Support groups, good or bad?

[gretchen2]

I have been thinking about support groups and why some of us go to them. For me when I started my transition almost one year ago I needed to be around other people like me who had the same mind set and some of the same problems. Those problems being, finding a trans friendly doctor, incorporating my new life into my old life, employment, hormone issues, relationships, discrimination, SRS ect… I was going to the meetings in the beginning once a week and as time went by I was going less frequently. I started to become depressed going to these meetings and they were no longer support. Every time I would go I would hear the same sad stories, there was rarely a positive note. So last Saturday I went down to Denver for a meeting and as usual there were tears and anger towards society, and it was the same old issues again. I left early because I could not listen to any more of these depressing issues. As I was driving home I started to think about how lucky I am to be where I am at in life. Sure I have my issues with the early stages of transition but when it comes right down to it everything sort of falls into place for me. I like being around other TS people and I enjoy there company but finding TS people who are living life on a positive note seems to be difficult. I know they are out there I have met a few of them but they seem to be few and far between. So what’s your take on support groups, do they help you or hinder you?

[AKAMichelle]

There is a time and place for support groups. They provide a service which is greatly needed in the community, but like everything else in life things change. You move past that need and you are ready to progress to another level. The next level require more selective connection to people because you are starting to live as a woman. You want people who can help you through the next phases of your transition. I know you are moving along in your transition and doing fine, but many others need what support groups offer.

Good luck to you in your transition. Several of us are meeting tonight at Santa Fe Tavern in Denver for karaoke at 9PM. It would be nice to see you again.

[Angel.Marie76]

I'm kinda fluxing with that issue myself these days, to some extent. I have been attending a support group, which is generally once a month, at which I have been hearing, saying, and doing many wonderful things for our community. Of course, we'll here about people's bad times, and along with that, there should almost always be at least one or two good stories to offset that. Support groups aren't for everyone, and as the therapist who came to our last meeting noted; 'We must all be good consumers, of materials, information, and services. If a therapist we're going to doesn't meet our needs, we should try and find another.. same goes for relationships.. '. If I were to relate this to your situation, I would easily fit this statement into your position and the group you're attending. Sure - there aren't a lot of groups for Transfolk about, and that's something that may come and go with time. Further, groups IMHO, should not always be negatively oriented. It almost sounds like the group you're attending is more of a 'group therapy' session than a general support group, however, I don't know how one can differentiate the two off-handedly.

What I do know is that a support group should be exactly that, SUPPORTIVE, and understanding that perhaps people don't always want to leave crying, even if venting was absolutely appropriate and understandable. Perhaps suggesting to members of the group on a change of format.. allowing for venting and issues to be brought forward at the beginning of each meeting, and then allowing for positive, enlightening conversation to fill the end.. I don't know, honestly, the 'best' way to hold a meeting. The only examples I can provide are the ones from my own group in the Northeast.. we show up, we have a snack.. We go over priorities and events, and then we have a chance to vent.. by the end of the meeting we often end up in a scatter of people cliqued together in small sets talking about whatever.

In the grand scheme of things though, the purpose of attending support group meetings is something YOU personally need to work out. If you're not getting anything positive from the meeting, then it doesn't make sense to me to keep going. They're not for everyone, sometimes they're helpful, and sometimes they're not. I've been going less and less to my meeting.. generally about every other month or so.. mostly because I'm running a little dry with things to say or talk about or be supportive about. I am in a particular place in my life where nothing is changing these days (thank the goddess) and I'm in more of a holding pattern. To other members of the group, both new and old, I am a positive piece of the group because of my experiences. Many of those experiences I've even talked separately about over email to members.. Any way you cut it, I've said what I've said, and heard what I've heard.. and the things I see and hear are getting a tad on the stale side from time to time. Also, it seems that the group I've been attending is growing significantly these days, and at the last meeting had the most (I would say easily double) amount of people I've ever seen there. That, of course, is great on many fronts.. however I might be happier spending that time hanging out with my GG or GM friends these days. It seems that my non-trans friends are giving me more useful input these days on new things I'm dealing with just because I ask.. and they're happy to 'teach' and be taught.

Soo.. I hope you take something useful away from my babble here, as I do wish you the best. :)

[Michelle.M]

Every group (support, work, family, etc) has its own character and level of maturity, just like the people who make up those groups. If one does not fit try another.

I have only attended one meeting so far of mine, and it was pretty good. No hopeless sob stories, bitterness or despair. Lots of trans women at various stages of transition and at various levels of success. So far so good, I will be returning and hope to get much out of this.

Eventually it will be time to move on. The key is to realize this is inevitable, and to be smart enough and have enough courage to go when it's time to go.

[Katesback]

For the most part I feel a support group for TS girls is not helpful. The sad fact is that most of the girls that go on to live a reasonably successful life outgrow support groups. That leaves the girls that are early in the transition process alone with the girls that have decided to turn thier transition into a fifteen year affair. Or the girls that identify as specifically transgendered and feel they will always be so.

Essentially a support group is often frequented by people that are not going to help someone that is striving to live a normal life.

Now if you do identify as a trans person and want to live that life and become an activist and fight for the third gender and all that sort of stuff then by all means support groups would be great for ya.

Personally I feel that if you are a woman then you should be striving to simply fit into society in a normal way. That means doing things normal women do and joining thier groups and using them as role models!

Katie

[gretchen2]

Kate that is kind of what I have been thinking. I get way more out of the one woman’s' group that I go to over the support groups that I go to. I have been seeing in the support groups that most are kind of stagnant and not really going anywhere, but not all of them are stagnant some do show signs of real progress, and as time goes by you do not see those woman anymore. I do believe that support groups are a good thing, I know that I would not be this far along if I did not go to a support group for TS not transgender in general. I think that if I do go again it will be for the annual Bar-B-Q, because I really do like the woman there.

[RachelOKC]

I've been to some really great support groups and I've been to some really crappy ones. Ultimately they're a reflection of the participants as a whole and how they relate with each other. Stick with the general support group guidelines of encouraging discussion, openness, civility, non-judgement, and constructive feedback, and you'll probably do ok. Do the opposite and see what joy you come up with.

I think keeping a flow of participants through the organization is a must also. When a group has all the same people month after month with few new members, it's going to stagnate quickly. If a group doesn't work to further its own existence with new lifeblood then its not serving as it should.

[Katesback]

Oh the other thing I found common with support groups is that all too often the screwed up people will use the group as a bitch forum for themselves to spend a lot of time complaining how screwed up thier lives are, or how the big bad world is so evil towards trans people. Then there are the activists that will go to the groups and tout all the evil deeds that happen to trans people. Strangely they dont mention all the evil things that happen to people in general. These activists will try to drum up support for trans rights and all that. Finally a really pecular thing I found at support groups was that crossdressers were often present and they of course really have nothing in common with TS girls. The CDs would often get all riled up at the meetings and then hit on the TS girls and if that did not work they would hit on other CDs. Basically it is a mess.

Once again if someone is a lifetime tranny then sure a support groups is probably good but if someone is a woman then they really could do better as I previously said.

[sandra-leigh]

Personally I feel that if you are a woman then you should be striving to simply fit into society in a normal way. That means doing things normal women do and joining thier groups and using them as role models!


Going by your criteria and judging by my immediate family out to my cousins, "normal" women:
- have high-school education
- are pleased to have reached manager of a fast-food outlet
- are either divorced with children, or unwed mothers
- have traveled as much as spending a week at a hotel in Mexico once

True not all of my close female relatives are like that: three of them are university graduates who have more than once traveled around Europe or Asia. As, though, all three choose to become "activists" about various causes, by your criteria they are not "normal" and I should be modeling myself on the other ones. For my own good. To fit in.

[arbon]

Essentially a support group is often frequented by people that are not going to help someone that is striving to live a normal life.


Personally I feel that if you are a woman then you should be striving to simply fit into society in a normal way. That means doing things normal women do and joining thier groups and using them as role models!


Once again if someone is a lifetime tranny then sure a support groups is probably good but if someone is a woman then they really could do better as I previously said.

And the difference between going to a real life support group or spending a lot of time on an on-line support forum called crossdressers.com? Is this more real normal womany like and that is why you are here?

[Melody Moore]

Initially I went to my local support group because I thought I needed it, however I found a bunch of negative people
just like you described. I was virtually told by some of the girls that I was going to suffer this 'huge emotional train
wreck' at some point once I started hormones & here I am 9 months later still waiting for that to actually happen. I
also worked out that the people telling me these things were having the greatest issues in transitioning because the
didn't pass very well & had faced a lot more problems with this than I personally do. Some girls in this group believe
in some sort of 'pecking order'. In other words because I was the 'new kid on the block' because I had just started
on hormones & joined this group, my opinions didn't hold any weight with the group. What a load of bullshit that is!

There are a couple of girls in my group that 'think' they know better than someone like me for example. They are
bitchy & backstabbing. And at least one of them has been trying to cause me a few problems with others in the
group & also with my volunteer work I do as a journalist/writer now for QAHC's Culture Magazine on Gender related
topics. This one girl has an issue & 'thinks' I am trying to take over as the 'official spokesperson' for our local group
which is also a load of crap. I know she thinks this because she has said it to me once, as well as I mentioned to
the manager from QAHC the other day that one the girls from my local group didn't like what I was doing & that one
of them had this belief about me trying to take over as the spokesperson for my local group. The manager said that
he knew exactly who that was. I mentioned this girl's name to him & he said "that's the one". This guy was the same
person who asked me to write for the Culture magazine, because I offered to do my bit to help public education &
awareness for my transgender community. So luckily he takes anything she says with a huge grain of salt now. LOL

This girl trying to cause me problems fails to realise that I have been dealing with gender dysphoria all my life & that I
started learning about what it is to be a intersexed transsexual many years prior to when I actually took my first lot of
hormones. So maybe I have learnt a lot & do have a lot to offer my local community & I am not a new kid on the block.

But not everything about support groups is bad. I have made a few good friends & one of the local trans-girls is now
my best friend. She believes this other girl is jealous & has a chip on her shoulder because she has been on hormones
for over 2 years & doesn't look as feminine as I do & has issues passing and this is the basis of the problem between us.

WTF? this I never though that transitioning was any sort of competition, but apparently with some TS girls it is.

Anyway I still go to my monthly meetings with my local TS group, but I just ignore these types of people like this
now. I go to these meeting because there are some good people there & also to help others who come to me for
help. And that has been happening a fair bit lately since I started writing for the magazine. So I have become a bit
of an icon for our local community, but this is something I did not specifically ask for, but is happening now. I think
some of these new girls can also see the bigger picture & work out for themselves what is going on. I also believe
this girl who has been jealous of me has tried to cause some division between me an a new 78 year old TS girl who
has just joined, because on the day I met her she was asking me the questions & not her after some feedback from
my best TS friend. So these support groups can be bitchy, but if you join one because you are in transition, just
remember it is YOUR JOURNEY you are there for, not theirs!

Just to wrap up my reply here let me tell you a really funny story from last month's LGBT party because this same TS girl
who has been trying to cause me problems was there with another post-op TS girl who is also another backstabber who
thinks she is the 'queen of the group' & knows it all. But the really funny part was when I arrived at that LGBT party that
night they were sitting at a table on their own & watching me the whole time & if looks could kill! LOL Because from the
moment I got there many other LGBT people who I now know & are now good friends were coming up to me giving me hugs
& telling me how good it was to see me. I also get lots of feedback from my local community about my publications at these
events & it has been nothing but extremely positive. The manager of QAHC told me only last week after I submitted my latest
article to keep up 'my good work'. I am not intentionally trying to cause a rift here, but it is happening & I can't do anything
about it. Can they blame me if others choose to come to me now for support because I have been positive & not negative?

Gretchen, if you are a positive, happy, confident person who is secure within yourself, then maybe you have something to
offer those who are struggling. I just say, ignore these negative & depressing nay-sayers & back stabbers who obviously
have issues & be the beacon of light for other people who really do need to support to follow. They will eventually work it
out for themselves - I guess if they don't they just end up a statistic. But we cannot be too concerned about that when
there are so many others out there that need our type of positive support. I talked about this to my pyschologist recently
who also works closely with our local TS group & she told me to keep doing what I was doing because it was 'all good'. ;)

We need more people like you to help others in our community, so good luck with any group you might get involved with. :hugs:

[sandra-leigh]

And the difference between going to a real life support group or spending a lot of time on an on-line support forum called crossdressers.com?

Well, you know that sometimes a real TS accidentally wanders into crossdressers.com, not having noticed the banners about this site being the largest Fetishtic Crossdressing site on the 'net, and Kate wants to be here to be available to rescue them from the delusion that they had anything in common with their crossdresser friends. You have to understand that her postings are Public Service Announcements.

[Cheyenne Skye]

I've been to 4 or 5 meetings of my local group. Some of the meetings were better than others. It seemed like the fewer people that attended, more ideas were exchanged and things ended on a more positive note. When we had close to 30 attendees though, not much was really discussed. Each person got a few minutes to say what was on their mind and by the time each person had a turn, it was time to end the meeting. There were a couple of girls that I feel I could really talk to and a few others that couldn't be bothered. But I believe you would get that in any group. And for a more social atmosphere, the group always goes to a local restaurant for a bite after the meeting. My therapist thinks I should try a Tri-Ess group but I still feel like I'm getting something out of going to this group (if for nothing else but acceptance). I intend to go to another meeting tomorrow actually.

[Hope]

I think it has a LOT to do with the group in question.

Some support groups are great, others are horrifying. Just like the people who make them up.

In my experience, the ones that function like social groups work best, and provide the best positive support - the ones that function like "support groups" tend to have an depressing, icky, AA funk about them. Of course - some AA meetings are awesome too, but that is a separate issue...

There are two primary meetings in my area - one is so notoriously bad that members of the other own frequently attend it just to give any new people in the area a heads up about the other group being different in case they attend and swear off ever returning to a group again. Unfortunately the other group meets at a time when I have to work, so other than meeting a few girls socially and bumping into one of them out and about on one occasion - I have never been able to attend the "other meeting."

But if anyone here is in the Madison WI area - PM me - I am totally in the market for a few sane girlfriends.

[Bree-asaurus]

I like our local group. It's kiiiind of political, but it's also just a good place to meet new people. We have "social time" where everyone just hangs out and chats. It's usually a good place to get together and then break off into whatever groups and go to dinner/club/whatever. It's not one of those downer AA type groups. You make new friends and that in itself is a great form of support.

[Charlena]

Sienna in Louisville Ky. has been very good for me. I can see myself becoming an integral part in the future. Sienna does several Trans-gender Awareness events in Louisville. I am kinda proud of them. I need a passionate cause at this part of my life. Love Lena Gayle



An old hippie still trying to change $hit. Peace to you and all you love.

[Felicity71]

Support Groups for me have been good. Connecting physically with various M2Fs strengthened my understanding of what life I might have after transition. Of course the group wasn't just TS but a mix of CDs and Andros. Young and old. With such a diverse mix the inevitable happens where people start to irritate others with their behavior. Anyway with the group, I found friends who I occasionally talk to, met someone who showed me what dilation is, what the expectations of surgery maybe, how she interacted with her parents, which gave me hope. Also the information on doctors and psychs was very helpful, and got me started in the right direction. The group I met up with had no structure, it purely was a chance to interact with whoever wanted to talk.

The negatives would be a couple of CDs that were looking for sex, with people. Ive stopped going now as it has become repetitive, and I no longer need it.

[Rianna Humble]

I go to a drop-in at a support group near where I work. Like the group that Allana described there are TS and CD's and it's also a chance to interact with people who know something of what you are experiencing. There is also the opportunity of a session with a professinal counsellor but I have not yet used that.

Unlike Allana's group, there doesn't seem to be any problem of CD's looking for sex and I think the people who run the group I attend would probably stamp down quite hard on that.

Through the social activities after the sesions I go to (people go out for a meal together), I am starting to get to know some of the girls and it's nice to make friendships outside of my immediate circle of acquaintances. More than that, it's nice to be reminded that I am not alone.

[noeleena]

Hi.

For this kid there was / is no groups i could go to with in 130 miles so that sort of said your on your own .
I did meet up with a few dressers & most would not walk the town tho i did get 7 to come out to a big complex for make up . that i thought was pretty good for some.

in some ways Jos my S O was there & we talked about things , other than that i had women friends over many years & i was more comfortable with women any way so i had no need of surport groups as such .

Any way i was happy working things out my self with out being told what i should do .

as for me the groups did not know any thigng about us & if i said intersex it would not work as i found out
later from my friend whos is I S, the point is i did not expect them to know about us . so no blame there.

& being on a forum like here will help in many ways some groups cant . so it can work both ways ,

all the best ,

...noeleena...

[Sharon]

I never belonged to a support group per se, but I did have a small group of friends, most particularly my eventual dearest friend who was at the same stage I was at the time and my sister, who were both instrumental for me when I first started dealing with the assorted issues I was facing. Because of this, I also believe in the value of an organized group as long as they are truly supportive rather than just a collection of nay saying bitch fest enthusiasts. The wrong group can be worse than no group at all in my opinion.

A truly supportive group should not be negative in nature. They should be encouraging and willing to help one another both in an emotional and actual manner. Do not listen to those who say "you must do this" or "you must not do that." You need to find your own path and follow your honest heart and if others in a group insist you are not doing things the "right way," then you need to begin listening to others or, better yet, to your own soul and mind.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

it's helpful to meet other people going through your situation...like all things there is good and bad..

it's silly to say they are no good..."normal" people go to support groups all the time....

if you go and don't like it, then what have you lost??