Does it hurt much?

[Frédérique]

“Tell me, does it hurt much?” (Dr. Clayton Forrester to TV’s Frank on MST3K, c.1993)

Does it hurt much? You know, dressing in women’s clothing, meaning clothing not designed for your male form? The garments you prefer to wear are tight here, loose there, requiring padding and/or supplemental undergarments to create shape where there is none. Add to this the sudden vulnerability you feel when cool air reaches previously unvisited parts of your body – you may feel a certain euphoria (I do), but this pleasure is impossible to describe in our inherent masculine nomenclature. Let’s not forget the hitherto unknown feeling of having one’s manhood pushed out of sight (and mind), all for the good of the aforementioned unmentionables. This hosiery – how do they do it? Why do they do it? It feels good, but you need to do something about your hirsute-ness pronto! You defoliate, but now you can’t wear shorts without drawing attention to yourself - you’re drifting towards a far shore, my friend, miles from everything obligatory, uncomfortable, and seemingly mandatory. Where are you going?

Does it hurt much? These shoes – these heels – you’ll have to learn how to walk again, and you have to ditch the manly strides. No more two (or three) steps at a time. What’s that sound? How can you walk around noisily like that? Your whole posture needs improvement – your back! Call the “Wellness Doctor.” Wait a minute, you can’t tell another man about your love of heels, or can you? So many new problems – this wig is hot and somewhat uncomfortable, but you have beautiful hair now! You thought you would look hideous, but it’s not all that bad. Are you deluding yourself? Wisps of fake hair are getting stuck to your lipstick – imagine, wearing lipstick, not to mention all manner of makeup, in an effort to conceal who you are! Perhaps you’re in the process of revealing who you really are!? You didn’t think it would get this far, did you?

Does it hurt much? You exist, walking between the closet and the bed, admiring your feminine clothes – so soft, so gentle, so tactile and beautiful. The closet is your shrine, and the mirror is your witness. You put on your clothes and transform into a pre-determined idea you have of what a woman looks like, a woman you’ve never actually seen or met. You feel different. You’re standing there, happy for the moment, but if only you could go somewhere dressed like this – you know, it would be fantastic to just walk around outside, or maybe drive somewhere in your favorite outfit. What if the next door neighbors see you? What if the neighbor’s children see you? What if you get pulled over by the police, get in an accident, run out of gas, or lose your confidence before you even get out the door? Maybe you should just sit there all dressed up – that is such a pretty dress, after all...

Does it hurt much? You’ve been doing this awhile. It makes you feel GOOD, and you would like to tell someone about your self-discovery. Who can you trust? What if any disclosure on your part leads to discomfort for those you love? Are you being selfish, trying to embrace your own pleasurable explorations while others are kept at arm’s length? What should you do – keep your secrets to yourself, or endlessly try to convince trusted friends and family members that you’re happy and OK doing what you do. What is IT, anyway? A hobby, a pastime, an activity, or something... more? Why do you feel the need to do this – are you getting in touch with your lost childhood, specifically a missed girlhood that was denied you? I mean, you weren’t like the other boys at all. You never liked sports, you were bullied and picked on – you were a target because of how you walked, talked, and acted, although it certainly was NOT acting! Who are you, anyway? You know you’re not a homosexual... or... maybe...you’re not... really... but... you’re getting very confused about this, thanks to what you’ve heard or read. Perhaps you have a repressed nature, reflecting itself in this manner many years later, or maybe you’re simply just a male who wears women’s clothing...

Does it hurt much? Is something wrong with you? Will others think so, if you spill the beans about your clandestine activity? It makes you happy, so how can it possibly be a problem that requires correction? Are you supposed to be miserable, as opposed to euphoric? As you look around for clues, you can never find a satisfactory explanation for your crossdressing, nor does anyone seem to take it seriously. In the eyes of the world you’re some kind of joke. Well, that’s the message that’s coming across loud and clear, unless you’re not reading the signals correctly. Everywhere you look, a less than masculine presentation, disposition, or feeling just doesn’t seem to jibe with the way things are. You suddenly realize that your precious effeminacy is a threat, an abnormality, or a problem that needs rectifying. Better keep things to yourself, since pass-ability is only a dream, making your closet a sanctuary for imaginary soirees – will it always be this way?

Does it hurt much? You’re getting older, dressing your age, thinking more and more fondly of a simpler time, when you could have passed with ease and explored all that life has to offer. Instead, you’re begrudgingly happy with what you have accomplished, carving out a largely unexplored niche that most males do not care to think about, let alone try on for size. Yes, you can be pleased that YOU did it, even though ”it” is an inexplicable desire to do something that society frowns upon, especially if you’re not interested in provoking laughter via your “mistake.” Above all, you are in touch with yourself, meaning you “found” yourself, and you like the company. Who cares if nobody understands your crossdressing? You have incorporated the genders, for whatever reason, and you skirt along the thin edge between male and female. You somehow comfort yourself that other males exile you to a limbo of alternative sexuality, and you suppress a chuckle of resentment as you realize that females, the very beings you seek to emulate, are just as much in the dark as to your undeclared intentions...

Does it hurt much? Life is short, and getting shorter, and you wonder how it will all end for you someday. Will you be discovered right here, close to your closet of worshipful items, wearing your prized dress, expired at the boundary between this world and the next? Perhaps you should purge, or hide your stash away, but imagine the look on everyone’s face when they discover your secret! Images of Tootsie, Mrs. Doubtfire, Tony Curtis, Nathan Lane, and Milton Berle will no doubt flood their inadequate minds as they search for something to hang on to. The fools – just thinking about it all makes you laugh, and you realize you cannot take it all so seriously. You did something very important, something that will not be recognized as such by others, but you know better. However, there you sit, a man in a dress, a dress not made for you to wear, and the significance or incongruity of this inalterable fact never goes away. Does it hurt much?

Hopefully it didn’t hurt (too much) to read this lengthy post...:heehee:

[sissystephanie]

It doesn't hurt me at all!! I crossdress because I like to, not for any other reason! And I have been doing it for longer than most of the CD's, or whatever they prefer to be called, on this forum have been alive! I have no desire at all to be a woman, I just like to dress like one!! My shoes may hurt a little once in a while, but that happens whether they are feminine or male. The clothes never hurt, because I make sure of that when I buy them!!

As long as I have been crossdressing, I have learned one thing very well. I really don't care what others think about the way I dress. It is my life, not theirs!! If they don't like it, then don't look at me!!

[RADER]

Frederique;
I love reading your post; But please for an older person, could you raise the font number
by 1 or 2 points. The type of scrip is hard for me to read.
Thank You.
Rader

[vaga505]

The wind blows dust over the battle field, demons and angles lie about in puddles of their own blood. A collision of catistrofic circumstances, but common to every generation. What was fought for? Who really was right? Who is really the villian and the hero? The mist coulds over the maylay, carrying the beings to far off places to their anciesters. They come from some where, and belong to some people. Their shells frozen there, but really movieing to the next stages to rejoin the earth. The vectors belong to those who survive and live another day, weather in chains or on thier steeds. Another day to taste, smell, see, breath, smile, and feel the comferts of home.
I feel at home wearing panties, bras, and with my hair done. I feel comfertable, like eating food prepared by a loved one. I feel closer to the women in my family, when they talk and joke. I feel loved and apreciated when I do womens work. I think life as a man is war and endless campane. It is about survival and the things that need to be done, have to be done. There is some passion in war, but I think it is intoxicating and one can get lost in it. Crossdressing balances these worlds for me. When I exist as a man, there is a weight in my body, a tension to forge through ice and cutting winds, a disunity with my being, a great determination that focuses on the head and not my entire body. Wearing a dress or tight pants exposes my legs, my but my under side. Someone could peirce my essance and end me. There is an exelleration in knowing that I have faith or believe that I am safe around others, I am at the mercey of the world. I have sensations with my spirt, I am not alone? The world is bigger? I am much more then I think I am?

[Kaz]

Freddy, I love everything you post and this hits home on every level... you sum things up amazingly well my friend.

[jayme357]

Wonderful! How beautifully you have described the myrid of feelings and emotions we (I) struggle with that sometimes are only a whisper in our minds. Your ability to capture the width and breadth of something so complex and do it with creativity and style is extraordinary. Well done!

[Sally24]

Does it hurt much? The pain in my feet and back are small when compared to that in my soul. To return to the male world after tasting the beauty of living in the female form is horrendous.

It is the source of my greatest joys and failures. Is it better to have a taste when you cannot have the meal? I am still not sure.....

[Kathi Lake]

Does it hurt much? No. No, it doesn't. Well, sometimes it does. Honestly, though - it's a hurt that I can live with. In fact, it's a pain that I longingly look forward to. Someone once said that only through pain do we ever really know we're alive. We're alive, my friend! We're alive!

:)

Kathi

[Cynthia Anne]

No complaints here! I am who I am! I tell the world this: If you don't like the way I'm livin' you just leave this long haired country girl alone!

[Comet]

Brilliantly written. Thanks for sharing. I like to think that when it comes to acceptance for "non-mainstream" groups like CDs, time is on our side.

RADER, your web browser should have some zoom settings you can play with to make the text easier to read. That can help you out on this board, and on any other website.

[anda_mouse]

thank you. wonderful post.

[VanessaVW]

I don't hurt....anymore. I do hurt for the people that do not understand us, and because of the misunderstanding, may despise us. That is sad. Tears for Fears had a song "People are People". I'm not hurting. Nice post! Lots to think about. Wish I could have read your words about 20-25 years ago!!!!!

[Teddie]

Ah . . . . . No! :daydreaming:

[PatyR]

... In fact, it's a pain that I longingly look forward to. Someone once said that only through pain do we ever really know we're alive. We're alive, my friend! We're alive!

:)

Kathi

Actually... it does hurt!!! but it makes me feel alive!!! Well said Kathi... well said.

[PatyR]

Does it hurt much? The pain in my feet and back are small when compared to that in my soul. To return to the male world after tasting the beauty of living in the female form is horrendous.

It is the source of my greatest joys and failures. Is it better to have a taste when you cannot have the meal? I am still not sure.....

This is so true!!!:hugs:

[Persephone]

C'est simple Frédérique, il faut souffrir pour être belle.

A centuries old statement, "one must suffer to be beautiful."

The suffering may be the transient pain of tight shoes or the sort of pain that Kathi Lake so brilliantly described, or perhaps art really knows no pain.

Another thought from an anonymous source, "The beauties of the world are best appreciated by those who strive to achieve them."


http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y53/sandylewiscares/ballet_dancer.jpg

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Christie ann]

No...I think it hurts more to deny that the feminine exists somewhere inside me. The clothes (of which I love) are just an outward expression of something inside.

[Michaela42]

It only hurts when I HAVE to wear what truly does not fit the real me. The pinched toes, aching back, and annoyances of wigs pale in comparison to not being able to wear the clothes I was meant to wear ;)

Love ya, Frederique.

[Kate Simmons]

It hurt my pocket book mostly Freddy. It ain't cheap being a woman by any means.:heehee::battingeyelashes::)

[Michaella]

That was beautifully expressed Frederique. And yes, I feel a lot of hurt. Thank you for expressing it so well.

Michaella

[S. Lisa Smith]

Beautifully written. No, It doesn't hurt and I'm growing into old age gracefully (I hope)...

[drushin703]

fred: it hurt years ago, when the athletic types picked sides to play baseball, I was always the last one chosen if at all.Then when the ball was hit to
me it always seemed to land some ten feet away from where I was standing as if someones profecy was being fulfilled."See, I told you, dana cant catch
the damn ball".I had no real balance for sports. Could not catch or hit the ball, threw like a girl and the back of my head was always the target for the dodge
ball. Hell, I can remember every basket I ever made.....in my life.....all by absolute accident.But the hurt went away when I discovered that pantyhose
and bras made me very happy.I could balance myself on high heels from the very moment I tried a pair on and I learned early on to sway my hips and fold
my arms just so..Sometimes being a child can embarass you due to inadequacies..but being an adult (I think in full control of my senses) crossdressing is
my finest accomplishments....no hurt for me.....dana.


c

[Eryn]

...you wonder how it will all end for you someday. Will you be discovered right here, close to your closet of worshipful items, wearing your prized dress, expired at the boundary between this world and the next? Perhaps you should purge, or hide your stash away, but imagine the look on everyone’s face when they discover your secret! Images of Tootsie, Mrs. Doubtfire, Tony Curtis, Nathan Lane, and Milton Berle will no doubt flood their inadequate minds as they search for something to hang on to....

I think the solution to the dilemma stated here is to print out the entire post and put it in an envelope marked "To Be Opened Upon My Death."

A very interesting post and many of its points resonate with me.

[Michelle 2]

Frederique you have an unbelievable gift of deep insightfulness and another to express it in prose. Personally I very much enjoy your postings and adventures thank you for them. For me it does not hurt very much not any longer because I do not and will not hide from the truth. Why live a lie! Life is to short and I am embracing it to the fullest period. After all it is our lives to do as we please. You are truly a one of a kind girlfriend, I look forward to the next chapter.

Michelle

[Sarah Doepner]

Ahh yes, there is strong evidence here that we do share so many experiences and emotions. There are so many things in life that hurt, some in the act and others as regret. Some of us hurt because we don't fit in wearing our normal skin and then find, ironically, that we don't hurt when we don't fit in wearing a new feminine skin. The pain is relieved somewhat when we discover those with similar experiences and problems and solutions and questions and observations. It hurts less now that I don't deny how much this means to me. It hurts less now that I have the chance to call other men in skirts, "Sister". It's just one more odd experience, no doubt. And I've always felt it would be nearly useless to try and explain it to most people, but here I find similar hearts and minds and spirits and find whatever hurt there is just slips away. Freddy, your post manages to hit so many of those feelings and experiences that I am confident that we are all very human and that it may be possible one of these days to share an explanation with a wider audience and maybe have some of them begin to comprehend us.

No wait, there is one other thing. There was a song "Hurts so good!" that's the story now isn't it?

[Pinky188]

The only thing that hurts me is that society wont accept me. But I can deal with that pain. Its worth it!

[Phyliss]

Yes, it did "hurt" ... once, a long time ago, in another life, and another world.

We all understand the "feelings" of being alone in a crowd, last pick for "the team", being "the target" ... those sort of things that many of us escape by dressing.

Two life altering things have happened to me over the last three years, which have given me the courage to no longer use the word "fear". With nothing more to loose, I have also "lost" the "hurt" and that alone has given me freedom from the pain

[Debglam]

Frederique,

Your beautifully worded posts are always a pleasure to read but this one is the best. I'm keeping a copy of it if you don't mind.

Many thanks and much love,
Debby

[Nia Hush]

While I'm still kinda sorting myself out, I've already lived a life where nothing I do is ever satisfactory to my parents. For whatever reason, whatever I enjoy, whatever path I've wanted to take has already been faced with resentment, even what I desire as a career choice because to them, its not a safe, corporate yesman job loaded with benefits. And how much of my time have I wasted on easing their conscious and ego. Too much, quite frankly, at the expense of myself.

So would they resent my crossdressing? Totally. Just another drop on the bucket for me. I've grown so used to it I just don't care anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love them and appreciate all they've done for me, but I think its just them projecting their insecurities about themselves onto me. I grew up watching my grandmother browbeat my father every chance she got and he was a fairly successful engineer.

I can't really see how it would affect my friends - they have their own lives now, many of them just starting families of their own. Seems I'm always the one keeping the lines of communication open anyway, not them. Some of that just is what it is and I've accepted that old friendships will just be modest association via Facebook more than anything else now. Do they need to know, do I need to tell them? For many I've already faded from the mind anyway, so I'm not sure it really even matters.

And maybe just due to how I'm wired I don't really need the approval of others to be happy with who I am. I can be a very social person, but I've never had a need to be a social butterfly. I still look out for others and appreciate what support I get, which I find to be enough to be happy about..

I don't even really have a problem with being a man, I just have a problem with the nonsense of social expectations placed upon gender and I had that view before I even came upon crossdressing/transgender matters and interests.

Does it hurt? I can't really say. Might hurt if I cared too much about what others thought, if I was already married with a family but those aren't my situations. I do have an apartment my family totally has access to if they need a place to stop in, but the honest truth is they never do so I'm not even worried about that. The biggest worry is being seen by the neighbors and there are even ways around that so long as I time it right.

What's important to me right now is that I'm happy with my situation and who I am. In embracing the fact that I do have a feminine side, I do find that I'm more satisfied with who I am and more determined to seek out the life I want. My career ambition was and still is to be a freelance writer and I'm going to just have to endure whatever dull job I have to take for now to reach that, just like anything I'll have to endure - like exercise and dieting - to get that more slender feminine look I want.

Anyway, it was good to get all of that out of my system. Such thoughts have been festering on the backburner this week. Its nothing I'm frustrated about, mind you, but something best not left bottled up for all time, either.

[Persephone]

fred: it hurt years ago, when the athletic types picked sides to play baseball, I was always the last one chosen if at all.Then when the ball was hit to me it always seemed to land some ten feet away from where I was standing as if someones profecy was being fulfilled."See, I told you, dana cant catch the damn ball".I had no real balance for sports. Could not catch or hit the ball, threw like a girl and the back of my head was always the target for the dodge ball.

How did you live my childhood???

You expressed it perfectly. Your post brought back nearly every one of those moments.

Did we go to seperate schools together?

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Vanessa Storrs]

The underwires cut into my ribcage, the shoes are uncomfortable and we shall not even mention the Devil's tool called pantyhose. The pain is gone though when I feel like I am complete. The cool breeze blowing up my skirt does more to ease the pain than a dozen Advils.

[Audrey34]

It only hurts when I deny myself the opportunity to dress up. And unfortunately because of the many stresses in my life I've rarely dressed up now.
-Audrey

[Mimi]

Frederique, what an eloquent and insightful message! Reading posts like yours help me understand what my own SO is feeling and thinking as she goes through her own journey of discovery.

[SuzanneBender]

Frederique this is one of the finest posts that I have ever seen on this site.

I does hurt. I can handle a night in heels. Thats a minor pain offset by the wonderful feeling of "being" if only for a moment.

The real pain is that which you describe that is deep in our souls. I hurt because those I love hurt. I hurt because what could have been, what could be will never correlate with what must be. I hurt because I can't turn off this longing and return to ordinary.

Vaga's post struck a chord with me. I never realized the comparison between being a warrior and being transgender. There are so many similarities, but to me the primary one is those that those who love us suffer in order for us to pursue an illogical passion that ordinary people will never understand or dare undertake.

"If it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger". The sacrifice is great. We endure more than most people imagine, but I doubt I would change a thing if given the chance. My service to my country has brought me many gifts and made me a much better person. Being Transgender showered me with gifts and made me a better person in all aspects of my life. Kathi said it well, "the pain just lets us know we are alive." and almost anything worth having comes at a price. :hugs:

[morgan51]

Thankyou for a lovely post. Absolutly the best one I've read on this sight!

[Jenniferpl]

Yes there is some pain. The bra is too tight, my breast hurt my back after a while, and my feet ach from wearing heels. Those pains are nornal and I can deal with them. It is those other pains that really hurt. Not being able to dress up or having to hide it or surpress all those desires and feelings. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

[VioletJourney]

You really hit the nail on the head there. It hurts to know that this is a part of me that I can't get rid of, but at the same time I'm not allowed by societal norms to fully embrace it without fear.

[abbykins]

Thank you for such beauty and insight, Frédérique.

[Rachel Mari]

Thank you so much! It expressed and explained so much of what I feel. It really touched my heart.

[Patricia Jane]

No! Frankly I enjoy it! It is enjoyable and fun. Just the wearing of the clothes and the feel on the body is worth the effort. A day without dressing is a day waisted. With all the other problems one has to face each day you need some Pleasure time.! Enjoy it, and take advantage of it.

[KrystalA]

A very well thought out and well written post. But to answer your question, does it hurt? No, feeling girly doesn't hurt, it feels wonderful. If I could feel this way 24/7 I'd think I was in Heaven.

[Tasha McIntyre]

Frederique this is one of the finest posts that I have ever seen on this site.

Absolutely agree with Suzanne. Thank you for a wonderful and very thoughtful post.

Painful? Before discovering this site I have a truckload of confusion, but there was no pain. Oddly enough now I have discovered and gained an understanding of who I am I have entered a world of somewhat moderate pain. Pain because there is so much I want to do but will not do due to boundaries set jointly by my wife and I.

Sometimes the pain of returning to guy mode after a shopping trip is overwhelming, and I need some time to mentally compose myself.

Tash :)

[Cheryl T]

No...I think it hurts more to deny that the feminine exists somewhere inside me. The clothes (of which I love) are just an outward expression of something inside.

As the song title says, "I second that emotion".

Sometimes my feet hurt in my heels (they hurt sometimes in male shoes), sometimes my padded girdle is a bit uncomfortable (having no hips and no derriere to fill out my skirts and slacks is too). Sometimes my wig is a little too tight (not having enough of my own hair to grow out is painful).

We suffer through certain pains to overcome the inner pain we feel when we cannot express the "woman within".
We suffer other pains to move past the fears we have that others will uncover our secret and we will become outcasts simply for being who we are.

The article was wonderful. It expressed many of our "hurts". Now if society would only recognize that we are hurting inside it would make the pains we suffer to present our inside more pleasant.

[Frédérique]

Many thanks for the kind comments – I get nervous when I post anything lengthy, so please pardon my “drive-by” method of posting! I would say “drag and drop” method, but, as you may already know, I dislike the word DRAG…
:doh:


We're alive, my friend!

I agree, in fact I think we, as MtF crossdressers, are more “alive” than most males could ever hope to be, especially if our time on Earth is lengthened because of a diluted or side-stepped masculinity. Sitting here calmly with my legs crossed at the knee, I get the feeling I can go on forever…


The real pain is that which you describe that is deep in our souls. I hurt because those I love hurt. I hurt because what could have been, what could be will never correlate with what must be. I hurt because I can't turn off this longing and return to ordinary.

I’ve missed you, Suzanne! You’re exactly right, in fact I was going to expound on that idea in the OP, but my words were already too numerous. It hurts to know that we will never be what we wish to be, and our presentation, along with its attendant mindset, is only a fraction of what we once hoped to achieve. At best, we are forced to be content with an unfinished masterpiece, or a collection of found (feminine) objects and ideas cobbled together that fall far short of our original aims. It hurts to know I cannot be what I want to be, and yet impossible dreams must be pursued, if only to make life worth living. As far as I’m concerned, the “ordinary” is not an option…


It hurts to know that this is a part of me that I can't get rid of, but at the same time I'm not allowed by societal norms to fully embrace it without fear.

The fact that we do this, namely MtF crossdressing, and it causes so many unwarranted ripples in the fabric of society, is downright painful – is there any more innocent, and somewhat endearing thing a male can do? I know I’m generalizing, based on how I KNOW I feel about it, but I’m not alone in having that radical thought, am I? Encountering barriers at nearly every turn, even in places where one would expect comfort, understanding and support, may be what hurts the most – at the end of the day you’re left staring into the mirror, wondering if that’s all you have, and all that you ever will have…

I must say I’ve never considered “getting rid” of this inexplicable desire to crossdress – I may be in denial regarding this acceptance I believe in (without question), but I know I willingly chose to do this. It hurts nonetheless, mainly because it’s not easy to share with anyone, even though I want to, and my crossdressing flourishes during times of non-attachment. When I look around I see no spouse, no children, few real friends, and a solitary, unremarkable lifestyle – that hurts, if I stop and think about it…
:sad:

[Kathryn Martin]

It does not hurt anymore. The hurt was not in clothes or shoes but in the ravages of the testosterone, and in my silence, those moments when my presence was palpable and when the mask pretended to be I. No more! I who finally arrived and he is silent now.

It never hurts to read your posts, lengthy or not....

[abbykins]

When I look around I see no spouse, no children, few real friends, and a solitary, unremarkable lifestyle – that hurts, if I stop and think about it…
:sad:

Hugs, Frédérique. Anyone can experience this, MtF or no. I have always been this way and I only just started. I think it's more to do with being independent, unique, amazing, and uncompromising about achieving your happiness; you would never want a spouse or friends who didn't make you happy, so you're alone for now, instead of settling for less. I think we know when we're doing the right thing, even when it seems worse in the short-term.