'll have to see how it looks when it starts growing back.

BTW, there is a new change for me in 2011, my first eyebrow waxing was in Vegas and I got it done again last night. Gotta make sure my elephant is well taken care of ;). As for you, 2+2=47 is the calling card for the elephant in YOUR room to join mine on a chorus line!!!

[Jorja]

As I have said several times before here, I transitioned 20 years ago. The same fears, problems and difficulties exist today as they did back then. Should I transition or shouldn't I? If I do transition, will I lose everything I have worked so hard for? If I don't, can I survive and be the man I need to be? Can I be happy? Will I be accepted? Do I stay in the middle of the path for the rest of my life? The list goes on and on.

The things I can honestly tell you is, there IS life after transition. It takes a while to adjust to all of the changes that took place to get here. By that I mean mentally, physically, emotionally, and realtionship wise. Can a Transsexual woman be a success? The answer is yes she can. Can she ever be happy? Yes she can. Will she ever be accepted? Yes she will for the most part. Will she ever regain those she lost along the way? For me yes, there is only one person that will not speak to me or have anything to do with me because of my choices. Guess what? While I would like to have this person in my life, I really don't miss them or need their negativity. Does all of this happen automatically upon transition? No, you have to work very hard to get to this point.

It sounds like you have thought very long and hard about your situation and you know the answers. You have done well on your own to this point. Now it is time to enter therapy to sort all this out and make some decisions.

[Kerigirl2009]

I have heard that same sentence from my wife, she asked it almost daily until I finally broke down and cut it. about 5 inches off, I hated to cut it but to keep the peace I did. I would love to have long hair that I could learn to style in a feminine style and still work in male mode.

I don't think my wife really had a problem with me growing my hair longer I think the problem was she knew WHY I wanted to grow my hair longer.
I hope you come to the correct answer for yourself and that be what keeps the peace.
Good luck

Keri

[LisaM]

Sara,
I sometimes wonder why I sign-in so often on this site and then out of the blue I read a post like this. It breaks my heart. I feel your pain in every sentence. I do because I live through the same pain.

I don't have any advice that you haven't already heard--take the little steps that you can, put one foot in front of the other and live one day at a time. There are no easy answers and all of us take different paths. Conferences like DLV and SCC are wonderful avenues to meet so many others that struggle with similar issues. The spiritual high that I return from them is regularly deflated when the real world returns. I was at SCC last year and was really enjoying myself when my spouse called me on Saturday morning and asked me to come home. Like you, my bubble burst real quickly and I left that morning.

Remember, there are many of us that struggle with the same issues. I pray often that all of us can find the peace we are looking for.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

find a therapist who will challenge you (rather than simply punch your card).

Good advice.


Other "mini body mods" (© Veronica ;) ) have a subtlety about them that are much easier to explain away. Hair is an entirely different ballgame.

Though the little ones can add up as well, a nice mani on it's own might not get as much notice as a nice mani+ tweezed brows + long hair.


Suzanne & Veronica, your words of encouragement mean so much.

Somebody has to do the "cheerleading"



Through these posts I feel your concern. I know I have your support. You all feel the same way as well. What a wonderful little community we have here! :)

Nods.


Mini body mods. I like that. :)

:-) First used the phrase years ago.


Some aren't so mini.

That's right.


If I wasn't noticeable before, with a hairless face and my prettily shaped brows, I sure am now! I just look different in the mirror......So be careful of these so-called 'mini' body-mods. Thay can make an overall mega-change.


As I have said, they add up.



hould I transition or shouldn't I?

That's the big question. :-)




Sara,
I sometimes wonder why I sign-in so often on this site and then out of the blue I read a post like this. It breaks my heart. I feel your pain in every sentence. I do because I live through the same pain.

Ditto.

Veronica

[RobertaM]

Sara, this is your blast from the past gf.

I cant add much to the very supportive and sugguestive comments.

I can add, that i totally understand, you kow how fast my girl side came out. Well my hair grew out too and now is shoulder length. It was no way im cutting it. But im seperated and out at work. Its a thing with us trans girls, we do things to make us feel femme, small steps, big steps, and we struggle, sometimes we back up or not. So i just want to give u a hug and support u. You look so femme and so are struggling with your femme balance. I feel your pain Sara. I do.

Hugs from Vancouver