Regret using CDing as an escape

[Anne2345]

Since joining this forum, I have expressed my deepest appreciation for the members here, and the forum itself. In the short time I have been a member here, I have learned so much about myself, and have grown immensely. I have told my story about my own personal rejection of Anne long ago, and how my relationship with her, with me, has ultimately evolved to acceptance of Anne as an integral part of who I am. I have also explained that I love Anne, that Anne is me, and that I would not trade her for the world.

Based upon a variety of reasons, I have accepted this about myself for well over a decade now. Although there was a time long ago that I would "use" Anne as an escape, I have not done so in a very, very long time. Not that there is anything inherently wrong about having an escape, we all need them, it is just that for me my Anne time was instead about expressing and experiencing the feminine side of my personality. Dressing for me is not about trying to be someone else, or an attempt at temporarily leaving reality behind, rather it is my way of acknowledging the totality and beauty of who and what I am.

As those of you that I have read my story know, I joined this forum because I knew I needed something more. Recoginition of this need was inspired and made possible by a very ill family member of mine. A few days ago, I returned from a two week visit with my family member. It has been very difficult, and emotionally draining.

Last night, I used Anne, and "use" is the correct word, for the first time in a long, long time as a complete escape. Specifically, I used Anne as an escape from my family's reality. Although everything started off well, it quickly went downhill and horribly wrong. It was not right. I now completely regret the manner I which I used Anne. I feel horrible about it, and ashamed of myself. To me, Anne is not to be used, but instead embraced, loved, and accepted as a part of myself. She is me and I am her. That I did this to this part of myself, I feel that I have somehow betrayed or cheapened Anne, and that greatly saddens me. I am quite disappointed in myself, and am struggling to figure it out.

I really do not know what I am asking here, other than to get this out there and express how I feel, but have any of you experienced this type of emotion before? Does this even make sense? I appreciate all of you, and thanks for listening.

[Debglam]

Anne,

First, do not beat yourself up over this! You are under a lot of stress given your ill family member and need to cut yourself some slack.

Second, and if I take the meaning of "use" to be what I think you are suggesting, again, don't make a big deal about this either. You are under a lot of stress and we all need a release at times. I understand what you are saying and until I came to terms with Debby being a part of the whole "me" I would seek similar escape.

Look, we are all human and you haven't done anything to be ashamed of. Really. The best advice I can give you is to continue to move forward and enjoy that Anne is a special part of you!

:hugs:
Debby

[rachaelsloane]

Anne,
As one of your friends, you do not need feel bad about expressing yourself. Family situations are difficult at best, especially regarding illness (I recently lost my mother). I know you are in complete acknowledgement of how Anne revolves in your life.
Always,
Rachael

[carhill2mn]

My reaction to reading your post is that your idea that you are "using" Anne as a means of "escape" is a bit harsh. IMHO, Anne is an integral part of you and at times you need to be able to acknowledge and express this part of yourself. If doing so, makes you feel better, relieves stress, etc., great! I see no reason why you should feel badly about this.

[Holly]

Anne, I have to agree with those who have suggested that you are being too hard on yourself. We all "use" things to escape the harshness of life around us all the time. For some of us, we go our for some retail therapy, for others, we retreat to our hobby or craft area, and still others grab a gallon of ice cream and have at it, and this list goes on and on. As far as I can tell, all you did is get yourself into the most comfortable position you could imagine, seeking relief from the stresses you had been experiencing. Honey, there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, if I were you, I would be rather pleased that you are at such peace with yourself that you can do such a thing. Give yourself a break... and some credit for understanding and embracing your entire self. It's a position few experience regularly.

[VanessaVW]

As I stated in another post, we all have means of escape: watching a movie, reading the paper, walking through the neighborhood, catching up with old friends. When I get dressed, i suppose it's also an escape in a way. When I read posts and respond, it is likewise a type of escape. Nothing at all to regret, just part of who I am that I now embrace.

Not sure what you meant by "use", but tomorrow is always a new day with a clean slate. Sure, we all regret things we have done and said, but we move on too.

[Kate Simmons]

Don't beat yourself up so badly Hon, Anne will understand. If she is as much a part of you as you say, utilizing the resources of one another is a given and an act of love in itself.We must learn to be forgiving of ourself as we are of others, especially such an intregal part of ourself. 'Nuff said I believe.:)

[Anne2345]

Thank you for all of your responses. What you all say makes a lot of sense. Even though I try to label (sorry for using the "L" word :)) my Anne time as something other than an escape, I suppose that what I do, and a lot of us do in this regard, invariably contains components of escape by definition. It follows that this, by its very nature, must be somewhat unavoidable and natural.

You all have given me a lot to think about. It occurs to me after considering your responses that perhaps it is not so much the regret or shame of using Anne as an escape from my family's reality, as it is the possibility of the guilt I feel that I can come home to my healthy, normal family, be with my 6 year old daughter and wonderful wife, knowing that while I am here, my sister is fighting with everything she has to continue to be a part of her family, and simply to raise and be a mother to her own beautiful baby girl. That I am here, able to indulge in this incredible and beautiful experience, while she is going through this horrific nightmare and hell, just is not fair or sensical. Of course, I recognize rationally that fairness has nothing to do with the equation, but still . . . .

On this basis, I suppose, and that I have just within the past 2 days returned home by necessity (would that I could have stayed longer, but I will be back soon), perhaps it further follows that what I have done is simply too much, too soon. I have not even given myself a chance to really recompose myself, regroup, and prepare for tomorrow. That combined with the guilt I feel over how lucky I am versus the bad draw my sister has received, and that such emotions within me are still raw, could explain the overwhelming sense of sadness and regret I felt during my Anne time. I think now that I have misplaced the reasons why I felt this way about it previously, and unfairly attributed such feelings to Anne, if that makes sense.

I really, really appreciate everybody's input. It makes a lot of sense, and has really helped me sort this through and get a grasp on what I am really feeling, and the reasons for it. Thank you all so much for your kind words and words of wisdom.

Anne

[Valerie Nova]

I've regretted using CDing as an escape, but I felt more guilty because of stuff I neglected in my real life. Like recently, I stayed up all night trying on different outfits, only to unintentionally fall asleep and almost miss some important appointments the next day. And then I was sleepy and unproductive the next two days. But it seems odd to me to feel guilty for "using" an imaginary personality. Though, you're probably right that you felt guilty and just weren't sure why.

[Shari]

Anne, I've just gone through what you are now facing.
I also "escaped" in the very same situation. However, I look at it as being comforted rather than feeling any guilt.
Each of us have their own ways of handling stress, particularly stress we've never faced before. Better to spend some time with Anne instead of climbing inside a bottle, or worse.
You'll be okay. Be strong.

[Tina B.]

Strange but true, I just got back from a week trip, thought we where about to lose a family member myself. I spent a couple days in a motel, so I took a few things for Tina, but found little to no time to use it. When I got home I found myself pretty much where you found yourself, the difference is, I don't feel any guilt, I am Tina, and as a part of me, anything I will do, she will too of course. Sometimes Guy/girl has to get a release from the pressures of the world. Lighten up on yourself, if Anne is half the women I think she is, she will forgive you.
Tina B.

[Susan_Xdress]

I must say this. - What wonderfully supportive answers – it makes me feel better for having only recently discovered this forum.
Anne – it can be a lifelong dilemma. What you have read here has covered anything I may have said. I can say this - I cannot, ‘do away with’ Susan. I have tried at times, but loosing Susan is like cutting out half of my brain. So at least I have matured to the point where I accept that David and Susan will have to live side by side within me. I will not feel guilty for Susan. That it the way it is – Susan is a real and a feeling person, I will not apologize for her existence.
So I would wish that for you. It may never be easy, but give Anne some room, for some trials and errors, some successes and some failures. As the others said more succinctly ‘Give Anne a little slack” It’s okay..

[Misti]

"They" won't let me respond to this heartwarming, thought provoking post with the single word that describes my emotions at this moment (I must type at least 20 chars. Why????) But know well, that 'Wow!' was all I wanted to say. Period

[Misti]

I must type in at least 20 Chars. to be able to say the one word that expresses my emotions at this moment (Ergo, you can ignore this diatribe).

"WOW!"

[Anne2345]

Misti, I could not have said it any better - wow! Again, to everyone for their responses and PMs, I thank you from the bottom of my heart! I know now that I was attributing my feelings to the wrong source. Of course, I would never, ever do away with Anne. Even if I wanted to, I know I could not. I simply cannot imagine life without experiencing this part of who I am. She is me, and I am her, and I love her!

I kind of feel silly having confused and mistaken the reasons for what I was feeling, though. That is generally not me. But as anyone knows who has experienced such times, and we all do eventually in some form or another, it is not easy to keep it all straight. My emotions have simply been all over the place. But with the wonderful support you all have shown me, and the sisterhood, it makes it much, much easier, in that I know I am not alone, and that people DO care.

Although my sister does not know it, and I have alluded to this before, I have her to thank for joining this forum. She is fighting an incredibly rare form of cancer. In January, she basically had the bone structure in her face removed, the roof of her mouth removed, and replaced with bone taken from other parts of her body and skin grafts. The doctors were incredible. I spent basically all of January with her and the first part of February while she was in the hospital. She also had her first child last November, so I helped her husband with child care and just being there for them.

My sister is incredibly strong. The baby gives her more strength. Watching her fight for her life and exhibit the courage she did through that ordeal changed the way I view life. I recognized that we need to do the things we want to do, within reason, while we still have the opportunity to do so, and to make the most of what we have with those we love. Prior to that, for example, I was too scared and in the closet to join this forum. I would not have done it. Looking back, I was foolish to think this way, but the fact remains that my sister has really opened my eyes as to what is important, and what we take out of life.

Unfortunately, the doctors were unable to remove all of the cancer. She needed specialized care above and beyond that which the hospital could provide. For almost the past 2 months she has been receiving very specialized, cutting edge medical treatment designed to kill the remaining cancer cells without effecting her brain or causing her to go blind. It is extremely hard on her, both physcically and emotionally. She is in constant pain, but the light in her eye, when she is with her baby girl and family provides a bright beacon of hope. This is my baby sister! She has a 5 month old baby girl that will not remember her if, god forbid, she does not make it. She wants nothing more than to see her child grow up, go to school, and become an adult. This is my sister's final chance. If this does not work, there is nothing else to do. And all of this simply brings me crashing down to my knees. But if there is anyone that can survive this, I believe it is her. And I have to believe this, because thinking about the alternative is simply unacceptable and unbearable.

When I began typing this post a few minutes ago, I really had no intention of providing any additional information about my sister. My intent was to again express my sincere gratitude for your support and kind words of wisdom. The more I have typed, however, it has just kind of come out. That people who I have never met before would take the time to help another person in need, it is quite humbling. The warmth, caring, and support I feel from this is much needed, and very much appreciated. I know such things happen all the time in this forum. It is a large part of what makes the forum such a huge success, and keeps me, and undoubtedly many of us others, coming back day in and day out. This forum is extremely important, for many reasons. It serves us well, and I look forward to serving it for many years to come! :) Thank you all again!

Anne

[docrobbysherry]

But, despite ALL your posts, I can't figure out WHAT u did as Anne that has caused your guilt?:eek:

Was it SEX? Almost EVERY SINGLE CD/TG/TS has at one time or another been sexually excited by their fem counter part! Whether they admit it or not!:brolleyes:

And, MANY of us still r and we admit and accept that!:o

[Anne2345]

But, despite ALL your posts, I can't figure out WHAT u did as Anne that has caused your guilt?:eek:

Was it SEX? Almost EVERY SINGLE CD/TG/TS has at one time or another been sexually excited by their fem counter part! Whether they admit it or not!:brolleyes:

And, MANY of still r and we admit and accept that!:o

LOL! No beating around the bush with your question, huh? When I stated I "used" Anne, what I meant was simply that I was dressing as a means of escaping the reality of what I witnessed being with my sister. I had to try to be strong for my sister every single minute I was there with her, and when I got back, I just kind of crashed, burned, and fell apart. I was exhausted from it, and depressed by it. It was the guilt of trying to escape that and enjoy myself, when I knew that my sister was sitting in a room just waiting for the next treatment, trying to get through all of this. I was wrong for viewing it this way. All of the responses to this thread have been spot on. There is nothing wrong with what I did, and I see that now. As to the remainder of your post . . . . :)